Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Kevin Hearne, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Kevin Hearne quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 343 Kevin Hearne quotes for you to read and share.
I hurt in places I didn't know were places. -- Kevin Hearne
People today think ancient Egypt was ineffably cool. I blame this misconception on hieroglyphics and (to a lesser extent) on the Bangles. -- Kevin Hearne
Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk. -- Kevin Hearne
If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you. -- Kevin Hearne
You can't put your fist through a man's wood and expect him to forgive and forget. -- Kevin Hearne
Giving a witch your body fluids is akin to slicing off a choice cut of your buttocks and offering it to a werewolf. -- Kevin Hearne
Falling in love is like that: you always feel like a dumbass at some point, even if you know it's coming - it's unavoidable. -- Kevin Hearne
I don't speak Otter, ya dumbass. What are ya waitin' for? Get over here so we can get back to the rez. Unless I'm talkin' to a real otter, in which case I'm the dumbass and you can just stay over there. I -- Kevin Hearne
I just shook hands with a naked goddess. What was that she called you? She-ya-han? Does that mean dumbass in Old Irish or something? -- Kevin Hearne
Poison?" she (Granuaile)said,"I hope it isn't iocane powder. -- Kevin Hearne
I had my own dump truck of bad karma waiting for me somewhere ahwad. I had certainly earned it, but I raced to avoid it if I could; there was no way I wanted to fell that. -- Kevin Hearne
We banked around until we found a rainbow in the dark. It was on this occasion that I discovered that Granuaile had never heard of Ronnie James Dio. My shock at this news was such that I almost completely missed the fact that we were traveling on Bifrost, the rainbow bridge to Asgard. -- Kevin Hearne
We don't need to play her witch's games. They always want to get you and your little dog, too." "I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz." "Toto didn't deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny. -- Kevin Hearne
Unidentified hole, please shut it and inspect yourself. Continue to talk and you will be ignored. -- Kevin Hearne
Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete! -- Kevin Hearne
The Celtic ideal for clothing was that it had to be easy to move in if you needed to fight and easy to take off if you wanted a quickie. -- Kevin Hearne
So my free advice is to always find something to love and to make you laugh - something that will keep you in the here and now. Hounds are good at it, and they work for me. They may or may not work for you. -- Kevin Hearne
Turns out that once you kill a god, people want to talk to you. Paranormal insurance salesmen with special "godslayer" term life policies. Charlatan's with "godproof" armor and extraplanar safe houses for rent. But most notably, other gods ... -- Kevin Hearne
She didn't go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that's only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion. -- Kevin Hearne
You know how people are always threatenin' to shove this or that up someone's ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there's a new story gonna be told 'round the fire: 'How Coyote Shoved An Arrow Up A Fallen Angel's Ass. -- Kevin Hearne
There are only three things you can do when something falls from the sky,' my archdruid used to say. 'Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you.' Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me. -- Kevin Hearne
Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body. -- Kevin Hearne
Will you tell me about Genghis Khan's whores while I'm in the bath?" "Hordes, not whores. He had both, though, now that you mention it." "Sounds like he was a busy guy." You have no idea. -- Kevin Hearne
My God, Atticus, you look like you had an orgy with egg yolks and orange juice." "We might need a loofah," I admitted. "Dare I ask what happened?" "An Olympian exploded on us and it was yucky. -- Kevin Hearne
But sometimes we do things that make no sense except in some arcane calculus hidden in our emotions. -- Kevin Hearne
I find the college children delightful. I would like to have a drink with them too." "No, Leif, you want to drink of them, and they can sense that subconsciously because you radiate this predatory aura. -- Kevin Hearne
The royal hound's belly demands rubbing. Step lively, humans, neglect me not."
~Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
What's a fracking Cylon? -- Kevin Hearne
Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?"
"Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon."
"What's a frakkin' Cylon?"
"I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent. -- Kevin Hearne
You're going to need a dann big can of big spray! Or maybe a rocket-propelled grenade. I have one in the garage, you want it? -- Kevin Hearne
And there were carved hearts in the trunks of trees with the initials of couples who felt there was no more romantic thing they could do to celebrate their love than scar the local plant life -- Kevin Hearne
[I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?] -- Kevin Hearne
Trees are always the cure for your modern bollocks. -- Kevin Hearne
Oh, I know. They're dwarfs pretending to be elves.
No, they're not dwarfs either.
Okay, okay, they're "little people," I'm sorry! Can't believe I have to be politically correct when you're the only one who can hear me. -- Kevin Hearne
I think life is like a ham bone if you live it right. You enjoy it and then you bury it when you're finished. If you don't enjoy it and let it go to waste you still have to bury it, so you might as well savor everything you can. -- Kevin Hearne
An Druides be, thanne answere me: whos love in Eire is moste fyn and fre?" Herne
"whether in bedde or in feeld do ye meet, Flidais awaiteth your limbes to greet." Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
When he said to give him the sword, I don't think he meant for you to stick it in his guts. -- Kevin Hearne
He could focus my attention on how perfectly sublime life can be at times. Such moments are ephemeral, and without his guidance I might have missed many of them, working so hard to get somewhere that I would fail to recognize when I had arrived. -- Kevin Hearne
I am light and free and my path ahead is smooth and wide through a land of burgeoning promise. -- Kevin Hearne
I wanted to say, "I'm the Doctor and this is my companion," but I doubted Sophie was a fan of the long-running BBC series. Forget the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor's best gadget was the psychic paper. I can't tell you how many times I wished I had some. -- Kevin Hearne
A son of a Jedi Knight? I thought the Jedi weren't allowed such relationships."
