Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Scott Adams, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Scott Adams quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 369 Scott Adams quotes for you to read and share.

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As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny. -- Scott Adams
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Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning. -- Scott Adams
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Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions. -- Scott Adams
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Many, if not most, career opportunities come to you through people you know. So the more people you know, the more opportunities you have. Improving your social network is a great example of a system for moving from lower odds to better odds without having a specific goal. -- Scott Adams
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I've tried lots of things. The reality is, I'm excited by everything on Day 1. And if by Day X things aren't working the way I hoped, I lose my passion. I have not seen the correlation between my passion and my success. -- Scott Adams
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You give anybody a billion dollars, and of course they are passionate. Passion is one of those things like willpower in that there's 'magical thinking' about it. You've got to be careful about 'magical thinking.' -- Scott Adams
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If eating a healthy diet feels unpleasant, you're doing it wrong. And you're wasting your limited stockpile of willpower. -- Scott Adams
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If your goal is to lose 10 pounds, you may wake up each day with failure in mind because the goal is hard to reach, and you are progressing only by small amounts. It takes up all your willpower. I recommend that instead of a goal, you have a system. -- Scott Adams
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Beware of advice about successful people and their methods. For starters, no two situations are alike. Your dreams of creating a dry-cleaning empire won't be helped by knowing that Thomas Edison liked to take naps. -- Scott Adams
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I believe in karma ... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it. -- Scott Adams
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Adults are starved for a kind word. When you understand the power of honest praise (as opposed to bullshitting, flattery, and sucking up), you realize that withholding it borders on immoral. If you see something that impresses you, a decent respect to humanity insists you voice your praise. -- Scott Adams
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'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip. -- Scott Adams
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Every skill you acquire doubles your odds of success. -- Scott Adams
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As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line. -- Scott Adams
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God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon. -- Scott Adams
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Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that's O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems. -- Scott Adams
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There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it. -- Scott Adams
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Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors. -- Scott Adams
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Have you ever noticed that things that don't kill you make you weaker? And great minds don't think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions. I started getting suspicious when I cried over spilt milk and the cashier took it off my bill. - Wally -- Scott Adams
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You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public -- Scott Adams
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The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots. -- Scott Adams
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Good health and sufficient money are necessary for a base level of happiness, but you need to be right with your family, friends, and romantic partners to truly enjoy life. The -- Scott Adams
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You might not think you're an early-morning person. I didn't think I was either. But once you get used to it, you might never want to go back. You can accomplish more by the time other people wake up than most people accomplish all day. -- Scott Adams
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Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement. -- Scott Adams
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I love magazines. It's such McNugget kind of information. -- Scott Adams
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Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister. -- Scott Adams
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If you can imagine the future being brighter, it lifts your energy and gooses the chemistry in your body that produces a sensation of happiness. If you can't even imagine an improved future, you won't be happy no matter how well your life is going right now. -- Scott Adams
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Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting. -- Scott Adams
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Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding. -- Scott Adams
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The power of daydreaming is similar to the power of well-made movies that can make you cry or make you laugh. -- Scott Adams
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I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. -- Scott Adams
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If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts. -- Scott Adams
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Everyone says there's a lack of leadership in the world these days. I think we should all be thankful, because the only reason for leadership is to convince people to do things that are either dangerous (like invading another country) or stupid (working extra hard without extra pay). -- Scott Adams
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When you understand the power of honest praise (as opposed to bullshitting, flattery, and sucking up), you realize that withholding it borders on immoral. -- Scott Adams
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In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are. -- Scott Adams
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Newsreader: A huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click. -- Scott Adams
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If you drill down on any success story, you always discover that luck was a huge part of it. You can't control luck, but you can move from a game with bad odds to one with better odds. You can make it easier for luck to find you. The most useful thing you can do is stay in the game. -- Scott Adams
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Pessimism is often a failure of imagination. -- Scott Adams
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The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it. -- Scott Adams
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These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print. -- Scott Adams
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It is a human tendency to
become what you attack. -- Scott Adams
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The most important form of selfishness involves spending time on your fitness, eating right, pursuing your career, and still spending quality time with your family and friends. -- Scott Adams
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The only reasonable goal in life is maximizing your total lifetime experience of something called happiness. That might sound selfish, but it's not. Only a sociopath or a hermit can find happiness through extreme selfishness. A normal person needs to treat others well in order to enjoy life. -- Scott Adams
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Psychology is the only necessary skill for running for president. Trump knows psychology. -- Scott Adams
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In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants. -- Scott Adams
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Just remember to keep your eye out for ways to maximize your schedule freedom in the long term. -- Scott Adams
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The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find
someone whose flaws are the sort you don't mind. It is
futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone
who is capable of significant change; that sort of person
exists only in our imaginations. -- Scott Adams
