Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Eddie Izzard, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Eddie Izzard quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 143 Eddie Izzard quotes for you to read and share.
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit. -- Eddie Izzard
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up. -- Eddie Izzard
We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers. -- Eddie Izzard
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing. -- Eddie Izzard
If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America. -- Eddie Izzard
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" -- Eddie Izzard
I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us. -- Eddie Izzard
I don't believe that competitions are important. -- Eddie Izzard
You piss me off you Salmon ... You're too expensive in restaurants. -- Eddie Izzard
Never put a sock in a toaster. -- Eddie Izzard
The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps. -- Eddie Izzard
If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight's quest to create ground for yourself, to stand there and say, 'I exist. I have no reason to feel guilt or shame. I am proud to exist, and while I'm not perfect, I deserve to exist in society just like anyone else. -- Eddie Izzard
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette. -- Eddie Izzard
I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work. -- Eddie Izzard
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here ... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here. -- Eddie Izzard
"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird." -- Eddie Izzard
That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it? -- Eddie Izzard
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive. -- Eddie Izzard
If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay. -- Eddie Izzard
I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then." -- Eddie Izzard
So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard. -- Eddie Izzard
Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.' -- Eddie Izzard
Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it's very, "More, give me more of that stuff," because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it's basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that's what being a comedian is about. -- Eddie Izzard
I'm a dyslexic person, so I avoid books. -- Eddie Izzard
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. -- Eddie Izzard
I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible. -- Eddie Izzard
Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish. -- Eddie Izzard
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight ... one, from ... here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee. -- Eddie Izzard
But puberty was ... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know? -- Eddie Izzard
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?" -- Eddie Izzard
I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do. -- Eddie Izzard
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing. -- Eddie Izzard
There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity. -- Eddie Izzard
I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K. -- Eddie Izzard
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling. -- Eddie Izzard
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. -- Eddie Izzard
Spiders frighten me. In response to the spider alerts for Australia, please can the Australian government remove all spiders from Australia and blow them into outer space. -- Eddie Izzard
In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity. -- Eddie Izzard
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose. -- Eddie Izzard
Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite ... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance? -- Eddie Izzard
Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there's arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War. -- Eddie Izzard
Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU! -- Eddie Izzard
I mean, sometimes ... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing. -- Eddie Izzard
I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong ... with a spoon in them. -- Eddie Izzard
I'm a one-man idiot. -- Eddie Izzard
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance. -- Eddie Izzard
If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label. -- Eddie Izzard
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan. -- Eddie Izzard
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do. -- Eddie Izzard
I remember when I was being told about Watergate, and I thought, "Oh, America is not what I think America is." But America is what I think it is. It's just that it's two bits of it, and I don't go with the Republican bit of it. I go more with the Democratic bit. -- Eddie Izzard
They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes. I bought them. -- Eddie Izzard
You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT. -- Eddie Izzard
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. -- Eddie Izzard
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. -- Eddie Izzard
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. -- Eddie Izzard
I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position. -- Eddie Izzard
I wanted to be less well-known in comedy. -- Eddie Izzard
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine. -- Eddie Izzard
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" -- Eddie Izzard
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death. -- Eddie Izzard
I am encyclopaedic on World War II. My dad took me to D-Day beaches when I was a kid. I was there four years ago - every five years they have a remembrance on D-Day beaches and I would have liked to have been there and done my bit. -- Eddie Izzard
I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear. -- Eddie Izzard
I don't believe in God. So I'm a non-believer in the non-visible. I'm a believer in us; in humans. -- Eddie Izzard
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? -- Eddie Izzard
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'. -- Eddie Izzard
I've done a bit of Latin in my time ... but I can control it. -- Eddie Izzard
For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is quite a tricky thing to do. I'm not doing drag because drag is seen in a certain way and my comedy has got zero to do with what I'm wearing. I could wear an elephant suit and say the same thing. -- Eddie Izzard
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about? -- Eddie Izzard
People still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it's just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same. -- Eddie Izzard
If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama. -- Eddie Izzard
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way. -- Eddie Izzard
Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? -- Eddie Izzard
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats. -- Eddie Izzard
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. -- Eddie Izzard
You're gay, you sell books ... you probably shag the books. -- Eddie Izzard
Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words. -- Eddie Izzard
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! -- Eddie Izzard
The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you. -- Eddie Izzard
I am two lesbians in a man's body. -- Eddie Izzard
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. -- Eddie Izzard
All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can. -- Eddie Izzard
Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin ... I poked a badger with a spoon. -- Eddie Izzard
I'd like to have sex with myself. -- Eddie Izzard
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't! -- Eddie Izzard
If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world. -- Eddie Izzard
I'm covered in bees! -- Eddie Izzard
I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings. -- Eddie Izzard
But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana. -- Eddie Izzard
This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You. -- Eddie Izzard
You can't land on the moon and say, Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam! -- Eddie Izzard
I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable. -- Eddie Izzard
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class? -- Eddie Izzard
Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed! -- Eddie Izzard
So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great ... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, 'Yeah, I suppose so. -- Eddie Izzard
You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones. -- Eddie Izzard
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there! -- Eddie Izzard
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. -- Eddie Izzard
Cake and tea or death? -- Eddie Izzard
Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke. -- Eddie Izzard
I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress. -- Eddie Izzard
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God? -- Eddie Izzard
Most people are widely read. I'm thinly read. I've read *** all, and I'm very proud of it. -- Eddie Izzard
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. -- Eddie Izzard
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive. -- Eddie Izzard
I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character. -- Eddie Izzard
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back. -- Eddie Izzard
Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read. -- Eddie Izzard
I've wiped the file? ... I've wiped all the files? ... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! -- Eddie Izzard
When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people -- Eddie Izzard
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid. -- Eddie Izzard
Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. -- Eddie Izzard
I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it's really quite tight. -- Eddie Izzard
If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off? -- Eddie Izzard
What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?! -- Eddie Izzard
Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too. -- Eddie Izzard
And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!"
"That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that ... -- Eddie Izzard
Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it. -- Eddie Izzard
I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can. -- Eddie Izzard
America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome. -- Eddie Izzard
I want to live till I die. No more, no less. -- Eddie Izzard
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. -- Eddie Izzard
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete! -- Eddie Izzard
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal. -- Eddie Izzard
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better. -- Eddie Izzard
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' -- Eddie Izzard
I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever. -- Eddie Izzard
If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion. -- Eddie Izzard
In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way. -- Eddie Izzard
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others. -- Eddie Izzard
I'm an Action Transvestite -- Eddie Izzard
It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt ... you weird talking person. -- Eddie Izzard
Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized. -- Eddie Izzard
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry. -- Eddie Izzard
Danger could be my middle name ... But it's John. -- Eddie Izzard
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in? -- Eddie Izzard
Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up. -- Eddie Izzard
You've got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You've got to believe. -- Eddie Izzard
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. -- Eddie Izzard
I am an evil Giraffe. -- Eddie Izzard
It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries. -- Eddie Izzard
If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel. -- Eddie Izzard
Have you got a flag? -- Eddie Izzard
When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do. -- Eddie Izzard
