Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Mark Twain, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Mark Twain quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 2534 Mark Twain quotes for you to read and share.

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But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go! -- Mark Twain
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Gratitude is a debt which usually goes on accumulating like blackmail; the more you pay, the more is exacted. -- Mark Twain
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And I urge upon you this - which I think is wisdom - if you find you can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go. -- Mark Twain
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Between believing a thing and thinking you KNOW is only a small step and quickly taken. -- Mark Twain
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To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours. -- Mark Twain
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Tell the truth or trump-but get the trick. -- Mark Twain
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There have been daring people in the world who claimed that Fenimore Cooper could write English, but they are all dead now. -- Mark Twain
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Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church. -- Mark Twain
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The choir always tittered and whispered all through service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was, now. It was a great many years ago, and I can scarcely remember anything about it, but I think it was in some foreign country. -- Mark Twain
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And so when I couldn't stand it no longer, I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. -- Mark Twain
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She turned just in time to seize a small boy by the slack of his roundabout and arrest his flight. -- Mark Twain
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History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn't be wise. -- Mark Twain
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We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him. -- Mark Twain
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We never read the full explanatory surroundings of marvelously exciting things when we have no occasion to suppose that some irresponsible scribbler is trying to defraud us; we skip all that, and hasten to revel in the blood-curdling particulars and be happy. -- Mark Twain
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Twenty-four years ago I was strangely handsome; in San Francisco in the rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather. -- Mark Twain
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I speak French with timidity, and not flowingly
except when excited. When using that language I have often noticed that I have hardly ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except, perhaps, by horses; never, I believe, by people. -- Mark Twain
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Yes, take it all around, there is quite a good deal of information in the book. I regret this very much; but really it could not be helped.
-from the Prefatory -- Mark Twain
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I conceive that the right way to write a story for boys is to write so that it will not only interest boys but strongly interest any man who has ever been a boy. That immensely enlarges the audience. -- Mark Twain
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These are sad days in literature. Homer is dead. Shakespeare is dead. And I myself am not feeling at all well. -- Mark Twain
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I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself. -- Mark Twain
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All great men are dead, and I'm not feeling too well myself -- Mark Twain
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A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law. -- Mark Twain
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One of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it. -- Mark Twain
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Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and today -- all without seeing him. It is a long time to be alone; still, it is better to be alone that unwelcome. I had to have company -- I was made for it, I think -- so I made friends with the animals. -- Mark Twain
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There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home. -- Mark Twain
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You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear. -- Mark Twain
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It's not the good that die young, it's the lucky. -- Mark Twain
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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain
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In your country and mine we should have the privilege of making fun of this kind of morality, but it would be unkind to do it here.Many of these people have the reasoning faculty, but no one uses it in religious matters. -- Mark Twain
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I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world. -- Mark Twain
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I will say this much for the nobility: that, tyrannical, murderous, rapacious and morally rotten as they were, they were deeply and enthusiastically religous. Nothing could divert them from the regular and faithful performace of the pieties enjoined b ythe Church -- Mark Twain
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Tweedle dee and tweedle dum -- Mark Twain
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The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. -- Mark Twain
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A proud man is one who waits for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain
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I always did hate for anyone to know what my plans or hopes or prospects were-for, if I kept people in ignorance in these matters, no one could be disappointed but myself, if they were not realized. -- Mark Twain
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We slept, if one might call such a condition by so strong a name - for it was a sleep set with a hair-trigger. -- Mark Twain
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
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The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's. -- Mark Twain
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Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one ... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. -- Mark Twain
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A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it. -- Mark Twain
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It is hard to make railroading pleasant in any country. It is too tedious. -- Mark Twain
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There are those who imagine that the unlucky accidents of life
life's "experiences"
are in some way useful to us. I wish I could find out how. I never knew one of them to happen twice. They always change off and swap around and catch you on your inexperienced side. -- Mark Twain
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There's some human instinct which makes a man treasure what he is not to make any use of, because everybody does not possess it. -- Mark Twain
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The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco -- Mark Twain
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Then pretty soon Sherburn sort of laughed; not the pleasant kind, but the kind that makes you feel like when you are eating bread that's got sand in it. -- Mark Twain
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Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders ... -- Mark Twain
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Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. -- Mark Twain
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I was in one of the most grand attitudes I ever struck, with my arm stretched up pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect. You could see the shudder sweep the mass like a wave. -- Mark Twain
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Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat. -- Mark Twain
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The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember. -- Mark Twain
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If a spectacle is going to be particularly imposing I prefer to see it through somebody else's eyes, because that man will always exaggerate. Then I can exaggerate his exaggeration, and my account of the thing will be the most impressive. -- Mark Twain
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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain
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During the gold rush its a good time to be in the pick and shovel business -- Mark Twain
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All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth
including America, of course
consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen. -- Mark Twain
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Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide. -- Mark Twain
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At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen. -- Mark Twain
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It's lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened. -- Mark Twain
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I have carried a revolver; lots of us do, but they are the most innocent things in the world. -- Mark Twain
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I have damaged my intellect trying to imagine why a man should want to invent a repeating clock, and how another man could be found to lust after it and buy it. The man who can guess these riddles is far on the way to guess why the human race was invented - which is another riddle which tires me. -- Mark Twain
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My land, the power of training! Of influence! Of education! It can bring a body up to believe anything. -- Mark Twain
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Get a bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live. -- Mark Twain
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Human beings seem to be a poor invention. If they are the noblest works of God where is the ignoblest? -- Mark Twain
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I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble. -- Mark Twain
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But there are some infelicities. Such as 'like' for 'as,' and the addition of an 'at' where it isn't needed. I heard an educated gentleman say, 'Like the flag-officer did.' His cook or his butler would have said, 'Like the flag-officer done.' You hear gentlemen say, 'Where have you been at? -- Mark Twain
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All religions issue bibles again Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. -- Mark Twain
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It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right. -- Mark Twain
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But it's awluz jis' so; people dat's sot, stays sot; dey won't look into noth'n'en fine it out f'r deyselves, en when you fine it out en tell um 'bout it, dey doan' b'lieve you. -- Mark Twain
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I reck'n I knows sense when I sees it; en dey ain' no sense in sich doin's as dat. -- Mark Twain
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I 'uz mos' to de foot er de islan' b'fo' I found' a good place. I went into de woods en jedged I wouldn' fool wid raffs no mo', long as dey move de lantern roun' so. I had my pipe en a plug er dog-leg, en some matches in my cap, en dey warn't wet, so I 'uz all right. -- Mark Twain
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Out of the depths of my happy heart wells a great tide of love and prayer for this priceless treasure that is confided to my lifelong keeping. You cannot see its waves as they flow toward you, darling, but in these lines you will hear ... the distant beating of its surf. -- Mark Twain
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When politics enter into municipal government, nothing resulting therefrom in the way of crimes and infamies is then incredible. It actually enables one to accept and believe the impossible ... -- Mark Twain
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Human Beings are the only animals that blush, or need to. -- Mark Twain
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There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that. -- Mark Twain
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What you doin' with this gun? -- Mark Twain
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When I am king they shall not have bread and shelter only, but also teachings out of books, for a full belly is little worth where the mind is starved. -- Mark Twain
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Don't use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do. -- Mark Twain
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I freighted a leaf with a mental message for the friends at home, and dropped it in the stream. But I put no stamp on it and it was held for postage somewhere. -- Mark Twain
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It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto. -- Mark Twain
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Often a quite assified remark becomes sanctified by use and petrified by custom; it is then a permanency, its term of activity a geologic period. -- Mark Twain
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A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies. -- Mark Twain
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It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young. -- Mark Twain
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Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. -- Mark Twain
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The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. -- Mark Twain
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I felt it was my duty to praise all of God's works with fervent enthusiasm. At the same time I killed flies in my house in a spirit of hatred, exasperation and contempt. My praise to God for all his works was dishonest, the act of killing the fly was honest. -- Mark Twain
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This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth
ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!
