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A vampire? How ith that pothible? I died in a car ackthident, for God'th thake! Aw, thon of a bith! -- Maryjanice Davidson
He turned to her and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. When he spoke his deep voice vibrated all through her. 'I. Remember. Everything. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Touch my things again, whether I'm dead or not, and I'll kick your ass up into your shoulder blades. -- Maryjanice Davidson
You just never knew when a totally normal vampire errand would end in a bloodbath with severed-limb soap. -- Maryjanice Davidson
What's amazing is that she was possessed by Satan for almost a year and nobody noticed anything unusual! -- Maryjanice Davidson
Why don't you mind your own fucking business?" I snapped. "If I want to take my sister to my place of business, that's my own damned business and not any of your business." Was I overusing the word business? Fuck it. "So mind your own business. -- Maryjanice Davidson
... and who are you, anyway?"
"I'm Tina."
"Thank goodness!" I said so loudly she stepped back. "No silly-ass overdone names for you, m'girl."
"It's short for Christina Caresse Chavelle."
"Well, you did the best you could. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I love traveling, but I love the bum I married, and the bums I gave birth to, more. And the dogs. I love them, too. -- Maryjanice Davidson
The mouth of a passionate lover ... or a woman who would bite when she was angry. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Being a writer is great, and being a parent is great, and I hate Marching Band. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I own two beautiful homes, and I'm always half-expecting the cops to pull in, seize me with firm compassion, and escort me out. -- Maryjanice Davidson
All this to say of course Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. -- Maryjanice Davidson
The silly antics that would get me in trouble at school have put me on the best-seller list. So I guess the moral here is ignore your teach ... never mind. That's not the moral. Probably. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms. -- Maryjanice Davidson
It never failed - I'd buy a new journal, write like a madwoman for ten pages, then lose total interest in the process. Three months later, I'd start the whole process all over again. I think I just liked buying new notebooks. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Can you burn me up with holy water? Poke me to death with your crucifix? Pelt me with communion wafers? -- Maryjanice Davidson
Kissing Sinclair was like making out with a sexy timber wolf - he was licking my fangs and nipping me lightly and growling under his breath and it was ... oh, it was really something. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my eyeballs throb. They're throbbing, dammit! -- Maryjanice Davidson
Hi, the werewolf said. He was dark-haired and broad, with gold eyes, big hands, and a feral scruffiness that Cole felt and instantly responded to. He had the weird urge to kill a cow and present it to the stranger. Two cows. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Crying's okay while it lasts, but you can only do it for so long. And it's weird to do it when you apparently can't make tears anymore (did this mean I wouldn't pee or sweat, either?). Anyway, eventually you're done, and you have to figure out what to do next. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm in a Roadrunner cartoon, Sinclair. And I'm the coyote. -- Maryjanice Davidson
My 20s were a blizzard of rejection slips. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I once came back from a book tour where sleek black cars driven by nice men in black suits waited for me at every hotel, took me to every signing, brought me back, opened car doors for me. They were great. I was great. It was a wonderful tour. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago."
"Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear? -- Maryjanice Davidson
I really did have my reasons. I don't blame you for being mmpphhh-phargle.
She mmpphh-phargled because he tugged her into his embrace and buried his nose in her hair. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Andrew Vachss, the best noir-ey writer in the history of the genre, called cats the lap dancers of the animal world. Give them attention, they're there. Stop, they're outta there. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm the wife of a king, and the mother of kings. And I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. So fuck off, Jack.- Queen Christina (The Royal Treatment) -- Maryjanice Davidson
AT&T works in Hell. I can't think about it very long or I'll get really, really scared of AT&T. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I love interviews, meeting fans, teaching workshops, giving speeches ... all of it. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Might as well toss this, Chickie, it's ruined. What was it like, getting shot?"
"What kind of a dumb ass question is that from a guy who went to medical school? It hurt! -- Maryjanice Davidson
Magic: The Gathering is like Dungeons and Dragons if D&D was played with cards and didn't take 18 weeks. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I've always assumed he'd be around to be, you know, yelled at and taken for granted. And of course I was wrong. Nobody's going to put up with that forever. -- Maryjanice Davidson
He said my name the way diabetics talked about hot fudge sundaes. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Leave it to a vampire to think a healthy guy in his late thirties or early forties was on his deathbed. -- Maryjanice Davidson
When I first quit my day job, I was terrified. I called my editors and said I'm trying to make a go of this, and they threw every contract at me they could. And for two years, I had a book or an anthology out every month. -- Maryjanice Davidson
She couldn't tell where his pupils ended and the irises began; looking into those eyes was like looking into a well where children had drowned. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm rubber and you're glue," I told Satan, " and everything that bounces of me sticks to you. -- Maryjanice Davidson
You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Eric came to Macy's? Did he burst into flames the moment he passed the first cash register? -- Maryjanice Davidson
God is dead! Only the IT department can help you now.