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Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone. -- Scott Adams
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But never being wrong is no proof that
the method of testing is sound for all cases -- Scott Adams
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For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson. -- Scott Adams
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No one wants to believe that the formula for happiness is as simple as daydreaming, controlling your schedule, napping, eating right, and being active every day. -- Scott Adams
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Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. -- Scott Adams
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Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it. -- Scott Adams
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I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won't have much of a social life if you can't afford to do anything. And you can't make money if your health is a mess. -- Scott Adams
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The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want. -- Scott Adams
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When life gives you lemons ... choke on them and die ... you stupid lemon eater. -- Scott Adams
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The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh. -- Scott Adams
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Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room. -- Scott Adams
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I wouldn't be satisfied simply escaping from my prison of silence; I was planning to escape, free the other inmates, shoot the warden, and burn down the prison. Sometimes I get that way. It's a surprisingly useful frame of mind. -- Scott Adams
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Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you. -- Scott Adams
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I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.' -- Scott Adams
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Dinosaur: I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. Catbert: That's not a natural advantage. You'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs. -- Scott Adams
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Theory of Evolution (Summary)
First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management. -- Scott Adams
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If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried. -- Scott Adams
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Persistence is useful, but there's no point in being an idiot about it. -- Scott Adams
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Success is entirely accessible, even if you happen to be a huge screw-up 95 percent of the time. -- Scott Adams
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I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero. -- Scott Adams
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You might wince at the fact that I put economics ahead of your family, your friends, and the rest of the world, but there's a reason. If you don't get your personal financial engine working right, you place a burden on everyone from your family to the country. Once -- Scott Adams
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As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws. -- Scott Adams
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The great thing about reading diverse news from the fields of business, health, science, technology, politics, and more is that you automatically see patterns in the world and develop mental hooks upon which you can hang future knowledge. -- Scott Adams
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Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time. -- Scott Adams
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If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment. -- Scott Adams
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I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer's cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky finger that went spastic when I tried to draw. -- Scott Adams
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The rest of the universe is like the coin. The events of
the past appear to cause the present, but every time we pop
back into existence we are subject to a new set of probabilities.
Literally anything can happen. -- Scott Adams
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Few things are as destructive and limiting as a worldview that assumes people are mostly rational. -- Scott Adams
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If I find a cow turd on my front steps, I'm not satisfied knowing that I'll be mentally prepared to find some future cow turd. I want to shovel that turd onto my garden and hope the cow returns every week so I never have to buy fertilizer again.* -- Scott Adams
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In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'. -- Scott Adams
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Simplicity is not proof of truth. But since we can
never understand true reality, if two models both explain the
same facts, it is more rational to use the simpler one. It is a
matter of convenience. -- Scott Adams
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There is more information in one thimble of reality
than can be understood by a galaxy of human brains. It is
beyond the human brain to understand the world and its
environment, so the brain compensates by creating simplified
illusions that act as a replacement for understanding. -- Scott Adams
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It is not belief to say God exists and then continue sinning and hoarding your wealth while innocent people die of starvation. When belief does not control your most important decisions, it is not belief in the underlying reality, it is belief in the usefulness of believing. -- Scott Adams
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Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again. -- Scott Adams
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One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there's something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer. -- Scott Adams
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No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab. -- Scott Adams
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Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. Then eat the wrong kind of foods and hope you die before the earth does. -- Scott Adams
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I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately. -- Scott Adams
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Priorities are the things you need to get right so the things you love can thrive. -- Scott Adams
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The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th. -- Scott Adams
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As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material. -- Scott Adams
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My experience, as odd as it sounds, is that I can change my food preferences by thinking of my body as a programmable robot as opposed to a fleshy bag full of magic. -- Scott Adams
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Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier. -- Scott Adams
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Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve. -- Scott Adams
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Reality is overrated and impossible to understand with any degree of certainty. What you do know for sure is that some ways of looking at the world work better than others. Pick the way that works, even if you don't know why. -- Scott Adams
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The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it. -- Scott Adams
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You need to control the order and timing of things to be happy. It's important to look at happiness in terms of timing because timing is easier to control than resources. -- Scott Adams
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For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays. -- Scott Adams
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Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words. -- Scott Adams
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Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free. -- Scott Adams
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I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened. -- Scott Adams
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For most people, it's easy to be passionate about things that are working out, and that distorts our impression of the importance of passion. I've been involved in several dozen business ventures over the course of my life, and each one made me excited at the start. You might even call it passion. -- Scott Adams
