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me - everything might just explode. I keep my eyes on the road. "You know what I like about you, Ultraviolet Remarkey-able? Everything." "But I thought you didn't like me." And then I look at her. She raises an eyebrow at me. I -- Jennifer Niven
Besides,in that instant we went plowing through the guardrail, my words died too. -- Jennifer Niven
Maybe it's better that she's locked away from the rest of the world. Maybe she's not cut out to live like other people with other people. Maybe she belongs in that house forever. -- Jennifer Niven
I hate you.
If only I'd known.
If only I'd been enough .
I let you down.
I wish I could have done something.
I should have done something.
Was it my fault?
Why wasn't I enough?
Come back.
I love you.
I'm sorry. -- Jennifer Niven
You make me love you,
And that could be the greatest thing my heart was ever fit to do ... -- Jennifer Niven
I'm five minutes late to Russian literature, where Mrs. Mahone and her wig assign us a ten-page paper on The Brothers Karamazov. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing suicides don't focus on is their wake. Not just your parents and siblings, but your friends, your girlfriends, your classmates, your teachers.' I like the way he seems to think I have many, many people depending on me, including not just one but multiple girlfriends. -- Jennifer Niven
Worthless. Stupid. These are the words I grew up hearing. They're the words I try to outrun, because if I let them in, until the only thing left of me is worthless stupid worthless stupid worthless stupid freak. And then there's nothing to do but run harder and fill myself with other words ... -- Jennifer Niven
set her glasses down on her dresser. "Thanks for the loan," I say. "But they make my head hurt. And they're ugly." I can almost hear her laughing. -- Jennifer Niven
The future is uncertain, but that can be a good thing. -- Jennifer Niven
There's no rush of having survived, only emptiness, and lungs that need air, and wet hair sticking to my face. -- Jennifer Niven
I open my eyes and sit straight up , gasping, filling my lungs. I'm happy no one's here to see me, because I'm sputtering and splashing and coughing up water. There's no rush of having survived, only emptiness, and lungs that need air, and wet sticking hair to my face -- Jennifer Niven
But that isn't why. The why is that none of it matters. Not school, not cheerleading, not boyfriends or friends or parties or creative writing programs or ... " She waves her arms at the world. "It's all just time filler until we die. -- Jennifer Niven
Now, if you asked him what he was going to do with himself, he'd tell you he guessed he might do anything he set his mind to. But he'd say it in a far-off way, as if he didn't really mean it or care much at all. -- Jennifer Niven
I want to say It's okay to be a person. We're all afraid. We all get hurt. It's okay to hurt. You'd be so much more likable if you just acted human. -- Jennifer Niven
Too many people in this world think small is the best they can do. Not you, Libby Strout. You weren't born for small! You don't know how to do small! Small is not in you! -- Jennifer Niven
He smiles at me, and for the first time I notice how blue his eyes are- like, bright-shy blue. -- Jennifer Niven
And for a long time I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, and I actually disappear before my eyes. I am disappearing. Maybe I'm already gone. -- Jennifer Niven
I should be happy, but instead I feel nothing. I feel a lot of nothing these days. I've cried a few times, but mostly I'm empty, as if whatever makes me feel and hurt and laugh and love has been surgically removed, leaving me hollowed out like a shell. -- Jennifer Niven
You have to live your life like you'll never be sorry. It's easier just to do the right thing from the start so there's nothing to apologize for. Not that I'm one to talk. -- Jennifer Niven
When it's my turn, I introduce myself as Josh Raymond, seventeen, no previous experience beyond my recent halfhearted experiment with sleeping pills. "The Jovian-Plutonian gravitational effect is life," I add, even though no one knows what this means -- Jennifer Niven
My father not only broke her heart, he pretty much shat all over her pride and self-worth. -- Jennifer Niven
The Parents, as my mother and father refer to Mr. Finch and Mrs. Finch, are insisting it was an accident, which, I guess, means we're free to mourn him out in the open in a normal, healthy, unstigmatised way. No need to be ashamed or embarrassed since suicide isn't involved. -- Jennifer Niven
Before I die I want to have kids. Live in London. Own a pet giraffe. Skydive. Divide by zero. Play the piano. Speak French. Write a book. Travel to a different planet. Be a better dad than mine was. Feel good about myself. Go to New York City. Know equality. Live. -- Jennifer Niven
This is my secret - that at any moment I might fly away. -- Jennifer Niven
Don't you want to know where I'd go if I could?" Not really, I think. "Where would you go if you could go anywhere?" It comes out bitchier than I mean for it to. He leans forward over the handlebars, eyes on me. "I'd go to Hoosier Hill with a beautiful girl." A -- Jennifer Niven
He's the kind of Finch who would stand on a building and think about jumping just because nothing scares him. He is seriously badass. -- Jennifer Niven
I remember her smile and her laugh when I was my best self and she looked at me like I could do no wrong and was whole. I remember how she looked at me the same way even when I wasn't. -- Jennifer Niven
The great thing about this life of ours is that you can be someone different to everybody. -- Jennifer Niven
Because in this house there's no such thing as being sick unless you can measure it with a thermometer -- Jennifer Niven
I do my best thinking at night when everyone else is sleeping. No interruptions. No noise. I like the feeling of being awake when no one else is. -- Jennifer Niven
As I dial 9-1-1, I think: He's not nowhere. He's not dead. He just found that other world. -- Jennifer Niven
I meant what I said to Embryo about drugs. We don't mix. What it comes down to for me is I have a hard enough time keeping control over my brain without something else getting in the way. -- Jennifer Niven
