Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by Stephen Colbert, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring Stephen Colbert quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 460 Stephen Colbert quotes for you to read and share.
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell. -- Stephen Colbert
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace. -- Stephen Colbert
In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage. -- Stephen Colbert
If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character. -- Stephen Colbert
Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith. -- Stephen Colbert
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. -- Stephen Colbert
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way. -- Stephen Colbert
(on fox news) ... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news. -- Stephen Colbert
My father always wanted to be 'Col-bear.' He lived in the same town as his father, and his father didn't like the idea of the name with the French pronunciation. So my father said to us, 'Do what you want. You're not going to offend anybody.' And he was dead long before I made my decision. -- Stephen Colbert
I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion. -- Stephen Colbert
Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails. -- Stephen Colbert
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it. -- Stephen Colbert
I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it. -- Stephen Colbert
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. -- Stephen Colbert
In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter. -- Stephen Colbert
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. -- Stephen Colbert
I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex? -- Stephen Colbert
I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody. -- Stephen Colbert
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ -- Stephen Colbert
Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's
responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope. -- Stephen Colbert
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am? -- Stephen Colbert
Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight. -- Stephen Colbert
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. -- Stephen Colbert
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush ... I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough ... Somebody shoot me in the face. -- Stephen Colbert
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. -- Stephen Colbert
Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them? -- Stephen Colbert
You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling. -- Stephen Colbert
It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack
in that they will devastate black communities. -- Stephen Colbert
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way. -- Stephen Colbert
I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade. -- Stephen Colbert
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together. -- Stephen Colbert
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). -- Stephen Colbert
That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. -- Stephen Colbert
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. -- Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait
no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! -- Stephen Colbert
Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. -- Stephen Colbert
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman. -- Stephen Colbert
Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice. -- Stephen Colbert
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost.
Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out. -- Stephen Colbert
We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't. -- Stephen Colbert
What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle ... I just wanna dance'? -- Stephen Colbert
You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment. -- Stephen Colbert
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that. -- Stephen Colbert
Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don't just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That's desertion. -- Stephen Colbert
If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. -- Stephen Colbert
I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert. -- Stephen Colbert
So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop "liberating" moms by trying to
make them join the workforce. They're already doing the job that God put
them here to do: Everything. -- Stephen Colbert
There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. -- Stephen Colbert
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! -- Stephen Colbert
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? -- Stephen Colbert
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison. -- Stephen Colbert
If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it. -- Stephen Colbert
You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut. -- Stephen Colbert
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo! -- Stephen Colbert
Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book. -- Stephen Colbert
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? -- Stephen Colbert
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people. -- Stephen Colbert
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It's sort of a blog for people with attention spans. -- Stephen Colbert
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. -- Stephen Colbert
There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta. -- Stephen Colbert
News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans. -- Stephen Colbert
Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once? -- Stephen Colbert
Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. -- Stephen Colbert
Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'
Stephen Colbert -- Stephen Colbert
Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief -- Stephen Colbert
I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation. -- Stephen Colbert
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. -- Stephen Colbert
Baby carrots are making me gay. -- Stephen Colbert
I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that. -- Stephen Colbert
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. -- Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. -- Stephen Colbert
Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too. -- Stephen Colbert
If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate -- Stephen Colbert
Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. -- Stephen Colbert
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. -- Stephen Colbert
Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem. -- Stephen Colbert
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. -- Stephen Colbert
Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic. -- Stephen Colbert
Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda. -- Stephen Colbert
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies -- Stephen Colbert
We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in. -- Stephen Colbert
I'd like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers. -- Stephen Colbert
It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise. -- Stephen Colbert
Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta. -- Stephen Colbert
Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father. -- Stephen Colbert
The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news 'at' you. -- Stephen Colbert
Truthiness is "What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true." It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality. -- Stephen Colbert
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. -- Stephen Colbert
The lead singer of Creed says he won't endorse President Obama. Well that settles it
Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. -- Stephen Colbert
The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion). -- Stephen Colbert
Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. -- Stephen Colbert
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes. -- Stephen Colbert
Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. -- Stephen Colbert
There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home. -- Stephen Colbert
To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. -- Stephen Colbert
I have a morality. I don't know if it's the best morality. And I do like thinking. If people perceive that as a moral intellectualism, that's fine. That's up to them to decide. -- Stephen Colbert
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. -- Stephen Colbert
The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus. -- Stephen Colbert
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. -- Stephen Colbert
Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative. -- Stephen Colbert
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. -- Stephen Colbert
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head. -- Stephen Colbert
I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet. -- Stephen Colbert
We are thrilled that Jon Batiste is joining 'The Late Show' family of products. For my money, nobody plays like Jon Batiste. And you can trust me, because it is my money. -- Stephen Colbert
Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus. -- Stephen Colbert
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence ... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry. -- Stephen Colbert
The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize. -- Stephen Colbert
Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me! -- Stephen Colbert
America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex? -- Stephen Colbert
Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. -- Stephen Colbert
When I got to 'The Daily Show,' they asked me to have a political opinion. It turned out that I had one, but I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices. -- Stephen Colbert
There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does. -- Stephen Colbert
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. -- Stephen Colbert
The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have? -- Stephen Colbert
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. -- Stephen Colbert
Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood. -- Stephen Colbert
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE. -- Stephen Colbert
If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. -- Stephen Colbert
I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. -- Stephen Colbert
Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old. -- Stephen Colbert
Had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention. -- Stephen Colbert
I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. -- Stephen Colbert
Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse. -- Stephen Colbert
I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich." -- Stephen Colbert
For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board. -- Stephen Colbert
Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America - less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair. -- Stephen Colbert
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? -- Stephen Colbert
Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around. -- Stephen Colbert
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. -- Stephen Colbert
You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument. -- Stephen Colbert
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) -- Stephen Colbert
If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. -- Stephen Colbert
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. -- Stephen Colbert
Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. -- Stephen Colbert
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding. -- Stephen Colbert
You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection. -- Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade ... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. -- Stephen Colbert
Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America
we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture. -- Stephen Colbert
Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it. -- Stephen Colbert
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot ... and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes. -- Stephen Colbert
Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. -- Stephen Colbert
I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it. -- Stephen Colbert
Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to. -- Stephen Colbert
I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising. -- Stephen Colbert
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? -- Stephen Colbert
The more you know, the sadder you get. -- Stephen Colbert
Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time. -- Stephen Colbert
Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos. -- Stephen Colbert
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! -- Stephen Colbert
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed? -- Stephen Colbert
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! -- Stephen Colbert
My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna tower into the waters off Grand Cayman. -- Stephen Colbert
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay. -- Stephen Colbert
Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship. -- Stephen Colbert
Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. -- Stephen Colbert
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. -- Stephen Colbert
Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie. -- Stephen Colbert
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? -- Stephen Colbert
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor. -- Stephen Colbert
You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. -- Stephen Colbert
Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American. -- Stephen Colbert
If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing. -- Stephen Colbert
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. -- Stephen Colbert
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do. -- Stephen Colbert
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. -- Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. -- Stephen Colbert
Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? -- Stephen Colbert
The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart. -- Stephen Colbert
I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album. -- Stephen Colbert
Let freedom ka-ching ... Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River. -- Stephen Colbert
I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations. -- Stephen Colbert
Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. -- Stephen Colbert
You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist. -- Stephen Colbert
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach? -- Stephen Colbert
And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it. -- Stephen Colbert
I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck. -- Stephen Colbert
I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you. -- Stephen Colbert
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy. -- Stephen Colbert
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now. -- Stephen Colbert
Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. -- Stephen Colbert
I report, I decide. -- Stephen Colbert
It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. -- Stephen Colbert
This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it -- Stephen Colbert
Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English? -- Stephen Colbert
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. -- Stephen Colbert
I teach Sunday school, motherf*****. -- Stephen Colbert
President Bush, have a hot dog with me. -- Stephen Colbert
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. -- Stephen Colbert
Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. -- Stephen Colbert
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists. -- Stephen Colbert
The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.' -- Stephen Colbert
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. -- Stephen Colbert
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. -- Stephen Colbert
You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette. -- Stephen Colbert
I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm very comfortable with uncomfortable situations, and I think that can seem odd to people, that I like the thrill of discomfort. -- Stephen Colbert
Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. -- Stephen Colbert
The letters that say 'I'm getting the messages you're sending me through the television screen' are not great. But those are few and far between, thank God. I get wonderful letters, and people send me artwork. -- Stephen Colbert
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. -- Stephen Colbert
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty! -- Stephen Colbert
The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable. -- Stephen Colbert
I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart. -- Stephen Colbert
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation. -- Stephen Colbert
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving. -- Stephen Colbert
You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism. -- Stephen Colbert
I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. -- Stephen Colbert
A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren't. A messy house sends a coded message to children: I'm not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust. -- Stephen Colbert
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. -- Stephen Colbert
Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle -- Stephen Colbert
If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people. -- Stephen Colbert
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner! -- Stephen Colbert
Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. -- Stephen Colbert
I just want to do things that scratch an itch for me. That itch is often something that feels wrong. It's wrong because it breaks convention or is unexpected or at times uncomfortable. I like that feeling. -- Stephen Colbert
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. -- Stephen Colbert
I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols. -- Stephen Colbert
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter. -- Stephen Colbert
You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it. -- Stephen Colbert
As we all know, reality has a liberal bias. -- Stephen Colbert
Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior. -- Stephen Colbert
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! -- Stephen Colbert
Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian. -- Stephen Colbert
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make. -- Stephen Colbert
I like being boring to a certain extent. I don't have to be flashy. I get to put all of that into a show, and when it's over, I don't have to be that. -- Stephen Colbert
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. -- Stephen Colbert
That's not a religion, that's Pokemon. -- Stephen Colbert
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. -- Stephen Colbert
Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.
Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable ... in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90. -- Stephen Colbert
I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh. -- Stephen Colbert
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear -- Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. -- Stephen Colbert
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. -- Stephen Colbert
When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner. -- Stephen Colbert
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. -- Stephen Colbert
Why even dictate?
Well, like a lot of other dictators, there's one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine. -- Stephen Colbert
If you like Battlestar Galactica ... you're probably a huge nerd. -- Stephen Colbert
Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work. -- Stephen Colbert
Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella. -- Stephen Colbert
Look, I've got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them. -- Stephen Colbert
Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"
- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005 -- Stephen Colbert
I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry. -- Stephen Colbert
I scream, you scream, we all scream ... for the truth. -- Stephen Colbert
Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts. -- Stephen Colbert
In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations. -- Stephen Colbert
The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat. -- Stephen Colbert
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. -- Stephen Colbert
I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave. -- Stephen Colbert
I've got butterflies in my stomach ... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla! -- Stephen Colbert
But you are also the biggest threat of all ... You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away. -- Stephen Colbert
On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice. -- Stephen Colbert
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.' -- Stephen Colbert
My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs. -- Stephen Colbert
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday. -- Stephen Colbert
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt. -- Stephen Colbert
History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! -- Stephen Colbert
Maybe he'll be different from who he was and always is. -- Stephen Colbert
The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about. -- Stephen Colbert
Last night was Super Tuesday - a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women. -- Stephen Colbert
Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a
slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and,
before you know it, Jager tainting. -- Stephen Colbert
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! -- Stephen Colbert
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor. -- Stephen Colbert
Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl. -- Stephen Colbert
As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds! -- Stephen Colbert
If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. -- Stephen Colbert
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm getting angry at liberals. -- Stephen Colbert
You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back. -- Stephen Colbert
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. -- Stephen Colbert
I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken. -- Stephen Colbert
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. -- Stephen Colbert
You gotta learn to love when you're failing ... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer. -- Stephen Colbert
I love making observations. That one is a classic example. -- Stephen Colbert
In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars. -- Stephen Colbert
To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib. -- Stephen Colbert
Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance. -- Stephen Colbert
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. -- Stephen Colbert
I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to. -- Stephen Colbert
If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you? -- Stephen Colbert
Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? -- Stephen Colbert
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. -- Stephen Colbert
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. -- Stephen Colbert
If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? -- Stephen Colbert
I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host. -- Stephen Colbert
But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots. -- Stephen Colbert
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government. -- Stephen Colbert
Do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid. -- Stephen Colbert
Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. -- Stephen Colbert
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. -- Stephen Colbert
It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. -- Stephen Colbert
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint. -- Stephen Colbert
If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable. -- Stephen Colbert
The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are. -- Stephen Colbert
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money. -- Stephen Colbert
The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out. -- Stephen Colbert
Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any. -- Stephen Colbert
I started as a straight actor. I'd go onstage, and I'd think, 'Wow, this is the only thing I want to work really hard at. I will rehearse fifty times on a single scene; I don't care - I'll do it again.' -- Stephen Colbert
Who really wants to be themselves when they're teenagers? -- Stephen Colbert
And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life. -- Stephen Colbert
If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader. -- Stephen Colbert
The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport. -- Stephen Colbert
I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight? -- Stephen Colbert
Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon. -- Stephen Colbert
Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.' -- Stephen Colbert
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist. -- Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us. -- Stephen Colbert
There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer. -- Stephen Colbert
Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. -- Stephen Colbert
Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram. -- Stephen Colbert
At every moment, we are volunteers. -- Stephen Colbert
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge ... or when I want to create some. -- Stephen Colbert
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard. -- Stephen Colbert
Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. -- Stephen Colbert
You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself ... There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way. -- Stephen Colbert
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' -- Stephen Colbert
We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist. -- Stephen Colbert
What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press. -- Stephen Colbert
The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. -- Stephen Colbert
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life,
unfortunately, it won't date them either. -- Stephen Colbert
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?! -- Stephen Colbert
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. -- Stephen Colbert
I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal. -- Stephen Colbert
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. -- Stephen Colbert
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again. -- Stephen Colbert
No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world. -- Stephen Colbert
Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you. -- Stephen Colbert
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. -- Stephen Colbert
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. -- Stephen Colbert
It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. -- Stephen Colbert
I believe all God's creatures have a soul ... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! -- Stephen Colbert
I am no fan of books. -- Stephen Colbert
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. -- Stephen Colbert
Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair! -- Stephen Colbert
Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. -- Stephen Colbert
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. -- Stephen Colbert
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy. -- Stephen Colbert
We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do. -- Stephen Colbert
Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character. -- Stephen Colbert
I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. -- Stephen Colbert
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country. -- Stephen Colbert
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you. -- Stephen Colbert
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". -- Stephen Colbert
Grief will always accept the invitation to appear. It's got plenty of time for you. -- Stephen Colbert
I do love my country. I don't think I'm particularly a good American. I don't know what makes a good American. Other than somebody who - I like people who let other people alone. I think that's a pretty good American. And I keep my hands to myself. So I'm an OK American. -- Stephen Colbert
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!? -- Stephen Colbert
Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay. -- Stephen Colbert
Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms. -- Stephen Colbert
Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. -- Stephen Colbert
All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew. -- Stephen Colbert
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them. -- Stephen Colbert
