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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but ... " I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican." -- Demetri Martin
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets. -- Demetri Martin
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. -- Demetri Martin
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room. -- Demetri Martin
Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better. -- Demetri Martin
The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers ... -- Demetri Martin
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. -- Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. -- Demetri Martin
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable. -- Demetri Martin
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing. -- Demetri Martin
How To Read This Book
If you're reading this sentence then you've pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are. -- Demetri Martin
There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T. -- Demetri Martin
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself. -- Demetri Martin
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time. -- Demetri Martin
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. -- Demetri Martin
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned. -- Demetri Martin
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party. -- Demetri Martin
I can move objects with my mind ... if I use my hands! -- Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'. -- Demetri Martin
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. -- Demetri Martin
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.' -- Demetri Martin
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ... but enjoying the music". -- Demetri Martin
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess. -- Demetri Martin
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole. -- Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information. -- Demetri Martin
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. -- Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. -- Demetri Martin
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. -- Demetri Martin
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.' -- Demetri Martin
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. -- Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful. -- Demetri Martin
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. -- Demetri Martin
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". -- Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric. -- Demetri Martin
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' -- Demetri Martin
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.' -- Demetri Martin
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things. -- Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. -- Demetri Martin
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' -- Demetri Martin
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions ... and comparisons. -- Demetri Martin
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house. -- Demetri Martin
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. -- Demetri Martin
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it. -- Demetri Martin
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear. -- Demetri Martin
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation. -- Demetri Martin
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket. -- Demetri Martin
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. -- Demetri Martin
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say ... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of ... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like ... after "I love you" ... or "You're going to live" ... or "It's a boy! -- Demetri Martin
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. -- Demetri Martin
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. -- Demetri Martin
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes. -- Demetri Martin
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties. -- Demetri Martin
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. -- Demetri Martin
Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore. -- Demetri Martin
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. -- Demetri Martin
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling. -- Demetri Martin
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music ... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem. -- Demetri Martin
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. -- Demetri Martin
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. -- Demetri Martin
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. -- Demetri Martin
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. -- Demetri Martin
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. -- Demetri Martin
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation. -- Demetri Martin
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. -- Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. -- Demetri Martin
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half. -- Demetri Martin
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. -- Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. -- Demetri Martin
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top. -- Demetri Martin
They should call fishing what it really is ... tricking and killing! -- Demetri Martin
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean? -- Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. -- Demetri Martin
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.' -- Demetri Martin
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' -- Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. -- Demetri Martin
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. -- Demetri Martin
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! -- Demetri Martin
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. -- Demetri Martin
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad. -- Demetri Martin
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads. -- Demetri Martin
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. -- Demetri Martin
The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line. -- Demetri Martin
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. -- Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. -- Demetri Martin
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. -- Demetri Martin
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.' -- Demetri Martin
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors. -- Demetri Martin
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time. -- Demetri Martin
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed. -- Demetri Martin
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single. -- Demetri Martin
I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation. -- Demetri Martin
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. -- Demetri Martin
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. -- Demetri Martin
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. -- Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun. -- Demetri Martin
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long. -- Demetri Martin
I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange. -- Demetri Martin
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! -- Demetri Martin
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. -- Demetri Martin
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. -- Demetri Martin
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone. -- Demetri Martin
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. -- Demetri Martin
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. -- Demetri Martin
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. -- Demetri Martin
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. -- Demetri Martin
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. -- Demetri Martin
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. -- Demetri Martin
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. -- Demetri Martin
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny ... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things. -- Demetri Martin
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.' -- Demetri Martin
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait. -- Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. -- Demetri Martin
When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?' -- Demetri Martin
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. -- Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). -- Demetri Martin
Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.' -- Demetri Martin
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious. -- Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. -- Demetri Martin
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. -- Demetri Martin
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill" -- Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore. -- Demetri Martin
Words have power,
you dumb piece of shit. -- Demetri Martin
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. -- Demetri Martin
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. -- Demetri Martin
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band. -- Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me. -- Demetri Martin
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital. -- Demetri Martin
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher. -- Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. -- Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. -- Demetri Martin
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint. -- Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them. -- Demetri Martin
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues" -- Demetri Martin
The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid. -- Demetri Martin
The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet. -- Demetri Martin
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. -- Demetri Martin
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. -- Demetri Martin
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend. -- Demetri Martin
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. -- Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic. -- Demetri Martin
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent." -- Demetri Martin
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone. -- Demetri Martin
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles. -- Demetri Martin
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face. -- Demetri Martin
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings. -- Demetri Martin
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something. -- Demetri Martin
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that? -- Demetri Martin
