Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Bill Maher, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Bill Maher quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 699 Bill Maher quotes for you to read and share.

Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000003431
New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal "energy." That's like a lumber company calling wood "fire." Or Budweiser calling beer "urine." Okay, that one kind of makes sense. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000004979
The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000005513
Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road ... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000009095
If you're living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you're not being kept down by the rich. You're being kept down by you. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000014612
You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000014630
Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000016240
New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000016557
Whatever good religion has done, it has come at a terrible price. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000017823
New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000018199
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000021697
Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, 'If someone was talking into their hair dryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hair dryer, it's just praying.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000022025
Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000022026
New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars last night, you're no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on Dancing with the Starslast night, you're no longer a star. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000022054
If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000022264
Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000022602
In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn't be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000024169
When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000025568
If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000026973
You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000027255
That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000028299
Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000030706
I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000034258
But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it's that much more of an insult, that you're not even worth noticing. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000040345
Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000043309
When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000046959
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000057765
There's a new iPad out ... People are going nuts for this thing ... And, today, Mitt Romney said, 'It's a flat piece of white plastic. If you can love it, why not me?' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000060515
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000063439
Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there's a few turds in the box. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000067634
There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000070742
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000073443
You don't need a weapon to protect yourself. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000073937
It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000080312
We're all gonna be gay if we get health care! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000081236
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000081242
You can't be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn't make you a person of faith ... , that makes you a schizophrenic. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000081810
People on the right say to people like me, Oh, you hate America. And I always say, No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it. If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000084823
Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000092274
New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000099688
What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000102730
F. Scott Fitzgerald has an indespensible quote: 'The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at once and still retain the ability to function'. Or, as I like to call it, 'O.J. killed his wife, and the police are corrupt.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000103215
The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000107519
I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000107850
Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000110225
Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000110284
I don't think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, "Life is precious." I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000110570
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000110591
God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me." -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000115557
Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000123648
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000125228
Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000139423
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000139468
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000144161
I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000146990
The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000150843
Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that's why we aren't seeing support for legalization. People don't think it's necessary to legalize it, because it's so easy to get it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000153514
You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000155579
A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000158830
Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play with it. Now, no one knows exactly what enraged the whale, but earlier in the week, it had been thrown off a flight by Southwest Airlines. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000160688
If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He gets all his leverage from selling gas and oil. If we had a gas tax that made that less palatable, he would be less of a player on the world stage. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000161360
There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000162079
In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show ... -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000163846
I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000167686
The Hollywood executives are, like, 'We're not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we're capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don't like Kevin Hart. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000170288
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000171095
If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, You're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000172001
Why is the AMA for 'Obamacare'? If this is going to hurt doctors, why are they for 'Obamacare'? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000176426
Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why ... because I'm addicted. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000177917
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000182873
I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000182914
New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000183851
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000186261
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000197619
New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail
it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you 007, but the Victoria's Secret catalog isn't actually a secret. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000201045
Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000202218
Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag
they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000202635
The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000206151
There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000207285
In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, 'It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000208834
Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you'd best deliver information with entertainment. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000210336
Rick Santorum doesn't like sex. He doesn't like the pill. He really doesn't like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000215156
There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000216843
A flu shot just compromises your immune system. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000220846
Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000227060
Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo - those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000228654
New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000230025
Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe - if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different - so different if it's Superman or the Fantastic Four? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000231277
Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000234339
Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000235633
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000242390
Scientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas ... and improve the roads. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000250741
You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000254190
Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000254263
Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000255348
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000255756
New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House