Besides, I kind of like my face intact like this, two eyes, one nose, one mouth, a full set of teeth, which, if I'm being honest, is one of my better features. -- Jennifer Niven
Love is truly the great manifesto; the urge to be, to count for something, and, if death must come, to die valiantly, with acclamation - in short, to remain a memory. -- Jennifer Niven
I remember him standing next to me at Hoosier Hill, smiling out at the ugly trees and the ugly farmland and the ugly kids as if he could see Oz. 'Believe it or not, it's actually beautiful to some people..' So I decide to see it through his eyes. -- Jennifer Niven
In those moments, none of it matters. It's like that stuff is happening to someone else because all you feel is dark inside, and that darkness just kind of takes over. You don't even really think about what might happen to the people you leave behind, because all you can think about is yourself. -- Jennifer Niven
This time I join him, and our voices drift together across the sleeping town. When -- Jennifer Niven
I have this feeling like I'm waiting for something. But I have no idea what -- Jennifer Niven
I can feel the apology in his fingers, and this takes the wind out of me, so I lean into him - just a little - and read over his shoulder. His hand is warm and I don't want to stop holding it. We -- Jennifer Niven
Sometimes, Ultraviolet, things feel true to us even if they're not. -- Jennifer Niven
For some reason, I don't like the way this sounds, as if a universe could exist in which I wouldn't know Finch. -- Jennifer Niven
What would I have said to him if I'd known I would never see him again? -- Jennifer Niven
My mouth is an inch from hers, and I wait for her to slap me or push me away, but then she closes her eyes, and that's when I know - I'm in. Okay -- Jennifer Niven
I'm broken, and no one can fix it. I've tried. I'm still trying. I can't love anyone because it's not fair to anyone who loves me back. I'll never hurt you ... But I can't promise I won't pick you apart, piece by piece, until you're in a thousand pieces just like me. -- Jennifer Niven
Right before my eyes, I could see my life going away from me and there was nothing I could do. -- Jennifer Niven
I wonder if this is the way it will be next year if I come to New York, or wherever I go - me trying to concentrate on college, on life, when all I'm doing is thinking about him. I wonder if he'll come with me, or if our built-in ending is high school. -- Jennifer Niven
I'd like to live in a world designed by Theodore Finch. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing I need most in this world is a long, hot shower, but what I get instead is a trickle of warm water followed by a blast of Icelandic cold -- Jennifer Niven
Water is peaceful. I am at rest. In the water, I am safe and pulled in where I can't get out. Everything slows down-the noise and the racing of my thoughts. -- Jennifer Niven
Sorry wastes time. You have to live your life like you'll never be sorry. It's easier just to do the right thing from the start so there's nothing to apologize for. -- Jennifer Niven
It's okay to laugh, you know. The earth's not going to split open. You're not going to hell. Believe me. If there's a hell, I'll be there ahead of you, and they'll be too busy with me to even check you in. -- Jennifer Niven
So what makes you angry?'
'Stupid people. Fake people. Mean people. Death. I worry about dying all the time. Like, all the time. -- Jennifer Niven
She and I have gotten to be kind of friendly, and that's making me very, very happy. Like stupidly happy. Like so-happy-my-friends-can't-stand-to-be-around-me happy. -- Jennifer Niven
It's true, after all, at least compared to him, and actually what he means is that I have bad luck with women. Something about going for the bitchy ones or the crazy ones or the ones who pretend not to know me when other people are around. -- Jennifer Niven
His hand is firm and warm, and somehow, big as it is, it fits with mine. -- Jennifer Niven
I want to get away from the stigma they all clearly feel just because they have an illness of the mind as opposed to, say, an illness of the lungs or blood. I want to get away from all the labels. "I'm OCD," "I'm depressed," "I'm a cutter," they say, like these are the things that define them. -- Jennifer Niven
Everyone in my life is a stranger, and that includes me. -- Jennifer Niven
Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. -- Jennifer Niven
You dress to please yourself. If she doesn't like you for you, then you don't need her.' All of this would be fine if I knew exactly who me for me was. -- Jennifer Niven
I guess you can be yourself, whatever that means-the best and worst of you. And they love you anyway. You can fight, but even when you're mad at them, you know they're not going to stop being your friend. -- Jennifer Niven
I can already feel myself falling hard, something I've been known to do. All because she smiled at me. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm trying out Theodore Finche, '80s kid, and seeing how he fits.
I fish through my desk for a cigarette, stick it in my mouth, and remember as I'm reaching for my lighter that Theodore Finch, '80s kid, doesn't smoke. God, I hate him, the clean-cut, eager little prick. -- Jennifer Niven
Did you kids have fun?" she asks, and we know she's hoping we'll beg for permission to never go there again. Decca -- Jennifer Niven
We alternate choosing places to go, but we also have to be willing to go where the road takes us. This means the grand, the small, the bizarre, the poetic, the beautiful, the ugly, the surprising. Just like life. But absolutely, unconditionally, resolutely nothing ordinary. -- Jennifer Niven
He leans forward over the handlebars, eyes on me. I'd go to Hoosier Hill with a beautiful girl. -- Jennifer Niven
It's just to talk. Nothing more. It's not like I'm hitting on you. Finch: Unless you want me to. Hit on you, I mean. Me: No. Finch: "No" you don't want me to come over? Or "no" you don't want me hitting on you? -- Jennifer Niven
There is only now, and if now is only two days, then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion. None of us knows how long we have, maybe another month, maybe another fifty years -I like living as if I only have two days -- Jennifer Niven
All this time, I thought it was her weight that made me see her.
But it's not her weight at all.
