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There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful,
And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends. -- Ogden Nash
Life has a tendency to obfuscate and bewilder, Such as fating us to spend the first part of our lives being embarrassed by our parents and the last part being embarrassed by our children. -- Ogden Nash
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat
Over everything debatable and combatable
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life
Particularly if he has income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash
Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer -- Ogden Nash
If some confectioners were willing
To let the shape announce the filling,
We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs,
Bitten into and returned to the box. -- Ogden Nash
Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes! -- Ogden Nash
Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor. -- Ogden Nash
Women would rather be right than reasonable. -- Ogden Nash
When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food. -- Ogden Nash
I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew. -- Ogden Nash
Which the Chicken and Which the Egg?
He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;
She thinks she scolds because he drinks;
And nether will admit what's true,
That he's a sot and she's a shrew. -- Ogden Nash
Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy them without money? -- Ogden Nash
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental. -- Ogden Nash
There is one fault that I must find
With the twentieth century.
And I'll put it in a couple of words;
Too adventury.
What I'd like would be some nice dull monotony
If anyone's gotony. -- Ogden Nash
Hark to the sky of a seagull!
He cries because he's not an eagle.
Oh, what if you were you silly he-gull?
What would you say to your she-gull? -- Ogden Nash
This is my dream, It is my own dream, I dreamt it. I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it. -- Ogden Nash
I could not eat a kangaroo. But many fine Australians do. Those with cookbooks as well as boomerangs Prefer him in tasty kangaroo-meringues. -- Ogden Nash
I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. -- Ogden Nash
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. -- Ogden Nash
To Tom Carlson or his dog-depending on whose taste it best suits. -- Ogden Nash
Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around. -- Ogden Nash
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash
It's my own dream, I dreamt it, I dreamt that my hair was kempt, then I dremat my true love unkempt it. -- Ogden Nash
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. -- Ogden Nash
I'm like a backward berry, Unripened on the vine, For all my friends are fifty, And I'm only forty-nine. -- Ogden Nash
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin. -- Ogden Nash
It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts,
That all sin is divided into two parts.
One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very
important -- Ogden Nash
Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We're late, darling, we're late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon. -- Ogden Nash
A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus. -- Ogden Nash
Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures
take them, George, they're yours! -- Ogden Nash
Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature ... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead. -- Ogden Nash
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. -- Ogden Nash
Senescence begins
And middle-age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends -- Ogden Nash
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~ Ogden Nash -- Ogden Nash
Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways. -- Ogden Nash
He without benefit of scruples - His fun and money soon quadruples. -- Ogden Nash
And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more. -- Ogden Nash
The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor. -- Ogden Nash
Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation. -- Ogden Nash
Only the gamefish swims upstream, But the sensible fish swims down. -- Ogden Nash
The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state the dog is full of love.
I've also proved, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest. -- Ogden Nash
There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.' -- Ogden Nash
Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough. -- Ogden Nash
Philo Vance / Needs a kick in the pance. -- Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. -- Ogden Nash
To maintain your marriage brimming, with really like in the wedding cup, anytime you are incorrect, admit it each time you're proper, shut up. -- Ogden Nash
I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I grow older: Don't try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don't ever look over your shoulder. -- Ogden Nash
I was born a jackdaw; why should I try to be an owl? -- Ogden Nash
My garden will never make me famous. I'm a horticultural ignoramus. I can't tell a string-bean from a soybean, or even a girl bean from a boy bean -- Ogden Nash
When there are monsters there are miracles. -- Ogden Nash
Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon I hate having my picture taken. How can your family claim to love you And then demand a picture of you? -- Ogden Nash
It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin,
That lays eggs under your skin. -- Ogden Nash
I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine. -- Ogden Nash
Smallpox is natural; vaccine ain't. -- Ogden Nash
The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath. -- Ogden Nash
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers. -- Ogden Nash
There was a young man of Herne Bay
who was making some fireworks one day:
but he dropped his cigar
in the gunpowder jar.