A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot. -- Demetri Martin
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. -- Demetri Martin
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. -- Demetri Martin
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden. -- Demetri Martin
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave. -- Demetri Martin
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying. -- Demetri Martin
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. -- Demetri Martin
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind. -- Demetri Martin
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. -- Demetri Martin
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. -- Demetri Martin
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. -- Demetri Martin
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25. -- Demetri Martin
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever. -- Demetri Martin
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic. -- Demetri Martin
Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks. -- Demetri Martin
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works". -- Demetri Martin
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. -- Demetri Martin
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway? -- Demetri Martin
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows. -- Demetri Martin
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep. -- Demetri Martin
For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman. -- Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. -- Demetri Martin
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV. -- Demetri Martin
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. -- Demetri Martin
I think they named the orange before the carrot. -- Demetri Martin
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer ... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer. -- Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.' -- Demetri Martin
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm ... I actually ... never mind" -- Demetri Martin
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. -- Demetri Martin
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too. -- Demetri Martin
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything. -- Demetri Martin
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away. -- Demetri Martin
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole." -- Demetri Martin
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' -- Demetri Martin
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. -- Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio. -- Demetri Martin
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive. -- Demetri Martin
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. -- Demetri Martin
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. -- Demetri Martin
I wanna put stickers on turtles ... I don't know why. -- Demetri Martin
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please. -- Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. -- Demetri Martin
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer. -- Demetri Martin
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. -- Demetri Martin
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? -- Demetri Martin
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way. -- Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. -- Demetri Martin
When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball." -- Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. -- Demetri Martin
When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed. -- Demetri Martin
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put " ... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays. -- Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. -- Demetri Martin
I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying." -- Demetri Martin
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles. -- Demetri Martin
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' -- Demetri Martin
Most stick people are black. -- Demetri Martin
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. -- Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear? -- Demetri Martin
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. -- Demetri Martin
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. -- Demetri Martin
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over ... -- Demetri Martin
I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World. -- Demetri Martin
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies. -- Demetri Martin
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up. -- Demetri Martin
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. -- Demetri Martin
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know. -- Demetri Martin
You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with. -- Demetri Martin
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.' -- Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see. -- Demetri Martin
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries. -- Demetri Martin
Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. -- Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. -- Demetri Martin
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. -- Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that. -- Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. -- Demetri Martin
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. -- Demetri Martin
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals. -- Demetri Martin
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho. -- Demetri Martin
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are. -- Demetri Martin
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. -- Demetri Martin
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. -- Demetri Martin
My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them. -- Demetri Martin
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. -- Demetri Martin
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled". -- Demetri Martin
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine. -- Demetri Martin
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused. -- Demetri Martin
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about. -- Demetri Martin
The sofa is the enemy of productivity. -- Demetri Martin
No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. -- Demetri Martin
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them. -- Demetri Martin
I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately. -- Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons. -- Demetri Martin
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. -- Demetri Martin
A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. -- Demetri Martin
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything. -- Demetri Martin
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you -- Demetri Martin
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. -- Demetri Martin
People only have so much attention. -- Demetri Martin
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. -- Demetri Martin
THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It's clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both. -- Demetri Martin
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!" -- Demetri Martin
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here. -- Demetri Martin
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball. -- Demetri Martin
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. -- Demetri Martin
I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there. -- Demetri Martin
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location. -- Demetri Martin
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all. -- Demetri Martin
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached. -- Demetri Martin
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them. -- Demetri Martin
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either -- Demetri Martin
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. -- Demetri Martin
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples! -- Demetri Martin
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk ... becomes a double hawk. -- Demetri Martin
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists. -- Demetri Martin
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. -- Demetri Martin
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention. -- Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway. -- Demetri Martin
I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague. -- Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. -- Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray. -- Demetri Martin
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal. -- Demetri Martin
Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname. -- Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' -- Demetri Martin
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target. -- Demetri Martin
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. -- Demetri Martin
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples. -- Demetri Martin
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. -- Demetri Martin
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.' -- Demetri Martin
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. -- Demetri Martin
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' -- Demetri Martin
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake. -- Demetri Martin
It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep. -- Demetri Martin
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it ... so I just added "ish" to every number. -- Demetri Martin
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about ... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room. -- Demetri Martin
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. -- Demetri Martin
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! -- Demetri Martin
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts. -- Demetri Martin
At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience. -- Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. -- Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show. -- Demetri Martin
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. -- Demetri Martin
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them ... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself. -- Demetri Martin
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location. -- Demetri Martin
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago. -- Demetri Martin
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed. -- Demetri Martin
A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it. -- Demetri Martin
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games. -- Demetri Martin
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. -- Demetri Martin