It's her. -- Jennifer Niven
By the time we're done, their guests have gathered outside to see the boy who must have flowers to give to the girl he loves. -- Jennifer Niven
But it was a damn good smile. A genuine one, which is hard to come by these days." -Finch -- Jennifer Niven
The air is full of things we aren't saying, and I wonder if he feels it too. -- Jennifer Niven
We tread water, looking at each other, and suddenly there's not enough water in the world to clean away my dirty thoughts. She -- Jennifer Niven
Instead, I pull out my wallet and hand Mrs. Carnes a twenty, which is the smallest I have, and she counts off the books. -- Jennifer Niven
There is only now,' he says, 'and if now is only two days, then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm not ready. These are the three magic words. I've discovered they can get you out of almost anything. -- Jennifer Niven
He says, " 'Lovely' is a lovely word that should be used more often. -- Jennifer Niven
Get out there and see your state. Go to museums and parks and historic sites. Get yourselves some culture so that when you do leave you can take it. -- Jennifer Niven
And even though the ache of that heartbreak hurts like hell, it's so much better than feeling nothing. -- Jennifer Niven
Across the seat our eyes are holding hands. -- Jennifer Niven
You know what I like about you, Finch? You're interesting. You're different. And I can talk to you. Don't let that go to your head."
... "You know what I like about you, Ultraviolet Remarkey-able? Everything. -- Jennifer Niven
elegance and euphoria -- Jennifer Niven
You can't always be fine. No one's always fine. And I know you're used to being on your own, and I know I should have been a better friend so that you didn't have to get used to being on your own, but I'm here now, and I wish you'd talk to me. -- Jennifer Niven
I skim through our notebook, thick with words, and then through our Facebook messages - so many now - and then I write a new one, quoting Virginia Woolf: Let us wander whirling to the gilt chairs. ... Are we not acceptable, moon? Are we not lovely sitting together here ... ? -- Jennifer Niven
There are no rules, because life is made up of too many rules as it is. -- Jennifer Niven
Violet Markey, I'd like to be your partner on this project. -- Jennifer Niven
Never bullshit a bullshitter. -- Jennifer Niven
You make me happy...
You make me special...
You make me lovely... -- Jennifer Niven
You saved my life. Why couldn't I save yours? -- Jennifer Niven
I try to tell it he might have meant "Just be careful when you have sex. Use a condom," but instead, because, you know, it's a brain, and therefore has - is - a mind of its own, it starts thinking of every way in which Violet Markey might break my heart. I -- Jennifer Niven
Extenuating Circumstances. That is me. That is Violet Markey. Poor forever-changed Violet and her Extenuating Circumstances. -- Jennifer Niven
In case you haven't noticed, we're already involved, Finch. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm broken too. -- Jennifer Niven
Are you totally into Violet Markey, like forever kind or the she's-interesting-for-right-now kind? -- Jennifer Niven
Violet Markey.There's more to you than meets the eye. -- Jennifer Niven
I love the thrill of impending, weightless doom ... -- Jennifer Niven
What were you doing up on that ledge?" It comes out a whisper.
"The same thing you were. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to imagine jumping off it. I wanted to leave all the shit behind. But when I did start to imagine it, I didn't like what it looked like. And then I saw you. -- Jennifer Niven
Suddenly I'm having one of those moments that you have after losing someone - when you feel as if you've been kicked in the stomach and all your breath is gone, and you might never get it back. I want to sit down on the dirty, littered ground right now and cry until I can't cry anymore. -- Jennifer Niven
And then I go up to my room, climb onto a chair, and contemplate the mechanics of hanging. -- Jennifer Niven
Just be careful implies that there's an end to it all, maybe in an hour, maybe in three years, but an end just the same. -- Jennifer Niven
You need shoving, not pushing. You need to jump back on that camel. Otherwise you're going to stay up on the ledge you've made for yourself. -- Jennifer Niven
I've always thought you should be able to freeze time. This way you could hit the Pause button at a really good point in your life so that nothing changes -- Jennifer Niven
Like everything else that doesn't last, today is gone now, but it was a pretty good day. -- Jennifer Niven
Gentlemen are rare. They're like virgins or leprechauns. -- Jennifer Niven
We can't fight another person's battle, no matter how much we want to. -- Jennifer Niven
I am carried off. We yield to this slow flood ... In and out, we are swept; ... we can not step outside its sinuous, its hesitating, its abrupt, its perfectly encircling walls. -- Jennifer Niven
The only way around it is to stay with one guy forever. But does forever have a built-in ending ... ? -- Jennifer Niven
The wall is a place to keep track of thoughts, as fast as they come, and remember them when they go away. Anything interesting or weird or even halfway inspired goes up there. -- Jennifer Niven
My beloved boat is broken on the rocks of daily life. I've paid my debts and no longer need to count pains I've suffered at the hands of others. The misfortunes and the insults. Good luck to those who remain. -- Jennifer Niven
Guys like Ryan Cross have a way of reminding you who you are, even when you don't want to remember. -- Jennifer Niven
There's a chill in the air that feels like winter, or at least the start of it. This is my least-favorite time of year because everything dies or goes to sleep, and there's too much death and stillness, and the sky turns gray for so long, you think it will never be blue again. -- Jennifer Niven
Dear friend, You are not a freak. You are wanted. You are necessary. You are the only you there is. Don't be afraid to leave the castle. It's a great big world out there. Love, a fellow reader -- Jennifer Niven
And in that moment there's nothing I fear except losing hold of her hand. -- Jennifer Niven
But come to think of it, after a lifetime of feeling too much, maybe there's actually something to be said for fast and sudden. -- Jennifer Niven
