Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Dane Cook, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Dane Cook quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 204 Dane Cook quotes for you to read and share.

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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?' -- Dane Cook
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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. -- Dane Cook
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Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly? -- Dane Cook
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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince. -- Dane Cook
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Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on. -- Dane Cook
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I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car. -- Dane Cook
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What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone. -- Dane Cook
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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game. -- Dane Cook
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry? -- Dane Cook
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school. -- Dane Cook
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Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch. -- Dane Cook
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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing. -- Dane Cook
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Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity. -- Dane Cook
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A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80! -- Dane Cook
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My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another. -- Dane Cook
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No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst ... when you think you're drowning. -- Dane Cook
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you. -- Dane Cook
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle. -- Dane Cook
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My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare. -- Dane Cook
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It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes. -- Dane Cook
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You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage. -- Dane Cook
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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT. -- Dane Cook
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Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself. -- Dane Cook
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True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile! -- Dane Cook
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They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up ... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus. -- Dane Cook
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I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. -- Dane Cook
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I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere. -- Dane Cook
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win. -- Dane Cook
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Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions. -- Dane Cook
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Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH ... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'. -- Dane Cook
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I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head. -- Dane Cook
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Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect." -- Dane Cook
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I'm going to hell, ah ... but you're laughing, so you're coming. -- Dane Cook
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When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain -- Dane Cook
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The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit. -- Dane Cook
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I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning. -- Dane Cook
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I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story. -- Dane Cook
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I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities. -- Dane Cook
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I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow. -- Dane Cook
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Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit! -- Dane Cook
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When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter. -- Dane Cook
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now. -- Dane Cook
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I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad. -- Dane Cook
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Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination. -- Dane Cook
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I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny. -- Dane Cook
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I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny. -- Dane Cook
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I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence. -- Dane Cook
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I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby. -- Dane Cook
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I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias. -- Dane Cook
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I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. -- Dane Cook
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I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights. -- Dane Cook
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When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not -- Dane Cook
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle. -- Dane Cook
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It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar. -- Dane Cook
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When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you." -- Dane Cook
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I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers. -- Dane Cook
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Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car ... Nailed! -- Dane Cook
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them. -- Dane Cook
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Are there glass shards in my anus? -- Dane Cook
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Time machine ... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back ... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha! -- Dane Cook
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Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs. -- Dane Cook
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Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic. -- Dane Cook
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Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron. -- Dane Cook
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Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got. -- Dane Cook
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Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. -- Dane Cook
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling. -- Dane Cook
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I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh. -- Dane Cook
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If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable. -- Dane Cook
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I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school -- Dane Cook
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Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey. -- Dane Cook
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When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator. -- Dane Cook
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It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs. -- Dane Cook
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I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show. -- Dane Cook
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I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat ... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead. -- Dane Cook
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I'm a late-night guy. -- Dane Cook
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I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things? -- Dane Cook
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There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person. -- Dane Cook
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Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel. -- Dane Cook
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I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi. -- Dane Cook
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I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do. -- Dane Cook
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I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that. -- Dane Cook
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If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it. -- Dane Cook
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I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations. -- Dane Cook
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My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor. -- Dane Cook
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What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens. -- Dane Cook
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I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra. -- Dane Cook
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I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space. -- Dane Cook
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It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist. -- Dane Cook
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I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such. -- Dane Cook
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If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma. -- Dane Cook
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. -- Dane Cook
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I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance. -- Dane Cook
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My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically. -- Dane Cook
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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face. -- Dane Cook
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I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering. -- Dane Cook
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Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny. -- Dane Cook
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I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth. -- Dane Cook
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I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today. -- Dane Cook
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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. -- Dane Cook
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You can't teach an old hater new truths. -- Dane Cook
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You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon. -- Dane Cook
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It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance. -- Dane Cook
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Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there. -- Dane Cook
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That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it. -- Dane Cook
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram. -- Dane Cook
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It really drives me banana sangwich. -- Dane Cook
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There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist. -- Dane Cook
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When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that. -- Dane Cook
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Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room? -- Dane Cook
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it. -- Dane Cook
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I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing. -- Dane Cook
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Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. -- Dane Cook
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day. -- Dane Cook
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If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny. -- Dane Cook
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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?' -- Dane Cook
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When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. -- Dane Cook
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When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true. -- Dane Cook
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My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord. -- Dane Cook
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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies. -- Dane Cook
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The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related. -- Dane Cook
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Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you. -- Dane Cook
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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets. -- Dane Cook
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As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary. -- Dane Cook
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny. -- Dane Cook
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When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. -- Dane Cook
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I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out. -- Dane Cook
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Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. -- Dane Cook
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Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ. -- Dane Cook
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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy. -- Dane Cook
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When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop. -- Dane Cook
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You've gotta share what's going on in your mind. -- Dane Cook
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Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips. -- Dane Cook
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If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is. -- Dane Cook
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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion. -- Dane Cook
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls. -- Dane Cook
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I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers. -- Dane Cook
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Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it. -- Dane Cook
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I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching. -- Dane Cook
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping. -- Dane Cook
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I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids. -- Dane Cook
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Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day. -- Dane Cook
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Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire. -- Dane Cook
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On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes. -- Dane Cook
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I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush. -- Dane Cook
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You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky. -- Dane Cook
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more. -- Dane Cook
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If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win. -- Dane Cook
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My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf. -- Dane Cook
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My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.' -- Dane Cook
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When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion. -- Dane Cook
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When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man. -- Dane Cook
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There's estrogen running through my veins! -- Dane Cook
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I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting. -- Dane Cook
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How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions. -- Dane Cook
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You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act. -- Dane Cook
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I would love to have acidy spit. -- Dane Cook
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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job. -- Dane Cook
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I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared. -- Dane Cook
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You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker. -- Dane Cook
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When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me. -- Dane Cook
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When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top. -- Dane Cook
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I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them. -- Dane Cook
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The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off. -- Dane Cook
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Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person. -- Dane Cook
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I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers. -- Dane Cook
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A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands. -- Dane Cook
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You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with. -- Dane Cook
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I live my life like there's no yesterday. -- Dane Cook
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself. -- Dane Cook
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There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair. -- Dane Cook
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I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody. -- Dane Cook
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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! -- Dane Cook
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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot. -- Dane Cook
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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh. -- Dane Cook
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up. -- Dane Cook
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If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you. -- Dane Cook
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology. -- Dane Cook
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. -- Dane Cook
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru? -- Dane Cook
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I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges. -- Dane Cook
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Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones. -- Dane Cook
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I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant. -- Dane Cook
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change. -- Dane Cook
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I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive -- Dane Cook
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I won't take no for a question. -- Dane Cook
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I get so into the moment. -- Dane Cook
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh. -- Dane Cook
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president. -- Dane Cook
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In the year 3000, everything will be instant. -- Dane Cook
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I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat. -- Dane Cook
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I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more. -- Dane Cook
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I was not abandoned as a child. I left. -- Dane Cook
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I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup. -- Dane Cook
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I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things. -- Dane Cook
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian. -- Dane Cook
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I'm really great in other peoples relationships. -- Dane Cook
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We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. -- Dane Cook
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You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit. -- Dane Cook
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Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot! -- Dane Cook
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I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. -- Dane Cook
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In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. -- Dane Cook
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I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous. -- Dane Cook
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There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes. -- Dane Cook
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote. -- Dane Cook