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I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. -- Scott Adams
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Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. -- Scott Adams
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In most groups the craziest person is in control. It starts because no one wants the problems that come from pissing off a crazy person. It's just smarter and easier sometimes to let the crazy person have his or her way. -- Scott Adams
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The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong. -- Scott Adams
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The simplest explanation usually sounds right and is far
more convincing than any complicated explanation could
hope to be. -- Scott Adams
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Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions. -- Scott Adams
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This was my first exposure to the idea that one should have a system instead of a goal. The system was to continually look for better options. -- Scott Adams
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Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more. -- Scott Adams
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To err is human. To cover it up is weasel. -- Scott Adams
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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? -- Scott Adams
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You're wasting your time if you try to make someone see reason when reason is not influencing the decision. -- Scott Adams
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Sadness is just another word for not enough coffee. -- Scott Adams
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Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, tells us that people become unhappy if they have too many options in life. The problem with options is that choosing any path can leave you plagued with self-doubt. -- Scott Adams
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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. -- Scott Adams
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I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. -- Scott Adams
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Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time. -- Scott Adams
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Writers tend to work early in the morning, or late at night, when brains are naturally able to focus deeply on one thought. In the middle of the day, distractions are unavoidable. I wonder if anything worthwhile has ever been written in the afternoon. -- Scott Adams
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over the years I have cultivated a unique relationship with failure. I invite it. I survive it. I appreciate it. And then I mug the shit out of it. -- Scott Adams
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Ideas are cheap. A dime a dozen, as they say. It's the implementation that's important! The trick isn't just to have a computer game idea, but to actually create it! -- Scott Adams
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It is a wondrous human characteristic to be able to slip into and out of idiocy many times a day without noticing the change or accidentally killing innocent bystanders in the process. -- Scott Adams
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You can change only what people know, not what they do. -- Scott Adams
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I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. Sometimes I think the web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society. -- Scott Adams
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Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. -- Scott Adams
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Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands ... uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know ... I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, Write bad checks all over the place, Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, Get a divorce and lose your house, ... uh ... dosey-do. -- Scott Adams
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In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. -- Scott Adams
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The longer you work here, diverse it gets. -- Scott Adams
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Managing your personal energy is like managing budgets in a company. -- Scott Adams
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Passion feels very democratic. It is the people's talent, available to all. It's also mostly bullshit. -- Scott Adams
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If you believe people use reason for the important decisions in life, you will go through life feeling confused and frustrated that others seem to have bad reasoning skills. The reality is that reason is just one of the drivers of our decisions, and often the smallest one. Recently -- Scott Adams
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He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival. -- Scott Adams
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In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him. -- Scott Adams
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If you mine the data hard enough, you can also find messages from God. [Dogbert] -- Scott Adams
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Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom. -- Scott Adams
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Stem cells are like toenail clippings with a better career plan. -- Scott Adams
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Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing. -- Scott Adams
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In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. -- Scott Adams
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The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility. -- Scott Adams
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I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. -- Scott Adams
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Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead. -- Scott Adams
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Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there -- Scott Adams
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When you can release on your ego long enough to view your perceptions as incomplete or misleading, it gives you the freedom to imagine new and potentially more useful ways of looking at the world. -- Scott Adams
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Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue -- Scott Adams
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The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy. -- Scott Adams
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color. -- Scott Adams
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Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons -- Scott Adams
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If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%. -- Scott Adams
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If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy. -- Scott Adams
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Everything you want out of life is in that huge, bubbling vat of failure. The trick is to get the good stuff out. -- Scott Adams
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The best things in life are silly. -- Scott Adams
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We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants. -- Scott Adams
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Methods for predicting the future: 1) read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls ... collectively known as "nutty methods;" 2) put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer ... commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time." -- Scott Adams
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If your current get-rich project fails, take what you learned and try something else. Keep repeating until something lucky happens. The universe has plenty of luck to go around; you just need to keep your hand raised until it's your turn. It helps to see failure as a road and not a wall. -- Scott Adams
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Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed. -- Scott Adams
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Our perceptions of truth are built around what is practical, not what is true. Even the smartest human brain doesn't have the capacity for discerning true facts. That's why so many of us settle for scientific facts. It's the best we can do. -- Scott Adams
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Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf.
Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene?
Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies. -- Scott Adams
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The directional nature of happiness is one reason it's a good idea to have a sport or hobby that leaves you plenty of room to improve every year. Tennis -- Scott Adams
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A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer. -- Scott Adams
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Because everything you perceive is a metaphor for
something your brain is not equipped to fully understand.
God is as real as the clothes you are wearing and the chair
you are sitting in. They are all metaphors for something you
will never understand. -- Scott Adams
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One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead. -- Scott Adams
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Mockery is an important social tool for squelching stupidity. I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked. -- Scott Adams
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You aren't a therapist. Walk away from the soul suckers. You have a right to pursue happiness and an equal right to run as fast as you can from the people who would deny it. Success -- Scott Adams
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Dogbert to Dilbert
"My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people."
"Then what does it do?"
"Why would it need to do anything else? -- Scott Adams
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Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly. -- Scott Adams
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Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science. -- Scott Adams
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Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching.
Dogbert's Motto -- Scott Adams
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How did people steal before computers? - Dogbert -- Scott Adams
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Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes ... no, wait ... -- Scott Adams
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Home is pretty utopian. -- Scott Adams
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The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol. -- Scott Adams
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Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent. -- Scott Adams
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I'm predicting that we'll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with 'thought you'd be interested,' and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop send that kind of message. -- Scott Adams
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I'm a poor artist. Through brute force, I brought myself up to mediocre. I've never taken a writing class, but I can write okay. -- Scott Adams
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A woman needs to be told that you would sacrifice anything for her. A man needs to be told he is being useful. When the man or woman strays from that formula, the other loses trust. When trust is lost, communication falls apart. -- Scott Adams
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Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. -- Scott Adams
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The elderly are spooky when they degenerate into
reflections of their younger selves. They say things that
make sense on some grammatical level, but it's not always
connected to reality. -- Scott Adams
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There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens. -- Scott Adams
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My mother, in the style of the times, told me I could do anything I set my sights on. She said I could be the president, an astronaut, or the next Charles Schulz. I believed her because at that point in my life I hadn't yet noticed the pattern of her deceptions. -- Scott Adams
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I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg. -- Scott Adams
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The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller. -- Scott Adams
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I should have written that down.
- Dilbert -- Scott Adams
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A great strategy for success in life is to become good at something, anything, and let that feeling propel you to new and better victories. Success can be habit-forming. Pick -- Scott Adams
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You can't accommodate a hundred different opinions,
and you can't ignore them. All you can do is provide people with the
illusion that they participated in the decision. For some reason, that's
enough to make people happy. This is the basis for all democracies. -- Scott Adams
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I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else. -- Scott Adams
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We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English. -- Scott Adams
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But if your story is about the inner workings of competitive quilting, you'd better make it short and extra witty. People drift off when you stop talking about stuff that isn't, well, them. The -- Scott Adams
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You don't have to be a person of influence to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me. -- Scott Adams
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He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. -- Scott Adams
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The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly. -- Scott Adams
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My definition of happiness is that it's a feeling you get when your body chemistry is producing pleasant sensations in your mind. -- Scott Adams
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There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms. -- Scott Adams
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Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion. -- Scott Adams
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Consider the people who routinely disagree with you. See how confident they look while being dead wrong? That's exactly how you look to them. -- Scott Adams
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I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over 200 years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes. -- Scott Adams
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Fitness and daily exercise are correlated with success in business and in life.3 -- Scott Adams
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Other studies back this notion - physical fitness and daily exercise are correlated with success in business and in life.3 There's -- Scott Adams
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In hard times, or even presuccess times, society and at least one cartoonist want you to take care of yourself first. If you pursue your selfish objectives, and you do it well, someday your focus will turn outward. -- Scott Adams