That wrung an half ironic grin out of me. "Guess I'm not allowed, then. -- Kevin Hearne
Huh ... guess they didn't want a cracker after all. Another myth BUSTED -- Kevin Hearne
Do you think I'm some sort of sex-starved loser?" "Well, you are American." "What!" Great festering tapir tits, that was a stupid thing to say. -- Kevin Hearne
Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon."
"They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian."
"No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process."
"Well that ... that's just wrong, Atticus!Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center! -- Kevin Hearne
Vader deactivated his lightsaber, picked up the comm, opened the channel, and let the sound of his respirator carry over the connection. -- Kevin Hearne
Occasionally I am smitten with an acute case of Smug. It can happen to anyone, but it happens most often to people who think they've been especially clever. -- Kevin Hearne
Now, I know I am not a craftsmen... but greatness is in the act of creation and not necessarily in the finished product. Creating is the yin to the yang of our consumption and the doorway to beauty that we all want to walk through. Creating is how I tell the world I love it." ~ Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me. -- Kevin Hearne
Hopefully next time I won't be recovering from an assassination attempt, and then I'll do better. -- Kevin Hearne
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death, / And if ever there was it led forward life ... / All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses, / And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier. -- Kevin Hearne
They'll have to bring in Mulder an' Scully, because there ain't no CSI on the planet that'll ever be able to explain this. -- Kevin Hearne
Leif stared at me, utterly still, the way only vampires and pet rocks can manage. -- Kevin Hearne
Am I not a fearsome enemy?"
"You frighten me primally. -- Kevin Hearne
Aside from cutting off her head, though, I didn't really mean to kill her."
Granuaile laughed. "You know I'm on your side, but to an objective listener, that sounds like a less than convincing argument. -- Kevin Hearne
Silly dark elves. Earth is for Druids. -- Kevin Hearne
Three gods, two Druids, and a selkie walk into a bar ... -- Kevin Hearne
Druids were supposed to be forces of preservation, not destruction, and I could not dance around the fact that my stupid pride had turned me into a misbegotten cockwaffle. -- Kevin Hearne
Filled with a new sense of purpose, I downed half my coffee at one draught. It was good, strong stuff, the kind that Louis L'Amour used to say could float a horseshoe. Nobody ever drank weak coffee in his books. It was probably why they were so anxious to shoot people at high noon. -- Kevin Hearne
When in doubt, blame the dark elves. -- Kevin Hearne
My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor. -- Kevin Hearne
We saw Leif to the door and wished him farewell. Time to hit the hay for the last time in this old house, I told my hound as I closed the door on the vampire. All right, buddy. What'll it be? -- Kevin Hearne
Oberon perked up, Awesome! I've never seen a base model elf before! But they come with bonus dudes? -- Kevin Hearne
There is always a price to pay for badassery. Neo was a badass in the Matrix and the Matrix Reloaded, but the price he had to pay was The Matrix Revolutions. -- Kevin Hearne
My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. "That moving cactus ... and the big bug ... and you, you spooky bastard. What are you?
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course. -- Kevin Hearne
Gaia has left us wonder wherever we go, if we only open our eyes to it." ~ Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
Since I've become a Druid, I've seen some pretty weird shit, Atticus," Granuaile said, "but Beardy Baggins there squaring off against Squid Head McGee in the snow might be the weirdest. -- Kevin Hearne
When in doubt, know your way out, I always say."
"I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'"
"Well, yeah, that too."
Oberon said. -- Kevin Hearne
Yes. It's our duty to remember the dead. And our duty to let them go. -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus, I think we're being stalked by the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock. First it was a Vulture adn now two giant ravens are coming our way. Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
Our minds are all that defend us from the horror of the void. The majority of the time we simply think about something-anything-else, and that itself is an act of defiance against the vast nothing of the universe. -- Kevin Hearne
I beamed at him. "You're my favorite sea god, you know." "Aw, get your nose out of me arse. Just make life interestin' as ye promised. -- Kevin Hearne
My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely - a creature they'd known for centuries - because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus. -- Kevin Hearne
The mad fucker just laughed that insane laugh and pulled his sword out of his ass. Zeus, now afflicted with acute pietism, gasped and asked him to do that again. Jupiter slapped him to to the ground, and yelled for him to get his priorities in order. -- Kevin Hearne
The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility. -- Kevin Hearne
You ever notice the rampant child neglect going on in faery tales" ~ Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
Are you telling me you're lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire? -- Kevin Hearne
On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy
Krueger.
Granuaile MacTiernan -- Kevin Hearne
Chased by Polish curses that seemed to Doppler-shift bizarrely into "Never Gonna Give You Up," and after I thought of it I couldn't believe I'd just rickrolled myself. -- Kevin Hearne
So this means you're spoiling me right?