- Letter to J. H. Twichell, 1/29/1901 -- Mark Twain
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I love to hear myself talk, because I get so much instruction and moral upheaval out of it. -- Mark Twain
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Wheresoever she was, there was Eden. -- Mark Twain
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One learns peoples through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect. -- Mark Twain
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In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents? -- Mark Twain
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Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community, and I'll tell you what his opinions are. -- Mark Twain
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When I'm playful I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales. I scratch my head with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder. -- Mark Twain
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Suddenly the nickel-clad horse takes the bit in its mouth and goes slanting for the curbstone defying all prayers and all your powers to change its mind - your heart stands still, your breath hangs fire, your legs forget to work. -- Mark Twain
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The Indian may seem poor to we rich Westerners but in matters of the spirit it is we who are the paupers and they who are millionaires. -- Mark Twain
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I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. -- Mark Twain
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First get the facts, you can distort them later -- Mark Twain
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It is hard enough luck being a monarch, without being a target also. -- Mark Twain
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Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more. -- Mark Twain
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It is a good thing to write for the amusement of the public, but it is a far higher and nobler thing to write for their instruction, their profit, their actual and tangible benefit. -- Mark Twain
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If we read the words and attitudes of the past through the pompous "wisdom" of the considered moral judgments of the present, we will find nothing but error. -- Mark Twain
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If there wasn't anything to find out, it would be dull. Even trying to find out and not finding out is just as interesting as trying to find out and finding out; and I don't know but more so. -- Mark Twain
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There is only one expert who is qualified to examine the souls and the life of a people and make a valuable report - the native novelist ... And when a thousand able novels have been written, there you have the soul of the people; and not anywhere else can these be had. -- Mark Twain
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Don't live in the past, don't ponder about the future, stay at the PRESENT moment NOW ... always. -- Mark Twain
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The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten -- Mark Twain
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The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. -- Mark Twain
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I do not claim that I can tell a story as it ought to be told. I only claim to know how a story ought to be told, -- Mark Twain
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Mark Twain describes how his friend Ralph Keeler introduced him at the start of a lecture: 'I don't know anything about this man. At least I know only two things; one is, he hasn't been in the penitentiary, and the other is (after a pause, and almost sadly), I don't know why. -- Mark Twain
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Apparently one of the most uncertain things in the world is the funeral of a religion. -- Mark Twain
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Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick; but every time you's gwyne to git well agin. -- Mark Twain
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It would 'a' been a miserable business to have any unfriendliness on the raft; for what you want, above all things, on a raft, is for everybody to be satisfied, and feel right and kind towards the others. -- Mark Twain
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One of life's most over-valued pleasures is sexual intercourse; of one of life's least appreciated pleasures in defecation. -- Mark Twain
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Of course, there are many rich men in the empire, but their money is buried, and they dress in rags and counterfeit poverty. -- Mark Twain
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If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are "no account," go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them -- Mark Twain
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Reality can be beaten with enough imagination. -- Mark Twain
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I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself. -- Mark Twain
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It is better to give than receive- especially advice. -- Mark Twain
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The Mississippi River towns are comely, clean, well built, and pleasing to the eye, and cheering to the spirit. The Mississippi Valley is as reposeful as a dreamland, nothing worldly about it ... nothing to hang a fret or a worry upon. -- Mark Twain
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If we never lied , there would be nothing to remember. -- Mark Twain
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Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait and count to forty. To save three quarters, count sixty. To save all, count sixty-five. -- Mark Twain
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Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 a minute. -- Mark Twain
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We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read- -- Mark Twain
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The pulpit and the optimist are always talking about the human race's steady march toward ultimate perfection. As usual, they leave out the statistics. It is the pulpit's way - the optimist's way. -- Mark Twain
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I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet. -- Mark Twain
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To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive, fierce and ever fickle and changeful master. -- Mark Twain
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I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect. -- Mark Twain
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It's considered good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain
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A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. -- Mark Twain
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Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. -- Mark Twain
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In the ancient city of London, on a certain autumn day in the second quarter of the sixteenth century, a boy was born to a poor family of the name of Canty, who did not want him. -- Mark Twain
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The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend is immortal -- Mark Twain
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A jury of inquest was impaneled, and after due deliberation and inquiry they returned the inevitable American verdict which has been so familiar to our ears all the days of our lives - "NOBODY TO BLAME. -- Mark Twain
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We chase phantoms half the days of our lives. It is well if we learn wisdom even then, and save the other half. -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument. -- Mark Twain
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The truth is a precious commodity. That's why I use it so sparingly. -- Mark Twain
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When a prisoner of style escapes, it's called an evasion. -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting. -- Mark Twain
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Obscurity and a competence - that is the life that is best worth living. -- Mark Twain
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Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash, I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully. -- Mark Twain
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Is not this insanity plea becoming rather common? Is it not so common that the reader confidently expects to see it offered in every criminal case that comes before the courts? ... Really, what we want now, is not laws against crime, but a law against insanity. -- Mark Twain
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Then the cow asked:
"What is a mirror?"