This is my secret
that any moment I might fly away. Everyone on earth but me
and now Violet
moves in slow motion, like they're filled with mud. We are faster than all of them. -- Jennifer Niven
I am broken. I am fraud. I am impossible to love. -- Jennifer Niven
Drive anywhere and everywhere, even when there's nowhere to go. (Note: There's always somewhere to go.) -- Jennifer Niven
Positive ones go on the wall, negative on the floor over there. He points to this heap of paper. It's important to get those down but they don't need to stick around after you do -- Jennifer Niven
Her eyes are warm, but her mouth is sad. -- Jennifer Niven
This is what happens when people die. They start to disappear if you don't watch it. Not all at once, but a piece here, a piece there. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing I can't, won't, mention to him is that I see Finch everywhere - in the hallways at school, on the street, in my neighborhood. Someone's face will remind me of him, or someone's walk or someone's laugh. It's like being surrounded by a thousand different Finches. I wonder if this is normal, -- Jennifer Niven
You shouldn't spend all your time worrying about the love that leaves, because then you might overlook the love that was always there. -- Jennifer Niven
This is the single loveliest thing anyone's ever done for me. It's movie lovely. It feels somehow epic and fragile, and I wand the night to last forever, and knowing it can't already has me sad. -- Jennifer Niven
The problem with people is they forget that most of the time it's the small things that count. -- Jennifer Niven
Violet says, 'Are you okay now?' Her hair is windblow and her cheeks are flushed. Whather she likes it or not, she seemes happy. I take a good long look at her. -- Jennifer Niven
I love the world that is my room. It's nicer in here than out there, because in here I'm whatever I want to be ... I am fearless. I am free. I am safe. -- Jennifer Niven
Everyone know of him. Some people hate him because they think he's weird and he gets into fights and gets kicked out of school and does what he wants. Some people worship him because he's weird and he gets into fights and gets kicked out of school and does what he wants. -- Jennifer Niven
I should mention that I am a brilliant deflector. So brilliant that I could get a full scholarship to college and major in it, except why bother? I've already mastered the art. -- Jennifer Niven
I am broken and no one can fix it -- Jennifer Niven
I am broken. I am a fraud. I am impossible to love. -- Jennifer Niven
I'd rather be judged on what I can do instead of who I'm not. -- Jennifer Niven
Writing was what I did best, better than being a daughter or girlfriend or sister. Writing was me. But now writing is one of the things I can't do. -- Jennifer Niven
You made me feel gold,flowing too.I love you.Ultraviolet Remarkey-able. -- Jennifer Niven
All I know is what I wonder: Which of my feelings are real? Which of the mes is me? There is only one me I've ever really liked, and he was good and awake as long as he could be. -- Jennifer Niven
This is followed by laughter because we're in high school, which means we're predictable and almost everything is funny, especially if it's someone else's public humiliation. -- Jennifer Niven
One entire wall is covered in pictures and Post-it notes and napkins and torn pieces of paper. -- Jennifer Niven
I know there's more in there, probably years of shit you've been smiling away and keeping down. -- Jennifer Niven
It is 3:38 a.m., and the time of night when my mind starts running around all wild and out of control, like my cat, George, when he was a kitten. -- Jennifer Niven
The world after a war is a good world, I told myself. A happy world. A secure world. In this world, I might do anything. -- Jennifer Niven
Actually,standing next to you makes it feel as high as Everest. -- Jennifer Niven
At least it feels that way standing here with you." He closes his blue eyes and breathes in. When he opens them again, he says, "Actually, standing next to you makes it feel as high as Everest." I -- Jennifer Niven
I learned that there is good in this world, if you look hard enough for it. I learned that not everyone is disappointing, including me, and that a 1,257-foot bump in the ground can feel higher than a bell tower if you're standing next to the right person. -- Jennifer Niven
Stars in the sky, stars on the ground. It's hard to tell where the sky ends and the earth begins. I feel the need to say something grand and poetic, but the only thing I come up with is It's lovely. -- Jennifer Niven
You are the most amazing person I've ever met. You're different. You're you. Always. Who else can say that except maybe Seth Powell, and he's an idiot. You, Libby Strout, are not an idiot. -- Jennifer Niven
I think about [ ... ] black holes and blue holes and bottomless bodies of water and exploding stars and event horizons, and a place so dark that light can't get out once it's in -- Jennifer Niven
The cadence of suffering has begun - Cesare Pavese
I
am
in
pieces. -- Jennifer Niven
I love the world that is my room. -- Jennifer Niven
You have been in every way all that anyone could be. ... If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. -- Jennifer Niven
In that moment, I'm thankful I'm not a parent and I wonder if I ever will be. What a terrible feeling to love someone and not be able to help them. -- Jennifer Niven
Like most people in the Midwest, Embryo doesn't believe in humor, especially when it pertains to sensitive subjects. -- Jennifer Niven
Do I feel I should be punished? Yes. Why else would I have given myself bangs? -- Jennifer Niven
He smiles out at the ugly trees and the ugly farmland and the ugly kids as if he can see Oz. As if he can really, truly, see the beauty that's there. -- Jennifer Niven
When you're looking back, you can't look forward. And sometimes you run smack into something and hit your head. -- Jennifer Niven
There are different ways to die. There's jumping off a roof and there's slowly poisoning yourself with the flesh of another every single day. -- Jennifer Niven
It's the kind of smile you smile when you're thinking someone over and trying to decide how you feel about them. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm not a vain person, but I am human... -- Jennifer Niven
Tell her what she wants to hear.