Can't Help it. You're the best hound ever.
Oberon's tail thumped a few times and his mouth partially opened, seeming to smile at me. -- Kevin Hearne
The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh! -- Kevin Hearne
Other people in my life right now, who help me forget all the other people I have buried or lost: They are truly magic for me. -- Kevin Hearne
She's kind of like a Mary Poppins just before she turns to the dark side of the Force," Oberon said. He was still behind the counter, but he had a good lok at her as she exited. "Let go of your anger, Malina! There's still good in you! The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully! -- Kevin Hearne
misbegotten cockwaffle. -- Kevin Hearne
Archdruid used to say. "Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you." Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me. I had -- Kevin Hearne
What I'd truly been avoiding was love, the strongest binding there is, and the pain that scrapes at your insides when the bond is forcefully broken. -- Kevin Hearne
Manannan's door-cum-portal -- Kevin Hearne
That was opportunity knocking. Rising -- Kevin Hearne
They were lounging, in fact, in an almost ostentatious manner, as if to say to passersby like myself, Look uponst my exquisite lounging, foolish mortal, and mourn that you will never lounge with such cosmopolitan savoir faire. -- Kevin Hearne
Cunning is better than running. -- Kevin Hearne
Anyone with a cursory knowledge of mythology knows that it is suicidal to sexually harass a goddess. Look what Artemis did to that guy who stumbled across her bathing. -- Kevin Hearne
People still need to know that ye would fix everything if ye could. -- Kevin Hearne
Bitch," he growls, immediately grasping for the world that most men do when they encounter a woman they can't control. -- Kevin Hearne
I just starred at him like he was trying to sell me the Sham-wow and the Slapchop for only $19.99 -- Kevin Hearne
It's best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia."
{Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.} -- Kevin Hearne
Like many silly codes of bravery and manliness, the meat of my father's instruction on how to die well can be distilled to a simple slogan: Die angry at maximum volume. (Dying silently is out of the question; the world's last Druid should not go gentle into that good night.) During -- Kevin Hearne
Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass. -- Kevin Hearne
[ ... ] we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just like normal consultants. -- Kevin Hearne
Oberon said as we walked inside. You don't offer werewolves treats if you want to keep all your appendages. They think it's undignified and degrading to be offered a treat. I beg your pardon? No. You just made all of that up. -- Kevin Hearne
We should make a pit trap with spikes in the bottom. You make the pit and I'll make the spikes. -- Kevin Hearne
My first time in Madagascar was awesome because lemurs are kind of funny; they throw fruit at the back of your head when you're not looking and then point at one another when you turn around. -- Kevin Hearne
It was one of those decisions you make when you have too much testosterone bubbling around in your system, or when you've been raised in a culture of ridiculous machismo, as I was. -- Kevin Hearne
Thunder gods don't hide."
The Russian shrugged. "I am not like Thor. I have Russian depth of character. And I like to help people, not hurt them. Usually I help with vodka. You want some? -- Kevin Hearne
Is monstrous fuckpuddle,' Perun asserted, and everyone turned to stare at him with equal parts amusement and bemusement. 'What? Is this not English word?' I suggested that if it wasn't a word, it should be, and the others agreed. -- Kevin Hearne
Revenge and rational thought never sleep together. -- Kevin Hearne
I jumped up and down and swore violently in seventeen languages. -- Kevin Hearne
This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here. -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus:I found it difficult not to grin like a geek at a Trekkie convention. -- Kevin Hearne
To steer from the passenger seat. I sniggered. You have -- Kevin Hearne
I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I'm kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I'll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on. -- Kevin Hearne
She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five. -- Kevin Hearne
You should learn Polish and read Szymborska! -- Kevin Hearne
They say, 'You know nothing, Jon Snow. -- Kevin Hearne
That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him -- Kevin Hearne
No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet."
"Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally."
"I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down. -- Kevin Hearne
Behind me, I heard my apprentice growl, All your base are belong to us, Niko. -- Kevin Hearne
I still didn't know quite what the witches were capable of. The threshold could be booby-trapped or enchanted. I could be walking into a cage fight with a demon. Hell, she could open the door with a Glock 9 in her hand and put a bullet in my ear, or throw a cat at me, or call me a damn hippie. -- Kevin Hearne
Wooo!' he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. 'That's good stuff.'
I agreed heartily. 'Shall we do another one?' I asked.
'Oh no,' Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. 'This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do? -- Kevin Hearne
Careful with that ego, you could knock somebody over. Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
There's a reason Bath & Body Works doesn't have a line of products called Huge Fucking Squirrel. -- Kevin Hearne
You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can't understand what that means until you've read a few chapters and your eyes have glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator. Sophie and the six crewmen might have understood -- Kevin Hearne
Like the honey badger, the werewolf takes what it wants. -- Kevin Hearne
Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you're doing a shot with Jesus, you don't buy him scotch. -- Kevin Hearne
Are you going to kick somebody's ass?
I don't know. Maybe.
Well, I'm not going to worry. I've watched you spar with that martial arts dummy in the backyard lots of times, and you always win.
Thanks, buddy. I'll see you soon. -- Kevin Hearne
I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments. -- Kevin Hearne
You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress. -- Kevin Hearne
I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently. -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus "three kinds of cat shit, Oberon."