"It is a hole in the wall," said the cat. "You look in it, and there you see the picture, and it is so dainty and charming and ethereal and inspiring in its unimaginable beauty that your head turns round and round, and you almost swoon with ecstasy. -- Mark Twain
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Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes-none knows whence-and cannot explain itself. -- Mark Twain
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Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality -- Mark Twain
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Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most. -- Mark Twain
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Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth -- Mark Twain
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A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it. -- Mark Twain
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Constellations have always been troublesome things to name. If you give one of them a fanciful name, it will always refuse to live up to it; it will always persist in not resembling the thing it has been named for. -- Mark Twain
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As it lay there with the shadows of the mountains brilliantly photographed upon its still surface I thought it must surely be the fairest picture the whole earth affords. -- Mark Twain
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Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity - these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of them. They hide nothing. They are not ashamed. -- Mark Twain
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Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. -- Mark Twain
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Looking into the muzzle of Slade's pistol. "And the next instant," added my informant, impressively, "he was one of the deadest men that ever lived. -- Mark Twain
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The poetry is all in the anticipation, for there is none in reality. -- Mark Twain
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Every man feels that his experience is unlike that of anybody else and therefore he should write it down
he finds also that everybody else has thought and felt on some points precisely as he has done, and therefore he should write it down. -- Mark Twain
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The only people that a bank will loan money to is the very people who don't need it. -- Mark Twain
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Heir did go to America, with the Fairfax heir or about the same time - but disappeared - somewhere in the wilds of Virginia, got married, end began to breed savages for the Claimant -- Mark Twain
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Presently a vagrant poodle dog came idling along, sad at heart, lazy with the summer softness and the quiet, weary of captivity, sighing for change. -- Mark Twain
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Low comedies are written for the drawing-room, the kitchen and the stable, and if you cut out the kitchen and the stable the drawing-room can't support the play by itself. -- Mark Twain
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When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself. -- Mark Twain
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I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars. -- Mark Twain
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The highest pleasure to be got out of freedom, and having nothing to do, is labor. -- Mark Twain
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Man is the only animal that is cruel. It kills just for the sake of it. -- Mark Twain
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My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart-a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. -- Mark Twain
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Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. -- Mark Twain
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It must be very peaceful, he thought, to lie and slumber and dream forever and ever, with the wind whispering through the trees and caressing the grass and the flowers over the grave, and nothing to bother and grieve about, ever any more. -- Mark Twain
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I wish to become rich, so that I can instruct the people and glorify honest poverty a little, like those kind hearted, fat, benevolent people do. -- Mark Twain
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None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness; but we can try. -- Mark Twain
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In another moment he was flying down the street with his pail and a tingling rear, Tom was whitewashing with vigor, and Aunt Polly was retiring from the field with a slipper in her hand and triumph in her eye. -- Mark Twain
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The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large. -- Mark Twain
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I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side. -- Mark Twain
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It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have been better for us-oh infinitely better for us-if the serpent had been forbidden -- Mark Twain
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I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly. -- Mark Twain
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He lay down upon a sumptuous divan, and proceeded to instruct himself with honest zeal. -- Mark Twain
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Yet little Tom was not unhappy. He had a hard time of it but did not know it. It was the sort of time that all the Offal Court boys had; therefore he supposed it was the correct and comfortable thing. -- Mark Twain
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God created war so that Americans would learn geography. -- Mark Twain
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What's your name?"
"Becky Thatcher. What's yours? Oh, I know. It's Thomas Sawyer."
"That's the name they lick me by. I'm Tom when I'm good. You call me Tom, will you?"
"Yes -- Mark Twain
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All life demands change, variety, contrast - else there is small zest to it. -- Mark Twain
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I believe that the trade of critic, in literature, music, and the drama, is the most degraded of all trades, and that it has no real value
certainly no large value. -- Mark Twain
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It is the will of God that we must have critics, and missionaries, and Congressmen, and humorists, and we must bear the burden. Meantime, I seem to have been drifting into criticism myself. But that is nothing. At the worst, criticism is nothing more than a crime, and I am not unused to that. -- Mark Twain
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What I suffered in contemplating his happiness, pen cannot describe. -- Mark Twain
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Men are more compassionate/(nobler)/magnanimous/generous than God; for men forgive their dead, but God does not. -- Mark Twain
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That kind of so-called housekeeping where they have six Bibles and no cork-screw. -- Mark Twain
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When your opinions start to coincide with those of the majority, it is time to reconsider your opinions. -- Mark Twain
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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. -- Mark Twain
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I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature, Congressman. -- Mark Twain
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But as soon as one is at rest in this world off he goes on something else to worry about. -- Mark Twain
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Sing like no one is listening, LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT, dance like nobody's watcbing, and live like it's heaven on earth. -- Mark Twain
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When all else fails, write what your heart tells you. You can't depend on your eyes, when your imagination is out of focus. -- Mark Twain
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Put no trust in the benefits to accrue from early rising, as set forth by the infatuated Franklin ... -- Mark Twain
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Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. -- Mark Twain
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Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. -- Mark Twain
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No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. -- Mark Twain
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It liberates the vandal to travel-you never saw a bigoted, opinionated, stubborn, narrow-minded, self-conceited, almighty mean man in your life but he had stuck in one place since he was born and thought God made the world and dyspepsia and bile for his especial comfort and satisfaction. -- Mark Twain
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A pilot must have a memory developed to absolute perfection. But there are two higher qualities which he also must have. He must have good and quick judgment and decision, and a cool, calm courage that no peril can shake. -- Mark Twain
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To avoid being drawn into error, keep a firm grip on the truth. -- Mark Twain
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We don not think, in the holy places; we think in bed, afterwards, when the glare, and the the noise, and the confusion are gone, and in fancy we revisit alone, the solemn monuments of the past, and summon the phantom pageants of an age that has passed away. -- Mark Twain
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The king he allowed he would drop over to t'other village without any plan, but just trust in Providence to lead him the profitable way - meaning the devil, I reckon. -- Mark Twain
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It is higher and nobler to be kind. -- Mark Twain
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No public interest is anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests. -- Mark Twain
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To do good is noble. To tell others to do good is even nobler and much less trouble. -- Mark Twain
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It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others. -- Mark Twain
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There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort. -- Mark Twain
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The old Irish when immersing a babe at baptism left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting -- Mark Twain
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Names are not always what they seem. -- Mark Twain
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Man is a marvelous curiosity. When he is at his very very best he is a sort of low grade nickel-plated angel; at is worst he is unspeakable, unimaginable; and first and last and all the time he is a sarcasm. Yet he blandly and in all sincerity calls himself the noblest work of God. -- Mark Twain
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I had longed to be a butterfly, and I was one at last. I attended private parties in sumptuous evening dress, simpered and aired my graces like a born beau, and polkaed and schoisched with a step peculiar to myself - and the kangaroo. -- Mark Twain
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If ever you've been down in the dumps, hear these iconic authors share with you more than their writing wisdom. -- Mark Twain
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I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.'
