Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by P. J. O'rourke, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring P. J. O'rourke quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 838 P. J. O'rourke quotes for you to read and share.

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I think every high school student who was alert during the early '60s got very embittered by the slow progress and the violence surrounding the Civil Rights Movement. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner." -- P. J. O'rourke
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes and gossip and silky evening breezes. So, too, in America. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The best and brightest don't go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scutter. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's a love of rhetorical skill in the Muslim world. Osama bin Laden doesn't just go on tape cassettes and say, 'America sucks.' He recites poetry; he finds things that 'America sucks' rhymes with. -- P. J. O'rourke
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France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I'm not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If we want the whole world to be rich, we need to start loving wealth. In the difference between poverty and plenty, the problem is the pverty, not the difference. Wealth is good. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is. -- P. J. O'rourke
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No doubt the ridiculous politicians are right to like politics. They have found careers in which success can be achieved by being ridiculous. Imagine Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush rising to the top of any other profession. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I'm really tired of virtue. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Human problems are complex. If something isn't complex it doesn't qualify as problematic. Very simple bad things are not worth troubling ourselves about. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Mankind is supposed to have evolved in the treetops. But I have examined my sense of balance, the prehensility of my various appendages, and my attitude toward standing on anything higher
than, say, political principles, and I have concluded that, personally, I evolved in the backseat of a car. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that." -- P. J. O'rourke
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When I was fifteen, I dreamed of living in the big city, as many a young person does if he is artistic and sensitive. By 'artistic and sensitive' I mean short, skinny, unkissed, bad at sports, and carrying a C average in high school. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The baby boomers' politics have covered a wide band of silliness, from the Weather Underground to the Timothy McVeigh types. The great majority of us are well in the middle of that spectrum, but still, there's been both leftie silliness and right-wing silliness. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Will Generation X and the Millennials do a better job running the world than the boomers have? Let's hope so. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Now, do I think the baby boomers tend to be self-absorbed? I do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Of course, the humans in Haiti have hope. They hope to leave. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can smoke or drink on a golf course without interrupting the game, and you can take a leak - something you can't do on a squash court and shouldn't do in a swimming pool. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Of course, no one wants to ban the vote. Voting should remain available for sporting and recreational purposes. But certain types of votes clearly should be curtailed - 'assault votes,' for example, in which the only purpose of the vote is to harm others. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Feminism is the result of a few ignorant and literal-minded women letting the cat out of the bag about which is the superior sex. Once women made it public that they could do things better than men, they were, of course, forced to do them. -- P. J. O'rourke
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My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of course, the Earth. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I think the Baby Boom does have a tendency to get its nose in everything. The Greatest Generation had a better tendency to leave people alone. Of course, they also had a better tendency to hate everybody's guts. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Even the dumber parts of our government are not run by idiots. These are ordinary people like us, doing a job. By and large, they're trying to do it as well as they can. Or at least as often as people in the private sector try to do as well as they can. -- P. J. O'rourke
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TV ushered in the age of postliteracy. And we have gone so far beyond that. I mean, what with the Internet and Google and Wikipedia. We have entered the age of post-intelligence. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Cars let us out of the barn and, while they were at it, destroyed the American nuclear family. As anyone who has had an American nuclear family can tell you, this was a relief to all concerned. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Horses and horsepower alike are about status and being cool. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Global warming is a fact. Now it's up to liberals to make it a reality. Hence there is crucial importance in preventing powerful, greedy free market forces from getting in the way of worsening storms and rising sea levels. The Kyoto Accord is a good first step. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block ... pretty funny. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked "What's the big idea?" knows, most big ideas are bad ones. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The web is just a device by which bad ideas travel around the globe at the speed of light. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Preachers at black churches are the last people left in the English-speaking world who know the schemes and tropes of classical rhetoric: parallelism, antithesis, epistrophe, synecdoche, metonymy, periphrasis, litotes - the whole bag of tricks. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Farm policy, although it's complex, can be explained. What it can't be is believed. No cheating spouse, no teen with a wrecked family car, no mayor of Washington, D.C., videotaped in flagrante delicto has ever come up with anything as farfetched as U.S. farm policy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can't get good chinese takeout in China and cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The bar is set pretty low if you want to be a hip, accessible conservative. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Then there's politics. Just imagine politics with its dumbbell element subtracted. There would be no Republican candidates. There would be no Democratic voters. The whole system would collapse. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Ending wars is very simple if you surrender. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Most people sort of enjoy going to work because of the socialisation, a chance to flirt with co-workers and so on, but actually hate the job they do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Any person who has spent time outdoors actually doing something, such as hunting and fishing as opposed to standing there with a doobie in his mouth, knows nature is not intrinsically healthy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fall of the Berlin wall? Being there was fun. Nations that flaked off of the Soviet Union in southeastern Europe, Central Asia, and the Caucasus? Being there was not so fun. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Women are successful in the business world because the business world was created by men. Men are babies. And women areGood With Kids. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America gives every appearance of being a nation besotted with trashiness - divorce, illegitimacy, casual Fridays. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Maybe climate change is a threat, and maybe climate change has been tarted up by climatologists trolling for research grant cash. It doesn't matter. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he's saving a parking place. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Accuse a person of breaking all Ten Commandments, and you've written the promo blurb for the dust cover of his tell-all memoir. -- P. J. O'rourke
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solipsism of adolescence with its wild enthusiasms, -- P. J. O'rourke
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Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Even the most left-wing politicians worship wealth creation - as the political-action-committee collection plate is passed. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I've got a 1990 Porsche 911. It's just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Dating is the social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion. -- P. J. O'rourke
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What I believed in the Sixties: Everything. You name it.