Oberon "and an arrogant family of squirrels. -- Kevin Hearne
The witch obviously wanted my help with something, and I could only assume that she wanted a new body to inhabit. But I didn't have any of those currently in stock, and bodies were one of the few things you couldn't buy (yet) on Amazon. -- Kevin Hearne
Morrigan "What are guilt ferrets:"
Atticus "They're bastards. They cling to your neck and tickle and bite and generally make you miserable, which is a pretty good trick for a metaphor."
They were also impervious to logic, perhaps their most diabolical power. -- Kevin Hearne
I promptly forgot about him and prepared a blend of Creativi-Tea, since I had some fantasy role-players coming in for their weekly dungeon crawl, and the DM always wanted a little something extra to keep him on top of his players. -- Kevin Hearne
Other times escape our notice, slipping by while we are preoccupied, and we do not appreciate their enormity until it's too late to do anything but regret that we had not paid more attention in the present. -- Kevin Hearne
The victors' view of history rarely matches that of the vanquished. -- Kevin Hearne
There's anything I learned from studying philosophy, it's that everything turns to shit - but -- Kevin Hearne
Celibacy is a terrible idea, adhered to by people who hate themselves and want everyone else to do the same. You should do what you want to do, you know. -- Kevin Hearne
The Morrigan's ideas of sport and mine varied widely. As a Chooser of the Slain, she tends to enjoy nothing so much as a protracted war. She hangs out with Kali and the Valkyries and they have a death goddesses' night out on the battlefield. -- Kevin Hearne
I should like to take this opportunity to name you Sherlock and point out that there is no shit. -- Kevin Hearne
If I waved that in front of a museum curator, he'd promptly lose control of his salivary glands. -- Kevin Hearne
Underneath their human guises, they looked like the typical faery - that is, no wings, scantily clad and kind of man-pretty like Orlando Bloom's Legolas ... -- Kevin Hearne
There are some sights that, once seen, can never be unseen. They replay themselves on a loop in your mind's home-theatre system with Dolby surround sound until you're so desperate to be rid of them that you'll resort to other loops simply to dislodge them for a while. -- Kevin Hearne
Horns honked in our wake, and people stomped on their brakes at the sight of a black Mustang being pursued by an airborne chariot. -- Kevin Hearne
I am Snugglepumpkin. Hear me roar -- Kevin Hearne
And the Morrigan, I noted, had been right about thrice-cursed trickster gods. They were torrential fucksluices spraying their happy juices on the innocent and the damned alike. -- Kevin Hearne
You will respect my authori-tah!' Oberon said, in a passable imitation of Eric Cartman. I reminded him that I needed to concentrate. Sometimes dogs forget; they just get too excited. -- Kevin Hearne
Being immortal did not make me invincible. Look at what the Bacchants did to that poor Orpheus fella. -- Kevin Hearne
Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer. -- Kevin Hearne
The universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility. You -- Kevin Hearne
Hakko Drazlip and the Tootle Froots. -- Kevin Hearne
It is a catalyst for suicide and untold other acts of selfishness and stupidity. I cannot think of a more poisonous emotion. -- Kevin Hearne
Their numbers swell like viruses until they madden someone with a large army. -- Kevin Hearne
Excellent plan. Atticus out. -- Kevin Hearne
Technology is always perfectly dependable until it isn't. -- Kevin Hearne
You're tell me those are gnomes pretending to be dwarfs pretending to be elves? Are you trying to play Six Degrees of Bilbo Baggins again? -- Kevin Hearne
I hope that if I ever travel two thousand years into the future, there will still be bacon. -- Kevin Hearne
The essence of Druidry is training the mind to both handle contradictory input and construct contradictory output.'
What? Oh. Well
'I continued to lecture a bit more, to disguise the fact that I was getting my ass handed to me by my dog. -- Kevin Hearne
PR guys get paid to make people believe that a pile of shit is an investment in soil fertility. Professional liars."
"Ah!"
Manannan's expression lit with comprehension. "They are politicians? -- Kevin Hearne
Come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
For now, bread and mead call us, appetites whetted, to witness what I have been nursing, encased in iron, licked by flame, and tended with relish. -- Kevin Hearne
poxy shitweasel, -- Kevin Hearne
Missing people in our lives are like wounds we reopen with thoughts. -- Kevin Hearne
When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it? -- Kevin Hearne
Bring it,muthafuckas.Bring it. -- Kevin Hearne
Dude is that was a Shakespeare quote duel, he just kicked your ass. Oberon
I know, but I slipped in some T.S.Eliot and he didn't even catch it. Hopefully next time I wont be recovering from an assassination attempt, and then I'll do better. - Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
I think "The Boondock Saints", because the Irish guys win. Plus the cat ends badly. It affirms my worldview and I feel validated. -- Kevin Hearne
The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around. -- Kevin Hearne
All the earth wants ye to do is thrive, and ye feel that love whenever ye contact an elemental. -- Kevin Hearne
My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da. -- Kevin Hearne
Granuaile shook her head. "No, it's gross. You are such a guy sometimes."