It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. -- Mark Twain
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So singularly clear was the water, that where it was only twenty or thirty feet deep the bottom was so perfectly distinct that the boat seemed floating in the air! -- Mark Twain
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When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum. -- Mark Twain
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It was with much satisfaction that I recognized the wisdom of having told this candid gentleman, in the beginning, that my name was Smith. -- Mark Twain
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One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke. -- Mark Twain
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After a few months' acquaintance with European 'coffee' one's mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with it's clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed. -- Mark Twain
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The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label. -- Mark Twain
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The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little. -- Mark Twain
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There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore. -- Mark Twain
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That's just the way: a person does a low-down thing, and then he don't want to take no consequences of it. Thinks as long as he can hide it, it ain't no disgrace. -- Mark Twain
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I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. -- Mark Twain
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Every year you wait, long ago gets farther away. -- Mark Twain
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Make your mark in New York and you are a made man. -- Mark Twain
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Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that. -- Mark Twain
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If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. -- Mark Twain
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The equator was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it. -- Mark Twain
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So endeth this chronicle. It being strictly a history of a boy, it must stop here; the story could not go much further without becoming the history of a man. -- Mark Twain
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True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god. -- Mark Twain
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God rewards gamblers and fools. The crucial thing, when you win, is knowing which you were. -- Mark Twain
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What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there! -- Mark Twain
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Don't let schooling interfere with your education. -- Mark Twain
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The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. -- Mark Twain
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Life is short, break the rules. -- Mark Twain
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A robber is more high-toned than what a pirate is - as a general thing. In most countries they're awful high up in the nobility - dukes and such. -- Mark Twain
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I don't know anything that mars a good literature so completely as too much truth. Facts contain a great deal of poetry, but you can't use too many of them without damaging your literature. -- Mark Twain
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As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. -- Mark Twain
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How lovely is death; and how niggardly it is doled out. -- Mark Twain
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Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother's path to the happiness of heaven, he has turned the globe into a graveyard. -- Mark Twain
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Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you. -- Mark Twain
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As a rule, we go about with masks, we go about looking honest, and we are able to conceal ourselves all through the day. -- Mark Twain
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Well, no doubt it's a blessed thing to have an imagination that can always make you satisfied, no matter how you are fixed. -- Mark Twain
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. -- Mark Twain
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If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat. -- Mark Twain
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The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. -- Mark Twain
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Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection. -- Mark Twain
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Architects cannot teach nature anything. -- Mark Twain
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That is their way, those plagues, those scientists - peg, peg, peg - dig, dig, dig - plod, plod, plod. I wish I could catch a cargo of them for my place; it would be an economy. Yes, for years, you see. They never give up. Patience, hope, faith, perseverance; it is the way of all the breed. -- Mark Twain
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Those people ... early stricken of God, intellectually - the departmental interpreters of the laws in Washington ... can always be depended on to take any reasonably good law and interpret the common sense all out of it. -- Mark Twain
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Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain
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My! we couldn't get him out, Tom. And besides, 'twouldn't do any good; they'd ketch him again." "Yes - so they would. But I hate to hear 'em abuse him so like the dickens when he never done - that." "I do too, Tom. Lord, I hear 'em say he's the -- Mark Twain
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Many public-school children seem to know only two dates - 1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion. -- Mark Twain
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But we are all insane, anyway ... The suicides seem to be the only sane people. -- Mark Twain
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Time spent with your children is time wisely spent. -- Mark Twain
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So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked. -- Mark Twain
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Wisdom teaches us that none but birds should go out early, and that not even birds should do it unless they are out of worms. -- Mark Twain
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All the rest of [Shakespeare's] vast history, as furnished by the biographers, is built up, course upon course, of guesses, inferences, theories, conjectures - an Eiffel Tower of artificialities rising sky-high from a very flat and very thin foundation of inconsequential facts. -- Mark Twain
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Whatever you have lived, you can write & by hard work & a genuine apprenticeship, you can learn to write well; but what you have not lived you cannot write, you can only pretend to write it ... -- Mark Twain
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It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Overnight success is a fallacy. It is preceded by a great deal of preparation. Ask any successful person how they came to this point in their lives, and they will have a story to tell. -- Mark Twain
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A powerful agent is the right word: it lights the reader's way and makes it plain. -- Mark Twain
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But it was ever thus, all through my life: whenever I have diverged from custom and principle and uttered a truth, the rule has been that the hearer hadn't strength of mind enough to believe it. -- Mark Twain
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He begged hard, and said he couldn't play - a plausible excuse, but too thin; there wasn't a musician in the country that could. -- Mark Twain
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There isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. -- Mark Twain
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Morals are not the important thing-nor enlightenment-nor civilization. A man can do absolutely well without them, but he can't do without something to eat. The supremest thing is the need of the body, not of the mind and spirit. -- Mark Twain
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I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
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The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise ... -- Mark Twain
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He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'. -- Mark Twain
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A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. -- Mark Twain
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Talking of patriotism, what humbug it is; it is a word which always commemorates a robbery. -- Mark Twain
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The expeditions were often out of meat, and scant of clothes, but they always had the furniture and other requisites for the mass; they were always prepared, as one of the quaint chroniclers of the time phrased it, to 'explain hell to the savages. -- Mark Twain
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I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. -- Mark Twain
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Do right for your own sake, and be happy in knowing that your neighbor will certainly share in the benefits resulting. -- Mark Twain
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There would be a center table, with books of a tranquil sort on it ... -- Mark Twain
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Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. -- Mark Twain
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[The Bible is] a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology. -- Mark Twain
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Each season brings a world of enjoyment and interest in the watching of its unfolding, its gradual harmonious development, its culminating graces-and just as one begins to tire of it, it passes away and a radical change comes, with new witcheries and new glories in its train. -- Mark Twain
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Each time in fiction or in history I meet a well-defined personality I am personally interested in him, for we know each other already, because we met on the river. -- Mark Twain
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To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals. -- Mark Twain
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All the memories in the world, good or bad, are not worth one slender hope for the future; and -- Mark Twain
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July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so -- Mark Twain
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Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain
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I don't believe there is anything in the whole earth that you can't learn in Berlin except the German language. -- Mark Twain
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When I am come to mine own again, I will always honor little children, remembering how that these trusted me and believed me in my time of trouble; whilst they that were older, and thought themselves wiser, mocked at me and held me for a liar. -- Mark Twain
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An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect. -- Mark Twain
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When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. -- Mark Twain
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I could not really complain, because he had only given me his word of honor as security; I ought to have required of him something substantial. -- Mark Twain
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We met a great many other interesting people, among them Lewis Carroll, author of the immortal "Alice"
but he was only interesting to look at, for he was the silliest and shyest full-grown man I have ever met except "Uncle Remus. -- Mark Twain
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Pessimist: The optimist who didn't arrive. -- Mark Twain
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France has usually been governed by prostitutes -- Mark Twain
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Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed. -- Mark Twain
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In a barrel of odds and ends it is different; things get mixed up, and the juice kind of swaps around, and the things go better. -- Mark Twain
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What a lumbering poor vehicle prose is for the conveying of a great thought! ... Prose wanders around with a lantern & laboriously schedules & verifies the details & particulars of a valley & its frame of crags & peaks, then Poetry comes, & lays bare the whole landscape with a single splendid flash. -- Mark Twain
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Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. -- Mark Twain
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Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity? -- Mark Twain
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Next you'd see a raft sliding by, away off yonder, and maybe a galoot on it chopping ... you'd see the ax flash and come down-you don't hear nothing; you see the ax go up again, and by the time it's above the man's head then you hear the k'chunk!-it had took all that time to come over the water. -- Mark Twain
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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. -- Mark Twain
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All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it. -- Mark Twain
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There are two things nobody should ever have to watch being made, sausage and laws. -- Mark Twain
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The spirit of wrath - not the words - is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We begin to swear before we can talk. -- Mark Twain
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A good legible label is usually worth, for information, a ton of significant attitude and expression in a historical picture. -- Mark Twain
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You cannot have all chiefs; you gotta have Indians too.
