Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Christopher Moore, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Christopher Moore quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 581 Christopher Moore quotes for you to read and share.

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Blessed are the dumbfucks. -- Christopher Moore
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For me, 'Lamb' started out as a further exploration of the phenomenon of faith and the responsibility of a messiah that I touched on in 'Coyote Blue' and 'Island of the Sequined Love Nun,' but it ended up being an exploration of the true meaning of sacrifice, loyalty, and friendship. -- Christopher Moore
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So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that? -- Christopher Moore
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FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters. -- Christopher Moore
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About to be hanged is my status quo, not a condition that requires your repair. -- Christopher Moore
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Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him ... -- Christopher Moore
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[Conservation] Barring that, just yell at people randomly to stop killing whales. It could catch on. Really.
("Would you like fries with that?"
"Shut up and stop killing whales!"
"Thank you. Drive through, please.") -- Christopher Moore
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I fear you may become a lonely man, even in the company of others. -- Christopher Moore
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the preferable way to treat one another is with love and kindness; that pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity; and that somehow, as human beings, we are all connected spiritually. -- Christopher Moore
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Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass? -- Christopher Moore
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If it be not destiny, then surely there is plausible deniability, which in the parlance of politics is the same thing. -- Christopher Moore
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When you go on book tour, you're always talking about yourself and your book from the time you get up in the morning until you go out at night. You, you. You get really sick of yourself. -- Christopher Moore
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No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce. -- Christopher Moore
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We've been tagged twice by that Bruce Mate guy from Oregon State. That guy's a menace. Probably has a satellite tag on his wife to track her trips to the can. -- Christopher Moore
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Molly stood over the stove, naked, except for a wide sash from which was slung the scabbard for her broadsword at the center of her back, giving the impression that she had won honors in the Miss Nude Random Violence Pageant. Her -- Christopher Moore
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That's what I'm saying, said Charlie, who wasn't saying that at all. -- Christopher Moore
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She's so small, yet she contains so much evil. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh my God, you're like Obnoxious and Annoying had an ass baby! -- Christopher Moore
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Do not be afraid Everyone before you has died You cannot stay Any more than a baby can stay forever in the womb Leave behind all you know All you love Leave behind pain and suffering This is what Death is. - The Book of Living and Dying (The Tibetan Book of the Dead) -- Christopher Moore
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It wasn't so much like the hands of time had stood still here, more like they'd been thrown in the air in exasperation, the clock declaring whatever! I'm outta here. -- Christopher Moore
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Venice took on the feeling of a city paved with black glass, the odd lantern, torch, or candle reflecting in the canals like distant windows into hell, the crescent moon throwing silver scythes across the water where it could find its way between buildings. -- Christopher Moore
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Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind's roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to. -- Christopher Moore
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Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both. -- Christopher Moore
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Moi?", said I, in perfect fucking French. -- Christopher Moore
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One of them hissed-not the hiss of a cat, a long, steady tone-more like the hiss of air escaping the rubber raft that is all that lies between you and a dark sea full of sharks, the hiss of your life leaking out at the seams. -- Christopher Moore
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I'm not scared, Daddy. I just need some crunchy Cheese Newts up in this bitch. -- Christopher Moore
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I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan.
"And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan. -- Christopher Moore
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She turned her head and there was such sadness, such kindness in her pity for me, that I knew at once how the bold Othello, pirate and soldier - that hard, scarred, killing thing - had lost his heart. -- Christopher Moore
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The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear. -- Christopher Moore
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Which isn't, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass. -- Christopher Moore
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Evil is our trade, but not so deep a darkness as politics. -- Christopher Moore
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Yeah, that's right, Lash. Because I'm Chinese I have a deep-seated need to nosh house pets. Now why don't you let him in before my inner Chinaman forces me to kung-fu your bitch ass. -- Christopher Moore
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When war makes commerce and commerce is law, profit rules prudence and justice is flawed. -- Christopher Moore
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She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference. -- Christopher Moore
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I love British cursing - the cadence of it, the joy in the sound of the words, and the vulgarity of it. -- Christopher Moore
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Pain travels pretty well. -- Christopher Moore
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I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry. -- Christopher Moore
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Dancing?", ventured Portia. "I do so prefer dancing to suffering, don't you, Nerissa?"
"You speak as if one must choose one over another. For every gentleman who has turned you around a ballroom can attest, dancing and suffering can be partners in step. -- Christopher Moore
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The dull always seek to be clever at the fool's expense, to somehow repay him for his cutting wit, but never are they clever, and often they are cruel. -- Christopher Moore
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I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby -- Christopher Moore
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I'll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me. -- Christopher Moore
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Bet he was myrrh," said Josh. "Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me. My mother told me the myrrh went bad after a week too." Did I mention that Joshua was not a myrrh fan? -- Christopher Moore
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Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car. -- Christopher Moore
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Wiggly Charlie lived in a big house with his friends Audrey and Big Charlie. He liked mozzarella cheese sticks, chasing his tennis ball, and putting his purple wizard hat on his willy and pretending they were friends. -- Christopher Moore
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Pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity; -- Christopher Moore
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No." Tommy turned and headed toward the door. As he reached it he turned and said, "I'm not fucked." The Sartre reader looked up from his book and said, "We all are. We all are. -- Christopher Moore
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I am convinced by the events of the last few weeks that nefarious forces of people
unidentified but no less real
are threatening life as we know it, and in fact, may be bent on unraveling the very fabric of our existence. -- Christopher Moore
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Charlie found himself affecting the Emperor's formal speech patterns, as if somehow he had been transported to a royal court where a nobleman was distinguished by the crumbs in his beard and the royal guard were not above licking their balls. -- Christopher Moore
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So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something? -- Christopher Moore
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At "tooth fairy," Sophie popped her head out the door. "I will smack that bitch up and take her bag of quarters! I will not be fucked with! -- Christopher Moore
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Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There's no such place. -- Christopher Moore
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Slowly and gently, Augustus Brine explained to the king of the Djinn about the illusion created by motion pictures. When he finished, he felt like he had just raped the tooth fairy in front of a class of kindergartners. -- Christopher Moore
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You are my desire.
Eating your luscious love thoughts
My Junk Just Dropped Off -- Christopher Moore
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For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, Bassanio is so handsome." "As is his friend." "Do you fancy him?" "Do you jest? I was lucky not to be sliding on the slippery floor next to you." "That is not why I slipped. -- Christopher Moore
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Cry havoc, and let slip the trousers of most outrageous bonkilation! -- Christopher Moore
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We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity, Green Eggs and Hamlet, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets. -- Christopher Moore
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Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy -- Christopher Moore
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I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone. -- Christopher Moore
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couldn't be more Scottish if it was painted blue and smelled of burning peat and your ginger sister. -- Christopher Moore
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I'm fucked.