until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000255786
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000257624
First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000258662
It's going to be Perry, it's going to be Romney ... It's sort of a battle for the soul of the Republican Party - and they have no soul, but the space where a soul would be. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000258670
Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000262473
Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000263910
Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000267969
This is the opposite of the free market. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000283200
Because of the Republicans, I'm not ashamed of being an American. I'm embarrassed! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000283958
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say under new management than it is to change the whole building. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000291265
Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it." -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000293372
I just don't see why anybody would vote Republican in the Army. If you want to support the troops, if I was a troop, I would say, 'You know how to support me? Don't send me to stupid wars.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000294086
When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I'm sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000304595
Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing ... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior ... For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000305477
The NYPD must stop acting like the only thing black people do is run from them and shoot at them. Believe it or not there are some black New Yorkers who won't run and can't shoot
they're called the # Knicks . -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000307410
I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000308124
Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000313231
The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000313580
In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000322116
This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000322720
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000328542
That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000338404
New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000339352
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000340546
Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000342546
The people who got everything wrong are back on TV talking about the place they got all wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's like Satan's VIP list for Hell. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000343423
Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000350028
It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000352841
When did the business community in America become so sensitive? ... that we have to treat like some type of rare exotic animal - don't startle them or they'll fly away! ... we need to soothe them so they can nest here and lay their magic eggs full of jobs! - WHICH NEVER HATCH BY THE WAY!!! ... -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000352948
New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines saying, "We land our jets on the runway"! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000358531
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000360247
It's supposed to be a good thing that he's got this dialogue started. To me, I think, I just took away something bad from it, because, apparently he had to do this not to convince them of anything. To educate them. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000360366
The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000361210
Death is nature's way of killing you. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000362070
Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn't possess because you don't possess. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000368029
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000380026
Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000380978
Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000385650
The difference, I think, that matters is which of the religions are dangerous. They're all crazy, but which ones have the potential to turn that into death. In that area, I think we have to worry the most about the Muslims and the Christians -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000385656
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they're crazy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000391532
The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country's liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000398571
It's all been satirized for your protection. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000398921
I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000399068
Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000399857
Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000400580
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000402064
Why are the patriots the ones who don't want to spend money on trains? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000404696
Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000409448
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000410603
My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000410738
Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000411299
John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh
. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000411335
That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life. Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000414187
Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000417259
As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000418368
Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000421685
Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there's ten times the likelihood that you'll get Alzheimer's disease. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000422270
We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price
but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it for us, or else, we don't care how. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000422291
We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000433166
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000440174
People who don't like you almost never come up to you. That's a lot of years of saying things that I know a lot of people in this country hate me for. And the number of times someone has come up to me and said something negative, I could count on one hand. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000440627
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000446054
For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda
patriot on board!" I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000447308
When you hear a lobby called Partnership for a Drug-Free America, just remember - they do not want a drug free America. They want an America free of drugs that are their competitors. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000447532
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000449033
America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000452252
They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000455979
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000457081
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000460140
New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000469324
Bloodless revolutions are rare. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000469992
New Rule: All Fox News employees must now refer to President Bush as "my liege". If they are going to treat President Bush like he's an infallible king, they need to start addressing him as if he was an infallible king. And they can do this by addressing him as "my liege". -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000472783
You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000475466
New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I still want to tell you to shut the fuck up. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000476341
The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000476384
I'm not defending what Cory Booker said. I'm saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people on Wall Street, because there's no other way to keep his city afloat. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000481472
More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000484156
Many people can't deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone. This is also why we love TV shows and movies that neatly wrap up everything in exactly an hour or two. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000485152
People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000498007
He sold Syria way better than he sold this. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000500558
The great thing about having been poor is how liberated it makes you if you eventually become rich. There's nothing like the knowledge that you don't need money to survive. That the money cushion you lie on every night doesn't have to be three feet thick, and you can still get to sleep. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000505599
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000506900
I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000510325
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000514816
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000516673
Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000517781
New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000518430
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000518555
[Being a] conservative also used to involve the concept of people being free to do whatever they want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else. Conservatives used to be very libertarian. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000520268
Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it!
Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000520601
I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000535741
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, 'You know what? Let's just grab lunch.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000536351
40% of homicides go unsolved. You know, it's not a very good record. And, also, 95% of convictions in America come from plea bargaining, which is often coerced. It's like we have the worst of both worlds. We don't convict the guilty enough, and we coerce the innocent too much. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000543050
Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000545033
For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it's a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000547305
Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're people! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000547890
If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000548190
New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, What went on in that house? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000556061
Glenn Beck retired or got fired ... and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000556917
Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000559697
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000563697
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10 -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000564381
White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000567813
A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch Big Brother. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000569699
It's not that we don't care
it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000573126
The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000573341
Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward - like the Koch brothers - to say, 'You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I'm going to lose a fortune!' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000577061
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000578594
I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000578818
How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, 'I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000579178
I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000582445
Abstinence is a perversion. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000586352
No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000588186
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000590042
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000592979
I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you're always going to have people needing government assistance. You can't have it both ways. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000600035
My policy is I am always more than happy to say, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000601007
Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000602022
You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000604041
New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000605398
I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000606841
And he said that 47%-that's pretty high-47% of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And then he said, 'My job is not to worry about those people.' You know, where do people get this stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating c**ksucker? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000609900
We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000612435
New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is
murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that here in Hollywood, Phil Spector's earthquake kit. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000617081
Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000620803
Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000626523
The Eleventh Commandment: don't speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn't it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000627781
I don't want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don't want to create the church of the non-believers where I'm the preacher and we're all gathering together and reciting things. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000630329
There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not nation-builder. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000635194
If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000639903
Religion is bad, drugs are good. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000641156
I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000652800
Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000652928
If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000654841
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000656540
A cult is a cult, and that's what a frat is. A place where they strip you of your personality and rebuild it in their image. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000657544
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000660535
Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000660853
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000664864
Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000666731
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000668477
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000670961
Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000670973
I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it's a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000672219
You just got your nerd credentials back. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000680183
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000684725
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
(The Decider, July 21, 2007) -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000685595
There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000688522
New Rule: President Bush must stop acting like WE'RE the idiots. He gives speech after speech, and the theme is always the same; 'What part of freedom don't you get, you morons?'. I'll answer that for you Mr. President. The part where you give it to people by blowing them up. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000691256
I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000692530
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000695805
The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000695832
Why are we working so hard to preserve Iraq, a fake country to begin with? Why do we care whether this fake country that was drawn on the map 100 years ago remains? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000696621
You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000708652
New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000712628
Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000723890
When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty." -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000724601
We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000725124
Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000725778
Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000728477
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000728863
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, "Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read." -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000730024
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000738055
Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000740116
George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000742122
We don't really have to make fun of religion - it makes fun of itself. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000743461
What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000745346
My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000756312
New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000757661
Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there's also a lot to laugh at, I think it's a good balance. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000758804
New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for
your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000758980
If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake
it's a glass of ice cream. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000770365
You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000770508
I don't understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000770864
You can't lie to kids about drugs. They know about drugs. You can't say they're just all bad. They know life is a little more complicated. I have never done heroin. I would never recommend heroin, but it hasn't hurt my record collection. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000771418
The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000781677
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000782257
In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000785772
Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000787193
In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000787304
Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000793205
That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000794573
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000795333
I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that 'the earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000796279
Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000796392
The Tea Baggers, they're not a movement, they're a cult ... Cults tend to populate from within, encouraging members to have huge broods of children and to give them strange names, like Moonbeam, and Trig. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000796507
People are very narcissistic. It's not all their fault. We live in a society where there is a magazine for you, a channel for you, a perfume for you. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000797124
In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn't there be a greater outcry among liberals? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000808232
It's understandable why a minority that was treated as badly as blacks in this country have been for so long would, when they finally found themselves on top, brag about it and want to shout from the rooftops. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000808658
In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000808798
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000809066
Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000809244
New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000812466
Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000812539
The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000813408
People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000814599
When you look at belief in such things - as do you go to heaven, is there a devil - we have more in common with (Muslin countries) Turkey and Iran and Syria than we do with European nations and Canada and nations that, yes, I would consider more enlightened that us. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000815158
Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000824597
It's been over a year since they've graduated, but neither of the Bush twins have found any work. Why don't they sign up (for military service in Iraq)? Do they hate America, or just freedom in general? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000825140
Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000826770
Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000827089
Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000837091
New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000839174
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000841176
The Drug War is an addiction, really. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000843439
It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000844064
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000847261
Fascism is when corporations become the government. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000849257
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000851785
The [Libyan] rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn't sound like the America I know. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000855787
Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000857881
What is Kanye West's message? Like most rap, "I am the greatest person ever and you're not." I used to call it affirmative action for the ego. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000860107
At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000862587
Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000867197
To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000867471
The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000867611
I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000870159
New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself
you're not drunk enough. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000870655
Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000873856
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time". -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000876297
We don't do sensible things. This is America. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000879966
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, 'John Kerry hates our troops'. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000882113
I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It's a place they know they can get away with it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000882878
The teachers don't know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000886104
BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000888738
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000889491
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000890902
Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000892786
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000893544
We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000894643
Denying racism is the new racism -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000896064
In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000896333
I believe only foreigners should run for president ... Face it, the presidency is a lousy job. And who does lousy jobs we don't want anymore better than foreigners? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000900469
New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000905677
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000906528
Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That's the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling 'Santorum.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000909253
Since the topic is science, the non scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can't be wrong! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000909558
The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000910093
It's very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000911262
I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000911593
People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it's just laughable. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000913564
Shouldn't we be against procreation at this point in time? With overpopulation and the strain on the resources on this planet? Shouldn't we reward people who don't spawn? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000914356
Gingrich is the "foremost intellectual" in the Republican party like Gene Simmons is the foremost intellectual in "Kiss". -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000915183
During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000917675
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000921406
That's America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro and K Street. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000922233
France ... What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000924395
New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you could have made a salad but chose not to, then I get to pay you with an ATM receipt, which proves I have the money but you're not getting any. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000925603
Stupidity is not another form of knowledge. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000928828
I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000929206
I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000940575
This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000943272
This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he's the one guy she refuses to lick. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000945523
I think religion is a neurological disorder. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000946183
If you think you have it tough, read history books. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000946256
If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000950206
I mean, maybe one day we will live in a more optimum world where terrorists come in every color of the rainbow. But the truth is, now they don't. I mean, the people who are trying to get us are young Muslim men, period. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000951142
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000958098
Say that evil happens when good men do nothing. And the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000958387
Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000959639
New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000964490
'The Lorax,' ... it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000966817
I don't think George Bush is a good president by any imagination, but when he said, 'If you're talking to Al-Quaeda, we want to know what it's about,' it just proves one thing: If you're president long enough, you will one day say something that is true. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000969368
Good presidents, people like George Bush, they SEND people to war. They don't bring them a rescue. This is America. We rescue insurance companies and banks. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000974826
In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' ... You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone. Not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000974915
I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000978290
We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue
or they win! No, when you become smarter and less gluttonous, you win. We all win! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000980466
Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000982969
The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000984438
New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, In God We Trust. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000986882
Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you're tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin's Russia is definitely the place you want to go. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000988115
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000988680
Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000990534
This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison; this is America, if you're a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000996261
John McCain, who once called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson 'forces of evil', has now come out for teaching intelligent design. That is sad, when smart people have to pretend to be so dumb to get elected. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000998166
Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000998431
Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000999349
I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 000999974
If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001003012
Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001003086
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake
you know, to send the right message to kids. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001004568
When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001005728
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001012387
All I'm saying, as a fan, is I'm tired of the same song for 30 years. Can't we change the message a little? You've arrived. You have a black president. Every white guy in a commercial doesn't have to be the idiot and every black guy in a rap song doesn't have to be God's gift to the world. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001015678
Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001015689
Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and HE changed colors. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001024706
We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001031129
Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It's the same reason the comic book character can't get rid of his nemesis; then there's no story. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001032538
The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001033510