Perfect love cannot be without equality.
A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing.
We are all alike, on the inside. -- Mark Twain
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The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it. -- Mark Twain
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He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. -- Mark Twain
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If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. -- Mark Twain
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Tom partly uncovered a dismal caricature of a -- Mark Twain
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The tomb of Adam! How touching it was, here in a land of strangers, far away from home, and friends, and all who cared for me, thus to discover the grave of a blood relation. -- Mark Twain
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Well, let her - she should see that he could be as indifferent as some other people. -- Mark Twain
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We said there warn't no home like a raft, after all. Other places do seem so cramped up and smothery, but a raft don't. You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft. -- Mark Twain
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They say I work for the angels they never said I was one -- Mark Twain
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Love heightens all senses - except the common. -- Mark Twain
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It's better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right -- Mark Twain
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There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. -- Mark Twain
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You can't throw too much style into a miracle. -- Mark Twain
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History never repeats itself; at best it sometimes rhymes. -- Mark Twain
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There is no accounting for human beings. -- Mark Twain
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Being rich ain't what it's cracked up to be. It's just worry and worry, and sweat and sweat, and a-wishing you was dead all the time. -- Mark Twain
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Prediction is difficult- particularly when it involves the future. -- Mark Twain
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Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life. -- Mark Twain
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We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blesses facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it. -- Mark Twain
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At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass -- Mark Twain
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These Sultans of the fastnesses were turbaned with tumbled volumes of cloud, which shredded away from time to time and drifted off fringed and torn, trailing their continents of shadow after them; -- Mark Twain
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Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. -- Mark Twain
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The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark Twain
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Don't go around thinking the world owes you a living. It was here first. -- Mark Twain
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The word Palestine always brought to my mind a vague suggestion of a country as large as the United States. I do not know why, but such was the case. I suppose it was because I could not conceive of a small country having so large a history. -- Mark Twain
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If we should deal out justice only, in this world, who would escape? No, it is better to be generous, and in the end more profitable, for it gains gratitude for us, and love. -- Mark Twain
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I felt like the Last Man, neglected of the judgment, and left pinnacled in mid-heaven, a forgotten relic of a vanished world. -- Mark Twain
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What marriage is to morality, a properly conducted licensed liquor traffic is to sobriety. -- Mark Twain
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Tom Sawyer the Pirate looked around upon the envying juveniles about him and confessed in his heart that this was the proudest moment of his life. -- Mark Twain
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Children and fools always speak the truth. -- Mark Twain
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We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that. -- Mark Twain
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It is not worth while to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible. -- Mark Twain
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Being in love is like getting back to childhood. You're just happy for no reasons at all. -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of an audience not practiced in the tricks and delusions of oratory. -- Mark Twain
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Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever. -- Mark Twain
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What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it ... The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all ... When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean the great players of the world. -- Mark Twain
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Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. -- Mark Twain
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Mere life is a luxury, and the color of the grass, of the flowers, of the sky, the wind in the trees, the outlines of the horizon, the forms of clouds, all give a pleasure as exquisite as the sweetest music to the ear famishing for it. The -- Mark Twain
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One thing at a time, is my motto - and just play that thing for all it is worth, even if it's only tto pair and a jack. -- Mark Twain
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Whiskey is carried into committee rooms in demijohns and carried out in demagogues. -- Mark Twain
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I wonder how much it would take to buy a soap bubble, if there were only one in the world. -- Mark Twain
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The lightning there is peculiar; it is so convincing, that when it strikes a thing it doesn't leave enough of that thing behind for you to tell whether-Well, you'd think it was something valuable, and a Congressman had been there. -- Mark Twain
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Nothing exists; all is a dream. God - man - the world - the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars - a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space - and you! -- Mark Twain
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To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else
these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other ecstasies cheap and trivial. -- Mark Twain
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There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined. -- Mark Twain
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I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison. -- Mark Twain
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Experience teaches us only one thing at a time - and hardly that, in my case. -- Mark Twain
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I ordinarily smoke fifteen cigars during my five hours' labours, and if my interest reaches the enthusiastic point, I smoke more. I smoke with all my might, and allow no intervals. -- Mark Twain
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I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets. -- Mark Twain
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Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it. -- Mark Twain
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Principles have no real force except when one is well fed. -- Mark Twain
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Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions. -- Mark Twain
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When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so. -- Mark Twain
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To me [Edgar Allen Poe's] prose is unreadable - like Jane Austin's [sic]. No there is a difference. I could read his prose on salary, but not Jane's. Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death. -- Mark Twain
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Tom's army won a great victory, after a long and hard-fought battle. Then the dead were counted, prisoners exchanged, the terms of the next disagreement agreed upon, and the day for the necessary battle appointed; after which the armies fell into line and marched away, and Tom turned homeward alone. -- Mark Twain
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I have never tried, in even one single little instance, to help cultivate the cultivated classes. I was not equipped for it either by native gifts or training. And I never had any ambition in that direction, but always hunted for bigger game
the masses. - Mark Twain, a Biography -- Mark Twain
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He had been drunk over in town, and laid in the gutter all night, and he was a sight to look at. A body would a thought he was Adam, he was just all mud. -- Mark Twain
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Mrs Kerslake:" but if there is no chance of being offered a place at Oxford, surely-?"