What I believe now: Nothing. Well, nothing much. Like, things that can be proven by reason and by experiment, and believe you me I want to see the logic and the lab equipment. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Thank you, Occupy Wall Street. With your vivid example of anticapitalist squalor, I've been able to convince all three of my children to become investment bankers. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Constitution is an equally forthright piece of work and quite succinct ... giving the complete operating instructions for a nation of 250 million people. The manual for a Toyota Camry, which only seats five, is four times as long. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The laws of the marketplace are physical laws, and they don't become suspended in a crisis any more than the law of gravity does. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I have no idea if some societies, anthropologically speaking, aren't really suited for democracy. I don't think that's true. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn't. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times. -- P. J. O'rourke
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What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back? -- P. J. O'rourke
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I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I don't understand anything about America's culture. -- P. J. O'rourke
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They don't like anyone who isn't Korean, and they don't like each other all that much, either. They're hardheaded, hard-drinking, tough little bastards, 'the Irish of Asia'. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Abstract anger is great for rhetorical carrying on. You can go on endlessly about the post office, but it doesn't mean you're mad at your mailman. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Term limits aren't enough. We need jail. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Journalists aren't supposed to praise things. It's a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics won't allow for the truth. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everything on a boat has a different name than it would have if it weren't on a boat. Either this is ancient seafaring tradition or it's how people who mess around with boats try to impress the rest of us who actually finished college. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I remember thinking cocaine was subtle until I noticed I'd been awake for three weeks and didn't know any of the naked people passed out around me. -- P. J. O'rourke
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My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We are endowed with a moral capacity that animals, plants, rocks-and many fervent ecologists-lack. We should not be dirty, wasteful or cruel. To do so harms others. That's wrong. Therefore we don't disembowel Bambi like the way coyotes do, we shoot him first. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Once you've built the big machinery of political power, remember you won't always be the one to run it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Our regulatory bodies strive to create honest dealings, fair trades, and a situation in which no one has an advantage over anyone else. But human beings aren't honest. And all trades are made because one person thinks he's getting the better of the other, and the other person thinks the same. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life ... it's the magic words 'I don't know.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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The budget doesn't have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn't have much control over the budget. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There isn't much room for an outsider point of view in print any more. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The problem isn't a Congress that won't cut spending or a president who won't raise taxes. The problem is an American public with a bottomless sense of entitlement to federal money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his wife. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Northwest Ohio is flat. There isn't much up. The land is so flat that a child from Toledo is under the impression that the direction hills go is down. Sledding is done down from street level into creek beds and road cuts. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven't been. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Smoking crack is a way for people who couldn't afford college to study the works of Charles Darwin. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One nice thing about making jokes is that you don't have to prove them. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Just because a subject is serious doesn't mean it doesn't have plenty of absurdities. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election -- P. J. O'rourke
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In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic. -- P. J. O'rourke
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All religious believers should be licensed to make sure that they are competent to hold opinions and viewpoints and that they don't believe in just any old thing, such as creationism or a flat tax. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Why do elites hate the poor? It's xenophobia. They don't know any poor people - except their off-the-books Brazilian nanny and illegal immigrant cleaning lady from Upper Revolta who don't speak English. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed ... Trouble doesn't come from Slopes, Kikes, Niggers, Spics or White Capitalist Pigs; it comes from the heart. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was right. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are a number of Americans who shouldn't vote. The number is 57 percent, to judge by the combined total of Clinton and Perot ballots in the 1996 presidential election. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We all know the types who listen to Pete Seeger songs; even Pete admits they aren't interesting. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Rich people don't like to be in the military. The shoes are ugly and the uniforms itch. Rich people don't go in much for revolution or terrorism, either. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fortunately, I discovered journalism. Talent hasn't been a question since. But -- P. J. O'rourke
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If you spend seventy-two hours in a place you've never been, talking to people whose language you don't speak about social, political, and economic complexities you don't understand, and you come back as the world's biggest know-it-all, you're a reporter. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One thing talk can't accomplish is communication. This is because everybody's talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying -- P. J. O'rourke
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Government subsidies can be critically analyzed according to a simple principle: You are smarter than the government, so when the government pays you to do something you wouldn't do on your own, it is almost always paying you to do something stupid. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had ... maybe I could even quit renting. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren't there. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The larger the German body, the smaller the German bathing suit and the louder the German voice issuing German demands and German orders to everybody who doesn't speak German. For this, and several other reasons, Germany is known as 'the land where Israelis learned their manners'. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I don't mind America becoming a Third World country. The weather is better in the Third World than it is where I live in New Hampshire. And household help will be much cheaper. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words 'Write what you know' is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don't. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn't exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics is the one field you don't age out of. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these people don't actually go outdoors much, or the environment would be even worse than it is already. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Haitians weren't screwed-up, but everything political, intellectual, and material around them is. -- P. J. O'rourke
