Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Jay Leno, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Jay Leno quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 801 Jay Leno quotes for you to read and share.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park. -- Jay Leno
Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles. -- Jay Leno
President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off. -- Jay Leno
Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning. -- Jay Leno
The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people. -- Jay Leno
An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson. -- Jay Leno
US officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I'm no a veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds? -- Jay Leno
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp. -- Jay Leno
Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.' -- Jay Leno
Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush. -- Jay Leno
A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron? -- Jay Leno
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. -- Jay Leno
In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans. -- Jay Leno
They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it! -- Jay Leno
House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that. -- Jay Leno
You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around. -- Jay Leno
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. -- Jay Leno
When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth. -- Jay Leno
According to today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he's a uniter! -- Jay Leno
You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.' -- Jay Leno
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes. -- Jay Leno
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. -- Jay Leno
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people." -- Jay Leno
They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on Jeopardy! and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one. -- Jay Leno
Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as "karma." The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings. -- Jay Leno
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed. -- Jay Leno
Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats. -- Jay Leno
It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years. -- Jay Leno
That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.' -- Jay Leno
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee. -- Jay Leno
According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist. -- Jay Leno
Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it. -- Jay Leno
Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward. -- Jay Leno
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous. -- Jay Leno
The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me. -- Jay Leno
The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked. -- Jay Leno
Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!' -- Jay Leno
The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise. -- Jay Leno
Well, the big story
Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed. -- Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution. -- Jay Leno
As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days. -- Jay Leno
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush". -- Jay Leno
Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil. -- Jay Leno
106 [degrees] in the valley ... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents. -- Jay Leno
It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car. -- Jay Leno
In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones - tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs. -- Jay Leno
Speaker John Boehner complained that Barack Obama ordered the U.S. military into combat in Libya without clearly defining the mission to the American people and Congress. See, apparently, you're only allowed to do that when invading Iraq. -- Jay Leno
You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity. -- Jay Leno
Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you're really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it's the greatest thing in the world. -- Jay Leno
In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it. -- Jay Leno
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up. -- Jay Leno
Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample. -- Jay Leno
President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in. -- Jay Leno
(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species. -- Jay Leno
President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation. -- Jay Leno
According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it's not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well. -- Jay Leno
It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were. -- Jay Leno
A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeye's fried chicken. So, great, instead of oil for food, we're giving them oil in food. -- Jay Leno
There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death. -- Jay Leno
Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.' -- Jay Leno
President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his? -- Jay Leno
The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their money over false promises, that's our turf, buddy! -- Jay Leno
Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it. -- Jay Leno
The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him. -- Jay Leno
It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that. -- Jay Leno
Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box. -- Jay Leno
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back. -- Jay Leno
When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking. -- Jay Leno
The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for. -- Jay Leno
Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, 'If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.' The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful. -- Jay Leno
If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself. -- Jay Leno
Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window! -- Jay Leno
Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind. -- Jay Leno
Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine, worthless Treasury bonds. -- Jay Leno
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. -- Jay Leno
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea. -- Jay Leno
At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down. -- Jay Leno
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.! -- Jay Leno
Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid -- Jay Leno
Experts are saying that President Bush's goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don't we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee? -- Jay Leno
Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House's Easter Egg Roll. It's nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. -- Jay Leno
Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney! -- Jay Leno
According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying. -- Jay Leno
A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month. -- Jay Leno
So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? -- Jay Leno
Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam. -- Jay Leno
Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America. -- Jay Leno
In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying - that if we want real change, we should throw him out? -- Jay Leno
North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. -- Jay Leno
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch. -- Jay Leno
According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress. -- Jay Leno
When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.' -- Jay Leno
Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia. -- Jay Leno
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up! -- Jay Leno
If you're a car salesman, and someone says "This is a terrible car, I'm not buying it," it doesn't mean they hate you. They just don't like your product. I think that's a mistake a lot of people in show business make.. they're so tied to their act they take everything personally. -- Jay Leno
More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We're not sure when, we're not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company? -- Jay Leno
I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those.. it's called a window. -- Jay Leno
They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries. -- Jay Leno
In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented democrat'. -- Jay Leno
How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes. -- Jay Leno
That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that's 360 virgins. -- Jay Leno
Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger. -- Jay Leno
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started. -- Jay Leno
In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family. -- Jay Leno
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table. -- Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton said she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. That was the great thing about her husband Bill: he was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office. -- Jay Leno
Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer. -- Jay Leno
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time. -- Jay Leno
It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow. -- Jay Leno
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference. -- Jay Leno
President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes. -- Jay Leno
So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America. -- Jay Leno
In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons. -- Jay Leno
Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama. -- Jay Leno
Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize. -- Jay Leno
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! -- Jay Leno
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet. -- Jay Leno
As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it - it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore. -- Jay Leno
There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He's in Mexico campaigning with the very people who'll be living here by election time. -- Jay Leno
Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isn't as smart as his dad. -- Jay Leno
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him? -- Jay Leno
Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy -- Jay Leno
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind. -- Jay Leno
(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president. -- Jay Leno
President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I? -- Jay Leno
Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date. -- Jay Leno
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men! -- Jay Leno
John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, 'What? People are listening to my speeches?' -- Jay Leno
Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program. -- Jay Leno
But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down! -- Jay Leno
You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network. -- Jay Leno
It turns out Enron workers were not only shredding documents at work, they were having sex at work. Having sex and shredding documents. Those are two things you don't want to get mixed up. -- Jay Leno
And some sad news ... the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities. -- Jay Leno
They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore. -- Jay Leno
President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?' -- Jay Leno
Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can't blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded. -- Jay Leno
If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.' -- Jay Leno
The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine? -- Jay Leno
Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie? -- Jay Leno
Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down. -- Jay Leno
President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year. -- Jay Leno
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. -- Jay Leno
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks. -- Jay Leno
President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.' -- Jay Leno
For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV. -- Jay Leno
According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head. -- Jay Leno
It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business. -- Jay Leno
Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let's bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They'll know how to take care of him! -- Jay Leno
A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time. -- Jay Leno
Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches. -- Jay Leno
A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser. -- Jay Leno
In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course The Donald was talking about Himself. -- Jay Leno
Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush. -- Jay Leno
Soup is probably a way associated with screwing you outside of a meal. -- Jay Leno
Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's. -- Jay Leno
Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.' -- Jay Leno
It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy. -- Jay Leno
More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton. -- Jay Leno
President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike. -- Jay Leno
An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong. -- Jay Leno
They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out. -- Jay Leno
For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants
not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber. -- Jay Leno
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal? -- Jay Leno
They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil. -- Jay Leno
Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher. -- Jay Leno
Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years. -- Jay Leno
This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled. -- Jay Leno
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. -- Jay Leno
The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too. -- Jay Leno
Of course, Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book. -- Jay Leno
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize. -- Jay Leno
I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel - Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson. -- Jay Leno
Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child. -- Jay Leno
According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to. -- Jay Leno
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees. -- Jay Leno
Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody. -- Jay Leno
Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help. -- Jay Leno
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. -- Jay Leno
The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem. -- Jay Leno
I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went 'Booo! Booo!' and was throwing stuff. I had to say 'Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!' -- Jay Leno
President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States. -- Jay Leno
Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that? -- Jay Leno
A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace. -- Jay Leno
President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money. -- Jay Leno
Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really - how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards? -- Jay Leno
President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas. -- Jay Leno
When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other. -- Jay Leno
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,
flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist
attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of
the Pledge of Allegiance? -- Jay Leno
President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits. -- Jay Leno
Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden's death. They want to call it "Martyr's Sea." Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about "Chicken of the Sea? -- Jay Leno
Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control. -- Jay Leno
President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market ... ' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner! -- Jay Leno
Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging. -- Jay Leno
Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring. -- Jay Leno
I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network from his underground bunker somewhere in the Sacramento area. -- Jay Leno
As if this whole thing isn't confusing enough, election officials announced this week that the alphabet on the ballot will begin with the letter R, then W, then Q. You know, even Sesame Street is laughing at California now. -- Jay Leno
Today, you get better performance from a Ford Focus than a Ferrari from the mid-70s. [The Focus] is just as fast and with better fuel economy. It's fun to see supercar technology trickle down to everyday cars. -- Jay Leno
This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record. -- Jay Leno
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances. -- Jay Leno
How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up? -- Jay Leno
A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father. -- Jay Leno
The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November. -- Jay Leno
Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He's saying it was just the liquor talking. -- Jay Leno
Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too? -- Jay Leno
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own. -- Jay Leno
Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now. -- Jay Leno
Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all. -- Jay Leno
As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam. -- Jay Leno
Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now. -- Jay Leno
A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this. -- Jay Leno
Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that. -- Jay Leno
President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare. -- Jay Leno
When we finally have this recall election in October, there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. And you know what's really scary? Most of them don't know the first thing about driving a state into bankruptcy. They're not experts like Governor Gray Davis. -- Jay Leno
Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.' -- Jay Leno
President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live. -- Jay Leno
Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party? -- Jay Leno
Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden. -- Jay Leno
Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032. -- Jay Leno
Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months. -- Jay Leno
A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up. -- Jay Leno
BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20. -- Jay Leno
If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business. -- Jay Leno
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers. -- Jay Leno
You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez. -- Jay Leno
And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses. -- Jay Leno
U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges. -- Jay Leno
I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? -- Jay Leno
Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming. -- Jay Leno
A Christmas tree
the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead. -- Jay Leno
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room. -- Jay Leno
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that's science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now? -- Jay Leno
People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans. -- Jay Leno
The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place. -- Jay Leno
Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help. -- Jay Leno
President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard. -- Jay Leno
Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress. -- Jay Leno
You've got Bush and Gore headed to the Supreme Court. You've got George W. Bush's intelligence will be pitted against Al Gore's honesty. This is more like a case for small claims court. -- Jay Leno
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic? -- Jay Leno
Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can. -- Jay Leno
Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser. -- Jay Leno
It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement. -- Jay Leno
The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it. -- Jay Leno
Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter. -- Jay Leno
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed. -- Jay Leno
Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker. -- Jay Leno
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans ... -- Jay Leno
Kerry is saying that Bush never showed up for his national guard duty ... and now Bush is on the attack. He's accusing John Kerry of ducking time in the national guard by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam. -- Jay Leno
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag -- Jay Leno
There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up. -- Jay Leno
Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him. -- Jay Leno
China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen. -- Jay Leno
If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong. -- Jay Leno
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street -- Jay Leno
This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat. -- Jay Leno
This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week. -- Jay Leno
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it. -- Jay Leno
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' -- Jay Leno
Scientists are complaining that the new dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing? -- Jay Leno
As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her. -- Jay Leno
President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs. -- Jay Leno
Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and ... clean. I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history. -- Jay Leno
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride. -- Jay Leno
Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988. -- Jay Leno
You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one. -- Jay Leno
A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders. -- Jay Leno
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. -- Jay Leno
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week. -- Jay Leno
A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40. -- Jay Leno
Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare. -- Jay Leno
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner. -- Jay Leno
It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup. -- Jay Leno
Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison. -- Jay Leno
I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part. -- Jay Leno