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You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why. -- Scott Adams
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Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same. -- Scott Adams
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A person with a flexible schedule and average resources will be happier than a rich person who has everything except a flexible schedule. Step one in your search for happiness is to continually work toward having control of your schedule. -- Scott Adams
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The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up. -- Scott Adams
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inaccurate worldviews are the only kind there is. Does -- Scott Adams
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Avoid career traps such as pursuing jobs that require you to sell your limited supply of time while preparing you for nothing better. -- Scott Adams
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E-books are impervious to analogy. -- Scott Adams
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There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation. -- Scott Adams
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Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. -- Scott Adams
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Some physicists describe gravity in terms of ten dimensions all curled up. But those aren't real words-just placeholders, used to refer to parts of abstract equations. -- Scott Adams
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Free yourself from the shackles of an oppressive reality. What's real to you is what you imagine and what you feel. If you manage your illusions wisely, you might get what you want, but you won't necessarily understand why it worked. -- Scott Adams
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I get mail; therefore I am. -- Scott Adams
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Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo -- Scott Adams
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Free will is an illusion. Humans are nothing but moist robots. -- Scott Adams
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Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. -- Scott Adams
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Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night. -- Scott Adams
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Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane. -- Scott Adams
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Then there's education. Do you know what the unemployment rate is for engineers? It is nearly zero. Do you know how many engineers like their jobs? Most of them do, despite what you read in Dilbert comics. -- Scott Adams
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Lately ... the Peter Principle has given way to the "Dilbert Principle." The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. -- Scott Adams
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Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently. -- Scott Adams
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Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel. -- Scott Adams
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Never assume you understand the odds of things. I -- Scott Adams
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Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company. -- Scott Adams
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When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids. -- Scott Adams
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For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude. -- Scott Adams
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If you think your odds of solving your problem are bad, don't rule out the possibility that what is really happening is that you are bad at estimating odds. -- Scott Adams
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I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles. -- Scott Adams
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The only risk of failure is promotion. -- Scott Adams
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There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft. -- Scott Adams
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There's a fine line between participation and mockery. -- Scott Adams
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If you have a reasonable system for pursuing success, it can survive a lot of face-plants along the way. That knowledge makes success seem accessible. If you think successful people have some sort of superpower or special connections, why try? -- Scott Adams
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Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart. -- Scott Adams
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I have an endless stream of suggestions coming in from readers who are in cubicles. That keeps me going. -- Scott Adams
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Practice involves putting your consciousness in suspended animation. Practicing is not living. But when you build your skills through an ever-changing sequence of experiences, you're alive. -- Scott Adams
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If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you. -- Scott Adams
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I don't get embarrassed by the same things that other people do. I would say that probably the biggest thing that holds people back is, 'If I do this, I'm going to look like an idiot if it doesn't work out.' -- Scott Adams
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Women define themselves by their relationships and men define themselves by whom they are helping. Women believe value is created by sacrifice. If you are willing to give up your favorite activities to be with her, she will trust you. If being with her is too easy for you, she will not trust you. -- Scott Adams
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Skeptics," he said, "suffer from the skeptics' disease
the problem of being right too often. -- Scott Adams
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Clinical psychologists have proven that ordinary people
will alter their memories of the past to make them fit
their perceptions. It is the way all normal brains function
under ordinary circumstances. -- Scott Adams
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Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. -- Scott Adams
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People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred. -- Scott Adams
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If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it. It sounds trivial and obvious, but if you unpack the idea it has extraordinary power. -- Scott Adams
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If you think of your bad behavior as a lifestyle choice, as in "being yourself" or "just being honest," you might be ignoring the cost to your personal energy. -- Scott Adams
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The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to
think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy.
