Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Jerry Seinfeld, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Jerry Seinfeld quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 285 Jerry Seinfeld quotes for you to read and share.
The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life. -- Jerry Seinfeld
All magic is 'Here's a quarter, now it's gone. You're a jerk. Now it's back. You're an idiot. Show's over.' -- Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I could do that! He's not that good. -- Jerry Seinfeld
What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.' -- Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.' -- Jerry Seinfeld
You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' -- Jerry Seinfeld
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME! -- Jerry Seinfeld
No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves. -- Jerry Seinfeld
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it." -- Jerry Seinfeld
For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity - I just don't want to do that. -- Jerry Seinfeld
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me -- Jerry Seinfeld
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. -- Jerry Seinfeld
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't you at least die with a little dignity? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. -- Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking. -- Jerry Seinfeld
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?" -- Jerry Seinfeld
I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. -- Jerry Seinfeld
A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens. -- Jerry Seinfeld
All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away." -- Jerry Seinfeld
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The best revenge is living well. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. -- Jerry Seinfeld
When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I'd get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking. -- Jerry Seinfeld
And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that ... it's an amazing way to begin a sentence. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! -- Jerry Seinfeld
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track. -- Jerry Seinfeld
When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication ... Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,"Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting ... Which is more important, the present or the future?" -- Jerry Seinfeld
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I am so busy doing nothing ... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message. -- Jerry Seinfeld
It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved -- Jerry Seinfeld
When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. -- Jerry Seinfeld
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.
Jerry Seinfeld to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people. -- Jerry Seinfeld
In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is, -- Jerry Seinfeld
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. -- Jerry Seinfeld
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't understand women at all.
Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root ... and still be afraid of a spider. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired. -- Jerry Seinfeld
We got the hot fudge on the bottom ... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... " -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide. -- Jerry Seinfeld
A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -- Jerry Seinfeld
[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. -- Jerry Seinfeld
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later. -- Jerry Seinfeld
People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba. -- Jerry Seinfeld
A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes. -- Jerry Seinfeld
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire -- Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I like money, but it's never been about the money. -- Jerry Seinfeld
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. -- Jerry Seinfeld
People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?" -- Jerry Seinfeld
Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love the day date. No wine, no shower. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? -- Jerry Seinfeld
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space? -- Jerry Seinfeld
When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.' -- Jerry Seinfeld
A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Work is the least important thing and family is the most important. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper? -- Jerry Seinfeld
When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20 ... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I like definitive things. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' -- Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. -- Jerry Seinfeld
What the hell, I'll just eat some trash. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason -- Jerry Seinfeld
It's like having ... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is! -- Jerry Seinfeld
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. -- Jerry Seinfeld
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I am freaking out! I am freaking out -- Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love being a dad. I just love it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love advertising because I love lying. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!! -- Jerry Seinfeld
Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. -- Jerry Seinfeld
That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with. -- Jerry Seinfeld
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I am speechless: I have no speech -- Jerry Seinfeld
Stand-up is hard. -- Jerry Seinfeld
People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have -- Jerry Seinfeld
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Economy is essential to all good art. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son -- Jerry Seinfeld
The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world ... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go. -- Jerry Seinfeld
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them. -- Jerry Seinfeld
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as love for the whole family. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people. -- Jerry Seinfeld
So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. -- Jerry Seinfeld
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Success is the enemy of comedy. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! -- Jerry Seinfeld
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that. -- Jerry Seinfeld
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Festivus for the Restivus! -- Jerry Seinfeld
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives. -- Jerry Seinfeld
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind -- Jerry Seinfeld
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff." -- Jerry Seinfeld
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters. -- Jerry Seinfeld
i chose not to run -- Jerry Seinfeld
Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic, -- Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? -- Jerry Seinfeld
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? -- Jerry Seinfeld
You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day -- Jerry Seinfeld
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The biggest laugh has to come at the end. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.
-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee -- Jerry Seinfeld
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable. -- Jerry Seinfeld
You can be passionate about anything. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is ... trapped. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I was the best man at the wedding ... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? -- Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Maybe if we lie down our brains will work. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in. -- Jerry Seinfeld
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I like to try anything ... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are. -- Jerry Seinfeld
This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little. -- Jerry Seinfeld
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Men want to make women happy. -- Jerry Seinfeld
That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity. -- Jerry Seinfeld
As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. -- Jerry Seinfeld
See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them. -- Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? -- Jerry Seinfeld
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. -- Jerry Seinfeld
These pretzels are making me thirsty! -- Jerry Seinfeld
Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Why would anybody want a friend? -- Jerry Seinfeld
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. -- Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. -- Jerry Seinfeld
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society. -- Jerry Seinfeld
The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit. -- Jerry Seinfeld
We're all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light [camera] comes on. -- Jerry Seinfeld
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more! -- Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. -- Jerry Seinfeld
It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I have a problem with that strong>sstrong>ilver medal. It'strong>sstrong> like, 'Congratulation strong>sstrong>, you almostrong>sstrong>t won. Of all the lostrong>sstrong>erstrong>sstrong>, you're the number one lostrong>sstrong>er. No one lostrong>sstrong>t ahead of you.' -- Jerry Seinfeld
On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!' -- Jerry Seinfeld