Simon Kerslake: "Thats not what i said Mother, I shall be an undergraduate at Oxford by the first day of term -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing more awe-inspiring than a miracle except the credulity that can take it at par. -- Mark Twain
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I went to Maui to stay a week and remained five. I never spent so pleasant a month before, or bade any place goodbye so regretfully. I have not once thought of business, or care or human toil or trouble or sorrow or weariness, and the memory of it will remain with me always. -- Mark Twain
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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. -- Mark Twain
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When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years. -- Mark Twain
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I should be sorry to think it was the publishers themselves they got up this entire little flutter to enable them to unload a book that was taking too much room in their cellars, but you can never tell what a publisher will do. I have been one myself. -- Mark Twain
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
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Don't wait the time is never just right. -- Mark Twain
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Rags, wretchedness, poverty and dirt, those signs and symbols that indicate the presence of [Muslim] rule more surely than the crescent-flag itself, abound. -- Mark Twain
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Well, I know. It's jam - that's what it is. Forty times I've said if you didn't let that jam alone I'd skin you. Hand me that switch. -- Mark Twain
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Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it -- Mark Twain
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Now let us see what the philosophers say. Note that venerable proverb: Children and fools _always_ speak the truth. The deduction is plain
adults and wise persons _never_ speak it. -- Mark Twain
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What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes "my dear," and "my love" come from the heart; but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk? -- Mark Twain
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It is not worth while to strain one's self to tell the truth to people who habitually discount everything you tell them, whether it is true or isn't. -- Mark Twain
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The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny -- Mark Twain
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And so I am become a knight of the Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows -- Mark Twain
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Too bad that youth is wasted on the young. -- Mark Twain
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Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born
a hundred million years
and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together. -- Mark Twain
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There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it. -- Mark Twain
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The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession. -- Mark Twain
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Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. -- Mark Twain
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Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble. -- Mark Twain
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Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. -- Mark Twain
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An American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans. -- Mark Twain
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After my marriage she edited everything I wrote. And what is more, she not only edited my works, she edited me. -- Mark Twain
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Don't just sit there and worry. Be proactive. Do something - anything - about what's worrying you so you can gain information, focus and control over the situation. I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened. -- Mark Twain
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The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. -- Mark Twain
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If you should rear a duck in the heart of the Sahara, no doubt it would swim if you brought it to the Nile. -- Mark Twain
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It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off. -- Mark Twain
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He would be a consul no doubt by and by, at some foreign port, of the language of which he was ignorant; though if ignorance of language were a qualification he might have been a consul at home. -- Mark Twain
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Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!
Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer -- Mark Twain
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MONDAY morning found Tom Sawyer miserable. Monday morning always found him so - because it began another week's slow suffering in school. He generally began that day with wishing he had had no intervening holiday, it made the going into captivity and fetters again so much more odious. -- Mark Twain
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Tom Sawyer said I was a numskull. -- Mark Twain
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I asked her if she reckoned Tom Sawyer would go there, and she said not by a considerable sight. I was glad about that, because I wanted him and me to be together. Miss -- Mark Twain
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Now, we'll start this band of robbers and call it Tom Sawyer's Gang. Everybody that wants to join has got to take an oath, and write his name in blood. -- Mark Twain
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Like it! Yes - the way I'd like a hot stove if I was to set on it long enough. No, Tom, I won't be rich, and I won't live in them cussed smothery houses. I like the woods, and the river, and hogsheads, and I'll stick to 'em, too. -- Mark Twain
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Is drawn from life; Tom Sawyer also, but not from an individual - he is a -- Mark Twain
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As usual, the fickle, unreasoning world took Muff Potter to its bosom and fondled him as lavishly as it had abused him before. But that sort of conduct is to the world's credit; therefore it is not well to find fault with it. -- Mark Twain
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I wrote 'Tom Sawyer' and 'Huck Finn' for adults exclusively, and it always distressed me when I find that boys and girls have been allowed access to them. The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. -- Mark Twain
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This ain't no thirty-seven year job, this is a thirty-eight year job, Tom Sawyer. -- Mark Twain
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I felt very good; I judged I had done it pretty neat
I reckoned Tom Sawyer couldn't a done it no neater himself. Of course he would a throwed more style into it, but I can't do that very handy, not being brung up with it. -- Mark Twain
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Do you reckon Tom Sawyer was satisfied after all them adventures? -- Mark Twain
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Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of whitewash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed the fence, and all gladness left him and a deep melancholy settled down upon his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow, and existence but a burden. -- Mark Twain
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Looking' his last' upon the scene of his former joys and his later sufferings, and wishing 'she' could see him now, abroad on the wild sea, facing peril and death with a dauntless heart, going to his doom with a grim smile on his lips. -- Mark Twain
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When you feel like tellin a feller to go to the devil - tell him to go to Chicago - it'll anser every purpose, and is perhaps, a leetle more expensive. -- Mark Twain
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We can achieve what we can conceive and believe. -- Mark Twain
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Every time I read a Jane Austen novel, I feel like a bartender at the gates of heaven. -- Mark Twain
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Having faith is believing in something you just know ain't true. -- Mark Twain
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When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. -- Mark Twain
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Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. -- Mark Twain
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She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot -- Mark Twain
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Never let your education interfere with your learning. -- Mark Twain
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To the rear, sir - he's lost his leg! -- Mark Twain
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I felt so lonesome I most wished I was dead. The stars were shining, and the leaves rustled in the woods ever so mournful; and I heard an owl, away off, who-whooing about somebody that was dead, and a whippowill and a dog crying about somebody that was going to die; -- Mark Twain
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Occasionally, merely for the pleasure of being cruel, we put unoffending Frenchmen on the rack with questions framed in the incomprehensible jargon of their native language, and while they writhed, we impaled them, we peppered them, we scarified them, with their own vile verbs and participles. -- Mark Twain
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I had been to school most all the time, and could spell, and read, and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don't reckon I could ever get any further than that if I was to live forever. I don't take no stock in mathematics, anyway. -- Mark Twain
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Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. -- Mark Twain
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Surely the test of a novel's characters is that you feel a strong interest in them and their affairs the good to be successful, the bad to suffer failure. Well, in John Ward, you feel no divided interest, no discriminating interest you want them all to land in hell together, and right away. -- Mark Twain
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Why, an' thou shouldst live a thousand years thou'dst never hear so masterful a cursing. Alack, her art died with her. There be base and weakling imitations left, but no true blasphemy. -- Mark Twain
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But who shall tell how many ages it seemed to this prisoner? -- Mark Twain
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What, warder, ho! the man that can blow so complacent a blast as that, probably blows it from a castle. -- Mark Twain
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The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. -- Mark Twain
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Yes, always avoid violence. In this age of charity and kindliness, the time has gone by for such things. Leave dynamite to the low and unrefined. -- Mark Twain
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You can't pray a lie -- I found that out. -- Mark Twain
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Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. -- Mark Twain
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No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances. -- Mark Twain
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Sometimes I feel like the sane person in a community of the mad; sometimes I feel like the one blind man where all others see; the one groping savage in the college of the learned, and always, during service, I feel like a heretic in heaven. -- Mark Twain
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And what is a man without energy? Nothing - nothing at all. -- Mark Twain
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I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true. -- Mark Twain
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The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for. -- Mark Twain
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Bridgeport?" Said I.
"Camelot," Said he. -- Mark Twain
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We were surprised how closely the cuckoo imitated the clock-and yet, of course, it could never have heard a clock. -- Mark Twain
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I said it was a brutal thing.