We're fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel. -- Christopher Moore
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Love them all," said Renoir. "That is the secret, young man. Love them all." The painter let go of his arm and shrugged. "Then, even if your paintings are shit, you will have loved them all. -- Christopher Moore
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Author's Warning
If you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you. -- Christopher Moore
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Ooo ahe-e, I aya oa a, she said in yawnspeak, a language - not unlike Hawaiian - known for its paucity of consonants. -- Christopher Moore
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You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole different program. Political science, I think." Despite -- Christopher Moore
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I don't give a toss about being remembered after my death. -- Christopher Moore
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I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because, well, there aren't any. I looked around for one but couldn't find anything. So it's a wide-open field. -- Christopher Moore
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I would have looked away, should have, but I had never seen a green one. A weaker man might have plucked out his own eyes, but being a philosopher, I knew the sight could never be unseen, so I persevered. -- Christopher Moore
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Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and sort of rode him to the ground with a massive tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the burned cinnamon toast of his soul, but then I slapped him, so he didn't think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)
Being the Journal of Abby Normal -- Christopher Moore
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Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs? -Tommy -- Christopher Moore
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'Paint only what you see,' his hero Millet had admonished.
'Imagination is a burden to a painter,' Auguste Renoir had told him. 'Painters are craftsmen, not storytellers. Paint what you see.'
Ah, but what they hadn't said, hadn't warned him about, was how much you could see. -- Christopher Moore
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There's no scientific basis for zombieism
except for some experiments in the Caribbean with blowfish toxins that put people in a state of near death with almost imperceptible respiration and pulse, but there was no actual, you know, raising of the dead. -- Christopher Moore
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We'll help," said one boy, his finger far enough up his nose to tickle a memory nesting in his frontal lobe. -- Christopher Moore
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As if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off. -- Christopher Moore
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He tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity. -- Christopher Moore
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Charlie said, "Mr. Mainheart was pretty broken up." "Well, I guess so," Lily said. "He married a complete fucktard. -- Christopher Moore
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Foo shuddered. It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love was very unscientific. -- Christopher Moore
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From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete. -- Christopher Moore
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The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States. -- Christopher Moore
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Let's bat that nun out of the dog park! -- Christopher Moore
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Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism. -- Christopher Moore
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Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos. -- Christopher Moore
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You love your wars for the coffers, but for the warrior and the widow, the orphan and the owned, you've not two dry fucks to give. -- Christopher Moore
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What do you want?"
"Spain"
"Fuck! -- Christopher Moore
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In Breeze's business one got used to running across the skeletons in people's closets. If Billy's skeleton wore women's underwear, it didn't really matter. Homosexuality on Billy Winston was like acne on a leper. -- Christopher Moore
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She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom."
"Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears."
...
"I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S."
"He mean the tiny bears. -- Christopher Moore
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did you just say 'gee whiz' to me? what am I, nine? I am a woman- -- Christopher Moore
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Out came an extraordinarily complex network of plastic, brass, and stainless-steel tubing, which in seconds Kona had assembled into what Quinn thought was either a very small and elegant linear particle accelerator or, more likely, the most complex bong ever constructed. -- Christopher Moore
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Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally, you just decide to go with fate. -- Christopher Moore
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Y'all act like I brought the ladies to the party, but they come on they own, cuz. A door open up out the Underworld, there they is. It's y'all's fault they here. All y'all let shit get so fucked up here they was drawn here like hoes to coke. -- Christopher Moore
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His words were: hello, good-bye, yes, no, please, thank you, okay, sorry, and suck my dick. He -- Christopher Moore
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Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then gone with the light. -- Christopher Moore
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You can't teach someone to be funny, but you can teach comic timing. If you listen to a good comic, you can learn how to put it on a page. -- Christopher Moore
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The two had been together since they were little girls, and so loved and hated each other like sisters. -- Christopher Moore
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In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime. -- Christopher Moore
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Do not bonk the Juliette -- Christopher Moore
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From Dickens's cockneys to Salinger's phonies, from Kerouac's beatniks to Cheech and Chong's freaks, and on to hip hop's homies, dialect has always been used as a way for generations to distinguish themselves. -- Christopher Moore
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It's a yeti," said Gaspar from behind me, obviously having been roused from his trance. "An abominable snowman." "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep!?" I exclaimed. "Not an abomination," Josh said, "abominable." The yeti licked him on the cheek. -- Christopher Moore
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You cannot believe what you do not believe, Rumi siad. I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it. -- Christopher Moore
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And so it came to pass, that Joshua of Nazareth moved among them, healing them and performing miracles, and all the little blind children of Nicobar did see again, and all the lame did stand up and walk. The little fuckers. And -- Christopher Moore
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Then, after he'd watched her walk out, a wave of melancholy swept over him and for the thirtieth time that day he regretted that he hadn't just become a pharmacist, or a charter captain, or something that made you feel more alive, like a pirate. -- Christopher Moore
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You're going to need more than that to usher in the kingdom of God, Josh, no offense. We can't go home with, 'Hi, I'm the Messiah, God wanted you to have this bacon. -- Christopher Moore
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She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen. -- Christopher Moore
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Love: the sickest of Irony's sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. -- Christopher Moore
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I was baptized Methodist, but I was mainly raised First Church of NFL, which is to say that my family, especially my father, was much more concerned with watching football on Sundays than attending services. -- Christopher Moore
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She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it. -- Christopher Moore
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I don't read reviews if I know in advance they're negative, because I can't have my confidence undermined when I'm writing. -- Christopher Moore
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Marry for love, stay married, and raise happy children who are quick to laugh and slow to judge. -- Christopher Moore
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The measure of a man's power is the depth of his mercy. -- Christopher Moore
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What is character, if not a man's measure of himself against his friends and enemies? -- Christopher Moore
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Love without desire, or conditions, or limits - a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once. -- Christopher Moore
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Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose. -- Christopher Moore
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Ack! Parables. I hate parables. -- Christopher Moore
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But I have known many women
many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics. -- Christopher Moore
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The little people parted and two of them carried a tray with the head of an animal Wiggley Charlie didn't recognize down an aisle. (It was the head of an opossum, but the o was silent, as often happens with the decapitated.) -- Christopher Moore
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When your best friend is the son of God, you get tired of losing every argument. -- Christopher Moore
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Well, you know, she was winded for a few minutes from kicking your ass, but she is just a little girl." The -- Christopher Moore
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You know, a vampire book is not a book to be the vehicle for big themes and stuff, where sometimes when you're dealing with art or the life of Christ or the oeuvre of Shakespeare, you know, it's a little more ambitious. -- Christopher Moore
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It's like time travel only, you know, slower... -- Christopher Moore
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You whoreson scalawag!" said I. "You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot! -- Christopher Moore
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I so adored her when she let her warrior queen armor fall, and came, silly and giggling, into my arms. -- Christopher Moore
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Look, I've always had an empty place in my life that I've alternatively tried to fill with food and penises, but now I have something. -- Christopher Moore
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Accepting death folds the soul, tempers and layers it like a Damascus blade. When I'd thrown myself into the canal in grief, only to be pulled out by the Moor, I'd become colder, more durable. -- Christopher Moore
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Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy. -- Christopher Moore
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Privacy is a rare commodity on a small island and secrets weigh heavy on their keepers -- Christopher Moore
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I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off. -- Christopher Moore
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He shuffled along with the hang-dog look of the cosmically fucked. -- Christopher Moore
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What love is not torment when a man knows not how to love himself? Talk not of drowning, but attaining your heart's desire by action: Put money in thy purse. -- Christopher Moore
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In the East they taught us that all suffering comes from desire, and that rough beast would stalk me through my life, but on that afternoon, and for a time after, I touched grace. -- Christopher Moore
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Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.
