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I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it. -- W.c. Fields
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes? -- W.c. Fields
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason -- W.c. Fields
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it? -- W.c. Fields
It is funnier to bend things than to break them. -- W.c. Fields
Drowned in a vat of whiskey ... Oh Death, where is thy sting? -- W.c. Fields
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. -- W.c. Fields
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. -- W.c. Fields
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. -- W.c. Fields
I'd like to see Paris before I die ... Philadelphia will do. -- W.c. Fields
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. -- W.c. Fields
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. -- W.c. Fields
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside. -- W.c. Fields
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. -- W.c. Fields
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split. -- W.c. Fields
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. -- W.c. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. -- W.c. Fields
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. -- W.c. Fields
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. -- W.c. Fields
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. -- W.c. Fields
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. -- W.c. Fields
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. -- W.c. Fields
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump! -- W.c. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. -- W.c. Fields
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him! -- W.c. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. -- W.c. Fields
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. -- W.c. Fields
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips. -- W.c. Fields
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't. -- W.c. Fields
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. -- W.c. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.c. Fields
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. -- W.c. Fields
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. -- W.c. Fields
I'm searching for loopholes. -- W.c. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. -- W.c. Fields
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her. -- W.c. Fields
Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried! -- W.c. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. -- W.c. Fields
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. -- W.c. Fields
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl. -- W.c. Fields
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either. -- W.c. Fields
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. -- W.c. Fields
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. -- W.c. Fields
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. -- W.c. Fields
When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says ... And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer. -- W.c. Fields
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. -- W.c. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- W.c. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.c. Fields
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. -- W.c. Fields
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. -- W.c. Fields
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. -- W.c. Fields
Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you? -- W.c. Fields
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. -- W.c. Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. -- W.c. Fields
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. -- W.c. Fields
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for. -- W.c. Fields
Never work with animals or children. -- W.c. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. -- W.c. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. -- W.c. Fields
In the ten years since I had run away from home ... I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. -- W.c. Fields
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. -- W.c. Fields
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. -- W.c. Fields
Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner. -- W.c. Fields
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science! -- W.c. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. -- W.c. Fields
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. -- W.c. Fields
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms. -- W.c. Fields
I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me. -- W.c. Fields
Happiness means quiet nerves. -- W.c. Fields
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. -- W.c. Fields
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers. -- W.c. Fields
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. -- W.c. Fields
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. -- W.c. Fields
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. -- W.c. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. -- W.c. Fields
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. -- W.c. Fields
I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments. -- W.c. Fields
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. -- W.c. Fields
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. -- W.c. Fields
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. -- W.c. Fields
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. -- W.c. Fields
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. -- W.c. Fields
I was married once
in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad. -- W.c. Fields
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt! -- W.c. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. -- W.c. Fields
Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise. -- W.c. Fields
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. -- W.c. Fields
I can do anything I want to do! -- W.c. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. -- W.c. Fields
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. -- W.c. Fields
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. -- W.c. Fields
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died. -- W.c. Fields
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. -- W.c. Fields
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. -- W.c. Fields
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. -- W.c. Fields
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw. -- W.c. Fields
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? -- W.c. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W.c. Fields
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon. -- W.c. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. -- W.c. Fields
No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. -- W.c. Fields
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature ... no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. -- W.c. Fields
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. -- W.c. Fields
I like children. If they're properly cooked. -- W.c. Fields
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. -- W.c. Fields
Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. -- W.c. Fields
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. -- W.c. Fields
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. -- W.c. Fields
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. -- W.c. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. -- W.c. Fields
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature. -- W.c. Fields
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. -- W.c. Fields
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe. -- W.c. Fields
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash. -- W.c. Fields
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men. -- W.c. Fields
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? -- W.c. Fields
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise. -- W.c. Fields
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. -- W.c. Fields
