Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Henny Youngman, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Henny Youngman quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 221 Henny Youngman quotes for you to read and share.

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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. -- Henny Youngman
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" -- Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. -- Henny Youngman
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Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. -- Henny Youngman
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I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! -- Henny Youngman
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All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. -- Henny Youngman
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. -- Henny Youngman
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A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!" -- Henny Youngman
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If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late -- Henny Youngman
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A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" -- Henny Youngman
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A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house! -- Henny Youngman
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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. -- Henny Youngman
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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. -- Henny Youngman
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You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. -- Henny Youngman
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! -- Henny Youngman
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. -- Henny Youngman
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" -- Henny Youngman
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? -- Henny Youngman
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! -- Henny Youngman
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The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!". -- Henny Youngman
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2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything." -- Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. -- Henny Youngman
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A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" -- Henny Youngman
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I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. -- Henny Youngman
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"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" -- Henny Youngman
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The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" -- Henny Youngman
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My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! -- Henny Youngman
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. -- Henny Youngman
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Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. -- Henny Youngman
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. -- Henny Youngman
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Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. -- Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? -- Henny Youngman
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. -- Henny Youngman
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She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. -- Henny Youngman
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? -- Henny Youngman
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"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" -- Henny Youngman
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." -- Henny Youngman
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed. -- Henny Youngman
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. -- Henny Youngman
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During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. -- Henny Youngman
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? -- Henny Youngman
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His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. -- Henny Youngman
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife has a black belt in shopping. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. -- Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. -- Henny Youngman
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! -- Henny Youngman
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I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. -- Henny Youngman
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' -- Henny Youngman
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Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." -- Henny Youngman
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A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini! -- Henny Youngman
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Old teachers never die, they just grade away. -- Henny Youngman
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." -- Henny Youngman
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. -- Henny Youngman
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How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' -- Henny Youngman
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" -- Henny Youngman
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! -- Henny Youngman
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -- Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -- Henny Youngman
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Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" -- Henny Youngman
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henny Youngman
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. -- Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" -- Henny Youngman
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I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers." -- Henny Youngman
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I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. -- Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" -- Henny Youngman
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. -- Henny Youngman
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Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. -- Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. -- Henny Youngman
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I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00. -- Henny Youngman
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase. -- Henny Youngman
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Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. -- Henny Youngman
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife. -- Henny Youngman
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I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. -- Henny Youngman
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. -- Henny Youngman
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" -- Henny Youngman
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. -- Henny Youngman
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" -- Henny Youngman
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. -- Henny Youngman
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. -- Henny Youngman
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. -- Henny Youngman
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Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" -- Henny Youngman
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Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. -- Henny Youngman
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" -- Henny Youngman
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. -- Henny Youngman
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow. -- Henny Youngman
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The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" -- Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... " -- Henny Youngman
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. -- Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. -- Henny Youngman
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! -- Henny Youngman
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did -- Henny Youngman
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. -- Henny Youngman
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. -- Henny Youngman
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. -- Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. -- Henny Youngman
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! -- Henny Youngman
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. -- Henny Youngman
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When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. -- Henny Youngman
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady? -- Henny Youngman
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A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in? -- Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are. -- Henny Youngman
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. -- Henny Youngman
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When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading -- Henny Youngman
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A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles ... -- Henny Youngman
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A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. -- Henny Youngman
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. -- Henny Youngman
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. -- Henny Youngman
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. -- Henny Youngman
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"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" -- Henny Youngman
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O -- Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
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When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) -- Henny Youngman
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We aim to please ... You aim too, please. -- Henny Youngman
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. -- Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. -- Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. -- Henny Youngman
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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. -- Henny Youngman
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink. -- Henny Youngman
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What is a home without children? Quiet. -- Henny Youngman
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I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. -- Henny Youngman
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He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. -- Henny Youngman
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? -- Henny Youngman
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My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle. -- Henny Youngman
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. -- Henny Youngman
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I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can -- Henny Youngman
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I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. -- Henny Youngman
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. -- Henny Youngman
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. -- Henny Youngman
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. -- Henny Youngman
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I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward. -- Henny Youngman
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Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls? -- Henny Youngman
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you. -- Henny Youngman
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This man dresses like an unmade bed. -- Henny Youngman
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If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. -- Henny Youngman
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough' -- Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. -- Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. -- Henny Youngman
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" -- Henny Youngman
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My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! -- Henny Youngman
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? -- Henny Youngman
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere. -- Henny Youngman
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. -- Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. -- Henny Youngman
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. -- Henny Youngman
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I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today. -- Henny Youngman
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I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." -- Henny Youngman
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? -- Henny Youngman
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I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. -- Henny Youngman
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! -- Henny Youngman
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A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." -- Henny Youngman
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower. -- Henny Youngman
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She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. -- Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. -- Henny Youngman
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. -- Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. -- Henny Youngman
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. -- Henny Youngman
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I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. -- Henny Youngman
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I live about four muggings from Central Park. -- Henny Youngman
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. -- Henny Youngman
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. -- Henny Youngman
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. -- Henny Youngman
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I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker. -- Henny Youngman
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There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. -- Henny Youngman
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In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" -- Henny Youngman
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I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' -- Henny Youngman
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ... -- Henny Youngman
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The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?" -- Henny Youngman
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2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" -- Henny Youngman
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Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. -- Henny Youngman
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Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room. -- Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!" -- Henny Youngman
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Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? -- Henny Youngman
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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. -- Henny Youngman
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us! -- Henny Youngman
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" -- Henny Youngman
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Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! -- Henny Youngman
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once ... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. -- Henny Youngman
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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. -- Henny Youngman
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. -- Henny Youngman
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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. -- Henny Youngman
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My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. -- Henny Youngman
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I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. -- Henny Youngman
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. -- Henny Youngman
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. -- Henny Youngman
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation? -- Henny Youngman
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying. -- Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. -- Henny Youngman
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". -- Henny Youngman
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. -- Henny Youngman
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" -- Henny Youngman
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My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. -- Henny Youngman
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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? -- Henny Youngman
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The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!" -- Henny Youngman
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A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology. -- Henny Youngman
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. -- Henny Youngman
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In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want! -- Henny Youngman
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She has a wash and wear bridal gown. -- Henny Youngman
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My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. -- Henny Youngman
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I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon. -- Henny Youngman
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If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? -- Henny Youngman
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. -- Henny Youngman
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. -- Henny Youngman
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. -- Henny Youngman
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. -- Henny Youngman
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Take my wife ... Please! -- Henny Youngman
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. -- Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. -- Henny Youngman
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. -- Henny Youngman
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. -- Henny Youngman