But I don't because suddenly I can't do it anymore. She's exhausting and I'm exhausting, and we're exhausting. I've been telling her what she wants to hear for the past four years. -- Jennifer Niven
Sometimes in the darkest places, we find the brightest light. -- Jennifer Niven
On my bed, I sit down and flip through the cut-up books one by one, reading all the cut-up passages. -- Jennifer Niven
I try to concentrate on the words, on the melody, but then she starts searching through songs, and this feels like my brain - fragments of words, fragments of melodies, fragments of moments, fragments of things. -- Jennifer Niven
Is today a good day to die? -- Jennifer Niven
We don't ever leave that old world behind. We just create a new one. -- Jennifer Niven
And then, because I'm now the one thinking too much, and because she is different from all other girls and because I really, really don't want to screw this up, I concentrate on kissing her on the banks of the Blue Hole, in the sunshine, and I let that be enough. -- Jennifer Niven
I feel homesick for this London I left behind. -- Jennifer Niven
You're actually not a bad guy, Jack Masselin. But I'm not sure you know it yet. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm sorry about Finch. He was a good, screwed up kid who should have had more help." "I feel responsible. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm broken, and no one can fix it. -- Jennifer Niven
You are a survivor, and as that unwelcome designation implies, your survival - your emotional survival - will depend on how well you learn to cope with your tragedy. The bad new: Surviving this will be the second worst experience of your life. The good news: The worst is already over. -- Jennifer Niven
You're probably better at math than I am, because pretty much everyone's better at math than I am, but it's okay, I'm fine with it. See, I excel at other, more important things - guitar, sex, and consistently disappointing my dad, to name a few. -- Jennifer Niven
Angry at him for leaving without a word, angry at myself for being so easy to leave and for not being enough to make him want to stick around. -- Jennifer Niven
I thought of the pieces of me I'd left behind, a piece here, a piece there, scattered like bread crumbs. How much of me was left? -- Jennifer Niven
I can barely hear her because I am trapped in my mind and body, shivering and afraid. I suddenly feel like I have face blindness because no one looks familiar or nice, and my eyes are flying all over the gym, searching for help. -- Jennifer Niven
Because it's not a lie if it's how you feel. -- Jennifer Niven
I've learned the hard way that the best thing to do is say nothing about what you're really thinking. If you say nothing, they'll assume you're thinking nothing, only what you let them see. -- Jennifer Niven
I thought I could wait, but I can't. Sorry. -- Jennifer Niven
At times such as this, it becomes more important for art to survive. -- Jennifer Niven
Im used to slowing down so that everyone else can catch up -- Jennifer Niven
Sometimes there's beauty in the tough words - it's all in how you read them. -- Jennifer Niven
I thought: Just one step. One step at a time. You don't have to do them all at once. -- Jennifer Niven
I like writing, but I like a lot of things. Maybe out of those things, I'm best at writing. Maybe it's what I like best of all. Maybe it's where I've always felt most at home. Or maybe the writing part of me is over. Maybe there's something else I'm supposed to do instead. I don't know. -- Jennifer Niven
I close the doors and yank off my sweater, and she pulls off her shirt, and I say, "You are driving me crazy. You have been driving me crazy for weeks." My -- Jennifer Niven
You are driving me crazy. You have been driving me crazy for weeks. -- Jennifer Niven
Theodore Finch, April 3. Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away! -- Jennifer Niven
Sometimes all I did all day was just wander around in my mind. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing about eating is that there are so many other more interesting things to do. I feel the same way about sleeping. Complete wastes of time. -- Jennifer Niven
You can't stop living. -- Jennifer Niven
the smile of a man who has a new wife and a new son and a new house and two new cars and who only has to put up with his old, original kids for another hour or two. -- Jennifer Niven
You know what? Why don't we just forget it? Why don't I go by myself? I think I'd rather go alone anyway. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing is, they were all perfect days. -- Jennifer Niven
If you're not careful, you're going to run into someone angrier than you. -- Jennifer Niven
I can feel the worries fading away. I'm relaxed and happy - happier than I've been in a while. I am in the moment. I am here. -- Jennifer Niven
On all sides of us, spread out below, are little white lights and black pockets of trees. Stars in the sky, stars on the ground. It's hard to tell where the sky ends and the earth begins. I hate to admit it, but it's beautiful. -- Jennifer Niven
Along those lines, accept any and all thoughts (don't be afraid of them no matter what they are). -- Jennifer Niven
He throws his arms out over his head, fists clenched, and shouts: 'Open your eyes and look at me! I'm right bloody here!' He shouts all the things he hates and wants to change until his voice is hoarse. Then he nods over at me. 'Your turn. -- Jennifer Niven
People can be great, but they can also be lousy. I am often lousy. But not completely lousy. You, Libby Strout, are great. -- Jennifer Niven
He is angry at the world outside this house, and that makes me love him even more. -- Jennifer Niven
I don't know what brings you up here, but to me the town looks prettier and the people look nicer and even the worst of them look almost kind. -- Jennifer Niven
Too much of my life feels like this already- trying to recycle something old into something new and better, disguising someone else's trash as some fresh, shiny thing. -- Jennifer Niven
I looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror. Some lipstick would go with this truck, I thought. -- Jennifer Niven
Sometimes you got to just feel, especially when it comes to music. Notes, scales, they just get in the way. -- Jennifer Niven
Will you want me just as much when I'm fifteen feet nine inches? -- Jennifer Niven