No, it was a human thing. You should not insult the brutes by such a misuse of that word; they have not deserved it, -- Mark Twain
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If you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward. You will never get her full confidence again. -- Mark Twain
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Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief. -- Mark Twain
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The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind of eye couldn't detect. -- Mark Twain
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A man who goes around with a prophecy-gun ought never to get discouraged: if he will keep up his heart and fire at everything he sees, he is bound to hit something by and by. -- Mark Twain
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It's not as bad as it sounds. -- Mark Twain
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The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. -- Mark Twain
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Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. -- Mark Twain
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Bible, and so the delivery of one of these prizes was a rare and noteworthy circumstance; -- Mark Twain
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Are you an American? No, I am not an American. I am the American. -- Mark Twain
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Darwin abolished special creations, contributed the Origin of Species and hitched all life together in one unbroken procession. -- Mark Twain
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God's noblest work. Man who found it out? Man. -- Mark Twain
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I am a border-ruffian from the State of Missouri. I am a Connecticut Yankee by adoption. In me, you have Missouri morals, Connecticut culture; this, gentlemen, is the combination which makes the perfect man. -- Mark Twain
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The mere knowledge of a fact is pale; but when you come to realize your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference between hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart, and seeing it done. -- Mark Twain
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It takes three weeks to prepare a good ad-lib speech. -- Mark Twain
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we consulted the guide-books and were rejoiced to know that there were no sights in Odessa to see; and so we had one good, untrammeled holyday on our hands, with nothing to do but idle about the city and enjoy ourselves. -- Mark Twain
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Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing so annoying as a good example!! -- Mark Twain
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. -- Mark Twain
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The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell together, as quickly as possible. -- Mark Twain
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation. -- Mark Twain
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Kings cannot ennoble thee, thou good, great soul, for One who is higher than kings hath done that for thee; but a king can confirm thy nobility to men. -- Mark Twain
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A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. -- Mark Twain
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I was warned to stop smoking, which I did, for two or three days, but it was too lonesome, and I have resumed - in a modified way - 4 smokes a day instead of 40. This will have a good effect. On the bank balance. -- Mark Twain
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Compliments make me vain: & when I am vain, I am insolent & overbearing. It is a pity, too, because I love compliments. I love them even when they are not so. My child, I can live on a good compliment two weeks with nothing else to eat. -- Mark Twain
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No man has an appreciation so various that his judgment is good upon all varieties of literary work. -- Mark Twain
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Prophecy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. -- Mark Twain
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If I had the remaking of man, he wouldn't have any conscience. It is one of the most disagreeable things connected with a person; and although it certainly does a great deal of good, it cannot be said to pay, in the long run; it would be much better to have less good and more comfort. -- Mark Twain
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I can last two months on a good compliment. -- Mark Twain
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Manners!" he said. "Why, it is merely the truth, and truth is good manners; manners are a fiction. The castle is done. Do you like it? -- Mark Twain
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In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had. -- Mark Twain
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What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. -- Mark Twain
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One ought always to lie, when one can do good by it; -- Mark Twain
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Good-bye...if we meet... -- Mark Twain
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It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one. -- Mark Twain
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I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one. -- Mark Twain
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There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. -- Mark Twain
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Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness. -- Mark Twain
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Stars and shadows ain't good to see by. -- Mark Twain
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The catfish is Plenty good enough fish for anyone -- Mark Twain
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Good wine needs no bush; a jug is the thing. -- Mark Twain
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Not a sparrow falls to the ground without His seeing it." "But it falls, just the same. What good is seeing it fall? -- Mark Twain
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A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can't travel any way but sideways and backways. -- Mark Twain
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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes; when bad, he is entitled to none at all. -- Mark Twain
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We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground - for we have all been babies. -- Mark Twain
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Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. -- Mark Twain
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This is Huck Finn, a child of mine of shady reputation. Be good to him for his parent's sake. -- Mark Twain
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I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives had grown old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good. -- Mark Twain
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The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer. -- Mark Twain
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The Bible has noble poetry in it ... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies. -- Mark Twain
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Be good and you'll be lonesome -- Mark Twain
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It is full of interest, it has noble poetry in it and some clever fables and some blood drenched history, some good morals and a wealth of obscenity and upwards of a thousand lies.
(Re The Bible) -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing more frustrating than a good example. -- Mark Twain
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Such is luck! And such the treatment which honest, good perservance gets so often at the hands of unfair and malicious Nature! -- Mark Twain
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Spare the rod and spile the child, as the Good Book says. I'm a laying up sin and suffering for us both, -- Mark Twain
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. -- Mark Twain
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How often we recall with regret that Napoleon once shot at a magazine editor and missed him and killed a publisher. But we remember with charity that his intentions were good. -- Mark Twain
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Artemus Ward used that trick a good deal; then when the belated audience presently caught the joke he would look up with innocent surprise, as if wondering what they had found to laugh at. Dan Setchell used it before -- Mark Twain
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He was a good enough sort of cretur, and hadn't no harm in him, and was just a genius, as the papers said, which wasn't his fault. -- Mark Twain
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And whoever will take that motto and live by it will be likely to succeed. There's many a way to win, in this world, but none of them is worth much without good hard work back of it. -- Mark Twain
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In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them. -- Mark Twain
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A woman's intuition is better than a man's. Nobody knows anything, really, you know, and a woman can guess a good deal nearer than a man. -- Mark Twain
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No temperance society which is well officered and which has the real good of our fellow-men in view, will ever get drunk save in the seclusion of its temperance hall. -- Mark Twain
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Be good and you will be lonesome. -- Mark Twain
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How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. -- Mark Twain
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It's a good thing for a dog to have fleas; keeps his mind off being a dog. -- Mark Twain
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Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful. -- Mark Twain
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Half of the results of a good intentions are evil; half the results of an evil intention are good. -- Mark Twain
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When we badly want a thing, we go to hunting for good and righteous reasons for it; we give it that fine name to comfort our consciences, whereas we privately know we are only hunting for plausible ones. -- Mark Twain
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I hate editors, for they make me abandon a lot of perfectly good English words. -- Mark Twain
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Warm summer sun,
shine brightly here,
Warm Southern wind,
blow softly here,
Green sod above,
lie light, lie light,
Good night, dear heart;
good night, good night. -- Mark Twain
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If books are not good company, where shall I find it? -- Mark Twain
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In other localities certain places in the streams are much better than others, but at Niagara one place is just as good as another, for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere. -- Mark Twain
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The fact is, the king was a good deal more than a king, he was a man; and when a man is a man, you can't knock it out of him. -- Mark Twain
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It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense -- Mark Twain
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Good exercise for the heart: reach out and help your neighbor -- Mark Twain
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God puts something good and loveable in every man His hands create. -- Mark Twain
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All good things arrive unto them that wait - and don't die in the meantime. -- Mark Twain