There was a young man of Herne Bay. -- Ogden Nash
Here lies my past, Goodbye I have kissed it; Thank you kids, I wouldn't have missed it. -- Ogden Nash
There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze, And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind is gossipees. -- Ogden Nash
Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden Nash
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk. -- Ogden Nash
Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road. -- Ogden Nash
Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going. -- Ogden Nash
A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage. -- Ogden Nash
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw -- Ogden Nash
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor. -- Ogden Nash
And you stagger down to break your fast. Greasy bacon and lacquered eggs And coffee composed of frigid dregs. -- Ogden Nash
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. -- Ogden Nash
We love the kindly wind and hail, The jolly thunderbolt, We watch in glee the fairy trail Of ampere, watt, and volt. -- Ogden Nash
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental. -- Ogden Nash
No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed. -- Ogden Nash
THE GRACKLE
The -- Ogden Nash
Neath tile or thatch That man is rich Who has a scratch For every itch. -- Ogden Nash
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? -- Ogden Nash
Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year! -- Ogden Nash
Remorse is violent dyspepsia of the mind. -- Ogden Nash
The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions -- Ogden Nash
So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else. -- Ogden Nash
How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge! -- Ogden Nash
Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force. -- Ogden Nash
There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction. -- Ogden Nash
Poets arent very usefulBecause they aren't consumeful or produceful.. -- Ogden Nash
My fellow man I do not care for.
I often ask me, What's he there for?
The only answer i can find
Is, Reproduction of his kind. -- Ogden Nash
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. -- Ogden Nash
A lady is known by the product she endorses. -- Ogden Nash
One thing that literature would be greatly the better for
Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and>metaphor. -- Ogden Nash
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. -- Ogden Nash
O thrice unhappy home Whose master doesn't know the difference between a watt and an ohm! -- Ogden Nash
Miranda in Miranda's sight is old, gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty. -- Ogden Nash
At least when I get on the Boston train I have a good chance of landing in the South Station
And not in that part of the daily press which is reserved for victims of aviation. -- Ogden Nash
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash
I think progress began to retrogress when Wilbur and Orville started tinkering around in Dayton and at Kitty Hawk, because I believe that two Wrights made a wrong. -- Ogden Nash
The sky is now indelible ink, The branches reft asunder; But you and I we do not shrink; We love the lovely thunder. -- Ogden Nash
The song of canaries
Never varies,
And when they're moulting
They're pretty revolting. -- Ogden Nash
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash
Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. -- Ogden Nash
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden Nash
I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament. -- Ogden Nash
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. -- Ogden Nash
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control. -- Ogden Nash
Some people's money is merited and other people's is inherited. -- Ogden Nash
Were it not for frustration and humiliation
I suppose the human race would get ideas above its station. -- Ogden Nash
In the world of mules
There are no rules. -- Ogden Nash
If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate. -- Ogden Nash
Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how. Some people think they will eventually wear diamonds instead of rhinestones Only by everlastingly keeping their noses to their ghrinestones -- Ogden Nash
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. -- Ogden Nash
The oboe's a horn made of wood.
I'd play you a tune if I could,
But the reeds are a pain,
And the fingering's insane.
It's the ill wind that no one blows good. -- Ogden Nash
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. -- Ogden Nash
There's nothing that keeps it's youth
So far as I know, but a tree and the truth
-- Ogden Nash
When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born. -- Ogden Nash
The old men know when an old man dies. -- Ogden Nash
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why. -- Ogden Nash
Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while. -- Ogden Nash
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. -- Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. -- Ogden Nash
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash
There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin. -- Ogden Nash
All that glitters is sold as gold. -- Ogden Nash
Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it. -- Ogden Nash
Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early? -- Ogden Nash
O, money, money, money, I'm not necessarily one of those who think thee holy,
But I often stop to wonder how thou canst go out so fast when thou comest in so slowly. -- Ogden Nash
How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick? -- Ogden Nash
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. -- Ogden Nash
A dressing is not a compote A dressing is not a custard It consists of pepper and salt, Vinegar, oil and mustard. -- Ogden Nash
The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you? -- Ogden Nash
Maybe I couldn't be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after. -- Ogden Nash
One rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it/Never lend any money to anybody unless they don't need it. -- Ogden Nash
Why did the Lord give use so much quickness unless it was to avoid responsibility? -- Ogden Nash
The Bronx? No Thonx! -- Ogden Nash
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. -- Ogden Nash
A dog's best friend is his illiteracy. -- Ogden Nash
Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot. -- Ogden Nash
I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat. -- Ogden Nash
Parsley is gharsley. -- Ogden Nash
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon.