Nowas you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio - you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and today - Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest's lap. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001038562
If the bible myth of Jonah in the whale and the Mother Goose myth of Jack and the Beanstalk were switched at birth so that Jack in the Beanstalk were in the bible, do you think any child would notice? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001042833
Lip-synching?! Let that be a lesson. If you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001052215
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001053342
Republicans are obsessed with abortion ... if they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001053516
It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001053521
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001057875
When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001060692
The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001071023
If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001072879
If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001079849
Disneyland's a mess. And it's not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001080266
You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001087445
In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama's fault. Somehow, he's weak and he's ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001088155
In America you can be armed, just not with the facts. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001097644
Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001098553
I feel like I'm wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001098713
Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001103957
Every election, roughly half the population votes Democrat and the other half votes Republican. Now, I understand why the Republicans get one percent of the vote - the richest one percent.That other percent, someone will have to explain to me. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001104933
Love does not conquer all. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001106048
A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001106340
Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001110364
There is no such thing as a moderate Republican anymore. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001113679
Life is about making tough choices. Sometimes you have to go where your career is going. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001113761
I hate religion. I think it's a neurological disorder. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001116218
To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001116603
Now, don't get me wrong, I think border security is important. And I have no doubt that the Republican plan for turning our southern border into The Hunger Games will put a stop to the #1 threat facing America today - illegal cleaning ladies. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001117453
I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001118333
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001121586
I think there is a problem, though, with the media gushing over [Obama] too much. I don't think he thinks that he's all that, but the media does. I mean, the coverage after, that I was watching, from MSNBC, I mean these guys were ready to have sex with him.It's embarrassing. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001124452
As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001125697
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking, what he secretly wants to change. Anger with Bush was based on what he actually did. What Bush was thinking didn't matter. Because he wasn't. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001127297
I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001129459
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001133141
Why is Mitt Romney not bragging: 'I covered all these people'? Why can't the Democrats sell the idea, we're trying to make you well? Is that such a hard sale? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001134811
Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001137067
New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001145202
The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001153538
I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001154901
The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they're so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001162125
Newt Gingrich ... is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I've just to say, you can't be for both. They are diametrically opposed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001164763
They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it 'fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that's worse than being dead.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001165677
But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001165794
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001167582
I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001168486
The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001172385
New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001174917
I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001178881
Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001178888
New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001180766
Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001183032
Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001185519
New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001185944
North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that's North Carolina today. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001187506
In America, you're allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God's big book of bad ideas. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001188893
We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001190632
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001191074
The food is out of this world! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001193190
I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it's your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001199851
Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001209549
My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001211037
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001215387
Did you hear this - Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, These Tsunamians will not get away with this. Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you ... -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001217932
I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001218194
Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001222405
Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001223539
Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001224911
It somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is ... he's black. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001231012
In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001232284
Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I'm beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001237334
The "Power of One" is a slogan--not a goal. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001238376
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001244745
New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001245630
The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks ... still safer than a Toyota. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001248218
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001251567
Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he's not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001257295
The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001259243
Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001259298
Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001259555
What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001260738
Americans are desperately, here on the West Coast, buying up and hoarding iodine pills ... Isn't it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001263824
To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It's not essential. There are many comics who were just funny, and that's fine, too. But that's never been what I was trying to do in comedy. I was always trying to do something that involved not pandering to the audience. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001267124
The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001273028
Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001275727
Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001279035
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001280502
Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we're not united as a country. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001284386
If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001285839
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001289396
When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they'd said or did when they were in office. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001289902
You are what you do. It's about actions. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001289928
New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001290999
Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001291393
North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001291515
Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction- and that's what global warming is- in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits for me the definition of treason. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001294428
I ... would guess maybe about one or two out of five men is suited for marriage and probably four out of five women are better at marriage than being single and would like to be married. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001294786
Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001295778
[The Republicans] are always asking the Muslims to denounce their extremists. And I agree with them. But they don't take that note and do it among their own. They don't denounce their own extremists. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001296572
Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001297707
God makes trees, he doesn't write books. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001299950
I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001300188
I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, "Keep giving it to the president." -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001301657
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001303043
