Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Jon Stewart, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Jon Stewart quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 415 Jon Stewart quotes for you to read and share.

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No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns. -- Jon Stewart
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Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot. -- Jon Stewart
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Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?' ... -- Jon Stewart
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[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree. -- Jon Stewart
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Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song. -- Jon Stewart
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It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. -- Jon Stewart
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How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience. -- Jon Stewart
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Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'. -- Jon Stewart
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I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. -- Jon Stewart
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I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud. -- Jon Stewart
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You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights. -- Jon Stewart
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People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. -- Jon Stewart
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When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa. -- Jon Stewart
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I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire. -- Jon Stewart
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Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon. -- Jon Stewart
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After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.' -- Jon Stewart
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Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year. -- Jon Stewart
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Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. -- Jon Stewart
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It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs. -- Jon Stewart
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If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. -- Jon Stewart
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Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia! -- Jon Stewart
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I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something. -- Jon Stewart
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. -- Jon Stewart
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My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh. -- Jon Stewart
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Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty. -- Jon Stewart
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Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns ... the writers are back! -- Jon Stewart
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What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have "traffic lights." We're sorry. The government's not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone. -- Jon Stewart
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Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. -- Jon Stewart
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President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent. -- Jon Stewart
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I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion -we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay? -- Jon Stewart
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Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? -- Jon Stewart
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I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic. -- Jon Stewart
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Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US. -- Jon Stewart
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Does anyone know ... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because ... uh ... you've all been in charge pretty much since ... uh ... what was that guys name ... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success. -- Jon Stewart
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Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration. -- Jon Stewart
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New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song. -- Jon Stewart
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America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless ... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil. -- Jon Stewart
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How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up. -- Jon Stewart
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In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a ... well, yes I am. -- Jon Stewart
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Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting. -- Jon Stewart
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I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around. -- Jon Stewart
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Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
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Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. -- Jon Stewart
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Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even. -- Jon Stewart
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A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off." -- Jon Stewart
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What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages. -- Jon Stewart
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The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust ... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians. -- Jon Stewart
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If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may? -- Jon Stewart
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We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. -- Jon Stewart
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There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! -- Jon Stewart
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The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle. -- Jon Stewart
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I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency. -- Jon Stewart
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Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop? -- Jon Stewart
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As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy. -- Jon Stewart
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People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have. -- Jon Stewart
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I have the liberal dictionary right here ... let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.' -- Jon Stewart
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Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm less upset with politicians than [with] the media. I feel like politicians ? the way I explain it, is when you go to a zoo and a monkey throws feces, it's a monkey. But when the zookeeper is standing right there and he doesn't say, 'Bad monkey' ? somebody's gotta be the zookeeper. -- Jon Stewart
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Technology. It's like science, only useless. -- Jon Stewart
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Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken. -- Jon Stewart
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The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote ... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. -- Jon Stewart
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By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there's no guarantee ... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream. -- Jon Stewart
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My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower. -- Jon Stewart
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I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen. -- Jon Stewart
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If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. -- Jon Stewart
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Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything. -- Jon Stewart
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It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo ... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey. -- Jon Stewart
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Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. -- Jon Stewart
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I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it. -- Jon Stewart
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You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect. -- Jon Stewart
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Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. -- Jon Stewart
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The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons. -- Jon Stewart
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Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. -- Jon Stewart
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I don't think marijuana should be illegal. -- Jon Stewart
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Everyone just needs to get over themselves. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is this - there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minelli. -- Jon Stewart
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High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake. -- Jon Stewart
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If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. -- Jon Stewart
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You're tired of hearing about it? (racism) Imagine how freaking tiring it must be living through it. -- Jon Stewart
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I watch a lot of astronaut movies ... Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist. -- Jon Stewart
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The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party -- Jon Stewart
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? -- Jon Stewart
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The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful. -- Jon Stewart
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If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. -- Jon Stewart
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People that worry about where they think they're going next generally don't end up where they think they're going. I just worry about what I'm doing now and try to make it good. When you've got too much of a master plan, it's going to fail. -- Jon Stewart
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The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. -- Jon Stewart
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If everything is amplified, we hear nothing. -- Jon Stewart
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I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity. -- Jon Stewart
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The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor, -- Jon Stewart
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We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there. -- Jon Stewart
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A Trump was a demon who sometimes appeared to us in quasi-human form in order to fire us from jobs we never wanted in the first place. -- Jon Stewart
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I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had? -- Jon Stewart
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Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go. -- Jon Stewart
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Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string. -- Jon Stewart
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The Vietnam war was fought over portion size. -- Jon Stewart
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President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing. -- Jon Stewart
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Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. -- Jon Stewart
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They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking. -- Jon Stewart
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Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain -- Jon Stewart
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The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry. -- Jon Stewart
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You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards. -- Jon Stewart
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Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President ... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding. -- Jon Stewart
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As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36) -- Jon Stewart
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Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again. -- Jon Stewart
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[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire. -- Jon Stewart
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If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance -- Jon Stewart
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More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. -- Jon Stewart
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Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy ... -- Jon Stewart
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Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn. -- Jon Stewart
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We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. -- Jon Stewart
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Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. -- Jon Stewart
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Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due. -- Jon Stewart
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It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else. -- Jon Stewart