- Wally's Keynote Speech
-- Scott Adams
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I learned by observation that people who pursued extraordinarily unlikely goals were overly optimistic at best, delusional at worst, and just plain stupid most of the time. -- Scott Adams
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Ideas are worthless. Execution is everything. -- Scott Adams
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The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. -- Scott Adams
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The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits. -- Scott Adams
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Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster. -- Scott Adams
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If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent. -- Scott Adams
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The past exists only in your
mind," he said. "Likewise, the future exists only in your
mind because it has not happened. -- Scott Adams
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As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong. -- Scott Adams
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Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt. -- Scott Adams
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The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains. -- Scott Adams
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take care of yourself first and use that success as leverage to get everything else you need. I'll -- Scott Adams
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...grabbing failure by the throat and squeezing it until it coughs up a hairball of success. -- Scott Adams
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Our arrogance
causes us to imagine special value in this temporary collection
of molecules. Why do we perceive more spiritual value
in the sum of our body parts than on any individual cell in
our body? Why don't we hold funerals when skin cells die? -- Scott Adams
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This was about the time that my opinion of experts, and authority figures in general, began a steady descent that continues to this day. -- Scott Adams
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It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. -- Scott Adams
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And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing. -- Scott Adams
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Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information. -- Scott Adams
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I love you like a fat kid loves cake! -- Scott Adams
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Your brain can only process a tiny portion of your environment,
It risks being overwhelmed by the volume
of information that bombards you every waking moment.
Your brain compensates by filtering out the 99.9 percent of
your environment that doesn't matter to you. -- Scott Adams
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If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it. -- Scott Adams
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My investments have been hurt. -- Scott Adams
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Ask a deeply religious Christian if he'd rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don't seem so bad lately. -- Scott Adams
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Awareness is about unlearning. It is the recognition
that you don't know as much as you thought you knew. -- Scott Adams
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We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings. -- Scott Adams
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Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. -- Scott Adams
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The world is like a reverse casino. In a casino, if you gamble long enough, you're certainly going to lose. But in the real world, where the only thing you're gambling is, say, your time or your embarrassment, then the more stuff you do, the more you give luck a chance to find you. -- Scott Adams
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If a job's worth doing, it's too hard. -- Scott Adams
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The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction, I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation. -- Scott Adams
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A lie that makes a voter feel good is more effective than a hundred rational arguments. -- Scott Adams
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I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination. -- Scott Adams
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If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens. -- Scott Adams
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You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change. -- Scott Adams
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Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's. -- Scott Adams
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Failure always brings something valuable with it. I don't let it leave until I extract that value. -- Scott Adams
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Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas. -- Scott Adams
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In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying. -- Scott Adams
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A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels. -- Scott Adams
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The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the -- Scott Adams
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When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed. -- Scott Adams
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Some people fear that technology will become more engaging than live human interactions. That's silly; technology is already way more interesting than other people. -- Scott Adams
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Management is nature's way of removing idiots from the productive flow. -- Scott Adams
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Happiness has more to do with where you are heading than where you are. -- Scott Adams
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The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that
helps him get through the day -- Scott Adams
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If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ? -- Scott Adams
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Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness. -- Scott Adams
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If you give an ant infinite time, it can move a mountain all by itself. -- Scott Adams
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I was no longer surprised to find unlocked doors
in the city. Maybe at some subconscious level we don't
believe we need protection from our own species. -- Scott Adams
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Successwise, you're better off being good at two complementary skills than being excellent at one. -- Scott Adams
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Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far. -- Scott Adams
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If you want to understand UFOs, reincarnation and God, do not study UFOs, reincarnation and God. Study people. -- Scott Adams
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It's smarter to see your big-idea projects as part of a system to improve your energy, contacts, and skills. -- Scott Adams
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Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership. -- Scott Adams
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You should also try to figure out which people are thing people and which ones are people people. -- Scott Adams
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Quality is not an independent force in the universe; it depends on what you choose as your frame of reference. When -- Scott Adams
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One of the most important tricks for maximizing your productivity involves matching your mental state to the task. -- Scott Adams
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I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time. -- Scott Adams
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It is better for your career to do nothing, than to do something and attract criticism. -- Scott Adams
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You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too. -- Scott Adams
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I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff. -- Scott Adams
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money distorts truth like a hippo in a thong. -- Scott Adams
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If you're going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don't win, you're usually no worse off than if you hadn't played. -- Scott Adams
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How can one part be more important if each part is completely necessary? -- Scott Adams
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I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing. -- Scott Adams