She honked my codpiece.
You honked my codpiece."
Aye, give it up, fool." [ ... ] -- Christopher Moore
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The image of a well-dressed older woman making on a goopish spoonful of artificial boon spooge was running across the lobes of his brain like a stuttering nightmare. -- Christopher Moore
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That's a horrible plan." "Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that. -- Christopher Moore
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Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.
Being the Journal of Abby Normal -- Christopher Moore
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Like God's own chocolate, I'd lick her shadow off a hot sidewalk -- Christopher Moore
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Ninety-five percent of all the species that have ever existed are now extinct, so don't look so goddamn smug. - GERARD RYDER -- Christopher Moore
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This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men? -- Christopher Moore
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San Francisco is a breathtakingly beautiful city, with lots of great contrasts between dark and light, often overlapping each other. It's a great setting for a horror story. -- Christopher Moore
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I am not inclined to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment -- Christopher Moore
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So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) -- Christopher Moore
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You don't hurry a thinker, and you don't talk to him when he's thinking. It's just inconsiderate. -- Christopher Moore
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Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe. -- Christopher Moore
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This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional gramar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. -- Christopher Moore
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They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs? -- Christopher Moore
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She looked at him - those wide blue eyes - with sort of an odd, glazed look. Not with the adoration or wonder that you might expect, more like she'd been drinking and would be leaving as soon as she found her car keys. -- Christopher Moore
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Angels are just pretty insects. -- Christopher Moore
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Some time ago, the Luminatus, or the Great Death, who kept balance between light and darkness, ceased to be. Since then, Forces of Darkness have been trying to rise from below. You are all that stands between them and destruction of the collective soul of humanity. Try not to screw up. -- Christopher Moore
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Fate does not favor the dim. -- Christopher Moore
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Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman! -- Christopher Moore
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Ydych chi'n cymryd cerdynnau credid? said the highwayman, no doubt trying to frighten me further, his consonants chained like anal beads strung out of hell's own bunghole. -- Christopher Moore
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When I was writing 'You Suck,' in 2006, I constructed the diction of the book's narrator, perky Goth girl Abby Normal, from what I read on Goth blog sites. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, do fuck off. You Muslims and your aversion to drink. Fucking slaughter the greater part of the Western fucking world in Allah's name, but someone wants to toast to your health and suddenly it's all piety, prayer, throw out the pork, and let's put draperies around the women. -- Christopher Moore
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You can't just accidentally penis somebody. -- Christopher Moore
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Sorry. Accident. Couldn't be helped. -- Christopher Moore
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There was a flash, a ding, and everything got dark and gooey. -- Christopher Moore
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Life is an irritation. -- Christopher Moore
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Funny how easy heartbreak can come. I've always had a talent for it. -- Christopher Moore
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Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, 'I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a bowl when a perfectly good vessel lay at the end of my wrist. -- Christopher Moore
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A centipede the size of a Pontiac had once lived in the bottom-right corner of the trunk but had long since moved on once he realized that no one was ever going to bother him, so he could stand up on his hind hundred feet, hiss like a pissed cat, and deliver a deadly bite to a naked foot. -- Christopher Moore
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The gourney, the big file drawers of the dead, the instruments of dissection - this sure looked like the morgues in the movies. Something had gone seriously wrong while she slept. -- Christopher Moore
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She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass. -- Christopher Moore
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He didn't understand religion. It was like heroin or golf: He knew a lot of people did it, but he didn't understand why. -- Christopher Moore
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He's not dumb, Biff, he just has a talent for belief. -- Christopher Moore
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Yeah, and don't think it's easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium. -- Christopher Moore
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A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note. -- Christopher Moore
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Kona was in tears, wailing like Bob Marley in a bear trap
inconsolable. -- Christopher Moore
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And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious. -- Christopher Moore
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I just finished a novel called 'Exult,' by Joe Quirk, last night. It's about hang gliding. I liked his first book, too, 'The Ultimate Rush.' I now know that I never, ever, ever want to go hang gliding, so that's good. -- Christopher Moore
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But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age."
"I thought you liked redheads."
"I do. What's your point? -- Christopher Moore
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Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population, even in the negative? -- Christopher Moore
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The sofa was lumpy enough to have had a body sewed into it; stuffing spilled out of the arms where the victim had tried to escape. -- Christopher Moore
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He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of. -- Christopher Moore
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Evolution doesn't really have a destination. It's just dicking around with possibilities. -- Christopher Moore
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Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration
a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir. -- Christopher Moore
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Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written. -- Christopher Moore
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My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham ... -- Christopher Moore
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Okey dokey, fire up the blender, let's make a furry-flurry smoothie out of that squirrel! -- Christopher Moore
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not the end of the world, just darkness over everything," Charlie cheerfully said. "it gets dark - turn on a light. -- Christopher Moore
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No. Trust me, you have to leave me now so you won't later. I'll see you again. -- Christopher Moore
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Joseph had regained his composure by now. Evidently, once you accept that your wife slept with God, extraordinary events seem sort of commonplace. -- Christopher Moore
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Given the choice between grabbing a strange tongue and watching a monster poop into a giant snail shell, the face retreats and slams the door behind it -- Christopher Moore
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The hip-hop guy nodded curtly, like he knew that, and despite appearances to the contrary, he had not been trippin', but had, in fact, been chillin' like a mo-fuckin' villain, so step the fuck off, wigga. He crossed against the light, limping slightly under the weight of the subtext. -- Christopher Moore
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It's Christmas! Ah, Christmas, the time when all good people go about not decapitating each other. -- Christopher Moore
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Will there be heinous fuckery, Pocket? -- Christopher Moore
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If you are going to learn, you need to forget what you know. - Pokey -- Christopher Moore
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Mr. Fresh sat down on the stool behind the counter and stared into the eyes of the cardboard cutout of Cher, hoping to find answers there. But the bitch was holding out. -- Christopher Moore
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So I'm like getting some perspective now - like when you're a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercials kids with flies in their eyes, who don't even have a sandwich - and you're all, 'Well, that sucks. -- Christopher Moore
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Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath. -- Christopher Moore
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What is your name?" asked Lear.
Caius," said Kent.
And whence do you hail?"
From Bonking, sire."
Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town? -- Christopher Moore
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That's it, said Cavuto. You're too much of a nerd to be gay. I'm contacting the committee. They'll revoke your rainbow flag and you will not be permitted anywhere near the parade. -- Christopher Moore
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She laughed. My favorite music. -- Christopher Moore
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Creatures of the night were rising from their resting places and venturing forth to feed on their unsuspecting victims. -- Christopher Moore
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It had been less than an hour since the cops led Abby away and already he missed her like a severed limb. It was embarrassing. How could hormones and hydrostatic pressure make you feel like this? Love -- Christopher Moore
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Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh yes, I kept all of the abominations at bay while Kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes. -- Christopher Moore
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Outside the bedroom Jane fumbled around and in her purse and produced a pack of cigarettes, but couldn't figure out whether to smoke one or not. "Holy Motown Jesus with Pips, what the fuck is going on in there? -- Christopher Moore
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The next day the weather was blown out, with whitecaps frosting the entire channel across to Lanai and the coconut palms whipping overhead like epileptic dust mops. -- Christopher Moore
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Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk -- Christopher Moore
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This is fucking magic, she thought. This isn't some story out of one of Tommy's books. This isn't something you can experiment with in the bathroom. This is not natural, and whatever I am, it isn't natural. A vampire is magic, not science. -- Christopher Moore
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Their names are Death, Disease, War, and Sparkle-Darkle Glitter-tits," Sophie said. "They're the four little ponies of the Apocalypse. -- Christopher Moore
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When you're telling stories, you are actually trying to illuminate some portion of the truth in an artful way. The story may immediately seem to be a lie, but it's like an impressionistic painting - you see the light and the color better than you would with a photo-realistic piece. -- Christopher Moore
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I've sort of made a reputation by high-stepping my way out of genre. As soon as somebody says, 'He does this,' I'm not standing there anymore. -- Christopher Moore
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Not our problem. We don't have a dead blue hooker in our apartment. -- Christopher Moore
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I've won Satan's lottery. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair. -- Christopher Moore
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Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown. -- Christopher Moore
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Justice favors the favored sons. -- Christopher Moore
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So safe," Coyote said, "that you can lose it in a day? To be safe is to be afraid. Is that what you want: to be afraid? -- Christopher Moore
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The only difference between a pirate and a privateer is a flag, -- Christopher Moore
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In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos. -- Christopher Moore
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You don't have to tell him anything, Asher,' Lily said, obviously renewing her loyalty in spite of his douche wafflosity. -- Christopher Moore
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I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something. -- Christopher Moore
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She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species. -- Christopher Moore
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Y'all got to love something. Y'all got to hate something. Y'all got to want something. Pissing on other people's passion 'cause you trying to be cool just make you a coward - a -- Christopher Moore
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And then I see that the old vampyre is charred like Wile E. Coyote after a bad rocket shoes test. -- Christopher Moore
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Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening. -- Christopher Moore
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How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman. -- Christopher Moore
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It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pound hounds from hell -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, not tonight, good Iago," said Cassio. "I have poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I wish courtesy would invent some other custom of entertainment. -- Christopher Moore
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An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture. -- Christopher Moore
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Torah! Torah! Torah!"
- THE WAR CRY OF THE KAMIKAZE RABBIS. -- Christopher Moore
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She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body. Detective Cavuto -- Christopher Moore
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Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates. -- Christopher Moore
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Well, it is written, two out of three ain't bad." "Where is that written?" "Dalmatians 9:7, I think - doesn't matter, no one else could have done what you did. -- Christopher Moore
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My experience weighs on me far more than my years show. -- Christopher Moore
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Animals might put up with that smiley shit, but people will eventually kill you for it. -- Christopher Moore
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As Richard Pryor was to Eddie Murphy, that's what Kurt Vonnegut was to me. -- Christopher Moore
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The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more. -- Christopher Moore
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People always stay the age that they died at. My big brother died of leukemia when I was six. He was eight. Now when I think of him, he's always eight, and he's still my big brother. He never changes, and the part of me that remembers him never changes. -- Christopher Moore
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Devil's Food?
You can only eat so much white cake, my friend. -- Christopher Moore
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My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate. -- Christopher Moore
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He had broken one of the cardinal rules - Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself - and he'd been loving life ever since. They -- Christopher Moore
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In the blink of an eye my beauty becomes but a feast for worms, and I, a forgotten sigh in a sea of nothingness. -- Christopher Moore
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Inside, I was like: Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter! -- Christopher Moore
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It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.) -- Christopher Moore
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Funny how the illusion of safety can make us careless. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again. -- Christopher Moore
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One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses. -- Christopher Moore
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What the hell good was it to be the Lord of the Underworld if there was fuzz on your underdone toast. -- Christopher Moore
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So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.
"This is death toast sweety. -- Christopher Moore
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She's studying the Existentialists this month. Asked for a study day last week to kill an Arab on the beach. -- Christopher Moore
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Sweet Pocket, you mustn't ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you."
"Sweet Thalia," said I. "That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss. -- Christopher Moore
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Come up here if you have a vision or if you are in trouble." Pokey grabbed a bag from the floor of the truck and handed it to Samson through the window. "There's a blanket in there and some mint -- Christopher Moore
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The visual conjured in Val's mind - all that parched, wrinkled flesh in furious friction - culminated in flames, as if some giant cosmic Boy Scout had decided to rub two old people together to make a fire. -- Christopher Moore
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Jealousy makes you feel bad, but God is jealous, so it must be good. Yet when a dog licks its balls it seems to enjoy it, but it must be bad under the law. -- Christopher Moore
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Night crawled across the desert sky like a black cat with phosphorus dandruff. -- Christopher Moore
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How would I feel if I woke up and she told me that we had done it while I slept? I'd be fine with it. A little sad that I missed things, but I wouldn't be mad. I'd just ask her if I had a good time. Women are different, though. -- Christopher Moore
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Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby, you can be the director of the opponent's fate. -- Christopher Moore
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Tastes like shit! -- Christopher Moore
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She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature
that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess. -- Christopher Moore
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Weetabix - a British cereal biscuit whose taste and texture are generally thought to be improved by the addition of monkey come. -- Christopher Moore
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Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him ... -- Christopher Moore
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In order to hold off the Forces of Darkness, you will need a number two pencil and a calendar, preferably one without pictures of kitties on it. -- Christopher Moore
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Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy". -- Christopher Moore
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It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death. -- Christopher Moore
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Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead.' Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to 'poop on a stick,' but sounded more succinct, like this: 'Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead, Poopstick. -- Christopher Moore
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It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs. -- Christopher Moore
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You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"
"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize."
"Must be a human thing."
"Exactly. -- Christopher Moore
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(He reasoned: A well-formed bottom hanging in space is just a well-formed bottom, but you hook up a well-formed bottom to a whip-smart woman and apply a dash of the awkward and what you've got yourself is ... well, trouble.) -- Christopher Moore
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Give in to your passions and they will lead you to the most preposterous conclusions - passions make a fool of reason. -- Christopher Moore
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The medium obscured the message. -- Christopher Moore
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Shylock repointed his twitching, accusatory digit at his daughter. "You do not say such things in my house. You - you - you - you - " "Run along, love, it appears that Papa's been stricken with an apoplexy of the second person. -- Christopher Moore
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Don't bruise the Foo! -- Christopher Moore
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Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess -- Christopher Moore
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Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable. -- Christopher Moore
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After all the evidence is in
after you've run all the facts by everything you know
and you're still lost, you have to do some things on faith. -- Christopher Moore
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The music coming from inside sounded like robots fucking. And complaining about it. In rhythmic monotone. European robots. -- Christopher Moore
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You were supposed to empathize with your friend's problem, but they were, after all, your friend's problems ... -- Christopher Moore
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There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. -- Christopher Moore
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Multiple Personality Barbie. She's elegant, she's fashionable, and she's the reason that Ken has no genitals! Have fun, but remember to hide the sharp stuff! -- Christopher Moore
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You motherfucking kitties need to step the fuck off! -- Christopher Moore
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We really have to get going," Sam said. "Can we leave the car here and pick it up later?"
