Explore the most impactful and insightful quotes and sayings by W.c. Fields, and enrich your perspective with the wisdom. Share these inspiring W.c. Fields quotes pictures with your friends on social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, or your personal blogs, completely free. Here are the top 236 W.c. Fields quotes for you to read and share.

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I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it. -- W.c. Fields
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes? -- W.c. Fields
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason -- W.c. Fields
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it? -- W.c. Fields
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It is funnier to bend things than to break them. -- W.c. Fields
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Drowned in a vat of whiskey ... Oh Death, where is thy sting? -- W.c. Fields
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. -- W.c. Fields
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How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. -- W.c. Fields
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. -- W.c. Fields
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I'd like to see Paris before I die ... Philadelphia will do. -- W.c. Fields
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. -- W.c. Fields
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. -- W.c. Fields
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside. -- W.c. Fields
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. -- W.c. Fields
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split. -- W.c. Fields
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. -- W.c. Fields
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. -- W.c. Fields
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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. -- W.c. Fields
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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. -- W.c. Fields
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. -- W.c. Fields
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I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. -- W.c. Fields
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. -- W.c. Fields
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump! -- W.c. Fields
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. -- W.c. Fields
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him! -- W.c. Fields
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. -- W.c. Fields
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. -- W.c. Fields
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips. -- W.c. Fields
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't. -- W.c. Fields
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. -- W.c. Fields
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.c. Fields
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. -- W.c. Fields
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. -- W.c. Fields
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I'm searching for loopholes. -- W.c. Fields
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. -- W.c. Fields
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her. -- W.c. Fields
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Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried! -- W.c. Fields
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. -- W.c. Fields
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I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. -- W.c. Fields
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl. -- W.c. Fields
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either. -- W.c. Fields
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. -- W.c. Fields
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. -- W.c. Fields
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. -- W.c. Fields
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says ... And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer. -- W.c. Fields
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. -- W.c. Fields
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What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- W.c. Fields
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.c. Fields
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First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. -- W.c. Fields
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. -- W.c. Fields
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. -- W.c. Fields
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Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you? -- W.c. Fields
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. -- W.c. Fields
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It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. -- W.c. Fields
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Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. -- W.c. Fields
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for. -- W.c. Fields
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Never work with animals or children. -- W.c. Fields
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. -- W.c. Fields
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. -- W.c. Fields
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In the ten years since I had run away from home ... I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. -- W.c. Fields
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Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. -- W.c. Fields
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. -- W.c. Fields
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner. -- W.c. Fields
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science! -- W.c. Fields
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. -- W.c. Fields
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. -- W.c. Fields
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms. -- W.c. Fields
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I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me. -- W.c. Fields
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Happiness means quiet nerves. -- W.c. Fields
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. -- W.c. Fields
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers. -- W.c. Fields
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. -- W.c. Fields
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. -- W.c. Fields
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. -- W.c. Fields
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. -- W.c. Fields
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. -- W.c. Fields
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments. -- W.c. Fields
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. -- W.c. Fields
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. -- W.c. Fields
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. -- W.c. Fields
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. -- W.c. Fields
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. -- W.c. Fields
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I was married once
in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad. -- W.c. Fields
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Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt! -- W.c. Fields
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. -- W.c. Fields
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise. -- W.c. Fields
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. -- W.c. Fields
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I can do anything I want to do! -- W.c. Fields
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. -- W.c. Fields
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. -- W.c. Fields
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. -- W.c. Fields
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Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died. -- W.c. Fields
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. -- W.c. Fields
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I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. -- W.c. Fields
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. -- W.c. Fields
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw. -- W.c. Fields
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? -- W.c. Fields
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W.c. Fields
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon. -- W.c. Fields
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. -- W.c. Fields
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No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. -- W.c. Fields
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The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature ... no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. -- W.c. Fields
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. -- W.c. Fields
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I like children. If they're properly cooked. -- W.c. Fields
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. -- W.c. Fields
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Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. -- W.c. Fields
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. -- W.c. Fields
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. -- W.c. Fields
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It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. -- W.c. Fields
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. -- W.c. Fields
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I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature. -- W.c. Fields
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. -- W.c. Fields
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe. -- W.c. Fields
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash. -- W.c. Fields
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men. -- W.c. Fields
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? -- W.c. Fields