Isn't he a guy all the time? (Oberon)
She's not saying I'm occasionally female. She's implying that I'm shallow.
Oh, I know. So why did she say only sometimes? (Oberon) -- Kevin Hearne
We should be going in there with a thousand naked warriors who fight like wet cats with dodgy bowls. -- Kevin Hearne
I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.'
'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the first night home from the
hospital -- Kevin Hearne
I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes. -- Kevin Hearne
It is best to know when to keep your salami in your pants and when to pull it out, however, and even my priests have had some difficulty with that issue. -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus: You hear that? The nice blonde in her thirties is actually over 140 years old. :
Oberon: She must use that Oil of Olay stuff. I wonder if it would get rid of the wrinkles on a shar-pei? -- Kevin Hearne
Frank Herbert said that Fear is the mind-killer. He was a wise man. -- Kevin Hearne
Side effects from doggie joy may include face lube and leg-humping" ~ Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
I had privately changed 'This, too, shall pass' into 'You, too, shall die'. -- Kevin Hearne
Druid log July 15: Dark elves are not only quick and efficient killers, but creative and pyrotechnically inclined ones. -- Kevin Hearne
That wasn't so bad. She said, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. What was it?
That was a Rocky Mountain oyster, also know as a Montana tendergroin.
No. I just ate bull's balls?
Only one, but yes, you just tore up a tasty testicle. Congratulations! -- Kevin Hearne
Why don't high school math teachers ever come up with cool problems like this? If a 150-pound Irish wolfhound launches himself at seventeen miles per hour at a 250-pound draugr, will that dead motherfucker go down? The answer is Hel yes. -- Kevin Hearne
He didn't spend time on niceties like saying hello. He answered the phone with, "Have you changed your mind about Thor?" "Um ... no," I said, and he promptly hung -- Kevin Hearne
Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people consider me wise. -- Kevin Hearne
When a fight comes at ye, it's not going to ask if you're in shape for it! Ye have to be ready whenever it comes, and the day I'm not ready for a fight is the day I'm dead! -- Kevin Hearne
How can one freeze and put their hands above their head at the same time? Do they teach cops to shout contradictory instructions at suspects at the academy for some sinister purpose? If I obeyed one cop, did the other cop get to shoot me for resisting arrest? -- Kevin Hearne
We arrived someplace where the ground was as blue as the sky. Startled by our sudden appearance, blue pheasants erupted out of the blue grass and shat blue shit. -- Kevin Hearne
Bullshit, as you Americans say.
He's Irish.
The Irish say bullshit too. -- Kevin Hearne
Saint Lassie smiles upon me! It's Coyote, with a bag of goodies. -- Kevin Hearne
Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it. -- Kevin Hearne
Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it. -- Kevin Hearne
Yes and I appreciate it. But this is going to be difficult enough without running my words through a filter of illiteracy. -- Kevin Hearne
The future is a many-forked path," she said, "and only you can choose which one to follow." "I know that. What I don't know is what waits at the end of those paths." "Victory or death. Choose well. -- Kevin Hearne
It is the whip that clerics use on the laity, making the sheep slaves to whatever moral code the shepherds espouse. It is a catalyst for suicide and untold other acts of selfishness and stupidity. -- Kevin Hearne
The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style. -- Kevin Hearne
Flidais nods in approval. "Respect for life. Good."
I want to ask where her respect for life is, why she thinks it is all right to treat animals like puppets and force me to kill one of them in some sort of sick game. -- Kevin Hearne
Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?"
Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice. -- Kevin Hearne
No worries, Atticus. I will snarf surreptitiously. And I should get bacon, because my adverb was two syllables longer than yours, plus a bonus for alliteration."
I grinned. "It's a deal. You're the best hound ever. -- Kevin Hearne
It shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!> -- Kevin Hearne
At this point we hated each other as much as it was possible for two Irishmen to do-and that's quite a bit. -- Kevin Hearne
Don't hate the Meat Lord, Atticus. Just offer him steak sauce and words of praise. -- Kevin Hearne
That was it. Owen grabbed his arm, yanked it toward him, and head-butted the punk. He went down with a yelp and Owen stood up, kicking his chair away behind him. "Respect your elders, lad!"
The inn got quiet the way things will when shit gets real. -- Kevin Hearne
Brain death didn't allow one time to heal, and the brain was the warehouse for the spirit. Punch a hole in that and you'd shuffle off your mortal coil right away.
Keeping your coil unshuffled was the problem. -- Kevin Hearne
The plan was simple. Once on the Plain of Idavoll, we were going to follow the immortal strategy of Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh and "announce [our] presence with authority. -- Kevin Hearne
Its dead eyes were fixed on me and I'm sure it had no trouble locating me by sound, because I was hollering incoherently in an attempt to die angry at maximum volume. -- Kevin Hearne
Demons smell like ass - nasty ass that slithers down your throat, finds your gag reflex, and sits on it with authority. -- Kevin Hearne
Betrayal always comes wrapped up in a friendly cloak. It's one of the first things I learned in the Senate. -- Kevin Hearne
So in a sense it's we with faith who create gods, not the gods who create us. And, if that's the case, then it's we who created the universe. -- Kevin Hearne
Douglas Adams was right: There is nothing so massively useful in the universe as a towel. -- Kevin Hearne
Oberon Did Middle English hounds bark with an extra syllable on the end? like 'woofe'? -- Kevin Hearne
Grody is in the eye of the beholder. -- Kevin Hearne
Guilt ferrets are bastards. -- Kevin Hearne
What I should be doing was the same thing everyone should be doing: enjoying the blessings I have while I have them, instead of worrying that one day they will be gone. -- Kevin Hearne
Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed. -- Kevin Hearne
Wow you need to get some sun."