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(Dr. Carson, being a neurosurgeon, probably favors a physiological and biochemical model of brain dysfunction over a Freudian model. This means he was a shoo-in for the presidential nomination if Republicans stayed on their meds. Which they didn't.) -- P. J. O'rourke
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The perpetuation of slavery, the exile and extermination of American Indians, and the passage of Jim Crow laws weren't carried out at the bidding of a few malefactors of great wealth. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When I board an airplane these days, all the middle-aged men are dressed like me - when I was an 8-year-old. They're in shorts and T-shirts. And it's not just on airplanes. It's in business offices, teachers' lounges, and churches. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Microeconomics is about money you don't have, and macroeconomics is about money the government is out of. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The killjoys initiated automobile crash standards so rigorous that we can't buy a car that hasn't been dropped from the top of a phone pole with our whole family strapped inside. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If you spend 72 hours in a place you've never been, talking to people whose language you don't speak about social, political, and economic complexities you don't understand, and you come back as the world's biggest know-it-all, you're a reporter. Either that or you're President Obama. -- P. J. O'rourke
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So what if I don't agree with the Democrats? What's to disagree with? They believe everything. And what they don't believe, the Republicans do. Neither of them stands for anything they believe in, anyway. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I didn't see any NRA officials killing babies in Waco ... -- P. J. O'rourke
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The body is forever teaching us lessons. There are all sorts of things that we can't do, shouldn't do, had better not do very often or do for too long as we get older. The body makes its presence known. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas. -- P. J. O'rourke
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East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A U.S. dollar is an IOU from the Federal Reserve Bank. It's a promissory note that doesn't actually promise anything. It's not backed by gold or silver. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can learn all about the human condition from covering the crime beat in a big city - you don't need to go to Beirut for that - but a foreign correspondent begins to understand poverty from a different perspective. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When politics are used to allocate resources, the resources all end up being allocated to politics. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Kabul is a walled city, which sounds romantic except the walls are pre-cast reinforced concrete blast barriers, 10 feet tall and 15 feet long and moved into place with cranes. The walls are topped with sandbags, and the sandbags are topped with guard posts from which gun barrels protrude. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Conservatives really don't believe in politics as the primary instrument of getting along in life and therefore don't tend to put their energy into it a way people left of center do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America is a meritocracy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I like to have interesting things to write about. And when one says something is 'interesting,' one almost always means 'bad.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Mistreatment of al Qaeda members and their friends and hangers-on is something I number among my moral concerns. But it's number 1,000,000,001. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Nobel Peace Prize has always been a joke - albeit a grim one. Alfred Bernhard Nobel famously invented dynamite and felt sorry about it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In a free country, government is a dull and onerous responsibility. It is a parent-teacher conference. -- P. J. O'rourke
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After the events of the 20th century, God, quite reasonably, left Europe. But He's still here in the United States. -- P. J. O'rourke
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People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics doesn't work. Look at the parts of America where government has had the most power, where government has spent the most money. Look at the housing projects we've got the poor people in. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? -- P. J. O'rourke
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I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after. -- P. J. O'rourke
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All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is no horizon in Toledo. There are too many trees. -- P. J. O'rourke
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That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Generally it's not a good idea to wear Banana Republic - type khaki journalist clothes in a war zone. You might look too much like something that's supposed to be shot, such as a journalist. -- P. J. O'rourke
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By the end of the 1950s, American cars were so reliable that their reliability went without saying even in car ads. Thousands of them bear testimony to this today, still running on the roads of Cuba though fueled with nationalized Venezuelan gasoline and maintained with spit and haywire. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Something is worth what somebody will pay for it. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We should never hesitate to listen to a fool about life because life is pretty foolish as far as I can tell. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We'll run this planet as we please, and if you don't like it, go back where we came from. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In its worse forms, conservatism is a matter of 'I hate strangers and anything that's different.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are 1.3 billion people in China, and they all want a Buick. -- P. J. O'rourke
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During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers? -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Governments have monopolies on certain things, like eminent domain and deadly force. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You'll note that politicians no longer spend money, they invest it. Don't worry about paying more to the [IRS]. You aren't being taxed; you're taking a plunge on a fly-by-night stock issue. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If you talk to most businessmen, they'll say that what they do is for the public good, but you know they're just greedy, and consumers are just consuming for the sake of their own greed. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The 1960s was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a T-shirt. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I'm on Medicare now. If I go and have a big operation, it costs me nothing. It should cost me a little. I'm not rich, but I can afford a few grand if I have to have my appendix taken out. I can pitch in a little bit. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Happy hour is slightly different in the Soviet Union. There are no ice cubes or orange-peel twists in the vodka. Also, it lasts all day. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Last year, on a long car trip, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh shout. I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him. I listen to NPR: "World to end-poor and minorities hardest hit." I like to argue with the radio. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn't have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.) -- P. J. O'rourke