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster. -- Demetri Martin
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate? -- Demetri Martin
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful. -- Demetri Martin
You mock those who blindly follow the majority ... turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule. -- Demetri Martin
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while. -- Demetri Martin
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. -- Demetri Martin
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face. -- Demetri Martin
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door. -- Demetri Martin
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. -- Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades ... or a game of fake heart attack. -- Demetri Martin
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together. -- Demetri Martin
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. -- Demetri Martin
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair. -- Demetri Martin
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. -- Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. -- Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins. -- Demetri Martin
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. -- Demetri Martin
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day. -- Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'. -- Demetri Martin
I think bears and worms aren't very similar ... until you think of gummy. -- Demetri Martin
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles. -- Demetri Martin
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. -- Demetri Martin
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it. -- Demetri Martin
It is impossible for a cyclops to wink. -- Demetri Martin
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. -- Demetri Martin
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. -- Demetri Martin
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you. -- Demetri Martin
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress. -- Demetri Martin
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?.. -- Demetri Martin
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away. -- Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' -- Demetri Martin
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard. -- Demetri Martin
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. -- Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy. -- Demetri Martin
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right. -- Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like pinatas, because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals: 'Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick his ass!' -- Demetri Martin
I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation. -- Demetri Martin
This is a pie chart about procrastination. -- Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. -- Demetri Martin
Vampires probably don't have great breath. -- Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. -- Demetri Martin
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many. -- Demetri Martin
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them. -- Demetri Martin
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' -- Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front. -- Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here." -- Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop. -- Demetri Martin
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag. -- Demetri Martin
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. -- Demetri Martin
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur. -- Demetri Martin
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy. -- Demetri Martin
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer. -- Demetri Martin
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. -- Demetri Martin
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. -- Demetri Martin
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name ...
..DJ Abraham Lincoln -- Demetri Martin
A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets. -- Demetri Martin
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes. -- Demetri Martin
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. -- Demetri Martin
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. -- Demetri Martin
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries ... They Die. -- Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin. -- Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family. -- Demetri Martin
Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets. -- Demetri Martin
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval? -- Demetri Martin
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours. -- Demetri Martin
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie. -- Demetri Martin
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast? -- Demetri Martin
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing. -- Demetri Martin
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. -- Demetri Martin
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain. -- Demetri Martin
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. -- Demetri Martin
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. -- Demetri Martin
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. -- Demetri Martin
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. -- Demetri Martin
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead. -- Demetri Martin
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. -- Demetri Martin
Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me? -- Demetri Martin
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. -- Demetri Martin
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed. -- Demetri Martin
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' -- Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen. -- Demetri Martin
Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes. -- Demetri Martin
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. -- Demetri Martin
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. -- Demetri Martin
Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints. -- Demetri Martin
The other night I was playing twister with some amputees. -- Demetri Martin
Clowns have no respect for pie. -- Demetri Martin
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it. -- Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word ... and that word is unreliable. -- Demetri Martin
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys. -- Demetri Martin
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. -- Demetri Martin
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. -- Demetri Martin
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak. -- Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation? -- Demetri Martin
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs. -- Demetri Martin
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home. -- Demetri Martin
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing. -- Demetri Martin
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' -- Demetri Martin
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. -- Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. -- Demetri Martin
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. -- Demetri Martin
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. -- Demetri Martin
Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen. -- Demetri Martin
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks. -- Demetri Martin
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it? -- Demetri Martin
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. -- Demetri Martin
The earth without art is just eh. -- Demetri Martin
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. -- Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. -- Demetri Martin
I need to develop some patience - immediately. -- Demetri Martin
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton. -- Demetri Martin
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ... -- Demetri Martin
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued. -- Demetri Martin
To me, comedy is a game. -- Demetri Martin
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. -- Demetri Martin
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall. -- Demetri Martin
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man. -- Demetri Martin
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. -- Demetri Martin
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started. -- Demetri Martin
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize. -- Demetri Martin
Let no man's deathbed be a futon. -- Demetri Martin
I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed -- Demetri Martin
I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process. -- Demetri Martin
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room ... can even bring things to a climax. -- Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. -- Demetri Martin
I like people, for a little while. -- Demetri Martin
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. -- Demetri Martin
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K. -- Demetri Martin
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. -- Demetri Martin
Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else. -- Demetri Martin
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. -- Demetri Martin
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person. -- Demetri Martin
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill. -- Demetri Martin
I love Steven Wright. -- Demetri Martin
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas. -- Demetri Martin
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered. -- Demetri Martin
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. -- Demetri Martin
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot! -- Demetri Martin
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious. -- Demetri Martin
I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that. -- Demetri Martin
Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies. -- Demetri Martin
Love is, and I hope it never isn't. -- Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. -- Demetri Martin
Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting. -- Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you. -- Demetri Martin
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion. -- Demetri Martin
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is. -- Demetri Martin
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am. -- Demetri Martin
I just found out that I have more allies than America! -- Demetri Martin
Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal. -- Demetri Martin
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time. -- Demetri Martin
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first. -- Demetri Martin
I've never read an article of clothing. -- Demetri Martin