"Shut up. I'm Irish. -- Kevin Hearne
He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out into the snow.
Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir. -- Kevin Hearne
Oberon:She's a very clever girl, the kind you dont' take home to Ogma. -- Kevin Hearne
Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man.
I'm going to stick it to them. -- Kevin Hearne
The garden of sarcasm is watered with impatience, and mine chose that moment to bloom. -- Kevin Hearne
Yer a good lad, Atticus, mowin' me lawn and killin' what Brits come around. -- Kevin Hearne
Helgarson won't tell me, but it must have been bad. His fangs pop out if you just say 'Thor' aloud, and he hunts carpenters simply because they use hammers. -- Kevin Hearne
When you thumb your nose at the laws of physics like you've been doing, the universe tends to get you back through biology. Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
That wasn't English she was speaking: it was the language of diplomacy. -- Kevin Hearne
far past the time when everything might have turned out well. We are now in crisis management, hoping that things will turn out badly instead of much, much worse." That -- Kevin Hearne
Orlaith asks as we return to the tree. Germany. You know they have sausages in vending machines there? -- Kevin Hearne
Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions. -- Kevin Hearne
landed on my chest and stuck its proboscis -- Kevin Hearne
The tendency of modern American women to exclaim 'Hiiiiiiiiiiii!' in soprano octaves and hug each other upon sight can be disconcerting to those unfamiliar with it. -- Kevin Hearne
Canine Psychology 101. Seriously don't look at it, (the T bone steak) Look for the dastardly villain. Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
But greatness is in the act of creation and not necessarily in the finished product. Creating is the yin to the yang of our consumption and the doorway to beauty that we all want to walk through. Creating is how I tell the world I love it. I -- Kevin Hearne
The ladies in the beer commercials were hot, no doubt, but when a goddess wants to make an effort, no one else can even open the jar of mustard, let alone cut it. -- Kevin Hearne
It's not like the Middle Ages, when you had the Church and the aristocracy keeping everything nice and stagnant. -- Kevin Hearne
Did you just say Ragnarok is poppycock? -- Kevin Hearne
Gods blast it, I was asking ye where you shite in the city, not where I should do it! -- Kevin Hearne
Is better than running.> -- Kevin Hearne
And we can seek therapy or religion to provide us relief like balm on chafed skin, but that's denying our own power to heal ourselves and trying to silence old pain with new opiates. -- Kevin Hearne
Saying good-bye properly afforded me a measure of peace. It was a binding of a different sort, absent of the earth's power, but still hard proof that there is magic yet in the world. -- Kevin Hearne
Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones. -- Kevin Hearne
I don't think there is one. We had our priorities straight. -- Kevin Hearne
When there's blood involved, you always use every advantage you have to make sure it's theirs that spills and not yours. If you want to feel guilty about taking unfair advantage afterward, you go ahead and feel that shit. But live to feel it. -- Kevin Hearne
Sometimes I forget what I look like and I do something out of character, such as sing shepherd tunes in Aramaic while I'm waiting in line at Starbucks, but the nice bit about living in urban America is that people tend to either ignore eccentrics or move to the suburbs to escape them. -- Kevin Hearne
Sweet Honey of Dagda, now I was babbling. -- Kevin Hearne
That's right, there's free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone's jealous. -- Kevin Hearne
Defend the honor of your arse-munching couch. -- Kevin Hearne
You don't need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first? -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy. -- Kevin Hearne
It's only a slight modification of causality. -- Kevin Hearne
But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards. -- Kevin Hearne
I rapped my knuckles on Malina's door. The percussive sound seemed to offend the hallway's sense of decorum, and the quiet chastised me as it dropped into my ears like cotton balls. -- Kevin Hearne
The grin on his face wasn't the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-fuckeringly insane -- Kevin Hearne
a misbegotten cockwaffle. -- Kevin Hearne
Do Angels have assholes?
Atticus O'Sullivan - Hexed -- Kevin Hearne
The mixed woods of Germany were the sort that deserved a good savoring - no, a savouring, with a British u in there for the sake of decadence, as colours are somehow more vibrant to me than mere colors. -- Kevin Hearne
Perhaps he'd been using Just for Gods hair cream. -- Kevin Hearne
Where are we going?
I don't know yet.
Anyplace is good, so long as there's sausage and bitches. -- Kevin Hearne
Oberon "Holy revelations Druidman! She's on to us!"
Atticus "Gods below, I think you're right! Quick, to the Geekmobile! -- Kevin Hearne
When you're in the middle of a killing field and the fucking Chooser of the Slain tells you to do something, you do it. -- Kevin Hearne
To be rooted is to say, here am I nourished and here will I grow, for I have found a place where every sunrise shows me how to be more than what I was yesterday, and I need not wander to feel the wonder of my blessing. -- Kevin Hearne
Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history.