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The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!' -- Jon Stewart
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The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith. -- Jon Stewart
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We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day! -- Jon Stewart
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Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house. -- Jon Stewart
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Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. -- Jon Stewart
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A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' -- Jon Stewart
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That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling. -- Jon Stewart
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Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight. -- Jon Stewart
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I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything. -- Jon Stewart
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You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. -- Jon Stewart
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And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough. -- Jon Stewart
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I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness. -- Jon Stewart
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Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious! -- Jon Stewart
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Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart.". -- Jon Stewart
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Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway. -- Jon Stewart
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The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church. -- Jon Stewart
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I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part." -- Jon Stewart
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Clearly, I'm way older than everyone. -- Jon Stewart
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Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves! -- Jon Stewart
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Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes. -- Jon Stewart
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We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music. -- Jon Stewart
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That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil. -- Jon Stewart
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I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of? -- Jon Stewart
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9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ... no Congress can make just one. -- Jon Stewart
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At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech? -- Jon Stewart
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Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance. -- Jon Stewart
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Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die. -- Jon Stewart
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Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man. -- Jon Stewart
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At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news. -- Jon Stewart
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Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. -- Jon Stewart
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That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material. -- Jon Stewart
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What good are images if people understand them? -- Jon Stewart
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I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs. -- Jon Stewart
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Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people. -- Jon Stewart
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To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. -- Jon Stewart
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What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do? -- Jon Stewart
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When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition. -- Jon Stewart
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The Republicans are calling the Democrats' plan to have a deadline for US troop withdrawal from Iraq an 'admission of failure', as opposed to the Republican plan which is 'failure without admission'. -- Jon Stewart
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It's like hunting cows -- Jon Stewart
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I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. -- Jon Stewart
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Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN. -- Jon Stewart
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If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? -- Jon Stewart
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[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader. -- Jon Stewart
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You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. -- Jon Stewart
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Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? -- Jon Stewart
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I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day. -- Jon Stewart
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There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is. -- Jon Stewart
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So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff. -- Jon Stewart
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Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do. -- Jon Stewart
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Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter. -- Jon Stewart
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Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. -- Jon Stewart
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I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology. -- Jon Stewart
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I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that. -- Jon Stewart
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We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful. -- Jon Stewart
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Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay. -- Jon Stewart
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Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash. -- Jon Stewart
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Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard. -- Jon Stewart
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Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin. -- Jon Stewart
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Sometimes it's hard to face your own ... life. -- Jon Stewart
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You cannot judge a book by its contents. -- Jon Stewart
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They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven? -- Jon Stewart
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It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason. -- Jon Stewart
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If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem. -- Jon Stewart
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We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. -- Jon Stewart
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How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up? -- Jon Stewart
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Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable. -- Jon Stewart
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It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods. -- Jon Stewart
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The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker. -- Jon Stewart
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We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first. -- Jon Stewart
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Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented. -- Jon Stewart
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Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates. -- Jon Stewart
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This show is our own personal beliefs. -- Jon Stewart
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Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger. -- Jon Stewart
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The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too. -- Jon Stewart
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The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor. -- Jon Stewart
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You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want. -- Jon Stewart
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Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool! -- Jon Stewart
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I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. -- Jon Stewart
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Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented. -- Jon Stewart
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Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator.' You can't even use the word 'rich.' You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.' -- Jon Stewart
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I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once. -- Jon Stewart
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The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball ... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never. -- Jon Stewart
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The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B. -- Jon Stewart
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They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans. -- Jon Stewart
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Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve. -- Jon Stewart
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I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building. -- Jon Stewart
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Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it! -- Jon Stewart
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Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.' -- Jon Stewart
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When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do? -- Jon Stewart
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My friend Bill O'Reilly is completely full of sh*t. -- Jon Stewart
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[Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms. -- Jon Stewart
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If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. -- Jon Stewart
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And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k. -- Jon Stewart
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Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son. -- Jon Stewart
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Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. -- Jon Stewart
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Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts. -- Jon Stewart
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You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning. -- Jon Stewart
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Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey -- Jon Stewart
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What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I? -- Jon Stewart
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Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again. -- Jon Stewart
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If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out. -- Jon Stewart
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As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off. -- Jon Stewart
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The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. -- Jon Stewart
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In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it? -- Jon Stewart
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Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces. -- Jon Stewart
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On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks. -- Jon Stewart
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Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that. -- Jon Stewart
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Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible? -- Jon Stewart
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When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? -- Jon Stewart
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College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency. -- Jon Stewart
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No one is better at not beating America than England. -- Jon Stewart
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Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office. -- Jon Stewart
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What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square ... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?" -- Jon Stewart
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There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations. -- Jon Stewart
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Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica. -- Jon Stewart
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No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey. -- Jon Stewart
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Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. -- Jon Stewart
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It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways. -- Jon Stewart
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Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it. -- Jon Stewart
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If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. -- Jon Stewart
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If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? -- Jon Stewart
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Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.