The monk said, "Does a dog have a Buddha nature?"
Does a fish have a watertight asshole?" said Coyote. -- Christopher Moore
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He smiled to himself. Through many centuries and many incarnations, he had learned one universal truth: bitches love them some cushions. -- Christopher Moore
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Take a moment to catch your breath and revel in your rhetorical mastery and achievement. -- Christopher Moore
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That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information."
"Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system? -- Christopher Moore
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Charlie Asher: I accidently shagged a monk last night.
Minty Fresh: Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided. -- Christopher Moore
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She could hear wisps of fog brushing against the buildings like wet velvet. -- Christopher Moore
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Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Seems like maybe it would make more sense to call in a SWAT team or Special Forces." "That won't work, isn't Special Forces where everyone gets a hug?" Charlie called. "That's the Special Olympics," Rivera said over his shoulder. -- Christopher Moore
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I try to stick to one, single rule, "If you don't have anything to say, shut the fuck up." I think that's in the Bible or something. -- Christopher Moore
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I can't write a book like 'Lamb' or 'Fool' every year. It just takes too much research and craft. -- Christopher Moore
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I love you, Lucien, but I am a muse, you are an artist, I am not here to make you comfortable. -- Christopher Moore
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You can only eat so much white cake. -- Christopher Moore
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Mr. Asher, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "No, ma'am, I'm going to have to insist that you pass away, this instant. You're overdue. -- Christopher Moore
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He had a plan - and a bus pass with four more days left on it - so this son of a bitch had picked the wrong guy to fuck with. -- Christopher Moore
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I don't know,' Charlie said. 'Have you gotten a good look at them? I mean, they got the badonkadonk out back and some fine bajoopbadangs up front, know what I'm sayin', dog? Buss a rock wid a playa?' He offered his fist for Minty to buss him a rock, but alas, the mint one left him hangin'. -- Christopher Moore
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Sophie marched away in rhythm to her new chant, not in the butt - not in the butt - not in the butt. -- Christopher Moore
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He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you. -- Christopher Moore
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What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies. -- Christopher Moore
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thou treacherous coal-souled wank-weasel! -- Christopher Moore
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I like a girl with a substantial bottom,' said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred. -- Christopher Moore
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Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss? -- Christopher Moore
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I'm painting moments. Unrepeatable, singular moments of light. -- Christopher Moore
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The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [ ... ] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies. -- Christopher Moore
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She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked. -- Christopher Moore
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Fine, as the tailor said to the broke and naked knight, suit yourself. -- Christopher Moore
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The Painting is not shit,' said Lucien.
'I know,' said Henri. 'That was just part of the subterfuge. I am of royal lineage; subterfuge is one of the many talents we carry in our blood, along with guile and hemophilia. -- Christopher Moore
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Everyone at the bar turned toward The Breeze and waited, as if the next few words he spoke would reveal the true meaning of life, the winning numbers of the lottery, and the unlisted phone number of God. -- Christopher Moore
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The landings below the bridge were perfect alcoves for conspiracy. -- Christopher Moore
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The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership. -- Christopher Moore
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True, I am drunk, and small, and damp, but mistake not my moistness for weakness, although there's an argument to be made for that, as well. -- Christopher Moore
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I don't know. I don't really have a plan. I don't even know if she's lucid. I've been on autopilot since I heard. I was waiting for you to get home so I could fall apart. -- Christopher Moore
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Don't ask me how he got here, or what he really is. I think we've all learned over the years that the sooner we accept the simple explanation for the unexplained, the better chance we have of surviving a crisis. -- Christopher Moore
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You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what. -- Christopher Moore
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How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend? -- Christopher Moore
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(For what is curiosity if not intellectual temptation? And what progress is there without curiosity?) -- Christopher Moore
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As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education. -- Christopher Moore
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Science, you don't know, looks like magic. -- Christopher Moore
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Yo, yo, yo, check it out, said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome -- Christopher Moore
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There's a shitload of insufferable know-it-all hipsters who will work for next to nothing for the privilege of condescending to customers about their musical knowledge. -- Christopher Moore
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Is it so hard for you to give up what you never had? -- Christopher Moore
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All of the trickster, rascal characters that I write have the voice I aspire to. In real life, you can't be that obnoxious and get away with it. -- Christopher Moore
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Whistler,' Manet called. 'How's your mother? -- Christopher Moore
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How would I feel, he thought, If I woke up and she was making love to me? Why I believe that I would be pleasantly surprised. -- Christopher Moore
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If you come to a river and find a boat at the edge, you will use that boat and it will serve you well, but once across the river, do you put the boat on your shoulders and carry it with you on the rest of your journey? -- Christopher Moore
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The garlic bread lay there between them, steaming with implications. They, of course, must both eat it or neither could. Garlic bread meant garlic breath. There might be a kiss later, maybe more. There was just too damn much intimacy in garlic bread. -- Christopher Moore
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It was a machine-gun orgasm, dark chocolate, spring water in the desert, a hallelujah chorus and the cavelry coming to the rescue all at once. -- Christopher Moore
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He was continually surprised at the speed and accuracy of her creepiness. She was like some creepiness child prodigy -- Christopher Moore
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I know you're busy dating actresses and psychopaths. -- Christopher Moore
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Have you never met anyone who works in a record store? There is no greater repository of unjustified arrogance in the world. -- Christopher Moore
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You're going to break my heart, aren't you? -- Christopher Moore
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[in regards to the "Asian guy"] He was so cute - in that Final Fantasy Thirty-Seven way. What I'm saying is, the Sex Fu is strong with this one.
