Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Aziz Ansari, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Aziz Ansari quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 197 Aziz Ansari quotes for you to read and share.
She felt HORRIBLE. It was the greatest Valentine's Day gift I've ever received. -- Aziz Ansari
I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship. -- Aziz Ansari
Hi, I'm Jane. I'm twenty-four and I have a similar experience with Tinder where I was, like, at a party with friends and they were like, "This is the funnest game ever. Let's play this." And I downloaded it. And then, like, started seeing way too many people I knew. So I deleted it. -- Aziz Ansari
This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice. -- Aziz Ansari
Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say. -- Aziz Ansari
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack. -- Aziz Ansari
Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us
both. -- Aziz Ansari
The 'good-enough marriage' is definitely not good enough for today's singles. We're not content to marry someone who happens to live down the street and gets along okay with our parents. -- Aziz Ansari
Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. -- Aziz Ansari
Every single person, pretty much, is taught what they're supposed to do: go to school, get a job, find someone to love, get married, have kids, raise the kids, and then die. Nobody questions that. What if you want to do something different? -- Aziz Ansari
divorced and living with an iguana, remarried with iguana, then divorced with seven iguanas because your iguana obsession ruined your relationship, and, finally, single with six iguanas (Arturo was sadly run over by an ice cream truck). -- Aziz Ansari
CALLING VERSUS TEXTING "A phone call? The WORST." - FEMALE FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT "If you want to talk to me, you're going to have to call me." - ANOTHER FEMALE FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANT [Dumbfounded] - EVERY GUY IN THAT FOCUS GROUP -- Aziz Ansari
I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there. -- Aziz Ansari
I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian. -- Aziz Ansari
Waiting for true love was a luxury that many, especially women, could not afford. -- Aziz Ansari
We each sit alone, staring at this black screen with a whole range of emotions. But in a strange way, we are all doing it together, and we should take solace in the fact that no one has a clue what's going on. I -- Aziz Ansari
At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit. -- Aziz Ansari
If passionate love is the coke of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine or smoking a few hits of some mild weed. That makes it sound a little better than the uncle thing, right? We all like booze and weed more than we like our relatives, right? -- Aziz Ansari
If I ever was texting frequently with someone and wanted to make an alias, I think I'd go with "Scottie Pippin." Then my friends who were peeking at my screen could be left wondering why I was texting with the former Chicago Bull star on the reg. -- Aziz Ansari
When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don't
even know who Ginuwine is. -- Aziz Ansari
I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them. -- Aziz Ansari
Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness."1 Neurologically it's similar to the kind of love you feel for an old friend or a family member. -- Aziz Ansari
Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians? -- Aziz Ansari
For the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married. What -- Aziz Ansari
I entered the word "crisis" into Thesaurus, it suggested "hot potato" as a synonym. I could not write this book without letting you know that Thesaurus lists "hot potato" as a synonym for "crisis. -- Aziz Ansari
When the older folks I interviewed described the reasons that they dated, got engaged to, and then married their eventual spouses, they'd say things like "He seemed like a pretty good guy," "She was a nice girl;" "He had a good job," and "She had access to doughnuts and I like doughnuts. -- Aziz Ansari
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are ... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase. -- Aziz Ansari
We have two selves: a real-world self and a phone self, and the nonsense our phone selves do can make our real-world selves look like idiots...Act like a dummy with your phone self aand send some thoughtless message full of spelling errors, and the real-world self will pay the price. -- Aziz Ansari
Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig. -- Aziz Ansari
The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the "perfect person" that simply didn't exist in the past when "good enough" was good enough. When they're successful, though, the payoff is incredible. -- Aziz Ansari
people have been cheating on each other for as long as they've made promises to be monogamous -- Aziz Ansari
The whole idea of love is scary - so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple. -- Aziz Ansari
I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing. -- Aziz Ansari
Like with 'Parks and Recreation,' it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had. -- Aziz Ansari
Marriage was too vital an economic and political institution to be entered into solely on the basis of something as irrational as love," writes Coontz. -- Aziz Ansari
I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality. -- Aziz Ansari
Soapland, where a guy lies on a waterproof mattress and a woman covers them both in soapy water and slides all over him. You can pay extra for additional services -- Aziz Ansari
Now most young people spend their twenties and thirties in another stage of life, where they go to university, start a career, and experience being an adult outside of their parents' home before marriage. -- Aziz Ansari
I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had. -- Aziz Ansari
But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. For -- Aziz Ansari
Even if you say you "don't play games," that is a type of game - it is the "I don't play games" game. -- Aziz Ansari
I spend so much time on the Internet ... I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading. -- Aziz Ansari