You might expect me to say "life," having just woken up and all, but it's only when I'm awake that I think about dying. -- Jennifer Niven
He kisses me again and leans sexily against the door, as if he knows how good he looks. -- Jennifer Niven
I know the way you move. I know the way you look at me. I see you see me, and you're the only one who looks at me that way. Whether I'm with you or away from you, I don't have to think about it or put the puzzle pieces together. It's just you. That's what I know. -- Jennifer Niven
Before I die I want to count for something. Be the person I'm meant to be and have that be enough. Know what it's like to have a best friend. Matter. -- Jennifer Niven
The happy times went away for a while, but they're coming back -- Jennifer Niven
As for the rest of you, remember this: YOU ARE WANTED. Big, small, tall, short, pretty, plain, friendly, shy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself. Especially yourself. -- Jennifer Niven
Libby Strout." His mouth and eyes are serious. I don't think I've ever seen him so serious. "You are wanted. -- Jennifer Niven
No one can lock you back in, Libby. You choose whether you let them. -- Jennifer Niven
Libby Strout, you deserve to be seen. -- Jennifer Niven
The sun was catching his hair and lighting him up from the outside, and love was lighting him up from the inside. -- Jennifer Niven
Your hope lies in accepting your life as it now lies before you, forever changed. If you can do that, the peace you seek will follow. Forever changed. I am forever changed. -- Jennifer Niven
We all have a shelf life. -- Jennifer Niven
Even monkeys recognize each other -- Jennifer Niven
I run for miles but don't count them, passing dark house after dark house. I feel sorry for everyone in this town who's sleeping. I -- Jennifer Niven
What if life could be this way? Only the happy parts, none of the terrible, not even the mildly unpleasant. What if we could just cut out the bad and keep the good? This is what I want to do with Violet - give her only the good, keep away the bad, so that good is all we ever have around us. -- Jennifer Niven
Maybe. Maybe not. Whether it's filler or not, I'm pretty glad to be here." If there's anything I've learned, it's that you need to make the most of it. "It mattered enough for you not to jump. -- Jennifer Niven
Better to keep the unhappy, mad, bad, unpleasant words separate, where you can watch them and make sure they don't surprise you when you're not expecting them -- Jennifer Niven
I run until time stops. Until my mind stops. -- Jennifer Niven
We are all alone, trapped in these bodies and our own minds, and whatever company we have in this life is only fleeting and superficial. -- Jennifer Niven
Never bullshit a bullshiter -- Jennifer Niven
Hope you're keeping the dust out of your eyes and your feet off the ground. -- Jennifer Niven
My mama's purpose had been to love and to be loved. -- Jennifer Niven
For a minute, I can feel it: the sense of peace as my mind goes quiet, like I'm already dead. I am weightless and free. Nothing and no one to fear, not even myself. -- Jennifer Niven
I remember being so full of pain and anger that I wished nothing but tongue-burning on everyone who hurt me, especially Moses Hunt. But here's the thing- Merricat poisoned her entire family. The only crime I committed was being fat. -- Jennifer Niven
But if a human was to avoid all life-threatening diseases and infections and accidents, he - or she - should live to be a hundred and fifteen. -- Jennifer Niven
You need shoving, not pushing. -- Jennifer Niven
This is what i need, i think. A change of scenery. -- Jennifer Niven
I feel the way his hand,warm and firm,fits around mine.He may keep changing,but that never does. -- Jennifer Niven
What a terrible feeling to love someone and not be able to help them.
Actually, I know exactly how that feels. -- Jennifer Niven
We never know how long we have. We're never guaranteed tomorrow. I could die right now, right here. -- Jennifer Niven
People either see me or they don't. -- Jennifer Niven
Last night is like a puzzle - only not put together: all the pieces are scattered everywhere and some are missing. I wish my heart wouldn't beat so fast. -- Jennifer Niven
Written on the wall behind them was: 'Blues for the body, food for the soul. -- Jennifer Niven
Theodore Finch - I was alive.I burned brightly.And then I died,but not really.Because someone like me cannot,will not,die like everyone else.I linger like the legends of the Blue Hole.I will always be here,in the offerings and people I left behind. -- Jennifer Niven
How can something so final happen in an instant? No preparation. No warning. No chance to do all the things you planned to do. No chance to say goodbye. -- Jennifer Niven
Maybe because the human body was built to float. -- Jennifer Niven
I think of my own epitaph, still to be written, and all the places I'll wander. No longer rooted, but gold, flowing. I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me. -Violet -- Jennifer Niven
Ultraviolet Remarkey-able,I think I love you. -- Jennifer Niven
And then she kisses me. It's the kind of kiss that makes me lose track of everything, and so it may take hours or minutes by the time we break apart. -- Jennifer Niven
What a terrible feeling to love soemone and not be able to help them. -- Jennifer Niven
I want you to know I'm rooting for you.' Sometimes we need to hear that, even from a stranger. -- Jennifer Niven
Come on. Let me have it. Don't disappear in there.' I mean inside herself, where I'll never get to her. -- Jennifer Niven
He writes Before I die I want to and draws a line. He writes it again. Then he writes it a dozen more times. After we fill these up, we can keep going on the front of the building and down the other side. It's a good way to figure out just why we're here. -- Jennifer Niven
I can be both of us at once so no one will have to miss her, most of all me. I I -- Jennifer Niven
If you try to carry everything around all the time, pretty soon you end up flat on your back in bed, too big to get up or even turn over. -- Jennifer Niven
Labels like "bipolar" say This is why you are the way you are. This is who you are. They explain people away as illnesses. -- Jennifer Niven