The Chronicles of Abby Normal -- Christopher Moore
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Latin, Greek, and English, plus a smattering of Italian and fucking French." "Fucking French, you say? Well . . ." "Oui," said I, in perfect fucking French. -- Christopher Moore
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You think too much. Thinking will bring you nothing but suffering. Be simple. -- Christopher Moore
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Everything in Venice is just a little bit creepy, as much as it's beautiful. -- Christopher Moore
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He was a writer and words were his weapons. -- Christopher Moore
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Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles and the kinkiest fans! -- Christopher Moore
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He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift. -- Christopher Moore
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You should never pass up an opportunity to be kind. You should never not thank someone. You should never not say something nice when you think it. -- Christopher Moore
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I like my tea like I like my men," Audrey said. Jane looked at her quizzically. "Weak and green," Charlie said. -- Christopher Moore
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Getting a rise out of him was like trying to give a handjob to a parking meter: you were going to end up frustrated and exhausted long before a cop came along to haul you away. -- Christopher Moore
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(I bring food and drink to the guards when they are on post during feasts. I believe it is written in the Obfuscations of St. Pesto: "In nine cases out of ten, a large friend with a poleax shall truly a blessing be." ) -- Christopher Moore
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There's sort of a progression going back to the fifties: Bubbles, Boom Boom, and Blaze begat Bambi, Candy, and Jewel, who begat Sunshine, Brandy, and Cinnamon, who begat Amber, Brittany, and Brie, who begat Reagan, Morgan, and Madison. Madison is a stripper name. -- Christopher Moore
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It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer ... a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale. -- Christopher Moore
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Rum," said Kona. "Too much hostility in dat buzz. Rum come from da cane, and cane come from slavin' the people, and dat oppression all distilled in de bottle and come out a man mean as cat shit on a day. -- Christopher Moore
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What do you bring to this enterprise to justify a third of the profits?" "Will," said Iago. -- Christopher Moore
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Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women. -- Christopher Moore
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May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense. -- Christopher Moore
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I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat. -- Christopher Moore
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I thought I was going to be a horror story writer. My influences were horror writers, like Rich Matheson, Ray Bradbury and Bram Stoker. -- Christopher Moore
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No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture. -- Christopher Moore
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Routine feeds the illusion of safety... -- Christopher Moore
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They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker. That's a whole different program. Political science, I think. -- Christopher Moore
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Amy called the whale punkin. -- Christopher Moore
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I'm not nearly as outrageously brave as many of my rascals that I write. But I think the rascal spirit must reside in me somewhere. -- Christopher Moore
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Congratulations, you have been chosen to act as Death, it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, goddamn," said Minty Fresh (damn on the downbeat, with pain and sustain). "Goddamn, my hood and grille are all fucked up. Goddamn. I will tolerate the rising of darkness to cover the world, but you do not fuck with my ride. -- Christopher Moore
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A wall is a defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them. That's why Balthasar had us go this way. He wanted me to see the error in the Tao. One can't be free without action. -- Christopher Moore
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By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth. -- Christopher Moore
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I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. -- Christopher Moore
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Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus. -- Christopher Moore
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Like most people, I woke up one day to find that everyone I knew was taking antidepressants, and since I wasn't, I figured that I must be the cause of their depression. -- Christopher Moore
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The funeral was held at St. Mary's Catherdral of San Francisco, which has the distinction of being the only church in the world designed after a washing-machine agitator. -- Christopher Moore
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I'm more visual than verbal, really. The painting and so forth. -- Christopher Moore
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I'm poor and my cat is huge. -- Christopher Moore
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Adeline had come to Christianity the same way she had come to sex and smoking:through peer pressure.Thinking about her six kids and her smoker's hack, she wondered if perhaps peer pressure didn't always lead to the best habits. -- Christopher Moore
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And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito. -- Christopher Moore
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There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality
there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin. -- Christopher Moore
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And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers
I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.) -- Christopher Moore
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To be safe is to be afraid. -- Christopher Moore
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If you're going to learn, you need to forget what you know. -- Christopher Moore
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So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession -- Christopher Moore
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Steady and righteous we may be, my friend, but without courage to risk ourselves for our brother, we are but politicians - blustering whores to rhetoric. -- Christopher Moore
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When he was reading he could fly away into the wildest skies of imagination, untethered to the reality that his soul was trapped in a wretched creature cobbled together from meat and bone, like us all. -- Christopher Moore
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You first, Tommy said. They stood in the great room of their loft on either side of the futon, where the huge cat, a crossbreed between a Persian, a dust mop, and possibly a water buffalo, was actively shedding. -- Christopher Moore
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Minty Fresh made a motion with his hands of leveling, as if he were smoothing an imaginary tablecloth of calm over a counter constructed of contemporary freak-out. -- Christopher Moore
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Nothing says Christmas like a burning meth lab. -- Christopher Moore
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[Author's Notes] As I write this, September 2002, much about the humpback song is still unknown. (Although scientists do know that it tends to be found in the New Age music section, as well as in tropical waters ... ) -- Christopher Moore
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All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right? -- Christopher Moore
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Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it. -- Christopher Moore
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So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need -- Christopher Moore
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A question asked in earnest deserves an earnest answer. -- Christopher Moore
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I've made a dog's breakfast of English history, geography, 'King Lear,' and the English language in general. -- Christopher Moore
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Children see magic because they look for it. -- Christopher Moore
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Medication and forgiveness can make for joyous moments with the dying - it -- Christopher Moore
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She was twentysix and pretty in a way that made men want to tuck her into flannel sheets and kiss her on the forehead before leaving the room; cute but not beautiful. -- Christopher Moore
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Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic. -- Christopher Moore
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LOST 2 Irish Hellhounds. Very black, like bear. Huge, like bear. Answer to Alvin and Mohammed. Like to eat everything. Like bear! REWARD! -- Christopher Moore
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Just because he was pretty didn't mean he couldn't be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory -- Christopher Moore
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All fear comes from trying to see the future, Biff. If you know what is coming, you aren't afraid. -- Christopher Moore
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OMFGEIGHTPOUNDBABYJESUSONAPOGOSTICK WHAT? -- Christopher Moore
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One day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and fast. The next day he gave me the Datsun and went out and bought a Lincoln. -- Christopher Moore
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I think I'm what they call a never-was. -- Christopher Moore
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Your puny worm god weapons are useless against my superior Christmas Kung Fu. -- Christopher Moore
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When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed's presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance. -- Christopher Moore
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There's always a bloody ghost. -- Christopher Moore
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She is too beautiful, I think, to not be inherently evil. -- Christopher Moore
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Let's high stick that moose in the fun bags. -- Christopher Moore
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Moses should have said Let my people go. Please. -- Christopher Moore
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You put your dick in my lunch? -- Christopher Moore
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And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby -- Christopher Moore
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Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones. -- Christopher Moore
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Tommy had completely forgotten that he was horny. He had always been horny, and had accepted that he always would be horny. So when Jody sat down across from him and the tsunami of hormones washed over him, he was quite shocked that he had ever forgotten. -- Christopher Moore
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Change comes through action. -- Christopher Moore
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I don't remember any snow in all of the Torah. The Lord probably doesn't even go to places where it snows. -- Christopher Moore
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(Of course there are gay Betas: the Beta Male boyfriend is highly prized in the gay community because you can teach him how to dress yet you can remain relatively certain that he will never develop a fashion sense or be more fabulous than you.) -- Christopher Moore
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but all things considered, he could go a very long time not being run over by a Volvo again and feel just dandy about it. He -- Christopher Moore
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Rivera rubbed his temples. "Satan told you to do it?" he said wearily.
"No."
"Elvis?"
"I told you, it's supernatural. -- Christopher Moore
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Any freedom that can be given can be taken away. -- Christopher Moore
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One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy. -- Christopher Moore
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On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire. -- Christopher Moore
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You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. -- Christopher Moore
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Where do you think this guy is leading us?' 'Probably somewhere to murder and kill us.' 'Yeah, at least one of those. -- Christopher Moore
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Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan. -- Christopher Moore
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The constable lit the bong and lost himself in the scuba bubbles of sweet comforting smoke. -- Christopher Moore
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I love you above all things, even pie. -- Christopher Moore
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Know what I like about mysteries? They're mysterious. -- Christopher Moore
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What?" he said. "What? What? What?" "Master, you're walking on the water," said Peter. "I just ate," Joshua said. "You can't go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers? -- Christopher Moore
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I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck. -- Christopher Moore
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You sure about this writer thing son? -- Christopher Moore
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I have followed my penis into hell
and returned with the story. -- Christopher Moore
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If they'd been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can't scratch. -- Christopher Moore
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It was as if vampirism carried with it a crampless case of rattlesnake PMS. -- Christopher Moore
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Minty? Your name is Minty Fresh? -- Christopher Moore
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If you like what you're reading, I probably wrote it. -- Christopher Moore
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Love is where you find it. -- Christopher Moore
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Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -Abby -- Christopher Moore
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This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do. -- Christopher Moore
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(at eighteen months, Sophie moved like a small drunk most of the time.) -- Christopher Moore
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An adventure story is fear recalled in comfort. -- Christopher Moore
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You know, there's a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that.
Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I'll bet I can do it in six. -- Christopher Moore
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You have to reward them when they do what you want. I tried punishing them when they misbehaved, but the hammer seemed to crush their spirit. -- Christopher Moore
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So, there on the front step, he decided to go with total hysteria. He started breathing hard, pumping up some tears, got a good whimpering sob going, then opened the door with a dieseling back sniffle. He fell onto the welcome mat and let loose with a full fire-truck-siren wail. -- Christopher Moore
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Thou wretched pillar of syphilitic pheasant-fuck! -- Christopher Moore
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You know, he doesn't have to be the only one bopped in the noggin when noggin-boppin' time rolls around. -- Christopher Moore
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That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith. -- Christopher Moore
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Raziel! Go forth into the land and lay waste unto two good-size Wal-Marts, slay until blood doth flow from all bargains and all the buildings are but rubble - and pick up a few Snickers bars for yourself. -- Christopher Moore
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A man attacked me, choked me, bit my neck, burned my hand, then stuffed my shirt full of money and put a dumpster on me and now I can see heat and hear fog. I've won Satan's lottery. -- Christopher Moore
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[Abby to Tommy and Jody who are hugging]
So I'm like, "Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we don't have time for your bonery right now."
The Chronicles of Abby Normal -- Christopher Moore
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Splendid. I believe we've achieved a whole new level of doomed. -- Christopher Moore
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Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter. -- Christopher Moore
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She glanced over her shoulder to look at the forty-foot cabin cruiser where Captain Tarwater posed on the bow looking like an advertisement for a particularly rigid laundry detergent - Bumstick Go-Be-Bright, perhaps -- Christopher Moore
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They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions. -- Christopher Moore
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And so Charlie Asher ... led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso. -- Christopher Moore
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Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps. -- Christopher Moore
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It's like he has this power over me - like I have an eating disorder and he's a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies. -- Christopher Moore
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It is accepted science that God himself gave the French the gift of their cuisine, and while he was downstairs, cursed the English with theirs. -- Christopher Moore
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I like big butts, Renoir explained to Toulouse-Lautrec. -- Christopher Moore
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Beta Males make excellent spies. Not the "James Bond, Aston Martin with missiles, boning the beautiful Russian rocket scientist on an ermineskin bedspread" sort of spy - more the "bad comb-over, deep-cover bureaucrat fishing coffee-sodden documents out of a Dumpster" spy. -- Christopher Moore
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If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes. -- Christopher Moore
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...Heinous Fuckery, most foul! -- Christopher Moore
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Losers can only flourish until a dominant species appears -- Christopher Moore
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The night was crisp and the stars shone with a cold blue light like loneliness or infinity. -- Christopher Moore
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But to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu? -- Christopher Moore
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I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another. -- Christopher Moore
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I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on. -- Christopher Moore
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We will bring your guilt as well. You wouldn't have escaped it anyway. It is a parent's gift. -- Christopher Moore
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Go away. Your feet are misshapen and your eyebrows grow together in a threatening way. -- Christopher Moore
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Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, is that duck wearing trousers?
Mrs. Ling: Could be ... You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants. -- Christopher Moore
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Jody noticed that the kid was focused on the breasts, which were defying gravity, and apparently death itself, by standing there at complete attention -- Christopher Moore
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I think beta males on an evolutionary basis are much more successful than the alpha males are. You don't hear much about us, but there's a lot more of us out there. -- Christopher Moore
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If manta rays are going to be harmless, they should look more harmless, Pardee thought. Fuckers look like aquatic Draculas. -- Christopher Moore
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Like love, privacy is most manifest in its absence. -- Christopher Moore
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He has the attention span of a hummingbird. -- Christopher Moore
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It kept him from reaching that place that he hit so, so often in his life, the mind-bending, sob-inducing limit where he said to himself, I just cannot endure any more motherfucking death. No more! Order. Put everything in order. Serve order. That was the why and what of it. Order. -- Christopher Moore
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But there was no gangrene or amputations like the doctors threatened, and we got a B, so I don't see what all the noise and counseling was about. Anyway, -- Christopher Moore
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Unless you can change the past, you're wasting the present on this guilt -- Christopher Moore
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Blessed are the minimarshmallows," the angel said, swooning a little. -- Christopher Moore
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People, generally, suck. -- Christopher Moore
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I fink I gots deaf on me willie. -- Christopher Moore
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A little girl's voice said, "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!" Audrey held the phone out for Charlie. "It's for you. -- Christopher Moore
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Cofishes-other fish in a group, coworkers, cohorts, etc. Shut up, it's a word. -- Christopher Moore
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Come with us," I said, "and we will make you oarlock makers of men." "What?" said Joshua. "That's what they were doing when we came up. Making an oarlock. Now you see how stupid that sounds?" "It's not the same. -- Christopher Moore
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... turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you're a superhero. -- Christopher Moore
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CHORUS: And so, while the fool slept the sleep of the dead, the beautiful Jewess snipped off the tip of his willy. -- Christopher Moore
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Heartbreak is the natural habitat of the Beta Male. -- Christopher Moore
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I really don't think of my work in terms of a genre. I think of it in terms of what I want to say, what I think is cool, and what I'm good at. -- Christopher Moore
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The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The -- Christopher Moore
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It's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death. -- Christopher Moore
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Give us a call or you know, flash a searchlight in the sky with your logo on it, because we monitor everything. -- Christopher Moore
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Leathery bar girls worked the charter booths at the harbor, smoking Basic 100s and talking in voices that sounded like 151 rum poured into hot grease - a jigger of friendly to the liter of harsh. -- Christopher Moore
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One thing that's really delightful is my books tend to attract people who are funny, so I get the benefit of people writing me with things that crack me up. -- Christopher Moore
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Get in, get out, and nobody gets hurt, as Uncle Harlan always said, something he picked up in Vietnam. -- Christopher Moore
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The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis. -- Christopher Moore
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Last time I really got to know myself it turned out there was a whole gang of bitches in there to deal with. I felt like the receptionist at a rehab center. They all had nice tits though, I gotta say. -- Christopher Moore
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You tell soldiers what they need to hear to go to war. Bitches need a mission, not a goal. -- Christopher Moore
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You want me and I want you. right?"
Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right. -- Christopher Moore
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Nothing fucks up a religion like an intervention from a real God. -- Christopher Moore
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You see," I explained to Joshua, "what Joy is doing is ironic, yet that's not her intent. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm."
"No kidding?" said Josh.