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He put his foot on it, and lifted one of the sleeves out with his teeth, and chewed and chewed at it, gradually taking it in, and all the while opening and closing his eyes in a kind of religious ecstasy, as if he had never tasted anything as good as an overcoat before, in his life. -- Mark Twain
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None of us can be as great as God, but any of us can be as good. -- Mark Twain
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A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught. -- Mark Twain
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It does us all good to unbend sometimes. -- Mark Twain
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The exquisitely bad is as satisfying to the soul as the exquisitely good. Only the mediocre is unendurable. -- Mark Twain
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Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing! -- Mark Twain
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Concentration of power in a political machine is bad; and and an Established Church is only a political machine; it was invented for that; it is nursed, cradled, preserved for that; it is an enemy to human liberty, and does no good which it could not better do in a split-up and scattered condition. -- Mark Twain
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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. -- Mark Twain
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The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases. -- Mark Twain
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Yes, I am of old family, and not illiterate. I am a fossil." "A which?" "Fossil. The first horses were fossils. They date back two million years. -- Mark Twain
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Delicacy - a sad, sad false delicacy - robs literature of the two best things among its belongings: Family-circle narratives & obscene stories. -- Mark Twain
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I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don't study any more,- I have given it up. -- Mark Twain
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Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" - which is but a matter of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Pull all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET." - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar -- Mark Twain
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Inherently, each one of us has the substance within to achieve whatever our goals and dreams define. What is missing from each of us is the training, education, knowledge and insight to utilize what we already have. -- Mark Twain
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An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency. -- Mark Twain
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Ain't you my chile? En does you know anything dat a mother won't do for her chile? Day ain't nothin' a white mother won't do for her chile. Who made 'em so? De Lord done it. En who made de niggers? De Lord made 'em. In de inside, mothers is all de same. De good lord he made 'em so. -- Mark Twain
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Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. -- Mark Twain
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There is no prophecy in our day but history. But history is a trustworthy prophet. History is always repeating itself, because conditions are always repeating themselves. Out of duplicated conditions history always gets a duplicate product. -- Mark Twain
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Newport, Rhode Island, that breeding place-that stud farm, so to speak-of aristocracy; aristocracy of the American type. -- Mark Twain
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Then she told me all about the bad place, and said I wished I was there. She got mad, then, but I didn't mean no harm. All I wanted was to go somewheres, all I wanted was a change, I warn't particular -- Mark Twain
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Slade had to kill several men - some say three, others say four, and others six - but the world was the richer for their loss. -- Mark Twain
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When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself. -- Mark Twain
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The truth is, a person's memory has no more sense that his conscience, and no appreciation whatever of values and proportions. -- Mark Twain
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There has never been a Protestant boy nor a Protestant girl whose mind the Bible has not soiled. -- Mark Twain
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We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music. -- Mark Twain
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He is in heaven now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and is content; for in that place he will find neither abbot nor yet bishop. -- Mark Twain
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She remained both girl and woman to the last day of her life. Under a grave and gentle exterior burned inextinguishable fires of sympathy, energy, devotion, enthusiasm, and absolutely limitless affection. -- Mark Twain
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Oh, they have just a bully time - take ships and burn them, and get the money and bury it in awful places in their island where there's ghosts and things to watch it, and kill everybody in the ships - make 'em walk a plank. -- Mark Twain
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Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable. -- Mark Twain
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They said they would rather be outlaws a year in Sherwood Forest than President of the United States forever. -- Mark Twain
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I am persuaded that a coldly-thought-out and independent verdict upon a fashion in clothes, or manners, or literature, or politics, or religion, or any other matter that is projected into the field of our notice and interest, is a most rare thing -- if it has indeed ever existed. -- Mark Twain
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We could use up two Eternities in learning all that is to be learned about our own world and the thousands of nations that have arisen and flourished and vanished from it. Mathematics alone would occupy me eight million years. -- Mark Twain
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THANKSGIVING DAY. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. -- Mark Twain
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Your friends may love you in private but your enemies will hate you in public. -- Mark Twain
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Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think it is. -- Mark Twain
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Too much is just enough. -- Mark Twain
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Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds. -- Mark Twain
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I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate ... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead. -- Mark Twain
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There's no such thing as an uninteresting life, such a thing is an impossibility. Beneath the dullest exterior, there is a drama, a comedy, a tragedy. -- Mark Twain
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There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy. -- Mark Twain
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There is no security in life, only opportunity. -- Mark Twain
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Irrevence is another person's disrespect to your god; there isn't any word that tells what your disrespect to his god is. -- Mark Twain
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But in this country we have one great privilege which they don't have in other countries. When a thing gets to be absolutely unbearable the people can rise up and throw it off. That's the finest asset we've got - the ballot box. -- Mark Twain
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I don't like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell, you see, I have friends in both places. -- Mark Twain
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I sometimes wonder if our world leaders are very smart and just putting us on, or very stupid and mean it. -- Mark Twain
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Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by. -- Mark Twain
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A public library is the most enduring of memorials, the trustiest monument for the preservation of an event or a name or an affection; for it, and it only, is respected by wars and revolutions, and survives them.
[Letter to the Millicent (Rogers) Library, February 22, 1894] -- Mark Twain
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Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. -- Mark Twain
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The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying. -- Mark Twain
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I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. -- Mark Twain
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Drag your thoughts away
from your troubles ...
by the ears, by the heels,
or any other way you can manage it. -- Mark Twain
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To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is finer. -- Mark Twain
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Work like you don't need the money. Dance like no one is watching. And love like you've never been hurt. -- Mark Twain
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Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age. -- Mark Twain
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The weakest of all weak things is a virtue which has not been tested in the fire. -- Mark Twain
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I could see he meant no offense, but in my thoughts I set it down as not very good manners.
"Manners!" he said. "Why, it is merely the truth, and truth is good manners; manners are a fiction. -- Mark Twain
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You cannot trust your eyes, if your imagination is out of focus. -- Mark Twain
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Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt. -- Mark Twain
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Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion -- Mark Twain
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There is nothing but that frail breastwork of earth between the people and destruction. -- Mark Twain
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In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money. -- Mark Twain
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Had I never loved, I never would have been unhappy; but I turn to Him who can save, and if His wisdom does not will my expected union, I know He will give me strength to bear my lot. -- Mark Twain
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What a curious kind of fool a girl is. Never been licked in school. What's a licking? -- Mark Twain
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He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over. -- Mark Twain
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Morals are an acquirement, like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis, no man is born with them. -- Mark Twain
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The convention missionaries call "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anybody's whim - anybody's diseased caprice. -- Mark Twain
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A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle. -- Mark Twain
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They told me the first mourner to come was the dog. He came uninvited, and stood up on his hind legs and rested his fore paws upon the trestle, and took a last long look at the face that was so dear to him, then went his way as silently as he had come. HE KNOWS. -- Mark Twain