Those fighting to keep those people out - are. -- Jon Stewart
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The country of Mexico has just gotten its first Taco Bell. You're Welcome. Finally, Mexicans will have access to ... Mexican food. Bon appetit. I can't imagine how confused they will be when they get a taco. -- Jon Stewart
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I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world. -- Jon Stewart
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Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail. -- Jon Stewart
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Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle. -- Jon Stewart
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Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating. -- Jon Stewart
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Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee Operation Masturbate. -- Jon Stewart
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Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'. -- Jon Stewart
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Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness. -- Jon Stewart
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Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case ... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward. -- Jon Stewart
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If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American
our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. -- Jon Stewart
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I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. -- Jon Stewart
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McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. -- Jon Stewart
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Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based. -- Jon Stewart
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Oh my god ... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him. -- Jon Stewart
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I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus. -- Jon Stewart
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We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck. -- Jon Stewart
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I only quote Rabbinical text .. there is no dark secret .. there is no hidden agenda .. I'm merely an arbiter of biblical law. -- Jon Stewart
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When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds. -- Jon Stewart
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Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people. -- Jon Stewart
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If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent - you're just not allowed in it. -- Jon Stewart
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You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror." -- Jon Stewart
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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. -- Jon Stewart
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In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole. -- Jon Stewart
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That is the American experiment. An ethnic group arriving on America's shores, to be reviled and hazed, living in squalor, or if they are lucky Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to sh*t on the next group landing on our shores. -- Jon Stewart
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[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit. -- Jon Stewart
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By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. -- Jon Stewart
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Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. -- Jon Stewart
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Here it is ... your moment of zen. -- Jon Stewart
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The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. -- Jon Stewart
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But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them. -- Jon Stewart
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Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. -- Jon Stewart
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I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege, -- Jon Stewart
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So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No. -- Jon Stewart
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When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty." -- Jon Stewart
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I want a sandwich named after me. -- Jon Stewart
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Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line. -- Jon Stewart
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Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions? -- Jon Stewart
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If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another. -- Jon Stewart
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Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president! -- Jon Stewart
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The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now. -- Jon Stewart
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I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them. -- Jon Stewart
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Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons. -- Jon Stewart
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Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t. -- Jon Stewart
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Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK. -- Jon Stewart
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I feel like [God]'s hazing us. -- Jon Stewart
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Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done. -- Jon Stewart
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I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. -- Jon Stewart
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The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not. -- Jon Stewart
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The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. -- Jon Stewart
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Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic. -- Jon Stewart
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As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being. -- Jon Stewart
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You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? -- Jon Stewart
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Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government -- Jon Stewart
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If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!? -- Jon Stewart
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Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer. -- Jon Stewart
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Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild. -- Jon Stewart
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Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, fair and balanced? Why, that's snide! Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan You Can Depend on CNN. Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference? -- Jon Stewart
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Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it. -- Jon Stewart
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It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name ... I have found. -- Jon Stewart
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Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic. -- Jon Stewart
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The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. -- Jon Stewart
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'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for? -- Jon Stewart
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If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.' -- Jon Stewart
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Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. -- Jon Stewart
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You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! -- Jon Stewart
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To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. -- Jon Stewart
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We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics. -- Jon Stewart
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Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people. -- Jon Stewart
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Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science. -- Jon Stewart
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This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite. -- Jon Stewart
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Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing. -- Jon Stewart
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The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling. -- Jon Stewart
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President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth. -- Jon Stewart
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Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in. -- Jon Stewart
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I can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's ... I wish we could be saying that. That's exactly the way we see it and that's exactly the way we'd like to be saying that." And I always think, "Well, why don't you?" -- Jon Stewart
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It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs. -- Jon Stewart
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There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship. -- Jon Stewart
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You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream. -- Jon Stewart
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Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. -- Jon Stewart
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If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while? -- Jon Stewart
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Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. -- Jon Stewart
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Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool? -- Jon Stewart
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I have become increasingly unnerved by the depth of corruption that exists at many different levels. I'm less upset with politicians than [with] the media. -- Jon Stewart
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The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot. -- Jon Stewart
