Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by George Carlin, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring George Carlin quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 817 George Carlin quotes for you to read and share.

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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! -- George Carlin
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Life is a near-death experience. -- George Carlin
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Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them. -- George Carlin
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. -- George Carlin
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Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. -- George Carlin
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. -- George Carlin
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When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. -- George Carlin
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. -- George Carlin
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Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they 'ought to be.' And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope! -- George Carlin
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That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for. -- George Carlin
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I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. -- George Carlin
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Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." -- George Carlin
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. -- George Carlin
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. -- George Carlin
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. -- George Carlin
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. -- George Carlin
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Children should be taught to question everything ... everything they read and everything they hear. -- George Carlin
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You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! -- George Carlin
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The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! -- George Carlin
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. -- George Carlin
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People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. -- George Carlin
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children. -- George Carlin
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The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" -- George Carlin
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If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. -- George Carlin
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. -- George Carlin
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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. -- George Carlin
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In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. -- George Carlin
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When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. -- George Carlin
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? -- George Carlin
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. -- George Carlin
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. -- George Carlin
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. -- George Carlin
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away ... and you don't know what time it is? -- George Carlin
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. -- George Carlin
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. -- George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? -- George Carlin
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If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. -- George Carlin
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Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? -- George Carlin
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I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. -- George Carlin
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. -- George Carlin
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. -- George Carlin
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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt -- George Carlin
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Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? -- George Carlin
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. -- George Carlin
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. -- George Carlin
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And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. -- George Carlin
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You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble. -- George Carlin
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[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German. -- George Carlin
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? -- George Carlin
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You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it! -- George Carlin
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition. -- George Carlin
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss.
[WHAM! CRUNCH!]
"Look, they nearly missed!"
"Yes, but not quite. -- George Carlin
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In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. -- George Carlin
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Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer. -- George Carlin
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag. -- George Carlin
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Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. -- George Carlin
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. -- George Carlin
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Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. -- George Carlin
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. -- George Carlin
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They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. -- George Carlin
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If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? -- George Carlin
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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. -- George Carlin
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All music is the blues. All of it. -- George Carlin
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? -- George Carlin
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. -- George Carlin
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If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. -- George Carlin
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Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. -- George Carlin
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater. -- George Carlin
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You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick. -- George Carlin
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. -- George Carlin
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It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. -- George Carlin
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. -- George Carlin
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again! -- George Carlin
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We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket. -- George Carlin
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. -- George Carlin
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? -- George Carlin
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? -- George Carlin
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Most people are not particularly good at anything. -- George Carlin
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I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way. -- George Carlin
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it -- George Carlin
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She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. -- George Carlin
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Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty and it's Pentecost Sunday, the last day, and you're on a ship at sea. And the chaplain goes into a coma! But you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late ... But then you cross the International Date Line! Would that then be a sin then, Father? -- George Carlin
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I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide. -- George Carlin
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If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? -- George Carlin
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Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. -- George Carlin
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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. -- George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? -- George Carlin
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. -- George Carlin
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People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. -- George Carlin
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We created god in our own image and likeness! -- George Carlin
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The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it. -- George Carlin
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I wanna live. I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade -- George Carlin
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And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. -- George Carlin
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If voting changed anything, it would be illegal. -- George Carlin
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all. -- George Carlin
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And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. -- George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. -- George Carlin
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. -- George Carlin
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into. -- George Carlin
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! -- George Carlin
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi. -- George Carlin
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. -- George Carlin
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Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. -- George Carlin
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Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. -- George Carlin
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. -- George Carlin
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So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence. -- George Carlin
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table. -- George Carlin
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It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. -- George Carlin
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Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. -- George Carlin
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Your home is your refuge. -- George Carlin
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In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. -- George Carlin
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Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet. -- George Carlin
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"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." -- George Carlin
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians. -- George Carlin
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Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? -- George Carlin
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Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth. -- George Carlin
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Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry. -- George Carlin
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers. -- George Carlin
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So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. -- George Carlin
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. -- George Carlin
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." -- George Carlin
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Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back. -- George Carlin
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Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. -- George Carlin
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There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster. -- George Carlin
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. -- George Carlin
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My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' -- George Carlin
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I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. -- George Carlin
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I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left. -- George Carlin
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens. -- George Carlin
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. -- George Carlin
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine! -- George Carlin
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. -- George Carlin
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If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die ... where does the sacred part come in? -- George Carlin
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. -- George Carlin
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew. -- George Carlin
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. -- George Carlin
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"? -- George Carlin
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. -- George Carlin
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When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it. -- George Carlin
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. -- George Carlin
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you? -- George Carlin
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. -- George Carlin
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O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. -- George Carlin
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I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms. -- George Carlin
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!' -- George Carlin
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You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important. -- George Carlin
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed. -- George Carlin