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I come from Toledo, Ohio, a town that has been hurt badly by the shift of the automobile business towards Japan. And yet I remember how the car workers lived in the neighborhood that I grew up in. My father was a car salesman, and I remember how we lived. I remember how modestly we lived. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Nor should a man necessarily hold a door for a woman, unless it is a revolving door. It's not good manners to hold a revolving door, but it is lots of fun when other people are trapped inside. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I'm a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business except to make a buck. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I'm not even sure we can draw lessons from them. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Neither liberal nor conservative politicians can resist the temptation to stand as mighty sequoias of rectitude amid the lowly underbrush of fundraising. -- P. J. O'rourke
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People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Network television has been attempting to lure viewers for years with its low-interest programming only to have those viewers discover later that their brains are bankrupt. -- P. J. O'rourke
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My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you're fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Although computer-generated artificial intelligence eludes us, artificial stupidity has been perfected. -- P. J. O'rourke
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New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State's registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they're going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can't understand what they say. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If a journalist shows a facility for praise he's liable to be offered a job in public relations or advertising and the next thing you know he's got a big office, a huge salary and is living in a fine home with a lovely wife and swell kids - another career blown to hell. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I'm a rather decisive type. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The purpose of sports - even foreign sports - is not to bore people. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke." -- P. J. O'rourke
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The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The anti-individualist enemies that Ayn Rand battled are still the enemy, but they've shifted their line of attack. Political collectivists are no longer much interested in taking things away from the wealthy and creative. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We loved cars until the '70s or so. Then they became appliances. They turned into motorized cup holders. Most of it has to do with urban sprawl. What began as pleasure ends up in necessity, as so many things do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In midlife, we're as dumb as we get. -- P. J. O'rourke
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What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At worst Asian music sounds as if a truck full of wind chimes collided
with a stack of empty oil drums during a birdcall contest. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The college idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Gosh, was I wrong. Never listen to a pundit. Is there such a thing as "magnetic back-assward"? We pundits and commentators have had our compass needles pointed in that direction for the past eighteen months. Want a stock tip? I would -- P. J. O'rourke
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Nancy Pelosi says the angry opposition to health care reform is like the angry opposition to gay rights that led to Harvey Milk being shot. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everybody wants to save the world but nobody wants to help mom with the dishes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty. -- P. J. O'rourke
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This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you.. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The problem in Afghanistan is really not so much land as water. It's a dry country with ample amounts of water running through it, but not to good enough effect. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The question nowadays is not what makes government work. The question is how do we make it stop. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The motorcycle is a device created by the team of God and Darwin to rid the world of useless young males. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Soccer matches should be something special, something people eagerly look forward to, something that brightens life. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everybody is xenophobic to an extent. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Funding for the original manned Voyager Mars Program was scratched in 1968, before humans had gotten out of Low Earth Orbit. Mid-'60s plans for a Venus fly-by with astronauts actually flying by it met the same fate. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you'll find they've left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Writing on a computer makes saving what's been written too easy. Pretentious lead sentences are kept, not tossed. Instead of sitting surrounded by crumpled paper, the computerized writer has his mistakes neatly stored in digital memory. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I have never been to a museum in Hong Kong, or a movie or a play. I've never gone club-hopping. I've never taken the tram to Victoria Peak. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first. A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Now majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But like other precious, sacred things ... it's not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Affirmative action makes employers think, 'Black woman nuclear physicist? Hah! Probably let her into Harvard 'cause they were looking for a twofer. Bet she got C's in high school practical math. Give her a job in personnel.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are a few things that people all around the world need to admit to themselves. Trade restraints slow economic growth, the euro is not a reserve currency, and scoreless sports ties are boring. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place! -- P. J. O'rourke
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Even Jimmy Carter can't be wrong all the time. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fishing is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen. -- P. J. O'rourke
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As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. -- P. J. O'rourke
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And worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. This is especially true if we're careful to pick the biggest possible problems to worry about. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody want to help Mom do the dishes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Never wear anything that panics the cat. -- P. J. O'rourke
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No, everything will not be all right if we just talk it over, face facts, use our noodles. -- P. J. O'rourke
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After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is a simple rule here, a rule of legislation, a rule of business, a rule of life: beyond a certain point, complexity is fraud. You can apply that rule to left-wing social programs, but you can also apply that rule to credit derivatives, hedge funds, all the rest of it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, they could have cheated investors out of millions. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The subculture of felons is in great vogue among adolescents. Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, and so forth allow us Republicans to say to America's young people, 'We be thugs.' The GOP may capture the youth vote at last. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The idea of a stag hunt evokes chivalry - knights in jerkins and hose, ladies on sidesaddles with wimples and billowing dresses, a white stag symbolizing something-or-other, and Robin Hood getting in the way. An actual stag hunt is more like a horseback meeting of a county planning commission. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America's grossly unfair tax system won't lead to class war. Or, if it does, the war will be brief. -- P. J. O'rourke