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Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11. -- Jon Stewart
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If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children. -- Jon Stewart
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Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary. -- Jon Stewart
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I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. -- Jon Stewart
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No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation. -- Jon Stewart
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New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack. -- Jon Stewart
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We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside. -- Jon Stewart
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The government that governs best, governs best! -- Jon Stewart
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In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in. -- Jon Stewart
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People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!' -- Jon Stewart
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Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with. -- Jon Stewart
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The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious. -- Jon Stewart
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The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame. -- Jon Stewart
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Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves. -- Jon Stewart
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Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts ... -- Jon Stewart
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That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973. -- Jon Stewart
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It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts ... until they see a witch. -- Jon Stewart
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Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition? -- Jon Stewart
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There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is. -- Jon Stewart
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The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!' -- Jon Stewart
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You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another. -- Jon Stewart
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I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. -- Jon Stewart
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[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode. -- Jon Stewart
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In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home. -- Jon Stewart
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You're your own play. -- Jon Stewart
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Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists. -- Jon Stewart
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I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would. -- Jon Stewart
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When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty. -- Jon Stewart
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It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. -- Jon Stewart
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With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World. -- Jon Stewart
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Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed. -- Jon Stewart
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It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son. -- Jon Stewart
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Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap. -- Jon Stewart
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[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move. -- Jon Stewart
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We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. -- Jon Stewart
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It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan. -- Jon Stewart
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Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America. -- Jon Stewart
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A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. -- Jon Stewart
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The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. -- Jon Stewart
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Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote. -- Jon Stewart
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(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first. -- Jon Stewart
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Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America. -- Jon Stewart
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Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children ... It's all summed up in his campaign slogan, 'Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cutting violence in half with a laser-guided chain gun across a charred landscape - for the children.' -- Jon Stewart
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Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high? -- Jon Stewart
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So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke. -- Jon Stewart
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I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. -- Jon Stewart
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Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped. -- Jon Stewart
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I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. -- Jon Stewart
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Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay. -- Jon Stewart
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I feel your scorn, and I accept it. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success". -- Jon Stewart
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I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. -- Jon Stewart
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[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever. -- Jon Stewart
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Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now. -- Jon Stewart
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The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed. -- Jon Stewart
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You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. -- Jon Stewart
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I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. -- Jon Stewart
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I kid because I'm on basic cable. -- Jon Stewart
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We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people. -- Jon Stewart
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As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable. -- Jon Stewart
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I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys. -- Jon Stewart
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Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra. -- Jon Stewart
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Ah, the first rule of public speaking
always start with a joke. -- Jon Stewart
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I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on. -- Jon Stewart
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Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? -- Jon Stewart
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Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman. -- Jon Stewart
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Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work. -- Jon Stewart
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If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for. -- Jon Stewart
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I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head. -- Jon Stewart
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If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance. -- Jon Stewart
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Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. -- Jon Stewart
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They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. -- Jon Stewart
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I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us. -- Jon Stewart
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I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles. -- Jon Stewart
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President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. -- Jon Stewart
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Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly. -- Jon Stewart
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61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians. -- Jon Stewart
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I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. -- Jon Stewart
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Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior? -- Jon Stewart
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What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president? -- Jon Stewart
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California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils. -- Jon Stewart
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Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone. -- Jon Stewart
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In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. -- Jon Stewart
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The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan. -- Jon Stewart
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I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' -- Jon Stewart
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It's a wonder our country doesn't implode. -- Jon Stewart
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You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly ... F
you. -- Jon Stewart
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I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth. -- Jon Stewart
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Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. -- Jon Stewart
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I have a lot of hostility. -- Jon Stewart
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I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. -- Jon Stewart
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I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. -- Jon Stewart