-Edward Smegger in Super, Girl! (p. 79) -- Maryjanice Davidson
I looked up. Mom looked down at me with the compassion/practicality combo that was her trademark. -- Maryjanice Davidson
What the hell was it about e-mail that made everybody forget the stuff they learned in second grade, like capitalizing I and proper names, and using periods? Hello? We all learned how to do this less than five years out of diapers! -- Maryjanice Davidson
The man had a dick on him that wouldn't quit. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Somehow, when I wasn't looking, somehow because it's electronic mail, none of the basic grammar rules applied. -- Maryjanice Davidson
First of all, skim? That's white water. That's all skim milk is: they take out all the wonderful stuff that makes milk taste like milk and replace it with white water and people actually drink that shit. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Majesty, I beg your forgiveness for the idignity you suffered and offer you the head of our enemy as - "
"Put that thing down," I said impatiently. "I can't talk to you when you're shaking his head like a damned maraca. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I fucking hate tomato juice! It's like drinking red snot. -- Maryjanice Davidson
To paraphrase Stephen King, sometimes an accident can be an unhappy woman's best friend. Put -- Maryjanice Davidson
I could have gone to medical school, I said. Except for all the math and stuff. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Back off, boys. You don't want to mess with an out-of-work secretary. We're real testy. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I zoomed in on the shoe department like a blonde homing pigeon. Shoes, shoes everywhere! Ah, sweet shoes. I truly think you can take the measure of a civilization by looking at its footwear. -- Maryjanice Davidson
WHEN I finally slowed and looked around, I saw with amazement I'd trotted sixteen blocks in about three minutes. Summer Olympics, here I come. Assuming they held the races at night. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Getting gratitude is becoming a thing with you, but even so, you're the worst Antichrist ever," Jessica said. "Which is actually comforting. Stay close. -- Maryjanice Davidson
You'll pay," she said stonily. "You won't be like this by this time tomorrow."
"Bored and pissed off? God, I hope not. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I've got a folder full of rejection slips that I keep. Know why? Because those same editors are now calling my agent hoping I'll write a book or novella for them. Things change. A rejection slip today might mean a frantic call to your agent in six months. -- Maryjanice Davidson
A grumpy vampire is a homicidal vampire. Hungry ones were even worse. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I guess you could say that no matter what the characters are enduring, I try to make them retain their humanity. Their self-absorbed, grouchy, selfish, aggravating humanity. -- Maryjanice Davidson
He snarled at me. "This isn't over yet, Betsy."
"Excellent," I said. "I would also have accepted 'You haven't seen the last of me' and 'You'll regret this'. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I ducked again as her Hellfire sword whistled over my head, and sidestepped so quickly I tripped over a chair. I was in such a hurry to scramble to my feet that for a few seconds I ran in place, like the Road Runner. -- Maryjanice Davidson
A gold cage is still a cage.
-King David I
Oh, go cry in a bag of money.
-Queen Christina -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm a sucker for the big, gruff, distant, emotionally closed-off hero who sloooowly warms up to the feisty, awesome, sweet heroine. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Friends are such a mixed blessing. -- Maryjanice Davidson
You have attained maturity; display it for us, if you please. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'll cough up the bitter truth right now, at the risk of losing my Feminism Club Decoder Ring: I didn't go see 'Inside Out' for Amy Poehler, though she's terrific. I went to see my dark prince, Lewis Black. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I slipped one of the shoes off, looked at the inside. Property of Antonia O'Neill Taylor. I knew it. My stepmother! The bitch meant to bury me wearing her cast off shoes! -- Maryjanice Davidson
Elizabeth Anne Taylor April 25, 1974 - April 25, 2004 Our Sweetheart, Only resting -- Maryjanice Davidson
I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Also,I loathe it when you refer to me as dude Eric Sinclair to Betsy -- Maryjanice Davidson
Never let your fiend off his leash unless there's lots of room to run (and no people around). -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm really fortunate that I type 120 words a minute. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Take your hands off her, Sinclair told the guy behind me, Or they'll write books about what I'll do to you. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy ... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me! -- Maryjanice Davidson
Has anyone ever told you that you lack focus? -- Maryjanice Davidson
I might occasionally forget how to open a car door and have too many shower curtains, but I've got some standards. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Then she (Queen Christina) stood with the Prince and grinned like a monkey and waved like a fucked-up prom queen while about a thousand flashbulb went off in her face. -- Maryjanice Davidson
It was scary how much she sounded like me sometimes. Maybe that's why she totally got on my nerves -- Maryjanice Davidson
It's inappropriate for the queen of the dead to be afraid of
ghosts. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I can't not write funny. It's literally the only way I know how to do it. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless'. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I suppose I should say something negative about vampires living in sin," Father Markus said, "but that seems to be the least of your problems. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I trudged around on the muddy river bottom for half an hour, patiently waiting to drown, before giving up and slogging my way back to shore. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Delk shifted in his chair, the arrow point never wavering. "What do you want?"