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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise. -- W.c. Fields
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. -- W.c. Fields
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Never trust a man who doesn't drink. -- W.c. Fields
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Never give a sucker an even break. -- W.c. Fields
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. -- W.c. Fields
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W.c. Fields
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. -- W.c. Fields
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with. -- W.c. Fields
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. -- W.c. Fields
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. -- W.c. Fields
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It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. -- W.c. Fields
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself. -- W.c. Fields
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night -- W.c. Fields
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia -- W.c. Fields
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons. -- W.c. Fields
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. -- W.c. Fields
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't. -- W.c. Fields
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally. -- W.c. Fields
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. -- W.c. Fields
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago. -- W.c. Fields
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You can't cheat an honest man. -- W.c. Fields
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. -- W.c. Fields
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. -- W.c. Fields
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew. -- W.c. Fields
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. -- W.c. Fields
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. -- W.c. Fields
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. -- W.c. Fields
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Ain't fit for man nor beast -- W.c. Fields
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W.c. Fields
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I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face. -- W.c. Fields
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. -- W.c. Fields
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, thank goodness ... I thought I'd lost it. -- W.c. Fields
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! -- W.c. Fields
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy. -- W.c. Fields
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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. -- W.c. Fields
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I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. -- W.c. Fields
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) -- W.c. Fields
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians. -- W.c. Fields
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Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. -- W.c. Fields
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck -- W.c. Fields
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. -- W.c. Fields
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. -- W.c. Fields
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Prayers never bring anything ... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas -- W.c. Fields
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I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. -- W.c. Fields
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. -- W.c. Fields
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. -- W.c. Fields
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. -- W.c. Fields
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I only drink to steady my nerves ... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. -- W.c. Fields
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. -- W.c. Fields
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. -- W.c. Fields
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. -- W.c. Fields
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives ... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. -- W.c. Fields
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. -- W.c. Fields
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I like children - fried. -- W.c. Fields
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. -- W.c. Fields
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I never met a kid I liked. -- W.c. Fields
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. -- W.c. Fields
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Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta! -- W.c. Fields
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I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake ... which I also keep handy. -- W.c. Fields
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. -- W.c. Fields
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky. -- W.c. Fields
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of. -- W.c. Fields
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against. -- W.c. Fields
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Yes I do like children ... Girl children ... about eighteen or twenty. -- W.c. Fields
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Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. -- W.c. Fields
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. -- W.c. Fields
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. -- W.c. Fields
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? -- W.c. Fields
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. -- W.c. Fields
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money -- W.c. Fields
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. -- W.c. Fields
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it. -- W.c. Fields
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Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together! -- W.c. Fields
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Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. -- W.c. Fields
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You can fool some of the people some of the time
and that's enough to make a decent living. -- W.c. Fields
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . -- W.c. Fields
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache. -- W.c. Fields
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I must have a drink of breakfast. -- W.c. Fields
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. -- W.c. Fields
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. -- W.c. Fields
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. -- W.c. Fields
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Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control? -- W.c. Fields
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I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. -- W.c. Fields
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The best thing to break is a contract. -- W.c. Fields
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. -- W.c. Fields
W.c. Fields Quotes : pic 001702009
Always smile first thing in the morning.
Might as well get it over with. -- W.c. Fields
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else. -- W.c. Fields
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The news of my death is greatly exaggerated. -- W.c. Fields
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. -- W.c. Fields
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose
to make people laugh. -- W.c. Fields
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world. -- W.c. Fields
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On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. -- W.c. Fields
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. 'I'm looking for a loop-hole,' he explained. -- W.c. Fields
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. -- W.c. Fields
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. -- W.c. Fields
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.). -- W.c. Fields
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. -- W.c. Fields
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. -- W.c. Fields
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy. -- W.c. Fields
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I never eat before breakfast. -- W.c. Fields
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game. -- W.c. Fields
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I'm looking for loopholes. -- W.c. Fields
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Never mind what I told you
you do as I tell you. -- W.c. Fields
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine -- W.c. Fields
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. -- W.c. Fields
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I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. -- W.c. Fields
W.c. Fields Quotes : pic 001792041
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. -- W.c. Fields
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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse. -- W.c. Fields
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. -- W.c. Fields
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. -- W.c. Fields
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W.c. Fields
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. -- W.c. Fields
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I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it. -- W.c. Fields
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. -- W.c. Fields
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. -- W.c. Fields
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. -- W.c. Fields
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it. -- W.c. Fields
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I never drink water ... fish f**k in it. -- W.c. Fields
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. -- W.c. Fields
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle. -- W.c. Fields