Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Greg Behrendt, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Greg Behrendt quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 148 Greg Behrendt quotes for you to read and share.

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I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships. -- Greg Behrendt
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The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion! -- Greg Behrendt
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We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, "You're not the
one." We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us. -- Greg Behrendt
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He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they're great. -- Greg Behrendt
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I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate. -- Greg Behrendt
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Hey, Hot Stuff, Can't wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting. Your Future -- Greg Behrendt
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I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right. -- Greg Behrendt
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Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside. -- Greg Behrendt
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There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account. -- Greg Behrendt
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Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again. -- Greg Behrendt
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Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. -- Greg Behrendt
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Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time. -- Greg Behrendt
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E may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. -- Greg Behrendt
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People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade. -- Greg Behrendt
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Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. -- Greg Behrendt
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The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you. -- Greg Behrendt
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I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it. -- Greg Behrendt
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Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you? -- Greg Behrendt
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There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend. -- Greg Behrendt
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For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing. -- Greg Behrendt
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A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. -- Greg Behrendt
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Alone also means available for someone outstanding. -- Greg Behrendt
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I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book. -- Greg Behrendt
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I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted. -- Greg Behrendt
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My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father. -- Greg Behrendt
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She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus. -- Greg Behrendt
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Is he making you happy? I don't mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, "but the good still outweighs the bad." Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him? -- Greg Behrendt
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Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself. -- Greg Behrendt
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The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want. -- Greg Behrendt
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My buddy Tom ... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening. -- Greg Behrendt
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I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you. -- Greg Behrendt
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Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears. -- Greg Behrendt
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Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It's not getting put through the filter of a television executive who's decided you're too old to justify the expenditure. -- Greg Behrendt
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The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future. -- Greg Behrendt
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I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work. -- Greg Behrendt
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If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while. -- Greg Behrendt
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One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning -- Greg Behrendt
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So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates. -- Greg Behrendt
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Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities. -- Greg Behrendt
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Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust. -- Greg Behrendt
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Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear. -- Greg Behrendt
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People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. -- Greg Behrendt
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I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship. -- Greg Behrendt
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Young people are gross with their faces and their hope. -- Greg Behrendt
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There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him. -- Greg Behrendt
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I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change. -- Greg Behrendt
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Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time. -- Greg Behrendt
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I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book. -- Greg Behrendt
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Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh. -- Greg Behrendt
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If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat. -- Greg Behrendt
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If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will. -- Greg Behrendt
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Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. -- Greg Behrendt
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If the guy you're dating doesn't seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out,' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is. -- Greg Behrendt
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Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all. -- Greg Behrendt
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Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with -- Greg Behrendt
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He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out. -- Greg Behrendt
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First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend -- Greg Behrendt
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The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive. -- Greg Behrendt
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There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree. -- Greg Behrendt
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You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person. -- Greg Behrendt
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People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks. -- Greg Behrendt
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I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly. -- Greg Behrendt
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I don't know" means "NO!"
"I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation."
"I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have. -- Greg Behrendt
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It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People. -- Greg Behrendt
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Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing. -- Greg Behrendt
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If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes. -- Greg Behrendt
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I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it! -- Greg Behrendt
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I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh. -- Greg Behrendt
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If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. -- Greg Behrendt
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Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk. -- Greg Behrendt
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If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing,
because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away. -- Greg Behrendt
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Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time -- Greg Behrendt
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I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!' -- Greg Behrendt
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Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me. -- Greg Behrendt
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So many of us find ourselves saying, "but he was so great!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did. -- Greg Behrendt
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Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you. -- Greg Behrendt
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I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do. -- Greg Behrendt
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An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship. -- Greg Behrendt
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Always be classy. Never be crazy. -- Greg Behrendt
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How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'? -- Greg Behrendt
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He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired. -- Greg Behrendt
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If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater ... I'd be just fine. -- Greg Behrendt
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Good enough to tweet, not to say. -- Greg Behrendt
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Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself -- Greg Behrendt
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It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go. -- Greg Behrendt
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Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is. -- Greg Behrendt
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Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. -- Greg Behrendt
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A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared. -- Greg Behrendt
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The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have. -- Greg Behrendt
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So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play. -- Greg Behrendt
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The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. -- Greg Behrendt
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My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day. -- Greg Behrendt
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Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us. -- Greg Behrendt
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As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do. -- Greg Behrendt
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But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation -- Greg Behrendt
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big plans require big action -- Greg Behrendt
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Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you? -- Greg Behrendt
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Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. -- Greg Behrendt
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Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you -- Greg Behrendt
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I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes. -- Greg Behrendt
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I believe in love the verb, not the noun. -- Greg Behrendt
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There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback. -- Greg Behrendt
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You are not easily forgotten. -- Greg Behrendt
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Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica? -- Greg Behrendt
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Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep. -- Greg Behrendt
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Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. -- Greg Behrendt
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I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. -- Greg Behrendt
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The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself. -- Greg Behrendt
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Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.) -- Greg Behrendt
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Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of. -- Greg Behrendt
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I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake. -- Greg Behrendt
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If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. -- Greg Behrendt
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Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart. -- Greg Behrendt
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When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you'd like them to be. -- Greg Behrendt
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Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex. -- Greg Behrendt
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You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don't need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. -- Greg Behrendt
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He doesn't need to be reminded you're great. -- Greg Behrendt
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Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. -- Greg Behrendt
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I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter. -- Greg Behrendt
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This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done. -- Greg Behrendt
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I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs. -- Greg Behrendt
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Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts. -- Greg Behrendt
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Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges -- Greg Behrendt
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Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down. -- Greg Behrendt
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Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ... -- Greg Behrendt
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Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? -- Greg Behrendt
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You can't fix people or make them change; the only thing you can do is pack your shit and leave if it isn't working for you. -- Greg Behrendt
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I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones. -- Greg Behrendt
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Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself. -- Greg Behrendt
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He's just not that into you. -- Greg Behrendt
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If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy. -- Greg Behrendt
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I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships. -- Greg Behrendt
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Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. -- Greg Behrendt
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There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show. -- Greg Behrendt
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Don't waste the pretty -- Greg Behrendt
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A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you. -- Greg Behrendt
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When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you. -- Greg Behrendt
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If he was so great, you'd still be together. -- Greg Behrendt
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Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you. -- Greg Behrendt
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The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric. -- Greg Behrendt
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I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie! -- Greg Behrendt
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When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do. -- Greg Behrendt
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A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves -- Greg Behrendt
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Better than nothing is not good enough for you! -- Greg Behrendt
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We were raised to pursue women ... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers. -- Greg Behrendt
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I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show. -- Greg Behrendt
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You already have one asshole, you don't need another one -- Greg Behrendt
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Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves. -- Greg Behrendt