'suicide victim' is an interesting term. The victim part of it implies they had no choice. And maybe Finch didn't feel like he had a choice ... -- Jennifer Niven
I try not feel jealous of the fact that he's been checking in with them but not me. After all, they're his family. I'm only me, the most important person in his life, for a while at least. -- Jennifer Niven
It's the suddenness of life changing in an instant that makes me anxious when I sleep and makes me tell myself to breathe when I'm awake. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm always amazed by people and their sleep. I wouldn't ever sleep if I didn't have to. -- Jennifer Niven
If that blue could stay for ever; if that hole could remain for ever. There was nothing to make him last. -- Jennifer Niven
I think of something my mom used to say, about how as scary as it is to go after dreams, it's even scarier not to. -- Jennifer Niven
You're no hero. You're a coward. You only saved them from yourself. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing I realize is, that it's not what you take, it's what you leave. -- Jennifer Niven
For a second, I think he's going to kiss me. For a second, I want him to. -- Jennifer Niven
Be careful with that heart of yours -- Jennifer Niven
If only world leaders would get laid well and regularly, the world's problems might disappear. -- Jennifer Niven
I wanted to write something tough, hard, sad, but funny. -- Jennifer Niven
If there's one thing i know, it's that no one can promise anything. -- Jennifer Niven
One of the worst things a pretty girl can say to a fat girl is You look really pretty. -- Jennifer Niven
He mutters something that sounds like and probably is fat whore. It doesn't matter that I'm a virgin. I should have had sex a thousand times by now for all the boys who've been calling me this since fifth grade. -- Jennifer Niven
I feel a lot of nothing -- Jennifer Niven
You make me lovely, and it's so lovely to be lovely to the one I love. ... -- Jennifer Niven
People rarely bring flowers to a suicide. -- Jennifer Niven
If anyone can make it to another world, it's Theodore Finch. -- Jennifer Niven
I like to think that the colors and sounds and words have nothing to do with him, that they're all me and my own brilliant, complicated, buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, godlike brain" -Finch -- Jennifer Niven
My hand feels cold without his. -- Jennifer Niven
before i die i want to matter -- Jennifer Niven
I've always been different, but to me different is normal. i decide on a version of the truth. -- Jennifer Niven
Yesterday at this time, I didn't even know her. -- Jennifer Niven
this isn't a season of death but one of living -- Jennifer Niven
But I bring it up to let you know that this is the way I feel right now. Like Pluto and Jupiter are aligned with the earth and I'm floating. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm still here, and I'm grateful, because otherwise I would be missing this. Sometimes it's good to be awake. -- Jennifer Niven
Violet smiles back.Immediately,I feel better,because she feels better and because of the way she smiles at me,as if I'm not something to be avoided. -- Jennifer Niven
There was nothing to make him last a long time. -- Jennifer Niven
Every book I read and every movies I watched seems to give out the same message: high school is the worst experience you can ever have. -- Jennifer Niven
Loss does that, hits you out of the blue. You can be in the car or in class or at the movies, laughing and having a good time, and suddenly it's as if someone has reached directly into the wound and squeezed with all their might. -- Jennifer Niven
I have songs to write and songs to sing and planes to fly and I want to see my old yellow truck again. -- Jennifer Niven
And wham! Suddenly. Just like that. I'm completely conscious of his guyness next to me. -- Jennifer Niven
What would happen if one of those elements malfunctioned or just stopped working altogether? -- Jennifer Niven
Over my desk, I've got this enormous bulletin board, and on it I've tacked black-and-white photographs of writers at work. -- Jennifer Niven
This is what I know about loss. It doesn't get better. You just get (somewhat) used to it. -- Jennifer Niven
I can't think of anything more depressing than to be an Egyptian high priest on display next to a set of vintage wagon wheels and a two-headed chicken. -- Jennifer Niven
It's my experience that people are a lot more sympathetic if they can see you hurting, and for the millionth time in my life I wish for measles or smallpox or some other easily understood disease just to make it easier on me and also on them. -- Jennifer Niven
It is a new year....It is time to get...back on the camel"
-Mr.Black -- Jennifer Niven
It's about the important things, like the way their face lights up when they laugh, or the way they move as they're walking towards you, or the way their freckles create a map of the stars. -- Jennifer Niven
For what it's worth, you showed me something, Ultraviolet - there is such a thing as a perfect day. -- Jennifer Niven
If he really loves you, he'll find a way. -- Jennifer Niven
If you think something is wrong, speak up. You are not alone. It is not your fault. Help is out there. -- Jennifer Niven
You are all the colors in one, at full brightness. -- Jennifer Niven
Maybe even the smallest places mean something. -- Jennifer Niven
The bad moments always have a way of coming around again, way too soon. -- Jennifer Niven
I wish my heart wouldn't beat so fast. -- Jennifer Niven
Every forty seconds, someone is left behind to cope with the loss. -- Jennifer Niven
Overdrive for a girl I barely know, all because she's the first person I've met who seems to speak my language. A few words of it anyway. -- Jennifer Niven
I am the best dancer ever. I am a superstar. The shoes are magic. My feet are magic. I am magic. -- Jennifer Niven
You are all the colours in one, at full brightness. -- Jennifer Niven
But what if hope had a threshold? What if there was a limit to it? What if each of us was only given a certain amount and mine was used up? -- Jennifer Niven
Since I stopped writing, I read more than ever. Other people's words, not my own
my words are gone. -- Jennifer Niven
The Slow Club is playing,a band I like,all plucky and bitter-sweet and kind of offbeat.Like Finch,I think.Like us. -- Jennifer Niven