Atticus O'Sullivan -- Kevin Hearne
What do pharmacists dream of? Caribbean vacations paid for by GlaxoSmithKline? Sample packs of Percocet? Her -- Kevin Hearne
Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees. -- Kevin Hearne
There ye go again," my archdruid said. "Using your colon instead of yer brain. Ye believe yer thinkin' because yer workin' hard, but all yer doin' is squeezin' out shit. -- Kevin Hearne
wooden plaque hangs from a nail, reading THE MASTER IS OUT, and I shake my head and flip it around. The other side also says THE MASTER IS OUT. -- Kevin Hearne
So after I killed him and stowed his body next to the doe, I sampled his smoothie concoction in the parking lot and found it to be quite delicious. -- Kevin Hearne
With dogs you just go up and smell their asses and you know where you stand. It's so much easier. Why can't humans do that? -- Kevin Hearne
Failure is rarely a conscious decision and it's often out of our control, determined by things like physics and circumstance and other people. What we can always control, however, is our reaction to failure. -- Kevin Hearne
Nature doesn't ask your permission; it doesn't care about your wishes, or whether you like its laws or not. You're obliged to accept it as it is, and consequently all its results as well. -- Kevin Hearne
All right, buddy. What'll it be? -- Kevin Hearne
I'm totally a ninja wolfhound. This car is ridiculous, though. He has a revolting citrus air freshener in here. Do you know when his birthday is? We should get him one that smells like steak or Italian sausage. -- Kevin Hearne
What do you know? She liked to be told she was scary. Kinky. -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus, ixnay issingpay off the oppercay. -- Kevin Hearne
I'd have to ask Oberon to leave him a present on his front doorstep. He'd do it camouflaged too, so that even if Mr. Semerdjian was watching - and he probably would be - it would appear to be undeniable, physical evidence that, sometimes, shit just happens. -- Kevin Hearne
It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay? -- Kevin Hearne
Normally I laugh at such things, because there is nothing like a fart to lighten up a tense situation. -- Kevin Hearne
But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me. -- Kevin Hearne
Sure as a frog's ass is watertight. -- Kevin Hearne
It's a coffee place. You can't just automatically classify anything that isn't a steak house as vegetarian.
Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert heir own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient fast as mere opinions. -- Kevin Hearne
This is weird, I feel like I should be telling you a story right now. Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
When a soul turns as black as Black World, these old spirits find them a comfortin' touch of home, and if they're called to move in, they will. That's what a skinwalker is: a mean asshole with a meaner spirit squatting inside. Oberon said. -- Kevin Hearne
All right. I do not think she will attack, though. She is a nice inhuman." "You mean nonhuman. Inhuman is an adjective," I said, as I rose from the lawn and padded softly around the left side of the house to the backyard. "Hey, I'm not a native speaker. Give me a break. -- Kevin Hearne
Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet! Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
That's what a skinwalker is: a mean asshole with a meaner spirit squatting inside."
"I've run into some of those at the dog park," Oberon said. "They're usually attached to Chihuahuas. -- Kevin Hearne
You mean nonhuman. Inhuman is an adjective, I said, as I rose from the lawn and padded softly around the left side of the house to the backyard. -- Kevin Hearne
Never thought I'd see a jaguar brought to its knees by rhino shit. Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention. -- Kevin Hearne
I think he got your goat, Atticus! And I've been meaning to ask you about the expression. When people get your goat, what do they do with it? Do they eat it or hold it for ransom or what? -- Kevin Hearne
Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass. -- Kevin Hearne
Cry hamhock and let slip the hogs of war!
- Oberon -- Kevin Hearne
I think every creature near enough to hear that just pooped" Oberon said, "And then it went into hiding. Hunting tip number one:Stay Silent. -- Kevin Hearne
DENON IS AN ECUMENOPOLIS like Coruscant, -- Kevin Hearne
Sexual repression is conduct unbecoming a Celt." I shrugged. "Better that than having to deal with guilt ferrets. -- Kevin Hearne
They never predict anything fun," Granuaile answered. "Just once I'd like to hear a prophet tell someone, 'Thou shalt win a bitchin' Camaro on a game show. -- Kevin Hearne
Pardon me, is this some kind of social experiment? You want me to get a hundred and forty-four Samoans and cram them into your cabin with a case of whiskey? -- Kevin Hearne
The sun cannot shine as bright without a proper darkness to counter it.
The world had gone a bit gray. -- Kevin Hearne
I can't spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I'm the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up. -- Kevin Hearne
Its difficult to dislike a man who takes pleasure in giving away free beer. -- Kevin Hearne
Vampires inspire screams, not squees. -- Kevin Hearne
I could only strive to live so that my merit outweighed my discredit. -- Kevin Hearne
you can't unchoose anyone's choices, least of all your own. All you can do with your past is try to grow out of it. Darren -- Kevin Hearne
so I drop the rock and cross my arms in front of me, suddenly self-conscious in the presence of two goddesses who look like comic book heroines. -- Kevin Hearne
[T]he pain was unspeakable, worse than reading the collected works of Edith Wharton. -- Kevin Hearne
What does one do when one needs to pray to the gods for patience but a god is causing the need for patience? -- Kevin Hearne
I Keep a Wholesome Table."