The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood. -- Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you're Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good. -- Jay Leno
We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver? -- Jay Leno
McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it? -- Jay Leno
Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress. -- Jay Leno
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first. -- Jay Leno
Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary. -- Jay Leno
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent. -- Jay Leno
Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care. -- Jay Leno
Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS. -- Jay Leno
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, It's like ordering a pizza. Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza ... I guess in some ways it is - when it's delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be. -- Jay Leno
The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider. -- Jay Leno
Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke. -- Jay Leno
Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.' -- Jay Leno
The Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post-war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all their couches. -- Jay Leno
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job. -- Jay Leno
Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team. -- Jay Leno
President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating. -- Jay Leno
The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had. -- Jay Leno
One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living. -- Jay Leno
I love all these politicians, they all say the same thing - 'We'll give California back to the people.' Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything, they want to give it back to us. -- Jay Leno
Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back. -- Jay Leno
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards? -- Jay Leno
They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.' -- Jay Leno
President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China. -- Jay Leno
The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad. -- Jay Leno
Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein. -- Jay Leno
I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever. -- Jay Leno
A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine. -- Jay Leno
The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs. -- Jay Leno
There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice. -- Jay Leno
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers. -- Jay Leno
Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off. -- Jay Leno
The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act? -- Jay Leno
Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting. -- Jay Leno
Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor. -- Jay Leno
President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. -- Jay Leno
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time! -- Jay Leno
Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens. -- Jay Leno
Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by. -- Jay Leno
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. -- Jay Leno
It's always bad news when you kill your date -- Jay Leno
The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn't had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer -- Jay Leno
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." -- Jay Leno
Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it's started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold. -- Jay Leno
L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time. -- Jay Leno
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us. -- Jay Leno
Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India. -- Jay Leno
Did you hear about this 20-year-old kid named John Walker from Northern California who was apparently fighting for the Taliban? ... It didn't take long for the TV networks to jump on this Walker thing. CBS has a new show: 'Walker: Taliban Ranger.' -- Jay Leno
The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion? -- Jay Leno
In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary. -- Jay Leno
Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover. -- Jay Leno
It happened again this week. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated from O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Seems every time somebody went through with a weapon, the metal detectors accidentally went off. -- Jay Leno
All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners. -- Jay Leno
Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth - $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook. -- Jay Leno
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers
when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit. -- Jay Leno
Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney. -- Jay Leno
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue. -- Jay Leno
You know what Ken Lay had for breakfast this morning? Shredded Wheat -- Jay Leno
Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with. -- Jay Leno
The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler
from France. -- Jay Leno
Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.' -- Jay Leno
The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard. -- Jay Leno
They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.' -- Jay Leno
In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women. -- Jay Leno
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'? -- Jay Leno
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. -- Jay Leno
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio. -- Jay Leno
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs. -- Jay Leno
The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke. -- Jay Leno
The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election. -- Jay Leno
With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000. -- Jay Leno
Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. -- Jay Leno
Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere. -- Jay Leno
Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table. -- Jay Leno
I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em. -- Jay Leno
President Clinton says he looks forward to the day a citizen can call the IRS and get the right answer to a question. I look forward to the day I can call the IRS and get a voice that says, 'Sorry, that number has been disconnected.' -- Jay Leno
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing. -- Jay Leno
A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey. -- Jay Leno
One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her - at her bank. -- Jay Leno
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs. -- Jay Leno
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! -- Jay Leno
Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill. -- Jay Leno
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I
don't want to get audited by the IRS. -- Jay Leno
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day. -- Jay Leno
According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico. -- Jay Leno
John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities. -- Jay Leno
The Senate is now considering increasing government subsidies for corn growers to produce more ethanol. If we produce enough ethanol we can postpone our next invasion of a Middle Eastern country for two to three years. -- Jay Leno
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. -- Jay Leno
According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House. -- Jay Leno
Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth. -- Jay Leno
President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot. -- Jay Leno
Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico. -- Jay Leno
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing. -- Jay Leno
At Ken Lay's funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme. -- Jay Leno
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it. -- Jay Leno
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished. -- Jay Leno
My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after you eat it. -- Jay Leno
A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now. -- Jay Leno
Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt. -- Jay Leno
President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's - I guess he wasn't lying. -- Jay Leno
It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.' -- Jay Leno
The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins. -- Jay Leno
If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. -- Jay Leno
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama. -- Jay Leno
Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker! -- Jay Leno
There's a new Osama bin Laden video. He's the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he's going to Jenny Craig. -- Jay Leno
Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information. -- Jay Leno
Jesse Jackson's wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night. -- Jay Leno
Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie. -- Jay Leno
Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I've done Politically Incorrect several times. There's no reason to think competition has to be adversarial. -- Jay Leno
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun? -- Jay Leno
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again. -- Jay Leno
In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it's him ... -- Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. -- Jay Leno
It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records. -- Jay Leno
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish. -- Jay Leno
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform. -- Jay Leno
Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations. -- Jay Leno
At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose. -- Jay Leno
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized. -- Jay Leno
Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.' -- Jay Leno
Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt. -- Jay Leno
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate. -- Jay Leno
A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn't his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies. -- Jay Leno
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me. -- Jay Leno
Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left. -- Jay Leno
Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.' -- Jay Leno
Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives we can save millions on congressional salaries. -- Jay Leno
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. -- Jay Leno
President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.' -- Jay Leno
A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind. And you know what really improved? His driving! -- Jay Leno
Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns. -- Jay Leno
Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is married to Maria Shriver and now that he's had a sex scandal, the Kennedy family has finally accepted him. -- Jay Leno
Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: 'Put the oval in the Oval Office.' -- Jay Leno
I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, 'Is everything okay?' He said, 'You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.' That seems a little personal to me. -- Jay Leno
Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house. -- Jay Leno
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup ... They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years -- Jay Leno
The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that's when the party ends -- Jay Leno
For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.' -- Jay Leno
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him. -- Jay Leno
You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows. -- Jay Leno
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress. -- Jay Leno
Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment. -- Jay Leno
Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that's when you know a congressman's in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working. -- Jay Leno
Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding. -- Jay Leno
President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration. -- Jay Leno
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog. -- Jay Leno
The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night. -- Jay Leno
You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid. -- Jay Leno
I believe engineers will save the world. -- Jay Leno
President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything. -- Jay Leno
More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin. -- Jay Leno
The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore. -- Jay Leno
The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now using snowplows to run over dissidents. -- Jay Leno
President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person ... So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It's all the same. -- Jay Leno
Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up? -- Jay Leno
Border agents have now been issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the Mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls? Don't these people eat jalapenos? Isn't that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy? -- Jay Leno
Ambition beats genius 99% of the time -- Jay Leno
Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead. -- Jay Leno
Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party. -- Jay Leno
Playboy magazine is now doing a 'Women of Enron' pictorial spread ... Apparently the only thing these women have left to shred is their dignity. -- Jay Leno
Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because the states could do a gooder job. -- Jay Leno
The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News. -- Jay Leno
Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!' -- Jay Leno
Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it. -- Jay Leno
Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders. -- Jay Leno
The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump. -- Jay Leno
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts. -- Jay Leno
Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn't have to lead us. -- Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane. -- Jay Leno
Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40. -- Jay Leno
Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats? -- Jay Leno
Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them ... I don't want my chokolate to have more fun than me. -- Jay Leno
Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing. -- Jay Leno
President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges. -- Jay Leno
Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt. -- Jay Leno
At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone-sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. To which Bill said, 'Boy, did they get the wrong number.' -- Jay Leno
Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling people he cares, everything is going to be great, forget about everything he did in the '70s. Hey, it worked for George Bush. -- Jay Leno
USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. -- Jay Leno
Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations. -- Jay Leno
When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night. -- Jay Leno
As we watched Judge Clarence
Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation
hearings, all of the commentators
said the same thing: 'One of these
people in the room is lying.' Do you
believe that? You've got two lawyers
and 14 senators in the room, and only
one of them is lying? -- Jay Leno
According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?' -- Jay Leno
Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That's a comforting thought the next time you're getting ready to get on the roller coaster! -- Jay Leno
One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions. -- Jay Leno
A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on. -- Jay Leno
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it. -- Jay Leno
Congratulation s to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago. -- Jay Leno
A Pakistan businessman is claiming that John Walker Lindh is gay and that he was his lover. Say what you will about Lindh, but when this guy goes to play for the other team - he goes all the way ... So Lindh may be both a terrorist and a gay man. That may be John Ashcroft's worst nightmare. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate. -- Jay Leno
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan? -- Jay Leno
President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida. -- Jay Leno
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. -- Jay Leno
A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate. -- Jay Leno
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand? -- Jay Leno
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention. -- Jay Leno
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy. -- Jay Leno
Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it. -- Jay Leno
After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials. -- Jay Leno
If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers. -- Jay Leno
In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs? -- Jay Leno
Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all. -- Jay Leno
There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country. -- Jay Leno
We're heading for a gov. shutdown. This is serious. W/o the gov who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt? -- Jay Leno
A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter. -- Jay Leno
Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans ... -- Jay Leno
Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I'm glad we have a president that can read. -- Jay Leno
U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this? -- Jay Leno
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. -- Jay Leno
Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first. -- Jay Leno
We've got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick. -- Jay Leno
Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama's deficit speech. -- Jay Leno
Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty. -- Jay Leno
The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed. -- Jay Leno
Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist. -- Jay Leno
As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused. -- Jay Leno
While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator. -- Jay Leno
Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is. -- Jay Leno
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. -- Jay Leno
The circus doesn't stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled. -- Jay Leno
It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going. -- Jay Leno
My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around. -- Jay Leno
Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute. -- Jay Leno
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. -- Jay Leno
As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives. -- Jay Leno
The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.' -- Jay Leno
Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti. -- Jay Leno
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car. -- Jay Leno
President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden. -- Jay Leno
Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line. -- Jay Leno
Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the 'Hardball' show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left. -- Jay Leno
President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. -- Jay Leno
According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought. -- Jay Leno
The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page. -- Jay Leno
Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?. -- Jay Leno
The Houston Astros want to change the name of Enron Field where they play. I guess the Enron name could cause problems for them. Like players could steal a base and then deny it. -- Jay Leno
In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million? -- Jay Leno
According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat -- Jay Leno
Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky. -- Jay Leno
People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time. -- Jay Leno
Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it's too early to tell who would lose bigger! -- Jay Leno
American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold. -- Jay Leno
They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years. -- Jay Leno
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. -- Jay Leno
While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!" How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow. -- Jay Leno
Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday -- Jay Leno
The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden. -- Jay Leno
John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding. -- Jay Leno
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade Iraq, the whole place is oil and cash. It's like Republican Disneyland. -- Jay Leno
In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn't it? It's over! Apparently we surrendered! -- Jay Leno
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England". -- Jay Leno
John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them. -- Jay Leno
There was also talk of bringing Al Gore to California to help out, but there was concern that Gray Davis and Al Gore in the same state would cause some kind of rolling personality blackout. -- Jay Leno
If politicians all told the truth, we'd be out of business. -- Jay Leno
Halloween's coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy. -- Jay Leno
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh ... it's as simple as that. -- Jay Leno
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie. -- Jay Leno
The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry. -- Jay Leno
The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first. -- Jay Leno
Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?' -- Jay Leno
A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance studio. -- Jay Leno
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good ... Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
-- Jay Leno
Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day. -- Jay Leno
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name. -- Jay Leno
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. -- Jay Leno
The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country.They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty goodtrick considering they claim they don't even know where he is. -- Jay Leno
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly. -- Jay Leno
Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay. -- Jay Leno
Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard. -- Jay Leno
President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster? -- Jay Leno
British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut. -- Jay Leno
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. -- Jay Leno
A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. -- Jay Leno