I would wager that the number of civilians that were killed [in] a typical week under Saddam Hussein was probably more than we killed during the weeks we were at war there. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001305280
Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong>strongstrong>. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001306502
If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001309060
New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says "We're serious about fiscal responsibility" quite like a billionaire whose corporations have filed for bankruptcy three times. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001311000
Instead of using the expression "It is what it is," just shut up. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001311421
Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on a world it can never enjoy. But it does technically live longer. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001312720
The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling to the floor. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001313098
I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001313234
I didn't really think a lot about religion, but I didn't really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn't go to church, but when I got in trouble I kinda pleaded with God - whoever that was. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001314938
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001316525
We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart. Iowa grandpas and nine-year-old girls from Ohio are simply not looking to visit 'a painful chastisement upon the Western infidels. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001316736
Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001317724
March Madnesss ... the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001322921
Heroin may be bad, but it sure as hell hasn't hurt my CD collection. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001326399
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001329284
The truth can be hard to take, but we have an obligation to look and see what's going on, and, if we don't like it, a chance to stop going along with it. This important film provides precisely that insight and that opportunity. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001336083
Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political
which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001336090
When you tolerate intolerance, you're not really being a liberal. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001336667
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001341105
Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on ... you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it's not like you could get laid any less. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001341952
Based on every statement I've heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001348570
Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001350806
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001351738
Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001354929
We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001356110
You can't get saved if you don't play. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001359281
I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001369202
Forget the Syria debate; we need a debate on why we are always debating on whether to bomb someone. Because we're starting to look not so much like the world's police men but more like George Zimmerman. Itching to use force and then pretending it's because we had no choice. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001369534
I used to stay at the Trump [hotels] and I just wouldn't now. The people were great, but I wouldn't stay at a 'birther' hotel. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001371101
I would rather put up with Rush Limbaugh and live in a country where we all do have freedom of speech. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001371159
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001371864
If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001378411
Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001386180
I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001387159
Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001388933
Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001396138
Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001396535
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001398466
I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get there? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001400717
Religion is insanity by consensus. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001405482
Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and not eat the fries on the way home. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001415119
It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other people let him. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001422810
The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001423582
Next week John Boehner will be sitting behind Barack Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of 'Old Yeller.' The state of our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001429841
Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001431856
I'm okay with it now that Obama's in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001436746
Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001442864
My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001445952
The federal government ... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001447419
New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001452122
Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001453538
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term. That's right, put your cervix where your mouth is. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001455828
The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001457378
African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001461826
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001463849
Look, I have never made a secret of the fact that I have tried marijuana ... About 50,000 times. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001464555
If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001468916
So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001472641
Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001478940
The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001482443
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001486383
The public is gullible ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001487591
You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion? We call for federally-funded, partial-birth abortions at the drive-through at McDonald's. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001491658
Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, 'The Elephant in the Room.' And People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001494240
How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when - if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001494976
As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don't want Sarah Palin to be president. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001496993
I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001501470
False hope really makes you cynical. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001504384
Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001516168
Yes, in baseball when the team stinks, you fire the manager. But you don't fire him because it rains. And you don't let the opposing team choose a new manager for you. And you don't fire him between innings. And replace him with a Viennese weightlifter. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001520100
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001521822
Treason is when legislators vote against homeland security measures because it goes against the wishes of their political or financial backers. Treason is the fact that, as a terrorist, you could still buy a gun in this country because the NRA lobby is so strong. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001523709
When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001526330
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001528088
If the Hamas people had the opportunity, they would kill the maximum number of Israelis, which would be all. And, Israel has the opportunity to kill way more, and they do not. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001530155
The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001531272
New Rule: This Valentine's Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001537966
I guess what's so frustrating about the drug movement is that it's not much of a movement that's too many stoners involved. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001541341
This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001542345
In America, there's no idea so patently absurd that it can't catch on. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001542472
It's so childish, greatest country in the world. It's like saying, I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001543078
Republicans have pounced. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001544863
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001545329
The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001549162
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001552632
Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America, except he has to show I.D. when he votes. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001554519
You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001556756
Jesus is great
is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between
the bureaucracy, you know ... It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001558836
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001560443
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001561231
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001563785
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001566230
I do admit there are things in the universe I don't understand. But my response to that is not to make up silly stories ... or to believe intellectually embarrassing myths from the Bronze Age, but you believe whatever you want. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001567294
You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001568190
I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001572142
Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001575547