They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you -- Stephen Colbert
I have tender feelings for Nixon because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted 'The Munsters.' -- Stephen Colbert
I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of. -- Stephen Colbert
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong." -- Stephen Colbert
It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution. -- Stephen Colbert
If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking. -- Stephen Colbert
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal. -- Stephen Colbert
Why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. -- Stephen Colbert
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death. -- Stephen Colbert
Live live to the fullest! Or else...you won't. -- Stephen Colbert
I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media. -- Stephen Colbert
Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it? -- Stephen Colbert
Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. -- Stephen Colbert
Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative. -- Stephen Colbert
If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer. -- Stephen Colbert
Don't cry over spilled milk
get angry and punch a cow. -- Stephen Colbert
It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game. -- Stephen Colbert
If you're saying farewell to your arms, what do you use to wave goodbye? -- Stephen Colbert
I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel. -- Stephen Colbert
I am highly variable in my devotion. From a doctrinal point of view or a dogmatic point of view or a strictly Catholic adherent point of view, I'm first to say that I talk a good game, but I don't know how good I am about it in practice. -- Stephen Colbert
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion. -- Stephen Colbert
My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping. -- Stephen Colbert
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. -- Stephen Colbert
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does. -- Stephen Colbert
I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it. -- Stephen Colbert
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. -- Stephen Colbert
The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions. -- Stephen Colbert
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem. -- Stephen Colbert
There's a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can't do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you? -- Stephen Colbert
The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jon would be the new host of 'The Daily Show,' which back then was not called 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.' -- Stephen Colbert
With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison. -- Stephen Colbert
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids. -- Stephen Colbert
Divorce is marital welfare.It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. -- Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. -- Stephen Colbert
Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. -- Stephen Colbert
Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. -- Stephen Colbert
We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us. -- Stephen Colbert
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible - I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. -- Stephen Colbert
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term. -- Stephen Colbert
That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already. -- Stephen Colbert
Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours -- Stephen Colbert
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. -- Stephen Colbert
If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist. -- Stephen Colbert
Agnostics are just atheists without balls. -- Stephen Colbert
(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock -- Stephen Colbert
Any religion whose messiah's name
isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can't be that much of
a threat. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely. -- Stephen Colbert
Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. -- Stephen Colbert
I deliver my Truth hot and hard. -- Stephen Colbert
'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian. -- Stephen Colbert
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble. -- Stephen Colbert
We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river. -- Stephen Colbert
I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to. -- Stephen Colbert
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. -- Stephen Colbert
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm impervious to logic. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth. -- Stephen Colbert
You have a firm grasp of the obvious. -- Stephen Colbert
Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. -- Stephen Colbert
I love being onstage. -- Stephen Colbert
As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read. -- Stephen Colbert
I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. -- Stephen Colbert
That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.' -- Stephen Colbert
All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about. -- Stephen Colbert
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. -- Stephen Colbert
I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I'm just a narcissist. -- Stephen Colbert
If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? -- Stephen Colbert
Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. -- Stephen Colbert
Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil. -- Stephen Colbert
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! -- Stephen Colbert
Equations are the devil's sentences. -- Stephen Colbert
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's. -- Stephen Colbert
I look, absolutely, like I'm going to sell you insurance. -- Stephen Colbert
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. -- Stephen Colbert
I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote -- Stephen Colbert
Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. -- Stephen Colbert
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. -- Stephen Colbert
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. -- Stephen Colbert
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. -- Stephen Colbert
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands ... -- Stephen Colbert
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness - just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth. -- Stephen Colbert
A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government - it's like the existence of another authority. -- Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. -- Stephen Colbert
I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant. -- Stephen Colbert
There's a buzz to failing and not dying. -- Stephen Colbert
Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal. -- Stephen Colbert
Republicans and nerds have so much in common
they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women. -- Stephen Colbert
Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority. -- Stephen Colbert
You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians. -- Stephen Colbert
As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu. -- Stephen Colbert
I can't prove it, but I can say it. -- Stephen Colbert
