Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Daniel Tosh, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Daniel Tosh quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 178 Daniel Tosh quotes for you to read and share.
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. -- Daniel Tosh
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' -- Daniel Tosh
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. -- Daniel Tosh
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves. -- Daniel Tosh
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date. -- Daniel Tosh
This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. -- Daniel Tosh
Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck -- Daniel Tosh
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid. -- Daniel Tosh
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. -- Daniel Tosh
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts. -- Daniel Tosh
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this. -- Daniel Tosh
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. -- Daniel Tosh
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast. -- Daniel Tosh
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. -- Daniel Tosh
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. -- Daniel Tosh
It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross. -- Daniel Tosh
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities. -- Daniel Tosh
They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. -- Daniel Tosh
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can. -- Daniel Tosh
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. -- Daniel Tosh
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka. -- Daniel Tosh
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. -- Daniel Tosh
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected. -- Daniel Tosh
The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial. -- Daniel Tosh
Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. -- Daniel Tosh
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out. -- Daniel Tosh
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. -- Daniel Tosh
Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. -- Daniel Tosh
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. -- Daniel Tosh
The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult? -- Daniel Tosh
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?" -- Daniel Tosh
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones. -- Daniel Tosh
I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience. -- Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. -- Daniel Tosh
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. -- Daniel Tosh
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. -- Daniel Tosh
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid? -- Daniel Tosh
Kangoroos can't hop backwards. -- Daniel Tosh
E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. -- Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. -- Daniel Tosh
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. -- Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? -- Daniel Tosh
Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. -- Daniel Tosh
Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. -- Daniel Tosh
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! -- Daniel Tosh
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? -- Daniel Tosh
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. -- Daniel Tosh
Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis. -- Daniel Tosh
I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze? -- Daniel Tosh
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.' -- Daniel Tosh
Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. -- Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system. -- Daniel Tosh
When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart. -- Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past. -- Daniel Tosh
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. -- Daniel Tosh
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. -- Daniel Tosh
Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure. -- Daniel Tosh
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant -- Daniel Tosh
The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. -- Daniel Tosh
Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. -- Daniel Tosh
I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly. -- Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. -- Daniel Tosh
How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other. -- Daniel Tosh
I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. -- Daniel Tosh
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. -- Daniel Tosh
Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. -- Daniel Tosh
I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm not honest, but you're interesting! -- Daniel Tosh
Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah. -- Daniel Tosh
If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die ... not sorry. -- Daniel Tosh
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you? -- Daniel Tosh
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. -- Daniel Tosh
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. -- Daniel Tosh
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'. -- Daniel Tosh
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances. -- Daniel Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. -- Daniel Tosh
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides. -- Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. -- Daniel Tosh
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. -- Daniel Tosh
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. -- Daniel Tosh
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!' -- Daniel Tosh
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. -- Daniel Tosh
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. -- Daniel Tosh
It's not a stereotype if it's always true. -- Daniel Tosh
High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. -- Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live
your dream. -- Daniel Tosh
Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. -- Daniel Tosh
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. -- Daniel Tosh
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules. -- Daniel Tosh
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English. -- Daniel Tosh
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war. -- Daniel Tosh
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse. -- Daniel Tosh
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. -- Daniel Tosh
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. -- Daniel Tosh
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. -- Daniel Tosh
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag. -- Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing. -- Daniel Tosh
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again. -- Daniel Tosh
Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys. -- Daniel Tosh
I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic. -- Daniel Tosh
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities. -- Daniel Tosh
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. -- Daniel Tosh
I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! -- Daniel Tosh
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist. -- Daniel Tosh
The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. -- Daniel Tosh
I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave. -- Daniel Tosh
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. -- Daniel Tosh
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? -- Daniel Tosh
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it. -- Daniel Tosh
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it. -- Daniel Tosh
There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson. -- Daniel Tosh
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. -- Daniel Tosh
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young. -- Daniel Tosh
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.' -- Daniel Tosh
Scattergories is second base for Christians. -- Daniel Tosh
Describe your perfect man who looks like me ... -- Daniel Tosh
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit. -- Daniel Tosh
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me. -- Daniel Tosh
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. -- Daniel Tosh
The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog. -- Daniel Tosh
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. -- Daniel Tosh
Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? -- Daniel Tosh
You are a sick freak who should be beaten. -- Daniel Tosh
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! -- Daniel Tosh
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. -- Daniel Tosh
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. -- Daniel Tosh
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. -- Daniel Tosh
By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. -- Daniel Tosh
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. -- Daniel Tosh
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.' -- Daniel Tosh
A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. -- Daniel Tosh
I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work. -- Daniel Tosh
If Canada were really that great, it would be a state. -- Daniel Tosh
Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one. -- Daniel Tosh
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. -- Daniel Tosh
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. -- Daniel Tosh
I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee. -- Daniel Tosh
Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ... -- Daniel Tosh
I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. -- Daniel Tosh
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. -- Daniel Tosh
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. -- Daniel Tosh
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all -- Daniel Tosh
The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. -- Daniel Tosh
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ... -- Daniel Tosh
I can say that. I have a television show. -- Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. -- Daniel Tosh
No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers. -- Daniel Tosh
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? -- Daniel Tosh
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus. -- Daniel Tosh
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one. -- Daniel Tosh
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. -- Daniel Tosh
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul. -- Daniel Tosh
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'. -- Daniel Tosh
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. -- Daniel Tosh
You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head? -- Daniel Tosh
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. -- Daniel Tosh
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. -- Daniel Tosh
How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes? -- Daniel Tosh
I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. -- Daniel Tosh
If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane. -- Daniel Tosh
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back. -- Daniel Tosh
I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. -- Daniel Tosh
Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman. -- Daniel Tosh