"Oh, the usual.World peace, a pair of Christian Louboton heels, a perfect wedding. -- Maryjanice Davidson
What it comes down to is this, Betsy: you do what you need to, and then you haul ass out of there. Every single time. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Mom, he was fucking my mother. He's a motherfucker!
- Sleeping with the Fishes -- Maryjanice Davidson
So you're a vampire?"
"Yes. But don't be scared. I'm still a nice person. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Never, EVER give up. Not ever. Not EVER. Ever EVER! -- Maryjanice Davidson
I wrote for free for, like, fifteen years; I could redo my parlor in rejection slips. It would be surprisingly tasteful - they use nice paper. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Hell couldn't be worse than a WalMart after midnight, right? -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'd go to a bookstore, and I'd flip through flap copy, and I'd think, 'If this gal can get published, I can get published.' -- Maryjanice Davidson
There's more than one way for a girl to Google a cat. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have a life. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Here I am, just wandering down a deserted street in the middle of the night. I hope I don't run into any trouble. Goodness, that would just ruin my whole evening. I strolled and hummed, trying to project Innocent Victim. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I like the idea of federal employees licensed to carry weapons who are also heavily medicated; it just works for me on all sorts of levels. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm not playing vamp politics. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I mean, not that I killed her just to get the car, or anything. -- Maryjanice Davidson
This is a great time to shut up and kiss me.
To her delight, Blake obliged. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm more to my family than a wonderful, luminous cook. I'm also a wonderful, luminous butler and a wonderful, luminous chauffer. And checkbook. I'm a luminous checkbook, too. -- Maryjanice Davidson
Among other things, Marching Band forms state that if my kid starts acting like a li'l jerkface on a trip, Marching Band can call and command me to pick up my li'l jerkface. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I've found I can plunge the characters into whatever absurd, awful situation, and readers will follow as long as the writer makes them seem like 'real people.' -- Maryjanice Davidson
We have souls. Sure we do. Otherwise we'd do bad things all the time. You know, like
politicians. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I swore we'd never be together, but - '
'Your inner whore would not be denied.' she finished. -- Maryjanice Davidson
If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing -- Maryjanice Davidson
I turned. Tall, Dark, and Sinister was rapidly approaching. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I'm so dull, the fucking cat runs away about three times a month just to get a little excitement. And -- Maryjanice Davidson
Why is it suddenly uncool to spell? That's all I want to know. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I can't believe your boss tried to kill you, too," Jessica said. "I mean, I know they're trying to keep the unemployment rate down, but that's ridiculous."
"Most people think their bosses are out to get them. But mine really was! -- Maryjanice Davidson
I stared harder. Come on, vampire mojo. Do your thing. "Don't. Kill. Yourself."
"Why. Are you. Talking. Like this? -- Maryjanice Davidson
Wow, girlfriend, you're incompatible with life!
And here I thought I was just incompatible with pink. -- Maryjanice Davidson
All writers are crazy. So never mind what the editors and your family and your critique group tells you. Submit your manuscripts and keep submitting until you get an offer. Then you can be crazy, with a paycheck. -- Maryjanice Davidson
George you were very very bad to run away from Alice. Very bad But you were very good to stomp Sinclair when he was being a dick so I think we'll call this a wash. -- Maryjanice Davidson
They weren't moving. Perhaps I was dazzling then with my ineptitude. It had happened before. -- Maryjanice Davidson
What can I say? Death is messy. And she had it coming. -- Maryjanice Davidson
A day without the Antichrist sitting in judgment on you is a day without sunshine. -- Maryjanice Davidson
I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to be recognized. But I was kind of a prude about cheating on taxes, group sex, murder, and stuff. -- Maryjanice Davidson
It's a long story. Prepared to be regaled. -- Maryjanice Davidson