If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody. -- Aziz Ansari
It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way. -- Aziz Ansari
The four sweetest words in the English language - 'You wore me down.' -- Aziz Ansari
asking a new person to go on a romantic outing has never been easy. It means declaring your attraction to someone and putting yourself out there in a huge way, while risking the brutal possibility of rejection - or, in the modern era, even an unexplained, icy-cold silence. -- Aziz Ansari
Much of online dating, Finkel and company argued, is based on the faulty notion that the kind of information we can see in a profile is actually useful in determining whether that person would make a good partner. -- Aziz Ansari
between 2005 and 2012 more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site. Online dating was the single biggest way people met their spouses. Bigger than work, friends, and school combined. -- Aziz Ansari
Online dating is just a vehicle to meet more people," she says. "It's not the place to actually date." For -- Aziz Ansari
I've never done online dating. -- Aziz Ansari
Encountering potential partners via online dating profiles reduces three-dimensional people to two-dimensional displays of information, -- Aziz Ansari
too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating, not the dating part. -- Aziz Ansari
If you are in a big city or on an online dating site, you are flooded with options. Seeing all these options, like the people in the job example, are we now comparing our potential partners not to other potential partners but rather to an idealized person whom no one could measure up to? -- Aziz Ansari
I often don't answer, but I like receiving them," said one woman, who seemed oblivious to how ridiculous this statement sounded. -- Aziz Ansari
Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet. -- Aziz Ansari
I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero. -- Aziz Ansari
After the rings, the priest should just say, "Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain's tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won't feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where's the pigs in a blanket? I'm outta here. -- Aziz Ansari
If you subscribe to Sherry Turkle's argument that the prevalence of text-based communications is leading to a decline in face-to-face conversations and the skills to conduct them, the shift makes total sense. -- Aziz Ansari
This gets into a fundamental change in how marriage is viewed. Today we see getting married as finding a life partner. Someone we love. But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. -- Aziz Ansari
One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos. -- Aziz Ansari
Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best. -- Aziz Ansari
Oh, I'm sure he's much more intelligent and thoughtful in person. This is just his "lazy phone persona. -- Aziz Ansari
I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment. -- Aziz Ansari
They are more invested in the deep commitment to the relationship, rather than being personally invested in finding a soul mate, which can tend to lead to the "Is there something better out there for me?" mentality. -- Aziz Ansari
Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings. -- Aziz Ansari
Another idea from social psychology that goes into our texting games is the scarcity principle. Basically, we see something as more desirable when it is less available. When you are texting someone less frequently, you are, in effect, creating a scarcity of you and making yourself more attractive. -- Aziz Ansari
That's one reason why today meeting in bars or in the neighborhood is far less common among LGBT couples than it used to be, and why nearly 70 percent of LGBT couples meet online. (BLT couples - bacon, lettuce, and tomato couples - are inanimate objects and are not engaging in romantic pursuits.) -- Aziz Ansari
For women in this era, it seemed that marriage was the easiest way of acquiring the basic freedoms of adulthood. Things -- Aziz Ansari
I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking with them and wanting to hang out with them all of the time. -- Aziz Ansari
The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff. -- Aziz Ansari
I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank. -- Aziz Ansari
Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. -- Aziz Ansari
It's hard to really get that excited about movies. Think about it like this: how many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances that there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small! -- Aziz Ansari
What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up. -- Aziz Ansari
If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word "hey" without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this? -- Aziz Ansari
I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.. -- Aziz Ansari
At one point during a focus group with older women, I asked them straight out whether a lot of women their age got married just to get out of the house. Every single woman there nodded. -- Aziz Ansari
Come cook food with me and do nothing. -- Aziz Ansari
Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy. -- Aziz Ansari
I'm always down to try a new burger, but Shake Shack is still my top. What makes them so special is for the bread they use Martin's potato rolls which is just the best hamburger buns ever. -- Aziz Ansari
I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer. -- Aziz Ansari
Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie. -- Aziz Ansari
And now I'm at home on a laptop again, typing out stuff for this chapter that you are reading right now, possibly on a screen as well! -- Aziz Ansari
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images. -- Aziz Ansari
Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true. -- Aziz Ansari
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare. -- Aziz Ansari
As we see more and more people online, it can get difficult to remember that behind every text message, OkCupid profile, and Tinder picture there's an actual living, breathing, complex person, just like you. -- Aziz Ansari