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Focus on your diet first and get that right so you have enough energy to want to exercise. -- Scott Adams
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Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. -- Scott Adams
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I've long seen failure as a tool, not an outcome. -- Scott Adams
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shyness is caused by an internal feeling that you are not worthy to be in the conversation. -- Scott Adams
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My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right. -- Scott Adams
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Everything he talked about had a kind of logic to it, but so do many things that are nonsense. -- Scott Adams
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Reality has a pulse, a rhythm, for lack of better words. -- Scott Adams
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Common sense isn't a real thing. And its ugly cousin, fairness, is a concept invented so dumb people could participate in arguments. -- Scott Adams
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I try to avoid giving advice. -- Scott Adams
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Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? -- Scott Adams
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One strategy for getting ahead is being incredibly good at a particular skill; you need to be world-class to stand out for that skill. In my case, I layered fairly average skills together until the combination became special. -- Scott Adams
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Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive. -- Scott Adams
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Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor. -- Scott Adams
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On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary. -- Scott Adams
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I'm surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet. -- Scott Adams
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There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours. -- Scott Adams
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I'm curious how you'll know it works. I assume it's mostly a cosmetic change. -- Scott Adams
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Remember, freedom is always taken, never given. -- Scott Adams
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Our system requires a continuous supply of highly capable people who are so disgruntled with their jobs that they are willing to chew off their own arms to escape their bosses. -- Scott Adams
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Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results. -- Scott Adams
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Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. -- Scott Adams
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No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot. -- Scott Adams
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Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -- Scott Adams
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When did ignorance become a point of view? -- Scott Adams
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It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation. -- Scott Adams
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Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company. -- Scott Adams
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Moslem: people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid. -- Scott Adams
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Losers have goals. Winners have systems. -- Scott Adams
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one of the primary factors in determining your energy level, and therefore your mood, is what you've eaten recently.* -- Scott Adams
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By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out. -- Scott Adams
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Failure is a resource that can be managed, -- Scott Adams
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I would define an asshole as anyone who chooses to make the lives of others less pleasant for reasons that don't appear productive or necessary. -- Scott Adams
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I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable. -- Scott Adams
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I've always defined myself not as a cartoonist, but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought my other businesses would be the less dominant part of my life. -- Scott Adams
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If success were easy, everyone would do it. It takes effort. That fact works to your advantage because it keeps lazy people out of the game. -- Scott Adams
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It helps to see the world as math and not magic. -- Scott Adams
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If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. -- Scott Adams
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To change yourself, part of the solution might involve spending more time with the people who represent the change you seek. For -- Scott Adams
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When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable. -- Scott Adams
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We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational. -- Scott Adams
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Sometimes idiots can accomplish wonderful things. -- Scott Adams
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Most important, understand that goals are for losers and systems are for winners. -- Scott Adams
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Rotten bosses don't get better. Any strategy that assumes they can is doomed. -- Scott Adams
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This happens to me: I have this great idea and then I make the mistake of telling someone else. -- Scott Adams
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Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first. -- Scott Adams
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Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight. -- Scott Adams
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People vote based on emotion. Period. -- Scott Adams
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Technology: No Place for Wimps! -- Scott Adams
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There was only one creature smarter than all of those doctors put together: the Internet. (Yes, it's a creature, okay?) I -- Scott Adams
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In the long run, any system that depends on your willpower will fail. -- Scott Adams
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People who do affirmations will have the sensation that
they are causing the environment to conform to their will.
This is an immensely enjoyable feeling because the illusion
of control is one of the best illusions you can have. -- Scott Adams
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Frankly, I'm suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue. -- Scott Adams
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He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest. -- Scott Adams
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Man is a game playing animal and a computer is another way to play games. -- Scott Adams
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Every year, it takes more brains to navigate this complicated world. More people are falling below what I call the 'incompetence line' through no fault of their own. -- Scott Adams
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You can't keep all bad luck from finding you, but you can fortify yourself to the point where the smaller stuff bounces off. -- Scott Adams
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I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get. -- Scott Adams
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Sometimes what seems to be a difference in opinions is in fact just a difference in definitions. -- Scott Adams
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My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser. -- Scott Adams
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I'm primarily just an investor. -- Scott Adams
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I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral. -- Scott Adams
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I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it. -- Scott Adams
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I pursued a conscious strategy of managing my opportunities in a way that would make it easier for luck to find me. -- Scott Adams
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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. -- Scott Adams
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Awareness does not come from receiving new information. It comes from rejecting old information. -- Scott Adams
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The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar, -- Scott Adams
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The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want. -- Scott Adams