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All previous populist movements were demanding things from governments, whereas the Tea Party is saying, 'Give us less, go away.' That's heartening to see. -- P. J. O'rourke
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With Epcot Center, the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Iran and Iraq have been at war for five years now. The traditional present for a fifth anniversary is wood. Here's a gift suggestion: a big stick to beat some goddamned sense into their
heads. -- P. J. O'rourke
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My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Is Bill Clinton so good at politics, or are other politicians so bad? -- P. J. O'rourke
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We won't dispassionately investigate or rationally debate which drugs do what damage and whether or how much of that damage is the result of criminalization. We'd rather work ourselves into a screaming fit of puritanism and then go home and take a pill. -- P. J. O'rourke
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W if for Women. They're awful, mendacious,
Nasty and selfish, cruel and salacious,
As thievish as gypsies, more crazy than Celts
Be sure that you never fuck anything else -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Newsmen believe that news is a tacitly acknowledged fourth branch of the federal system. This is why most news about government sounds as if it were federally mandated
serious, bulky and blandly worthwhile, like a high-fiber diet set in type. -- P. J. O'rourke
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And, by the way, how come all the people who were so in favor of unilateral nuclear disarmament are so opposed to unilateral protection against nukes? -- P. J. O'rourke
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At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world. -- P. J. O'rourke
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People love to be told what they know already. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The poor of the world cannot be made rich by the redistribution of wealth. Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I blame feminism and Facebook for the death of the American automobile. I'm a Republican, so I blame everything on feminism - or commies. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Commies love concrete. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have held the summit at Atlantic City and let them lose all their missiles playing Keno. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Political discourse has become so rotten that it's no longer possible to tell the stench of one presidential candidate from the stink of another. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties. You can start other things in your forties but generally your wife makes you stop them, as Bill Clinton found out. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the District of Columbia, parted Chesapeake Bay near Annapolis, and wandered for forty years in Delaware. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America's public schools have served their purpose. Free and compulsory education was good for a somewhat unpromising young nation. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Like most sensible people, you probably lost interest in modern art about the time that Julian Schnabel was painting broken pieces of the crockery that his wife had thrown at him for painting broken pieces of crockery instead of painting the bathroom and hall. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Smoking is very bad for you and should only be done because it looks so good. People who don't smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race. -- P. J. O'rourke
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To blame the existence of al Qaeda on poverty like Egypt's is a slur on the poor. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Republican convention, an event with the intellectual content of a Guns'n'Roses lyric attended by every ofay insurance brokerin America who owns a pair of white shoes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Every generation finds the drug it needs. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it ... -- P. J. O'rourke
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I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow. -- P. J. O'rourke
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West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as sharp as their looks. Except for the fact that they all speak English pretty well, they're indistinguishable from Americans. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When a thing defies physical law, there's usually politics involved. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A deadly sins addendum is long overdue. Life has changed since Pope Gregory the Great scribbled his initial list in the sixth century. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Freedom is for fun. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I like to argue with the radio. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15, we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail. -- P. J. O'rourke
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How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Wealth makes materialism easier to bear. -- P. J. O'rourke
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To mistrust science and deny the validity of scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Liberals want to live downtown. All over America - in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Georgetown - there are crowds of liberals living in the gritty, ugly, dirty neighborhoods sensible people are trying to flee. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Political leaders are expert at saying nothing. -- P. J. O'rourke
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El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Southern California is a nice place, if you could cut out the show-business cancer. It just keeps spreading. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fascism is very much a mob movement. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The District of Columbia is an extreme example of disconnect between financial input and educational outcome. Unfortunately, extreme is not the same as abnormal. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We have the British motor industry as a role model for what happens when you try to save an industrial dinosaur. Britain was the first country to industrialise and the first to de-industrialise. We should learn from this. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Chinese economic development has cost many American workers their jobs. That's the price of progress. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I think the Baby Boom has enjoyed itself, maybe sometimes a little too much, and we're continuing to enjoy ourselves, maybe a little too much. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Demolishing pretensions, especially worthy ones, is a hallmark of the baby boom. -- P. J. O'rourke
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For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You're not a baby boomer if you don't have a visceral recollection of a Kennedy and a King assassination, a Beatles breakup, a U.S. defeat in Vietnam, and a Watergate. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Obama's space policy doesn't differ much from George W. Bush's. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I don't think anybody's really been successful with theorizing about value or creating a price theory. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Jeans fit the mature male one of two ways, both dirigible in nature. You make a public impression that's either Hindenburg or Goodyear blimp. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The purpose of the Senate is to keep 100 middle aged knuckleheads out of the private sector where they can do real harm. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages. -- P. J. O'rourke