Do I call? Do I text? Do I send a Facebook message? Do I send up a smoke signal? How does one do that? Will I set my rented house on fire? How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell the home's owner, actor James Earl Jones, that I burned his house down trying to send a smoke signal? -- Aziz Ansari
There's something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we'll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn't clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options. -- Aziz Ansari
How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone's window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo? -- Aziz Ansari
Today the average age of first marriage is about twenty-seven for women and twenty-nine for men, and it's around thirty for both men and women in big cities like New York and Philadelphia. -- Aziz Ansari
You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty. -- Aziz Ansari
Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever. -- Aziz Ansari
Everyone, including the women who said they were happily married, said they wanted their daughters and granddaughters to approach marriage differently from how they had. -- Aziz Ansari
I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba! -- Aziz Ansari
Other than friends and family, my favorite things are New York and stand-up. I love doing comedy in New York - I can do way more stand-up here than in Los Angeles. -- Aziz Ansari
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid. -- Aziz Ansari
I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room. -- Aziz Ansari
Sometimes there's another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren't playing mind games or busy. They're just GOOGLING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU. -- Aziz Ansari
While we may think we know what we want, we're often wrong". -- Aziz Ansari
I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love. -- Aziz Ansari
Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through. -- Aziz Ansari
True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl. -- Aziz Ansari
I am perpetually indecisive on even the most mundane decisions, and I couldn't imagine leaving such an important choice to other people -- Aziz Ansari
She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage. -- Aziz Ansari
Myself, Eric Wareheim, and Jason Woliner decided to start a Food Club where the three of us go to restaurants with a couple of other people. The three of us are the captains of the Food Club, so we have to wear the captains' hats. -- Aziz Ansari
You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. It's the hardest thing. -- Aziz Ansari
So you're going to horrible places and meeting horrible people and you're complaining about it? Live your life like a decent person. Go to the grocery store, buy your own food, take care of yourself. If you live a responsible life, you'll run into responsible people," he said. -- Aziz Ansari
Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man. -- Aziz Ansari
When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses. -- Aziz Ansari
I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms. -- Aziz Ansari
Come on, man, I got a full beard! -- Aziz Ansari
Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped ... RIGHT NOW? -- Aziz Ansari
For guys and girls equally . . . there's just so many people. And there's someone around the corner or uptown or downtown who you might like just a fraction better than the person who's across from you right now. -- Aziz Ansari
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road. -- Aziz Ansari
Sometimes the person wouldn't be in the photo at all. I asked what they would post instead. "A lot of Japanese use their cats," she said. "They're not in the photo with the cat?" I asked. "Nope. Just the cat. Or their rice cooker. -- Aziz Ansari
what stranger can compete with a video that documents the budding friendship of two baby hippopotamuses? No one, that's who. -- Aziz Ansari
Some are clearly so confused that they have taken to wearing fedoras. A difficult period indeed. -- Aziz Ansari
Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired. -- Aziz Ansari
Our romantic options are unprecedented and our tools to sort and communicate with them are staggering. And that raises the question: Why are so many people frustrated? -- Aziz Ansari
The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay. -- Aziz Ansari
impact. Even on the phone you can hear a change in someone's voice or a pause to let you know how they are interpreting what you've said. In text, your mistake just sits there marinating on the other person's screen, leaving a lasting record of your ineptitude and bozoness. -- Aziz Ansari
Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice. -- Aziz Ansari
Today, if you own a smartphone, you're carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket. -- Aziz Ansari
In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago. -- Aziz Ansari
If you live a responsible life, you'll run into responsible people, -- Aziz Ansari
OH, Shit! Thanks for buying my book. That money is MINE. -- Aziz Ansari
In the United States there's an optimistic expectation that most people will remain faithful to their partner, but actual data show great numbers of people will not. -- Aziz Ansari
When you look at your phone and see a text from a potential partner, you don't always see another person - you often see a little bubble with text in it. And it's easy to forget that this bubble is actually a person. -- Aziz Ansari
I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and I'm like 'Oh what's going on here? Is this a really big ring?'" -- Aziz Ansari
Emily told us. "I would never go on a first date somewhere in my town because I know all the waiters. I know all the bartenders. I know everybody. -- Aziz Ansari
It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good. -- Aziz Ansari
I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff. -- Aziz Ansari
Initially, we are attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize. But the things that really make us fall for someone are their deeper, more unique qualities, and usually those only come out during sustained interactions. -- Aziz Ansari
The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone. -- Aziz Ansari
You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play. -- Aziz Ansari