I think what an amazing world this would be if we all danced everywhere we went. -- Jennifer Niven
it's time I fear. -- Jennifer Niven
Before I die, I want to...be the person I'm meant to be and have that be enough. -- Jennifer Niven
And maybe Finch didn't feel like he had a choice, or maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself at all but just going in search of the bottom. But I'll never really know, will I? Then -- Jennifer Niven
If you walk away, don't come back. You don't get to do that and come back. -- Jennifer Niven
You make me love you... -- Jennifer Niven
By the way? For what it's worth, you showed me something, Ultraviolet - there is such a thing as a Ariana Grande day. -- Jennifer Niven
Just be careful with that heart of yours. -- Jennifer Niven
Ut maybe even the smallest places mean something. And if not, maybe they can mean something to us. -- Jennifer Niven
But not sorry I love you because I could never be sorry for that. -- Jennifer Niven
We're all weird and damaged in our own way. You're not the only one. -- Jennifer Niven
I just sat there letting that music cover me like a big, cozy blanket. -- Jennifer Niven
Apparently, I'm tragic and dangerous. -- Jennifer Niven
As tough as she is, she wants to believe in something. -- Jennifer Niven
Write (this includes any thoughts I don't want to have - write them out fast so they're out of me and on the paper). -- Jennifer Niven
For the most part, the people are the same. Everyone wants something to believe in. Everyone wants someone to love. -- Jennifer Niven
He either doesn't hear me or isn't listening -- Jennifer Niven
Before I die I want to . -- Jennifer Niven
A lake. A prayer. It's so lovely to be lovely in Private -Finch -- Jennifer Niven
There's a built-in ending to everything in the world, right? -- Jennifer Niven
These kids who never did anything to anyone except be born with different brains and different wiring, -- Jennifer Niven
They're the words I try to outrun, because if I let them in, they might stay there and grown and fill me up and in, until the only thing left of me is worthless stupid worthless stupid worthless stupid freak. -- Jennifer Niven
I do it so it feels real. -- Jennifer Niven
You know, that's what you've been doing in a way--coming out. Coming out of your room. Coming out of your house. Coming out of your shell. -- Jennifer Niven
Have you ever done something you regretted?'
'Does last year's school picture counts? -- Jennifer Niven
I didn't know that my life forever changing would be because you loved me and then left, and in such a final way. -- Jennifer Niven
The thing about sleeping is that there are so many other more interesting things to do. Complete waste of time -- Jennifer Niven
Except that only small people- the inside-small kind- don't like you to be big. -- Jennifer Niven
Music did that to me, just like God was supposed to, because music seemed both magic and holy. -- Jennifer Niven
Me: It's late.
Finch: That depends on who you ask. See, I don't necessarily think it's late. I think early. Early in our lives. Early in the night. Early in the new year. If you're counting, you'll notice the earlys outnumber the lates. -- Jennifer Niven
Maybe it isn't the room that's different. Maybe it's me. -- Jennifer Niven
If a song's meant to stay around, you carry it with you in your bones. -- Jennifer Niven
I'm a fuckup. I'm broken, and no one can fix it. -- Jennifer Niven
Growing fourteen inches in a summer is easy. It's growing out of a label that's hard. -- Jennifer Niven
The last wandering -- Jennifer Niven
When we're in the act of wandering, we need to be present, not watching though a lens. -- Jennifer Niven
If there was one thing I hated in this world, it was folks who told you that you couldn't do something. -- Jennifer Niven
Jealousy is a mean, unpleasant feeling that only eats you from the inside, -- Jennifer Niven
No more winter at all. Finch, you brought me spring. -- Jennifer Niven
With face blindness, I seem to constantly lose the people I love. -- Jennifer Niven
Better to be the hunter than the hunted. Even if you're hunting yourself. -- Jennifer Niven
Do whatever it takes to remind myself that I'm still here and have a say. -- Jennifer Niven
This time will be different. This time, I will stay awake. -- Jennifer Niven
In that moment, I wish I could see it through his eyes. I wish he had glasses to give me. -- Jennifer Niven
She puts one leg in the car and says, "I guess now you know you're not the only freak." It's the nicest thing she's ever said to me. -- Jennifer Niven
It's strange seeing his eyes in someone else's face -- Jennifer Niven
I feel sorry for everyone in this town who's sleeping. -- Jennifer Niven
There was nothing to make him last. -- Jennifer Niven
Me: How can I want you then when I don't want you now? -- Jennifer Niven
Ladies and gentlemen," I shout, "I would like to welcome you to my death! -- Jennifer Niven
I mean, I know but I don't. I've always been different, but to me different is normal. -- Jennifer Niven
One year later, I grew out of my clothes because, it turns out, growing fourteen inches in a summer is easy. It's growing out of a label that's hard. Which -- Jennifer Niven
People like Theodore Finch don't die.He's just wandering. -- Jennifer Niven
Believe it or not, it's actually beautiful to some people. -- Jennifer Niven
Even when we weren't wandering, even from the floor of your closet, you showed the world to me. -- Jennifer Niven
I forgive everyone and ask forgiveness of everyone -- Jennifer Niven
Velva Jean, sometimes dreams change, either because they have to or because life has something else in mind for you. -- Jennifer Niven
Who cares for Algebra?
Who delights in solving math?
I only want to live my life
Along the creative path. -- Jennifer Niven
I will always be here, in the offering and people I left behind. -- Jennifer Niven
I am on the highest branch.
We are written in paint.
I believe in signs.
The glow of Ultraviolet.
A lake. A prayer. It's so lovely to be lovely in Private. -- Jennifer Niven
I prayed maybe he hadn't seen me after all, that maybe he'd taken off after a sinner or a squirrel, instead. -- Jennifer Niven
Or we can make out. -- Jennifer Niven
We can't always see what others don't want us to. Especially when they go to great lengths to hide it -Mr. Embry -- Jennifer Niven
Disguise the pain. Don't call attention. Don't be noticed. -- Jennifer Niven