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. . . crop restrictions not only raise the price of corn and other crops but also tend to raise farmers' total revenues and earnings." Increase your corn profit by not growing corn? Here's a wonderful kind of business where everybody can get rich if they'll just do nothing. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I was never a Democrat. I went from Republican to Maoist and then back again. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There'd be gum machines that dispensed chewing tobacco if you lost. You could gamble for the toilet paper in public bathroom stalls. And fill out Keno cards in an attempt to win cancer therapy at the hospital. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Californians are people who insist on growing their own vegetables, but they won't dig up the pretty lawn, won't plant anything for fear of getting dirty, and they use fragrant bath salts from The Body Shop instead of smelly compost. -- P. J. O'rourke
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All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The wise traveler [to Beirut] will pack shirts or blouses with ample breast pockets. Reaching inside a jacket for your passport looks too much like going for the draw and puts armed men out of countinence -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is no 20-year period in American history when stocks lost money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and he will be certain that you are either telling the truth or a big, important lie. -- P. J. O'rourke
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They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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Charles McCarry is the best modern writer on the subject of intrigue - by the breadth of Alan Furst, by the fathom of Eric Ambler, by any measure. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God's grace. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Greenpeace booth at all the rock and roll shows nowadays are akin to the old sorcerers who used to stand in the middle of villages warning of danger, 'When night wolf swallows mother moon, there will be great famine.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I think it's always easy to be sympathetic to parts of the government in detail; in their concrete manifestations. Because obviously, we don't have government for no reason. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The average IQ in America is - and this can be proven mathematically - average. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A Kindle returns us to the inconvenience of the scroll, except with batteries and electronic glitches. It's as handy as bringing Homer along to recite the 'Iliad' while playing a lyre. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Jewishness cropped up and has never successfully been put down since. -- P. J. O'rourke
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As a nation, Kuwait has been, arguably, free of freedom itself. Claimed in turn by Constantinople, Riyadh, and Baghdad, Kuwait has survived by playing Turks off Persians, Arabs off one another, and the English off everyone. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Kuwait City is not gorgeous, actually, but it's got a kind of Epcot Center thing going for it. It's not pretty. But it's striking, I'll give it that. It's not as over-the-top as Abu Dhabi or Dubai. But nearly. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The idea of a world where all people are alike - in wealth or in anything else - is a fantasy for the stupid. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Liberals are always proposing perfectly insane ideas, laws that will make everybody happy, laws that will make everything right, make us live forever, and all be rich. Conservatives are never that stupid. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot you. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A friend of mine at the American Enterprise Institute says there are two parties: the silly party and the stupid party. I'm too old for the silly party, so I had to join the stupid party. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Stupid is a great force in human affairs. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations. -- P. J. O'rourke
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'You're stupid,' is not something even his most severe critics usually say to President Barack Obama. -- P. J. O'rourke
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My working hypothesis is that stupidity in popular culture is a constant. Popular culture cannot get more stupid. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I know quite a few fellow members of the news analysis and commentary business, and I have it from the highest-placed sources, on the record, that each and every one of our children is a genius. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a wonderful personality" really means something. But I couldnt figure out a polite way to ask. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I am unboreable in the great outdoors. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Earnestness is stupidity sent to college. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Excessive speed and quantity are, like chattiness and digression, besetting sins of cyber-assisted authorship. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Lack of romance is my real objection to writing on a computer. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There can be no greater sacrifice than that a man lay down his lifestyle for others. And -- P. J. O'rourke
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The American political system is like fast food - mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some. -- P. J. O'rourke
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What Enron was doing, what caused investors to embrace it in a rapture of baffled awe, was hiding debt. -- P. J. O'rourke
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All religions must be made child-proof. Our teachers' unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age 21 would be another positive step. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease. -- P. J. O'rourke
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How a peaceful, uncrowded place with ample wherewithal stays poor is hard to explain. How a conflict-ridden, grossly over-populated place with no resources whatsoever gets rich is simple. The British colonial government turned Hong Kong into an economic miracle by doing nothing. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Communist bloc of old was a study in the failure of failure. Losers in the Soviet economy were the people at the end of the long lines for consumer goods. Worse losers were the people who had spent hours getting to the head of the line, only to be told that the goods were unavailable. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such an excellent banjo player that you almost don't wish you had a pair of wire cutters. -- P. J. O'rourke
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[We're] told cars cause pollution. A 100 years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Banning paper and plastic and making shoppers carry their groceries home in their mouths like dogs is just the thing to make a little tin humanist in the Obama West Wing think he's admiral of the Uzbek Navy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race -- P. J. O'rourke
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The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Detroit is beautiful - though you probably have to be a child of the industrial Midwest, like me, to see it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The one thing that's terrible about traveling for fun is writing about it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What's more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The complexity of economics can be calculated mathematically. Write out the algebraic equation that is the human heart and multiply each unknown by the population of the world. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free. -- P. J. O'rourke