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001577948
Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001578000
Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001579741
Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001580502
There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001581569
The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001587311
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001590402
What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001594807
I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001594920
Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs - another blonde airhead. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001597696
Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001599250
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001608270
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001611940
America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can't actually explain issues to a dog. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001612295
Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001614813
New Rule: 12 years after 9/11 and admits yet another debate whether to bomb yet another Muslim country. America must stop asking the question: Why do they hate us? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001615763
I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001618304
Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001620519
Clint Eastwood's speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001620979
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001621384
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, I'm coming into Reagan! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001629469
This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001630703
I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001638550
This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001641084
Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001643374
Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a 'tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001644064
In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001647651
When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001652218
Religion is detrimental to the progress of society. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001654087
The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001654713
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001660988
President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001662132
We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001662846
People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001663771
To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001665384
One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001665723
Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001667978
Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good, -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001668243
If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001676462
If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001677154
A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001677931
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001678469
This is America. We don't have adult discussions. We have Twitter. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001678655
There are good people who do good things, there are bad people who do bad things, but to get a good person to do a bad thing takes religion. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001681582
Mohamed Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001685215
Fake it. We know you can do that. We've seen your sex tape. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001685848
Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said, 'Marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what's ruining this country.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001686343
True patriotism is doing something for your country. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001690323
What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001690963
Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001694105
[George W. Bush] has balls. And he's a leader. Unfortunately his balls and leadership are in the service of shitty ideas. We need his balls on someone who thinks right. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001698714
People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001704534
I'm just honest. They [asians] don't want to see black people generally in their movies. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001708346
To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you're a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven - that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001715062
Doubt is the only appropriate response for human beings. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001715535
You can behead people, you can crucify them, you can cut their hearts out and eat them on YouTube ... but, don't screw with the place where God hid America's oil. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001718299
Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001724326
In this country your guilty until proven wealthy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001725325
The president had a press conference about this this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.'. He has something even more deadly in store for them - we're going to bring them democracy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001726210
If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001727685
All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it! -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001728440
Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001729012
My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can't do for themselves. And that's mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001736403
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001736701
What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001739286
The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001744906
It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace Prize winner in his. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001744917
Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001746711
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001746712
I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001746713
Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001746714
Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001753108
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001759888
If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001763315
Every day in America is a day with a shooting. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001764061
To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don't refer to us anymore as 'infidel crusaders.' They refer to us as 'Irish relatives.' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001770360
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001770396
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001772043
[Obamacare] was going to be the Republicans' big issue, and they're not talking about it because it's working. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001784813
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001790495
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001793980
Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there ... it can make it anywhere!' -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001796395
It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001797713
One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001812185
We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001813955
Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001814896
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001820468
I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001825971
This is my question for conservatives: don't you want to live, too? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001826744
When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001827070
Men are only as loyal as their options. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001827946
It's very hard not to be condescending when you're explaining something to an idiot. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001829296
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001833047
Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001833182
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001833890
Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001834474
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001835355
Greed can overtake smart. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001839206
I hear this all the time: 'Obama's policies aren't working.' He hasn't been allowed to put his policies into place. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001841667
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001841844
Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001842835
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001843980
Republicans look to find the future and they find radio. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001848799
New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001849895
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001849953
This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith - 'I'm gonna put a boot in their ass.' If you don't do that, somehow you can't be strong. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001854322
A flu shot is the worst thing you can do. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001854358
Do you think it's possible that when we're on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we're having a really spiritual experience that we're just high? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001860341
Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001860540
President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001865514
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream? -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001870593
Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001871140
Germs do not have a political party. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001874102
We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001878556
In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things. -- Bill Maher
Bill Maher Quotes : pic 001879966
Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flagbr>they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it. -- Bill Maher