"Why do I waste my time with you? -- Christopher Moore
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She was meaning and order and light, and now that she's gone, chaos falls like a dark leaden cloud. -- Christopher Moore
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[Acknowledgments] I recommend them all for further reading, but when you're finished, you may have to read several of my books and watch a lot of TV just to get stupid enough to function in the modern world again. -- Christopher Moore
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Perhaps I'll call it Luncheon on the Grass, then," said Manet. "Since I've clearly forgotten to paint the model wet enough. -- Christopher Moore
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Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write.
Why me? -- Christopher Moore
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Compliment but do not covet. -- Christopher Moore
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*Okay, you make eating hos sound pretty. talk poetry to me, writer boy.* -- Christopher Moore
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Confucius is like the Torah, rules to follow. And Lao-Tzu is even more conservative, saying that if you do nothing you won't break any rules. You have to let tradition fall sometime, you have to take action, you have to eat bacon. -- Christopher Moore
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A thousand years of torture rule, The knave who dares to harm a fool." I -- Christopher Moore
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When I teach seminars, I tell people, 'Your stuff has to look like something that's out there, because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.' -- Christopher Moore
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The key to retaining their respect was to find out what they wanted to do, then tell them to do it. -- Christopher Moore
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As much as I encourage communication with my readers, I don't want reviews from them, simply because I don't need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something. -- Christopher Moore
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Nobody likes a dead whore. -- Christopher Moore
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Green eggs, or not green eggs? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to eat them in a box, with a fox - -- Christopher Moore
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He'd replace the window, but the kid was sleeping in his room from now until she was thirty and married to a huge guy with ninja skills. -- Christopher Moore
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Joshua grinned: "I think we'll both do better than my cousin John and his 'hold them underwater until they agree with you' sermon. -- Christopher Moore
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Why understand when you can believe? -- Christopher Moore
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A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. -- Christopher Moore
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I wouldn't go to yoga with you because I'm not bendy, not because I'm not spiritual. -- Christopher Moore
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Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination. -- Christopher Moore
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It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism. -- Christopher Moore
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This Roberto. He no like the light. -- Christopher Moore
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Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit -- Christopher Moore
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It was sometimes difficult to reconcile a man's talents with his personality. -- Christopher Moore
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3. In order to hold off the Forces of Darkness, you will need a number two pencil and a calendar, preferably one without pictures of kitties on it. Keep it near you when you sleep. -- Christopher Moore
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Sarcasm will make your tits fall off. -- Christopher Moore
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Quoi?" she had said, in perfect fucking French. -- Christopher Moore
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That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm. -- Christopher Moore
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Snake eyes!" the croupier said. "Lizard dick!" Coyote shouted back.
This sent me to convulsions. -- Christopher Moore
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You do not cause death, you do not prevent death, you are a servant of Destiny, not its agent. Get over yourself. -- Christopher Moore
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We looked not at each other, and neither at the ground, but at a place in space a few feet from our faces, where I suppose one looks for a clear answer to appear out of undefined shock. -- Christopher Moore
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A little mucus is nothing against the power of the Lord. -- Christopher Moore
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Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness. -- Christopher Moore
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Isolate 'em. That's why all your loony-toon cult guys have to get their people out in the boonies somewhere where no one can talk any sense into 'em. Just -- Christopher Moore
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Anger is the spirits telling you that you are alive. -- Christopher Moore
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It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I? -- Christopher Moore
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The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door. -- Christopher Moore
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We can build cities for the Romans." "Actually, I was thinking about saving mankind." "Forget that nonsense, Josh. Rocks, I tell you. -- Christopher Moore
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I didn't do anything. I didn't move a thing, I didn't touch a thing, I didn't change a thing. Believers do everything. -- Christopher Moore
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I am not the blues, I am jazz. I want to be present in the moment, not wallow in it. -- Christopher Moore
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Holy ripened fuckcheese! -- Christopher Moore
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Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics. -- Christopher Moore
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Hope is merely another face of desire. And desire is a motherfucker. -- Christopher Moore
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Alpha Males may lead the armies of the world, but it's the Betas who actually get the shit blowed up. -- Christopher Moore
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War is the lifeblood of this merchant republic. -- Christopher Moore
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It's about average for us. Behavior always draws more than survey. We're the sexy ones,' Nate said with a grin.
Amy snorted. 'Oh, yeah, you guys are the Mae Wests of the nerd world.'
We're action nerds,' Nate said. 'Adventure nerds. Nerds of romance. -- Christopher Moore
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He was a LEPER, you idiot! Not a leopard. -- Christopher Moore
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She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir? -- Christopher Moore
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My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -Tommy
Ding, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer. -- Christopher Moore
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Does a broken heart know from a different location? -- Christopher Moore
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One suit for the White Devil!" in Mandarin, -- Christopher Moore
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Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, how the pillars of lust can crumble under the weight of stupidity. -- Christopher Moore
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The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring
much like a doctor's waiting room. -- Christopher Moore
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She set the course of his life with just a smile. -- Christopher Moore
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Action based on hope just felt better than the paralysis of certainty. -- Christopher Moore
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Drowned, dead, duplicitous slut! -- Christopher Moore
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So, I guess we're going to kill this guy, she thought. Then she said, "How does Thursday look for you? -- Christopher Moore
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And thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis. -- Christopher Moore
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What's a Mennonite?" Vance asked. "Amish with blenders. -- Christopher Moore
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An artist can't let madness stop him from making art, he simply has to channel it. -- Christopher Moore
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Beta Male gene has survived not by meeting and overcoming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it. -- Christopher Moore
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Die, thou badger-shagging spunk monkey," said I. -- Christopher Moore
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Disorder in here harshing my mellow. -- Christopher Moore
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Earth was totally unprepared for an enemy made of meat. -- Christopher Moore
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I'm not afraid of getting into a subject I don't know much about. -- Christopher Moore
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Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet. -- Christopher Moore
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You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?
Charlie: No, no, I'm okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it's unsettling. -- Christopher Moore
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The only way to control the faithful is to not become one of them -- Christopher Moore
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Sometimes this high-tech world calls for low-tech solutions. -- Christopher Moore
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Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics? -- Christopher Moore
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Sometimes, methinks, a lass just needs to have a proper enraged scream. -- Christopher Moore
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Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor. -- Christopher Moore
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Who goes out without a phone? This guy was a complete loser. -- Christopher Moore
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Oh, and a huge Federal Building that looked like it was being molested by a giant steel pterodactyl, but evidently that was just the government trying to get away from their standard bomb shelter architecture to something more aesthetically appealing, especially if you liked Godzilla porn. -- Christopher Moore
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Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong. -- Christopher Moore
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Which goes to show you, right there, the difference between sailors and marines: marines are fucking stupid. Running when you don't have to. -- Christopher Moore
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The noise was like, well, it was like a thousand vampire cats clawing on Plexiglas - it made their teeth hurt. -- Christopher Moore
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You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's syndrome. -- Christopher Moore
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If you do your job and assume that everyone else is incompetent, you will seldom be disappointed. -- Christopher Moore
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But Charlie could imagine, because he was a Beta Male, and imagination was his curse ... -- Christopher Moore
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Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves. -- Christopher Moore
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Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How -- Christopher Moore
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