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It takes a lot of weapons to do good works (as Richard the Lionhearted could have told us). And this is not just a Somali problem. We have poverty and deprivation in our own country. Try standing unarmed on a street corner in Compton handing out twenty-dollar bills and see how long you last. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are twenty-seven specific complaints against the British Crown set forth in the Declaration of Independence. To modern ears they still sound reasonable ... in large part, because so many of them can be leveled against the federal government of the United States. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In Henry Adams, I discovered not only the prototype of the modern thinker but also someone who is more interesting: a viper-toothed, puling, supercilious crank, thwarted in ambition, aging gracelessly, mad at the cosmos, and ashamed of his own jejune ideals. He is nevertheless very dear to me. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Obama, in pursuit of power, has been as greedy and irresponsible as any Wall Street tycoon in pursuit of money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A cocktail party is what you call it when you invite everyone you know to come over to your house at six p.m., put cigarettes out on your rug, and leave at eight to go somewhere more interesting for dinner without inviting you. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. -- P. J. O'rourke
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To really enjoy drugs you've got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage Weltscbmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues." -- P. J. O'rourke
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In Hong Kong there is agglomeration beyond my fondest imaginings. The Kowloon district claims a population density four times that of New York City. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I live in rural New Hampshire, and we are, frankly, short on people who are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short on people. My town has a population of 301. -- P. J. O'rourke
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My ignorance is widespread. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everybody with a gun has a checkpoint in Lebanon. And in Lebanon, you'd be crazy not to have a gun. Though, I assure you, all the crazy people have guns, too. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Barack Obama is more irritating than the other nuisances on the Left. -- P. J. O'rourke
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It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics should be limited in scope to ware, protection of property, and the occasional precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class. -- P. J. O'rourke
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People are not ants or bees. We do not reason or love or live or die collectively. -- P. J. O'rourke
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To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politicians show no signs of even knowing the difference between negative and positive rights. Blinded by the dazzle of anything that makes them popular, they honestly may not be able to tell. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Detroit's industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You've got to understand, people are motivated by fun. And they should be. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Not much was really invented during the Renaissance, if you don't count modern civilization. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I spent a lot of time behind the Iron Curtain, and their cars were abysmal. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are my taxes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Americans are good at pursuing happiness. And the Americans who pursue happiness most diligently show that we're also good at running it down and killing it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Every vote should carry a serial number, so that responsibility for harmful or careless use of the vote can be traced. Concealed voting should be outlawed. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A fundamental American question is, 'What's the big idea?' -- P. J. O'rourke
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A penny will not buy a penny postcard or a penny whistle or a single piece of penny candy. It will not even, if you're managing the U.S. Mint, buy a penny. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. -- P. J. O'rourke
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It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. -- P. J. O'rourke
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At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes. -- P. J. O'rourke
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No government proposal more complicated than "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private" ever works. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America is not doctrinaire. It's hard for an American politician to come up with an ideological position that is permanently unforgivable. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can't get something for nothing. Everybody remembers this except politicians. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Afghans themselves say that if you put two Afghans in a room, you get three factions. -- P. J. O'rourke
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It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Why is Iraq so easy to harm and so hard to help? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that's when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Never fight an inanimate object. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In the language of politics, there is only one translation for the phrase 'hope and change,' to wit: 'big, fat government.' -- P. J. O'rourke
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Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Our earliest evidence of government, in the ruins of Babylon and Egypt, shows nothing but ziggurats and pyramids of wasted taxpayer money, the TARP funds and shovel-ready stimulus programs of their day. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants. -- P. J. O'rourke
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That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven't really been knocked down for yet. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Adam Smith pointed out that there were three things that make us more prosperous, in a general sort of way: freedom to pursue our own self-interest; specialization, which he called division of labor; and freedom of trade. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Every pleasure you forgoe on Earth is a pleasure you won't get in heaven. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood and smiting the firstborn, give me a pass. And tell me when it's over. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Just as some things are too strange for fiction, others are too true for journalism. -- P. J. O'rourke
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What about snipers?" I once asked someone. He said, "Oh, most of the snipers have automatic weapon. They arent very accurate. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Inside every Sancho Panza there's a Don Quixote struggling to get out. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The main reason to be opposed to political control of smoking is to keep power -even the smallest and silliest kind of power - out of the hands of ... members of a dangerous class -the class that knows what's good for us better than we do. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude, or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If we were to inspect ourselves or members of our family and our friends, we would see that we don't really have to go all the way overseas to be mystified - we can be mystified right at home. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Jack Abramoff is the world's best lobbyist - for the Federal Penitentiary System. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The world is going to hell. All we can do is look good on the trip. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Popular culture has become engorged, broadening and thickening until it's the only culture anyone notices. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you're doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Greatest generation came through some stuff that we can't even imagine - the Depression, World War I - and all they wanted after that was a breather and a calm and a quiet life, and they get us. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I spend my days kneeling in the muck of language, feeling around for gooey verbs, nouns, and modifiers that I can squash together to make a blob of a sentence that bears some likeness to reason and sense. -- P. J. O'rourke
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It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner's manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world's most unruly, passionate and
