Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Rodney Dangerfield, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Rodney Dangerfield quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 354 Rodney Dangerfield quotes for you to read and share.
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. -- Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Comedy is a camouflage for depression. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Life's a short trip. You'll find out. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! -- Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide. -- Rodney Dangerfield
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. -- Rodney Dangerfield
At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly ... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' -- Rodney Dangerfield
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark ... ' -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -- Rodney Dangerfield
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house! -- Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens -- Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. -- Rodney Dangerfield
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant. -- Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." -- Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! -- Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started! -- Rodney Dangerfield
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake. -- Rodney Dangerfield
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed. -- Rodney Dangerfield
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! -- Rodney Dangerfield
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half! -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" -- Rodney Dangerfield
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! -- Rodney Dangerfield
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu ... she bid me a don't. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. -- Rodney Dangerfield
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I have three kids, one of each. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. -- Rodney Dangerfield
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. -- Rodney Dangerfield
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." -- Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark ... -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. -- Rodney Dangerfield
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. -- Rodney Dangerfield
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon . -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. -- Rodney Dangerfield
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was a poster child ... for birth control! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. -- Rodney Dangerfield
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. -- Rodney Dangerfield
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! -- Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! -- Rodney Dangerfield
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I
found out Alpo was dog food. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. -- Rodney Dangerfield
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. -- Rodney Dangerfield
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife gives good headache. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Man, who don't like spaghetti? -- Rodney Dangerfield
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." -- Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! -- Rodney Dangerfield
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. -- Rodney Dangerfield
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. -- Rodney Dangerfield
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again. -- Rodney Dangerfield
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' -- Rodney Dangerfield
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? -- Rodney Dangerfield
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? -- Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. -- Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. -- Rodney Dangerfield
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early". -- Rodney Dangerfield
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. -- Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. -- Rodney Dangerfield
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. -- Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. -- Rodney Dangerfield
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. -- Rodney Dangerfield
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind. -- Rodney Dangerfield
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. -- Rodney Dangerfield
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.' -- Rodney Dangerfield
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! -- Rodney Dangerfield
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. -- Rodney Dangerfield
They change the sheets every day ... from one bed to another. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A hooker once told me she had a headache. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect -- Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry? -- Rodney Dangerfield
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. -- Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! -- Rodney Dangerfield
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size). -- Rodney Dangerfield
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies. -- Rodney Dangerfield
People seldom live up to their baby pictures. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. -- Rodney Dangerfield
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope! -- Rodney Dangerfield
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. -- Rodney Dangerfield
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has teeth like the stars ... they come out at night. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". -- Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. -- Rodney Dangerfield
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Hey, did somebody step on a duck? -- Rodney Dangerfield
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit -- Rodney Dangerfield
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth. -- Rodney Dangerfield
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". -- Rodney Dangerfield
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch -- Rodney Dangerfield
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive ... The refrigerator. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! -- Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. -- Rodney Dangerfield
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. -- Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark -- Rodney Dangerfield
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died. -- Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. -- Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect ... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". -- Rodney Dangerfield
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. -- Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out. -- Rodney Dangerfield
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! -- Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect, no respect at all! -- Rodney Dangerfield
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. -- Rodney Dangerfield
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" -- Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. -- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. -- Rodney Dangerfield
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! -- Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. -- Rodney Dangerfield
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. -- Rodney Dangerfield
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. -- Rodney Dangerfield