Let others say his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden Nash
Passivity can be a provoking modus operandi;
Consider the Empire and Gandhi. -- Ogden Nash
In real life, it takes only one to make a quarrel. -- Ogden Nash
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them. -- Ogden Nash
Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash
No, you never get any fun
Out of the things you haven't done. -- Ogden Nash
People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December. -- Ogden Nash
Stuyvesant chats with Kelly and Katz, The professor warms to the broker, And life is good in the brotherhood Of an air-conditioned smoker. -- Ogden Nash
Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it. -- Ogden Nash
Too much Chablis can make you whablis. -- Ogden Nash
Either you get eaten by a wolf today or else the shepherd saves you from the wolf so he can sell you to the butcher tomorrow -- Ogden Nash
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. -- Ogden Nash
Too clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash
Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech. -- Ogden Nash
Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him. -- Ogden Nash
If called by a panther, don't anther. -- Ogden Nash
But all ladies think they weigh too much. -- Ogden Nash
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. -- Ogden Nash
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly. -- Ogden Nash
I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it. -- Ogden Nash
Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world. -- Ogden Nash
Ten years ago she split the air To seize what she could spy Tonight she bumps against a chair, Betrayed by milky eye. She seems to pant, Time up, time up! My little dog must die, And lie in dust with Hector's pup; I So, presently, must I. -- Ogden Nash
Basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo. -- Ogden Nash
Some one invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers. -- Ogden Nash
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. -- Ogden Nash
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year. -- Ogden Nash
People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different. People look At them with eyes that wonder when ... People watch with unshocked eyes; But the old men know when an old man dies. -- Ogden Nash
The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat. -- Ogden Nash
Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches. -- Ogden Nash
Man is a victim of dope
In the incurable form of hope! -- Ogden Nash
One would be in less danger From the wiles of the stranger If one's own kin and kith Were more fun to be with. -- Ogden Nash
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind, But it is very difficult to treat because it cannot even be defined, Because everything is not gold that glisters and everything is not a tear that glistens, And one man's remorse is another man's reminiscence -- Ogden Nash
You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't. -- Ogden Nash
I'd rather be a great bad poet than a good bad poet. -- Ogden Nash
Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I'm in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was. -- Ogden Nash
When a lady's erotic life is vexed God knows what God is coming next. -- Ogden Nash
I am tarred and feathered with Time. -- Ogden Nash
A Caution to Everybody
consider the Auk.
Becoming extinct before because he forgot out to fly and could only walk.
Consider Man, who may well become extinct,
Because he forgot how to walk and learned to fly before he thinked. -- Ogden Nash
No man is greater than his respect for sleep. -- Ogden Nash
The reason for much matrimony is patrimony. -- Ogden Nash
The burnt child, urged by rankling ire, Can hardly wait to get back at the fire. -- Ogden Nash
Where there is a monster, there is a miracle. -- Ogden Nash
An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks. -- Ogden Nash
He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance. -- Ogden Nash
Time is like the ocean, always there, always different. -- Ogden Nash
Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor. -- Ogden Nash
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. -- Ogden Nash
The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers. -- Ogden Nash
A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed exactly like her. -- Ogden Nash
You can have my jellyfish
I am not sellyfish -- Ogden Nash
The codfish is a staple food For which I'm seldom in the mood. This fish is such an utter loss That people eat it with egg sauce. -- Ogden Nash
A cough is something that you yourself cant help, but everybody else does on purpose just to torment you. -- Ogden Nash
He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more -- Ogden Nash
They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball. -- Ogden Nash
Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts, Can't seem just to say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else. -- Ogden Nash
A jolly young fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma;
now his skeleton lies
beneath hot western skies-
the puma had no sense of huma -- Ogden Nash
One thing about the past. It's likely to last. -- Ogden Nash
But children, hark! Your mother would rather, When you arrived, have been your father. -- Ogden Nash
At another year I would not boggle Except that when I jog I joggle. -- Ogden Nash
To love is an active verb. -- Ogden Nash
The moral is that it is probably better not to sin at all, but if
some kind of sin you must be pursuing,
Well, remember to do it by doing rather than by not doing. -- Ogden Nash
A bit of talcum Is always walcum. -- Ogden Nash
Elephants are useful friends: they have handles on both ends. -- Ogden Nash
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe. -- Ogden Nash
Professional men, they have no cares;
Whatever happens, they get theirs. -- Ogden Nash
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Ogden Nash
When you're wrong admit it, when you're right, shut up. -- Ogden Nash
I don't care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don't say them to my face. -- Ogden Nash
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. -- Ogden Nash
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. -- Ogden Nash
You can take it as understood,
That your luck changes only if it's good. -- Ogden Nash
One bliss for which There is no match Is when you itch To up and scratch. -- Ogden Nash
Don't over-analyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing. -- Ogden Nash
Bankers are just like everybody else, except richer. -- Ogden Nash
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. -- Ogden Nash
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden Nash
Don't Cry Darling, It's Blood All Right -- Ogden Nash
Very Like a Whale -- Ogden Nash
I think in terms of rhyme, and have since I was six years old, -- Ogden Nash
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. -- Ogden Nash
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. -- Ogden Nash
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat. -- Ogden Nash
ADVENTURES OF ISABEL
Isabel -- Ogden Nash
Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. -- Ogden Nash
The further through life I drift the more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift. -- Ogden Nash