energetic people safe, prosperous and free. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Bureaucrats want bigger bureaus. Special interests are interested in whatever's special to them. These two groups bring great pressure to bear upon politicians who have another agenda yet:
to cater to the temporary whims and fads of the public and the press. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The key ingredient of politics is the idea that all of society's ills can be cured politically. It's like a cookbook where the recipe for everything is to fry it. The fruit cocktail is fried. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Hubris is one of the great renewable resources. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everybody in the Middle East wants to explain why they're right. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich. -- P. J. O'rourke
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It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you. -- P. J. O'rourke
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War expands government powers. The trouble is that, when the war goes away, the government powers do not. -- P. J. O'rourke
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America is the world's policeman, all right
a big, dumb, mick flatfoot in the middle of the one thing cops dread most, a domestic disturbance. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes to pay for greater spending, while Republicans are in favor of greater spending, for which the taxpayers will pay. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Only a few good leaders have paused to reflect seriously on being leaders. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists. -- P. J. O'rourke
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How did an allegedly free people spawn a vast, rampant cuttlefish of dominion with its tentacles in every orifice of the body politic? -- P. J. O'rourke
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Civilization is an enormous improvement on the lack thereof. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We did not become libertarians because we are altruists. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The free market tells us what people are willing to pay for a given thing at a given moment. That's all the free market does. The free market is a bathroom scale. We may not like what we see when we step on the bathroom scale, but we can't pass a law making ourselves weigh 165. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Public schools helped create the idea of America and inculcate Americans with a few rudiments of knowledge. To judge by that very American item, the Internet, a few rudiments is all anyone cares to have. -- P. J. O'rourke
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This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans. -- P. J. O'rourke
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College professors used to be badly paid and worth it. Colleges used to be modest institutions; they should go back to being modest institutions. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If there's something we want, politics shouldn't be our first resort. Politics is all taking, no making. Whatever politics provides for us will be obtained from other people. Those people won't love us. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If the wind is blowing like stink and everything is working right, a twelve-meter sailboat can go eleven and a half or twelve miles an hour, the same speed at which a bond lawyer runs around the Cental Park Reservoir. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Space has always been confusing to politics. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I try to ONLY ridicule people who's efforts are sincere. Very little trouble has been caused in the world by insincere efforts. An occasional seduction maybe. There were very few insincere Stalinists or Nazis. -- P. J. O'rourke
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When you're a war correspondent, the reader is for you because the reader is saying, 'Gee, I wouldn't want to be doing that.' They're on your side. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It's impossible to be alive and safe. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Some people have facts; these can be proven. Some people have theories; these can be disproven. But people with opinions are mindless and have their minds made up about it. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system -- P. J. O'rourke
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There was an austerely dignified award ceremony. By that I mean we had to buy our own drinks - in clear violation of the international journalists'code of truth, fairness and an open bar. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There are selves too big for one person to contain. You cannot call them selfish. There is nothing -ish about such selves. They are the self, as it were, itself. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk. -- P. J. O'rourke
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We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with. -- P. J. O'rourke
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In Toledo, people grow out. Out to the suburbs. Out to the parts of America where the economy is more vigorous. And all too often, out to 48-inch waistbands. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Until I carried my wife off to New Hampshire, she defined wilderness as the Bronx. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The only time a bachelor's bed is made is when it's in the factory. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There's more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it's awfully close to human. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There is only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican, and that is the Democrats. It's going to be hard to do a worse job running American than the Republicans have, but if anybody can do it, it's the Democrats. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent! -- P. J. O'rourke
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War will exist as long as there's a food chain. -- P. J. O'rourke
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If ever there were a place where people not only tend not to face economic facts, but it's almost their purpose not to face economic facts, it's Washington. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Libertarianism is a way of measuring how the government and other kinds of systems respect the individual. At the core of libertarianism is the idea that the individual is sacrosanct and that anything that's done contrary to the well-being of the individual needs some pretty serious justification. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible. -- P. J. O'rourke
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You can't destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America's elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you're doing us a favor. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to collectivists, to people who believe that wealth is best obtained by redistribution, and that message is clear and concise ... Egalitarianism is sinful; it's also cowardly. -- P. J. O'rourke
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There's not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The importance of local governance may not be obvious to an America accustomed to treating city and state downfalls with doses of federal comeuppance. Sometimes there's a reason for that - the Civil War. More often, all reasoning seems absent - No Child Left Behind. -- P. J. O'rourke
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Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine. -- P. J. O'rourke
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People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement. -- P. J. O'rourke
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A politician who commends himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to do good with other peoples' money. -- P. J. O'rourke
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I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works. -- P. J. O'rourke
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The difference between corporations and governments is governments have a monopoly on force. It's a lot easier to vote with your feet or your wallet than it is to change a government with your vote. -- P. J. O'rourke