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes. -- George Carlin
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The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. -- George Carlin
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. -- George Carlin
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And now gay people want to get married ... Haven't they suffered enough? -- George Carlin
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country. -- George Carlin
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I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. -- George Carlin
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Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties. -- George Carlin
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. -- George Carlin
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered. -- George Carlin
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Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. -- George Carlin
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I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. -- George Carlin
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The term faith-based is nothing more than an attempt to slip religion past you when you're not thinking; which is the way religion is always slipped past you. It deprives you of choice; choice being another word the political-speech manipulators find extremely useful. -- George Carlin
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. -- George Carlin
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire. -- George Carlin
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol. -- George Carlin
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The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision. -- George Carlin
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. -- George Carlin
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject. -- George Carlin
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I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. -- George Carlin
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Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. -- George Carlin
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Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. -- George Carlin
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You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. -- George Carlin
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? -- George Carlin
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If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? -- George Carlin
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. -- George Carlin
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. -- George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. -- George Carlin
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. -- George Carlin
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. -- George Carlin
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street. -- George Carlin
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Whatever happened to "In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance." So said Frederick the Great. -- George Carlin
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. -- George Carlin
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. -- George Carlin
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Cancer research is a growth industry. -- George Carlin
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. -- George Carlin
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Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way. -- George Carlin
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No one has to come see my shows who doesn't like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a ticket. They're free to leave at any time. So I'm not imposing anything on anyone. Therefore I feel free to cross the line. -- George Carlin
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. -- George Carlin
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The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way." -- George Carlin
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I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke. -- George Carlin
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Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade. -- George Carlin
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Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? -- George Carlin
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. -- George Carlin
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! -- George Carlin
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. -- George Carlin
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Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively. -- George Carlin
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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? -- George Carlin
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool! -- George Carlin
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Meow" means "woof" in cat. -- George Carlin
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. -- George Carlin
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These are the kinds of thoughts that made it necessary to separate me from the other kids at school. -- George Carlin
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More people write poetry than read it. -- George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. -- George Carlin
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You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus's, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. -- George Carlin
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have. -- George Carlin
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. -- George Carlin
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. -- George Carlin
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Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself. -- George Carlin
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Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with -- George Carlin
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together. -- George Carlin
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Why don't the men have "Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night"? -- George Carlin
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. -- George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked. -- George Carlin
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid. -- George Carlin
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. -- George Carlin
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? -- George Carlin
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. -- George Carlin
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? -- George Carlin
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? -- George Carlin
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
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And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. -- George Carlin
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Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill ... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer. -- George Carlin
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people. -- George Carlin
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He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. -- George Carlin
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. -- George Carlin
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Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them. -- George Carlin
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Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. -- George Carlin
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Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. -- George Carlin
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe. -- George Carlin
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. -- George Carlin
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A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. -- George Carlin
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Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!" -- George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. -- George Carlin
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What if there were no hypothetical questions? -- George Carlin
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My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious! -- George Carlin
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Where do we get our values from? -- George Carlin
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing. -- George Carlin
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Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went? -- George Carlin
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. -- George Carlin
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To me the cynics are the ones in the boardrooms with the reports from the focus groups. -- George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. -- George Carlin
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Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day. -- George Carlin
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -- George Carlin
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A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. -- George Carlin
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Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful! -- George Carlin
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? -- George Carlin
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You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. -- George Carlin
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass. -- George Carlin
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. -- George Carlin
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate. -- George Carlin
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Sports fans eat shit. -- George Carlin
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I am sick of hearing about "innocent victims", there are no "innocent victims". If you live on this planet you're guilty. Period, f ... you, end of report, next case, next f ... ing case. -- George Carlin
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A pear is a failed apple. -- George Carlin
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. -- George Carlin
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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -- George Carlin
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A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics? -- George Carlin
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Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. -- George Carlin
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that 1 enjoys it? -- George Carlin
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? -- George Carlin
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I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help. -- George Carlin
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. -- George Carlin
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. -- George Carlin
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I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. -- George Carlin
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet. -- George Carlin
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Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. -- George Carlin
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. -- George Carlin
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. -- George Carlin
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. -- George Carlin
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. -- George Carlin
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Hooray for most things! -- George Carlin
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It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. -- George Carlin
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People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. -- George Carlin
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What was the best thing before sliced bread? -- George Carlin
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. -- George Carlin
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Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old. -- George Carlin
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In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem. -- George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. -- George Carlin
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When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me. -- George Carlin
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I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon. -- George Carlin
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. -- George Carlin
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If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead -- George Carlin
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. -- George Carlin
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. -- George Carlin
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A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate? -- George Carlin
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points. -- George Carlin
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. -- George Carlin
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I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. -- George Carlin
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. -- George Carlin
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If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? -- George Carlin
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If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain -- George Carlin
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As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. -- George Carlin
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Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. -- George Carlin
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are. -- George Carlin
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Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. -- George Carlin
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M. -- George Carlin
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The only difference between lilies and turds is whatever difference humans have agreed upon; and I don't always agree. -- George Carlin
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Why do so many people need help?! Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery?! -- George Carlin
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The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. -- George Carlin
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. -- George Carlin
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Don't just teach your children to read ...