Manannan Mac Lir -- Kevin Hearne
People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me. -- Kevin Hearne
If Jeff wished to pursue the matter he'd have to leave his beer, and I felt intuitively that he would never do that. -- Kevin Hearne
Well, if that's how it happened, I don't like how Etain was never given a choice. Both Midhir and Eochaid should have been kicked in the marble bag for behaving like her hoo-ha was something they could buy and sell" ~ Granuaile -- Kevin Hearne
I have salted my hatred and cured it, stored it in a dark cellar of my mind against the day when I could let it be my only nourishment. The day is finally come, and I will tear into this meat and savor its taste. -- Kevin Hearne
You killed my father," he snorted in a basso profundo rumble. "Prepare to die!" "Inigo Montoya? Is that you? -- Kevin Hearne
What? Who? You can't throw around pronouns like that without their antecedents if you want people to follow you. -- Kevin Hearne
Heh! Fuck yew," I said. -- Kevin Hearne
Hence the reason I encourage you to believe what you wish. The heaven of teh Pastafarians is supposed to have beer volcanoes, which sounds like a fantastic idea to me. Imagine eruptions of a mellow chocolaty stout. There might be all-you-can-eat hot wings."~Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
How can I be assured the apple you bring me is Idunn's?
Well, it'll be golden, for one thing, and after you take a bite of it you should feel pretty fucking good. -- Kevin Hearne
I don't have enough information to make a rational decision. It's like you're asking me to order a drink according to how me nipples are feeling instead of telling me what they're ready to pour. -- Kevin Hearne
His eyes were glowing egg yolks, burning Scut Farkus eyes to make your kidneys cringe. -- Kevin Hearne
Better to ask forgiveness than permission and to answer their shenanigans with even better shenanigans. -- Kevin Hearne
In Battle, as in charity, it is better to give than to receive. -- Kevin Hearne
Mr. Tall, Blonde and Lightning -- Kevin Hearne
He was a god of rock. He nearly solved all the world's problems with nothing but power chords and anguished cries into a microphone. -- Kevin Hearne
Jesus ... It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name. -- Kevin Hearne
didn't deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny. -- Kevin Hearne
You will need to make an effort to appear a little less scruffy. -- Kevin Hearne
is the Way and the Truth. -- Kevin Hearne
Turns out that when you kill a god, people want to talk to you. -- Kevin Hearne
Not complaining. I'm lobbying. It's this whole other word.> -- Kevin Hearne
I bet it's a universal truth: You eat your pie or go home. -- Kevin Hearne
Science cannot close the fist of reason around the miracle of consciousness any more than I can turn my sword into a light saber. -- Kevin Hearne
It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who Do Evil Shit in My Name." "Jesus. I mean, wow. That's the name of one of your files?" "One of my largest, unfortunately. But I have it broken down into subfolders. -- Kevin Hearne
You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire? -- Kevin Hearne
I am the bringer of beef and the singer of sweet suppertime! Mine is the chicken and the gravy forever, nom nom! -- Kevin Hearne
One cannot sass me with impunity. -- Kevin Hearne
Usually I try to suppress any emotions that savor of regret, because they are invariably aperitifs to a main course of depression, and for the long-lived, that's a recipe for suicide. But that doesn't mean they can't sneak up on me sometimes.
And, like, gang-tackle me. -- Kevin Hearne
I knew it would annoy her. She'd deliberately tried to provoke me, and one cannot sass me with impunity. -- Kevin Hearne
I don't know what it is about Ackbar that tends to quash arguments. He has a kind of moist charisma, I guess, that no one wants to challenge. I know I don't want to dispute him, anyway. -- Kevin Hearne
Pain fades, but freedom is an enduring joy. -- Kevin Hearne
Atticus:"Damn it, Jim, I'm a Druid not a Physicist! -- Kevin Hearne
Gibbering case of Oh, Shit! I believe that's a bona fide psychological term; if it isn't, it should be. -- Kevin Hearne
Iron can be bent to your will, if your will is stronger than the iron. But -- Kevin Hearne
May harmony find you" Atticus -- Kevin Hearne
That was the attraction of the sirens: not promises of power or riches, but bewildering, tantalizing prophecies that made men leap from their ships to go ask the crazy bitches what the fuck they were talking about. -- Kevin Hearne
Winning ugly is still winning. -- Kevin Hearne
They may have been victims at one time, but what you have to focus on is what they are now. -- Kevin Hearne
it already sounds like they are giving me the equivalent of a Multipass. -- Kevin Hearne
You hear that? The nice blonde in her thirties is actually more than 140 years old. -- Kevin Hearne
but underneath that lurked horrors, like a syphilitic dick hidden under a blanket. -- Kevin Hearne
Law is all that separates us from barbarism and the howling within; it is a necessary leash on our darker natures. -- Kevin Hearne
A man's supposed to shit himself after he dies, son, not before. -- Kevin Hearne
No one takes you seriously when you're naked. -- Kevin Hearne