Never trust a man who doesn't drink. -- W.c. Fields
Never give a sucker an even break. -- W.c. Fields
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. -- W.c. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W.c. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. -- W.c. Fields
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with. -- W.c. Fields
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. -- W.c. Fields
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. -- W.c. Fields
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. -- W.c. Fields
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself. -- W.c. Fields
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night -- W.c. Fields
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia -- W.c. Fields
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons. -- W.c. Fields
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. -- W.c. Fields
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't. -- W.c. Fields
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally. -- W.c. Fields
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. -- W.c. Fields
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago. -- W.c. Fields
You can't cheat an honest man. -- W.c. Fields
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. -- W.c. Fields
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. -- W.c. Fields
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew. -- W.c. Fields
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. -- W.c. Fields
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. -- W.c. Fields
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. -- W.c. Fields
Ain't fit for man nor beast -- W.c. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W.c. Fields
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face. -- W.c. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. -- W.c. Fields
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, thank goodness ... I thought I'd lost it. -- W.c. Fields
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! -- W.c. Fields
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy. -- W.c. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. -- W.c. Fields
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. -- W.c. Fields
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) -- W.c. Fields
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians. -- W.c. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. -- W.c. Fields
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck -- W.c. Fields
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. -- W.c. Fields
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. -- W.c. Fields
Prayers never bring anything ... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas -- W.c. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. -- W.c. Fields
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. -- W.c. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. -- W.c. Fields
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. -- W.c. Fields
I only drink to steady my nerves ... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. -- W.c. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. -- W.c. Fields
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. -- W.c. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. -- W.c. Fields
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives ... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. -- W.c. Fields
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. -- W.c. Fields
I like children - fried. -- W.c. Fields
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. -- W.c. Fields
I never met a kid I liked. -- W.c. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. -- W.c. Fields
Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta! -- W.c. Fields
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake ... which I also keep handy. -- W.c. Fields
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. -- W.c. Fields
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky. -- W.c. Fields
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of. -- W.c. Fields
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against. -- W.c. Fields
Yes I do like children ... Girl children ... about eighteen or twenty. -- W.c. Fields
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. -- W.c. Fields
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. -- W.c. Fields
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. -- W.c. Fields
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? -- W.c. Fields
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. -- W.c. Fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money -- W.c. Fields
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. -- W.c. Fields
There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it. -- W.c. Fields
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together! -- W.c. Fields
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. -- W.c. Fields
You can fool some of the people some of the time
and that's enough to make a decent living. -- W.c. Fields
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . -- W.c. Fields
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache. -- W.c. Fields
I must have a drink of breakfast. -- W.c. Fields
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. -- W.c. Fields
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. -- W.c. Fields
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. -- W.c. Fields
Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control? -- W.c. Fields
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. -- W.c. Fields
The best thing to break is a contract. -- W.c. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. -- W.c. Fields
Always smile first thing in the morning.
Might as well get it over with. -- W.c. Fields
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else. -- W.c. Fields
The news of my death is greatly exaggerated. -- W.c. Fields
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. -- W.c. Fields
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose
to make people laugh. -- W.c. Fields
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world. -- W.c. Fields
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. -- W.c. Fields
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. 'I'm looking for a loop-hole,' he explained. -- W.c. Fields
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. -- W.c. Fields
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. -- W.c. Fields
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.). -- W.c. Fields
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. -- W.c. Fields
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. -- W.c. Fields
Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy. -- W.c. Fields
I never eat before breakfast. -- W.c. Fields
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game. -- W.c. Fields
I'm looking for loopholes. -- W.c. Fields
Never mind what I told you
you do as I tell you. -- W.c. Fields
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine -- W.c. Fields
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. -- W.c. Fields
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. -- W.c. Fields
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. -- W.c. Fields
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse. -- W.c. Fields
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. -- W.c. Fields
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. -- W.c. Fields
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W.c. Fields
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. -- W.c. Fields
I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it. -- W.c. Fields
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. -- W.c. Fields
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. -- W.c. Fields
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. -- W.c. Fields
Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it. -- W.c. Fields
I never drink water ... fish f**k in it. -- W.c. Fields
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. -- W.c. Fields
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle. -- W.c. Fields