Marriage, most women quickly discovered, liberated them from their parents but made them dependent on a man who might or might not treat them well and then saddled them with the responsibilities of homemaking and child rearing. -- Aziz Ansari
I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen. -- Aziz Ansari
Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession. -- Aziz Ansari
Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot. -- Aziz Ansari
London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up. -- Aziz Ansari
Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. -- Aziz Ansari
What's up with these people and the food analogies?! -- Aziz Ansari
To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times. -- Aziz Ansari
Schwartz is an encyclopedia of psychological research on choice problems. If asked to give a quote about him for the back of a book cover, I would say, "This motherfucker knows choice." As -- Aziz Ansari
I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.' -- Aziz Ansari
I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun. -- Aziz Ansari
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it. -- Aziz Ansari
For example, in a topic we'll revisit in more depth later, breaking up with someone via text seems pretty brutal to people of my generation, but when we interviewed younger people, several said their breakups happened exclusively by text. For younger generations, who knows what texts lie ahead? THE -- Aziz Ansari
Want to know what's filling up the phones of nearly every single woman? It's this: "Hey," "Hey!" Heyyy!!" "Hey what's going?" "Wsup," "Wsup!" "What's going on?" "Whatcha up to? -- Aziz Ansari
At certain times, though, this "I need the best" mentality can be debilitating. -- Aziz Ansari
You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'. -- Aziz Ansari
A lot of people my age think stand up sucks. -- Aziz Ansari
I just didn't want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else. -- Aziz Ansari
Bye." [sad] Aron published another study, titled "Couples' Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship Quality" (damn, dude, shorten the names of your studies!), -- Aziz Ansari
What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster! -- Aziz Ansari
I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat. -- Aziz Ansari
leaving, like, "Tanya, you're a very charming lady . . ." She said, "Aziz, you're a pretty charming guy too. -- Aziz Ansari
Every time, she spelled it "hoo." He said it ruined everything. (NOTE: We did confirm that this was a woman and not an owl.) -- Aziz Ansari
Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. -- Aziz Ansari
I think absurdist humor is funny ... -- Aziz Ansari
Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes. -- Aziz Ansari
Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation. -- Aziz Ansari
I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat. -- Aziz Ansari
Maybe we are trying to meet every single person in order to be sure we have the best. Maybe we have it all wrong. -- Aziz Ansari
If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people. -- Aziz Ansari
One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind. -- Aziz Ansari
With stand-up, it's more interesting to hear about people's failures than their successes. -- Aziz Ansari
If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it. -- Aziz Ansari
So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face. -- Aziz Ansari
Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs! -- Aziz Ansari
If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work. -- Aziz Ansari
No nudity or sex happens at hostess clubs. It's basically like prostitution, but they just hang out with you. I was very confused. -- Aziz Ansari
My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants. -- Aziz Ansari
If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights ... -- Aziz Ansari
It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing. -- Aziz Ansari
With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that myself; I never have to answer to anybody. -- Aziz Ansari
...social media and the internet are introducing all kinds of new options into social and romantic life. And while it's exciting, sometimes even exhilarating, to have more choices, it's not necessarily making life easier. -- Aziz Ansari
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration. -- Aziz Ansari
You don't know Jay-Z's scedule. He's a renaissance man. -- Aziz Ansari
no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them. -- Aziz Ansari
I prefer being totally sober myself. -- Aziz Ansari
It was brutal to read. After two years the relationship was ended with a ":/," not even a fully fleshed-out emoji. There -- Aziz Ansari
When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted. -- Aziz Ansari
In today's romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call "the upgrade problem". Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade. -- Aziz Ansari
made me wonder whether our ability and desire to interact with strangers is another muscle that risks atrophy in the smartphone world. -- Aziz Ansari
Some comedians will tour and do these classic bits all the time. But now with YouTube and Comedy Central, people see your stuff, and they don't want to hear you do that again. -- Aziz Ansari
I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. -- Aziz Ansari
So: just drinks, minimal effort on his part, and you have travel to him. Ladies, are you getting sexually excited just reading this?! -- Aziz Ansari
Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them. -- Aziz Ansari
Finding someone today is probably more complicated and stressful than it was for previous generations - but you're also more likely to end up with someone you are really excited about. Our -- Aziz Ansari
(On a side note, I would give pretty much anything to have been in the room where the guy said, "I've got it! We'll call it . . . Soapland!") -- Aziz Ansari
Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you. -- Aziz Ansari
No one's trying to get with jugglers. -- Aziz Ansari
I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run. -- Aziz Ansari
The couples that did the novel and exciting activities showed a significantly greater increase in relationship quality. -- Aziz Ansari
I know my fan base is a smart group of people. -- Aziz Ansari