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything. -- George Carlin
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded. -- George Carlin
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals? -- George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. -- George Carlin
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Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them. -- George Carlin
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The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. -- George Carlin
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. -- George Carlin
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There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you. -- George Carlin
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. -- George Carlin
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If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who's gonna clean the fuckin' toilets around here? -- George Carlin
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. -- George Carlin
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. -- George Carlin
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. -- George Carlin
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? -- George Carlin
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Fuck rational thought -- George Carlin
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! -- George Carlin
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When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. -- George Carlin
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted. -- George Carlin
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Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. -- George Carlin
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I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. -- George Carlin
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A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed. -- George Carlin
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. -- George Carlin
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. -- George Carlin
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. -- George Carlin
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. -- George Carlin
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You get to play with people's little danger zones. -- George Carlin
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No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. -- George Carlin
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I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to. -- George Carlin
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. -- George Carlin
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. -- George Carlin
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. -- George Carlin
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You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it. -- George Carlin
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The status quo sucks. -- George Carlin
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election -- George Carlin
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? -- George Carlin
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My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared good and friendly, and all that. But I was a problem. I was a street kid. -- George Carlin
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Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. -- George Carlin
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment. -- George Carlin
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? -- George Carlin
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic. -- George Carlin
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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. -- George Carlin
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I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 000873439
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. -- George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. -- George Carlin
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven. -- George Carlin
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In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick. -- George Carlin
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I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're a slave to them, or you're taking matters into your hands. -- George Carlin
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. -- George Carlin
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I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. -- George Carlin
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The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. -- George Carlin
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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. -- George Carlin
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! -- George Carlin
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I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise. I think people in America sold out very cheaply, for sneakers and cheeseburgers. And I don't think it's fixable -- George Carlin
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If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? -- George Carlin
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'. -- George Carlin
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I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. -- George Carlin
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. -- George Carlin
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I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind. -- George Carlin
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It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off. -- George Carlin
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO. -- George Carlin
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Always do whatever's next. -- George Carlin
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real? -- George Carlin
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section. -- George Carlin
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Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves. -- George Carlin
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. -- George Carlin
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. -- George Carlin
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Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing ... you're doing hard work. -- George Carlin
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember. -- George Carlin
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. -- George Carlin
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. -- George Carlin
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Life is not that complicated. -- George Carlin
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He is dead now, but he meant well. -- George Carlin
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing. -- George Carlin
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My motto: Fuck Hope! -- George Carlin
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Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. -- George Carlin
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And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. -- George Carlin
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. -- George Carlin
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. -- George Carlin
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You never see a smiling runner. -- George Carlin
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. -- George Carlin
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? -- George Carlin
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise. -- George Carlin
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I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. -- George Carlin
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes -- George Carlin
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow. -- George Carlin
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I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species. -- George Carlin
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Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites? -- George Carlin
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it. -- George Carlin
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I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. -- George Carlin
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. -- George Carlin
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Everything beeps now. -- George Carlin
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. -- George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing -- George Carlin
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Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun. -- George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. -- George Carlin
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left? -- George Carlin
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea. -- George Carlin
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. -- George Carlin
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people. -- George Carlin
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Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it. -- George Carlin
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My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. -- George Carlin
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. -- George Carlin
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No art is possible without a dance with death. -- George Carlin
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. -- George Carlin
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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police. -- George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? -- George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning -- George Carlin
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another -- George Carlin
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. -- George Carlin
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! -- George Carlin
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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. -- George Carlin
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I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. -- George Carlin
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? -- George Carlin
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I don't own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt. -- George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. -- George Carlin
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. -- George Carlin
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The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. -- George Carlin
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No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. -- George Carlin
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California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you! -- George Carlin
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The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife
because the music hadn't been beautiful enough. -- George Carlin
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. -- George Carlin
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I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now. -- George Carlin
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Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'. -- George Carlin
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I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. -- George Carlin
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. -- George Carlin
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it. -- George Carlin
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To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. -- George Carlin
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English. -- George Carlin
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought. -- George Carlin
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Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" -- George Carlin
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If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. -- George Carlin
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When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? -- George Carlin
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. -- George Carlin
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Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke. -- George Carlin
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. -- George Carlin
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If I had been in charge of reorganizing the government's security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have divided the responsibilities into two agencies: The Bureau of What the Fuck Was That? and The Department of What the Fuck Are We Gonna Do Now? -- George Carlin
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole. -- George Carlin
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. -- George Carlin
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people. -- George Carlin
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. -- George Carlin
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. -- George Carlin
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Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It's nature's supreme joke.
Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up. -- George Carlin
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. -- George Carlin
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. -- George Carlin
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. -- George Carlin
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. -- George Carlin
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The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. -- George Carlin
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back ... -- George Carlin
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? -- George Carlin
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Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. -- George Carlin
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Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. -- George Carlin
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers. -- George Carlin
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. -- George Carlin
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. -- George Carlin
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We're all fucked. It helps to remember this. -- George Carlin
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either. -- George Carlin
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. -- George Carlin
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Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are. -- George Carlin
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What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part? -- George Carlin
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Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol. -- George Carlin
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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. -- George Carlin
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.' ... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.' -- George Carlin
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! -- George Carlin
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. -- George Carlin
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. -- George Carlin
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. -- George Carlin
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Twat is twat and that is that. -- George Carlin
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If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together. -- George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. -- George Carlin
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. -- George Carlin
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It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months. -- George Carlin
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The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept. -- George Carlin
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You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. -- George Carlin
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I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me. -- George Carlin
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But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! -- George Carlin
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. -- George Carlin
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. -- George Carlin
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. -- George Carlin
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If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? -- George Carlin
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. -- George Carlin
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. -- George Carlin
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -- George Carlin
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. -- George Carlin
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Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails. -- George Carlin
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Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter. -- George Carlin
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. -- George Carlin
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The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. -- George Carlin
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. -- George Carlin
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. -- George Carlin
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Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off. -- George Carlin
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck -- George Carlin
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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. -- George Carlin
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I'm in shape. Round is a shape. -- George Carlin
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. -- George Carlin
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone? -- George Carlin
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One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date. -- George Carlin
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I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me. -- George Carlin
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I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. -- George Carlin
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I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective. -- George Carlin
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Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. -- George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." -- George Carlin
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If you had yourself cloned, who exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school. -- George Carlin
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me. -- George Carlin
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. -- George Carlin
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! -- George Carlin
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001227439
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch. -- George Carlin
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001233817
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away? -- George Carlin
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001236816
I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001239638
I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius. -- George Carlin
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Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. -- George Carlin
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Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. -- George Carlin
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In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" -- George Carlin
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Electricity is really just organized lightning -- George Carlin
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. -- George Carlin
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For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. -- George Carlin
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The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. -- George Carlin
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These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. -- George Carlin
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I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him. -- George Carlin
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Jesus was a cross-dresser. -- George Carlin
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I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001268381
At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001269610
The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001269645
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. -- George Carlin
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You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. -- George Carlin
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Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there? -- George Carlin
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. -- George Carlin
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The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001277639
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? -- George Carlin
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When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. -- George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. -- George Carlin
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming. -- George Carlin
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Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001293562
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' -- George Carlin
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. -- George Carlin
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"No comment" is a comment. -- George Carlin
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know. -- George Carlin
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Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language. -- George Carlin
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. -- George Carlin
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost. -- George Carlin
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. -- George Carlin
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Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you. -- George Carlin
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It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business. -- George Carlin
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. -- George Carlin
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. -- George Carlin
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? -- George Carlin
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Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. -- George Carlin
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Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? -- George Carlin
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but ... they had a golf course. -- George Carlin
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And if they tell you you're not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant. -- George Carlin
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? -- George Carlin
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I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions. -- George Carlin
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I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own. -- George Carlin
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Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning. -- George Carlin
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Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. -- George Carlin
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose ... it'll be much harder to detect. -- George Carlin
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. -- George Carlin
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment. -- George Carlin
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking. -- George Carlin
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An art thief is a man who takes pictures. -- George Carlin
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When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. -- George Carlin
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Life is tough, then you die. -- George Carlin
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. -- George Carlin
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If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001363084
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. -- George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes : pic 001363399
The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone. -- George Carlin
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Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. -- George Carlin
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Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. -- George Carlin
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? -- George Carlin